How to NOT exclude monolingual parent?

[4KookieKids]

We're not strictly OPOL, but it's our general aim. I speak almost exclusively German with the kids (4, 2, and 8 months) and my husband speaks English (his only language, with exception of a few smatterings of German he's picked up and some extremely rusty Spanish from high school). 

 

My husband is really starting to feel left out of the conversation though when the kids and I speak German while he's home. He feels disengaged and like he wants to be connecting more as a family in that time, and I certainly want to support that. But I'm confused as to the logistics, because, up until now, I've *always* encouraged/required the kids to speak German with me. How do I do this with a minimum amount of confusion, mixing, and frustration? It's already somewhat challenging for me to get the German output from my kids, and I'm really concerned that this (switch to all English during family time) might be the beginning of the end for their German. If it is, then it is, since their relationship with their dad is more important than their bilingualism, of course. But I'd really like to figure out how to bolster that relational time without sacrificing their bilingualism.

 

Any thoughts?

 

PS. As my husband works two jobs, he really does not feel able to put in the time to learn German right now, but we've visited that idea half a dozen times in the last year or two. 

[Arcadia]

I speak Chinese my dad and English to my mum in the same conversation. So maybe stick with that for family time; German when speaking to you and English when your children are speaking to your husband.

 

Or could you watch German cartoons as family time? I'm watching Garfield and Smurfs old cartoons in Deutsch everyday with my kids and even though they understand more than me, I understand enough to be entertained.

[Ad astra]

I don't have any advice but just wanted to say I feel you. My family was in the same situation when we were in Korea. My ds' Korean was much stronger than his English and my monolingual American dh often felt left out and lost when I talk with my ds in Korean. I had to translate our conversation to English for dh every time so it was very hard to stick to OPOL. Dh read books in English to dc at bedtime but the exposure wasn't enough due to his busy work schedule. Both of my kids ended up being late talkers. Now we are in the U.S. and I totally gave up OPOL... started to speak both languages to dc. Their English has improved at the same quick speed as they have forgotten Korean. Dh is happy he can communicate with them much better. I realize OPOL is not for us so I plan to speak and teach Korean to dc when dh is not around. Things might be easier when my dc become fluent in both languages and able to switch from one to another according to whom they are talking to... but for now, I don't have the answer, either.

[4KookieKids]

We've always encouraged the kids to speak English with their dad, even if they're speaking German to me in the same conversation. It's just that they still talk to me an awful lot, and the hubby invariably gets left out. 

 

The irony is that English is by far their stronger language, so it's not like they speak German with me most of the time because it comes easier to them.

[school17777]

I think you (any one who can speak two languages) have the opportunity to give your DC a wonderful gift, if you are able to teach them both languages.

 

Is it possible to only speak in English when your dh is home and German when he is not?

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

We don't quite speak only in DH's language when he's home, but certain events are always in his language- namely meal time.  He also has special 1 on 1 time with each child after dinner and before bed, where he connects with them in his language.  So for us:

 

daytime- English (my language)

dinner and evenings- almost all French, unless they are speaking directly to me and it's not dinner time

Weekends- similar to evenings- French in family, English when they are speaking directly to me

 

My husband does have a good level of English though, so it isn't as frustrating to him if they speak English.  But he does require them to speak in French to him. 

[yinanyinu]

We have a similar situation. I speak Vietnamese with my children almost exclusively (I switch sometimes when doing work in other languages) and they speak English with DH. He does feel a little left out also although he used to speak some VNese and can understand basic things. However, we keep up with it. At dinnertime, it seems that the conversation is mostly between DC and DH; I think this is because they haven't seen him all day and have a lot to share with him. For us, most of my communication with DC is mundane so he doesn't mind it; he's not missing out on any great philosophical discussions.

 

Keep up OPOL if you can, maybe reassure DH and encourage DC to talk more with their father when he is home, so he won't feel left out. it'll be good for their English too. What language do DC speak to each other in?

[Elisabet1]

When you are around someone who is monolingual, it is best to speak that language if possible. It sounds like you are with the kids a lot when your husband is not around. Speak German then. Then, when he comes home, speak English. It will teach your children the polite thing to do. Try to speak the language of the people you are around if possible.

[4KookieKids]

When you are around someone who is monolingual, it is best to speak that language if possible. It sounds like you are with the kids a lot when your husband is not around. Speak German then. Then, when he comes home, speak English. It will teach your children the polite thing to do. Try to speak the language of the people you are around if possible.

 

This is what we do around everyone who's not their dad, because it does feel really rude to exclude other people. But I also hear so much about OPOL being the gold standard, that's it's been tricky figuring out what to do around the hubby. I honestly have no idea how anyone can be OPOL unless both parents understand the other language - it's so hard otherwise! We'd sort of settled for a mix of languages, which had the effect of being neither OPOL nor inclusive of hubby and was just generally an unhappy medium. 

 

I think you (any one who can speak two languages) have the opportunity to give your DC a wonderful gift, if you are able to teach them both languages.

 

Is it possible to only speak in English when your dh is home and German when he is not?

 

I think you all are right, and the only thing to do is this. I think I'm just worried they're going to lose the German they do have right now, because minority languages always feel like an uphill fight. But we can do this! (chanting it will make it true, right? ;) )

 

What language do DC speak to each other in?

 

They speak to each other in English, but I'm constantly reminding them to speak to each other in German! :)

[Mommyof3]

I agree. Kids should be speaking in English only when in their dad's presence unless he would like to hear German it's not good manners and they need to learn to include their dad in everything. However if they are speaking German during the day with you then you shouldn't worry about them forgetting German. Maybe make a rule where for the morning they have to speak German exclusively and in the afternoon they can speak English.

[Frechesmaedl]

I am American and my husband is German. We use OPOL. I would suggest that you do as the others have said, the kids should speak English to both of you when he is in the same room. If he is in a different room, then they can continue chatting in German with you and in English with him, when you are absent from the room. It is not worth alienating your husband. Also, train your children to establish eye contact with BOTH of you when they are having a conversation with only you. They can still speak with you, but make eye contact with both of you, for example, at the dinner table. Though I cannot generalize over the entire country of Germany, I have noticed that people there tend to make only eye contact with those they are directly speaking, even if there are others in the same vicinity/group. Maybe this is a cultural trait that you have unwittingly passed on to your kids that is irking your husband... food for thought :-).

 

Although I am not German, I used to do this as a child too (only focus eye contact on the person with whom I was directly speaking) and it irked my dear mom to no end...