Need a Christian perspective, please...

[stephanie]

Ok moms, let me tell you about ds9. He's an empathetic and loving little boy. He loves Jesus and very much sees Him in everything.He loves his mommy and daddy and has no problems expressing how he feels. However, he has a very strong personality and can come off a bit cocky and arrogant. Ok, it's really not just a bit, but a lot. He's shy around people he doesn't know well, but warms up quick to people. My problem is that his personality conflicts his siblings so often that it makes me crazy. None of his other 3 sibs are like he is and I don't expect any of them to be alike, but I'm not sure how to tackle this from a Christian standpoint. He very much responds to the truth of the word and understands how to apply it when it's explained, but just has a lot of trouble applying it. (As many of us do!) It's just he is becoming difficult to be around b/c he's always so obnoxious and proud of himself. We speak towards humility, fruits of the spirit, and pleasing The Lord, but he often just makes excuses for his behavior. I was just wondering if there was a book that maybe he could delve into that could help work on his heart. I understand that we all as Christians need work in battling the flesh, but he seems so stubborn. He even asks me to pray over him, and he prays aloud and it's so sincere. I'm just not too sure about disciplining a personality trait that I know he may not be mature enough to work on yet. I'm not sure if I'm making any sense. I just told my dh tonight that I'm just not too sure how to handle him. Of course we will continue to pray over and with him, and it's not that I think a book will "fix" him. I was just hoping that there was something different I could do for him, a different approach that I could try with him that would help him recognize his behavior. Maybe I'm just being manipulated and need y'all to show me it!? You ladies are always so great about showing me things that I didn't even realize so I'm hoping this too will be the case. Thanks so much!

[Kisa in CA]

is Teddy's Button. It is published by Lamplighter. They carry the original and a beautiful picture book version. It is a novel which describes a boys battle with his flesh in a very understandable way. We read it when my son was your age and he loved it.

 

I really don't have answers, in fact, I have many of the same questions. My son is 9 and has a very strong personality and can be rude and disrespectful. I do discipline these attitudes since they are sin. Pride is too, but I haven't really disciplined for that, just read lots of scriptures, pointed out his own actions he has been unable to see, prayed, prayed, prayed. And now I wait... on the Lord and His word to do the work. It is sharper than any 2 edged sword and He has promised that it will not come back void! Those are 2 promises I stand on, especially when we have a bad day (like today!).

 

Hope that helps a bit.

Blessings,

Kisa

[stephanie]

is Teddy's Button. It is published by Lamplighter. They carry the original and a beautiful picture book version. It is a novel which describes a boys battle with his flesh in a very understandable way. We read it when my son was your age and he loved it.

 

I really don't have answers, in fact, I have many of the same questions. My son is 9 and has a very strong personality and can be rude and disrespectful. I do discipline these attitudes since they are sin. Pride is too, but I haven't really disciplined for that, just read lots of scriptures, pointed out his own actions he has been unable to see, prayed, prayed, prayed. And now I wait... on the Lord and His word to do the work. It is sharper than any 2 edged sword and He has promised that it will not come back void! Those are 2 promises I stand on, especially when we have a bad day (like today!).

 

Hope that helps a bit.

B

Kisa

 

Thanks for the reminder! You are right about His word!

[Bokons]

and it is almost like you have described my ds. A lot of times, my ds will respond to us or his brothers with a disrespectful, rude attitude or tone of voice, and I think a lot of times, he doesn't even realize it. It is something that I have been thinking about how to deal with, and I have not been very successful so far.

 

No advice, just know that we're going through the same thing here. ((()))

 

Colleen

[blessed2fosteradopt]

My 9 yo can be the same way at times. It is with his peers. He always has to be in control. He does not have an "I am better" attitude, he is just very opinionated and controlling. He always has to have the last word. He is not rude in his words, just in his tone. It is frustrating, I know. I don't have any suggestions for you....just wanted to let you know that you are far from alone. :(

 

Hugs, Lisa

[Laura in VA]

No answers here, but a reminder that there is One who has all the answers. Pray, pray, pray for Him to lead you. I'm sorry I can't be of any more help.

 

 

 

By the way, I just wanted to say that I love your picture!

[Baseballmom]

Another "same here" response. My 8 yo is a know it all. He is very sensitive, and really understands God's word, but has trouble applying it to his own life. Yet he can apply it to everyone elses life. We are trying to work through Plants Grown Up right now. We just did Laziness (another issue he has) and will be continuing to the chapters on Communicating in a Godly Way & Giving Up Our Own Desires. Instructions in Righteousness is another book that will help you to study what God's word says about Pride, Self Righteousness, and Blame-Shifting. I am looking forward to other responses.

HTH,

[Beth in Central TX]

I really don't have answers, in fact, I have many of the same questions. My son is 9 and has a very strong personality and can be rude and disrespectful. I do discipline these attitudes since they are sin.

 

My 10-year son has a very dramatic personality, and everything is done with an exclamation mark. I don't think he tries to be rude, but because he is self-centered, he is extremely inconsiderate of others. He likes to talk, but he doesn't like to listen to other people, other kids and adults alike. It's very frustrating.

 

I've disciplined his attitude, read books, read Scripture, prayed, etc. I still continue to pray, but nothing has been successful so far. I'm now tomato-staking him. He is with me or in a room that I can see all day. It's rough on me, but I've been able to correct behavior and attitude before it escalates. He is also being trained to identify this incorrect behavior before he completely acts upon it. It feels like I'm trying break a bad habit in him that he just doesn't see until it is too late. I've just started this, and he is resistant, but I'm really at my breaking point with his behavior, so something has to change.

 

I guess we are all in the same boat. What is it with 9 to 11-year old boys?

[Julie in GA]

First of all, remember that he's just 9, and that he is still very immature spiritually. I think that when he asks for prayer, it can be a way of putting the responsibility on you, or on God for his behavior instead of taking the responsibility himself. When he speaks inappropriately, he needs to be corrected, and he needs to understand what the consequences are for cocky behavior. He is still at the age where he must be trained, not just appealed to spiritually or intellectually. Does that make sense?

 

Also, at the tender young age of 9, many traits and characteristics are learned from the modelling of others. Of course, he's a sinner and his own sins and weaknesses will manifest themselves uniquely, but here is a question to ponder: Is there someone in his life (father, mother, uncle, friend) or someone he's watching on videos a lot, who behaves in a cocky way that he may be imitating? This could be one source of the behavior.

 

Also, have you made a habit of affirming everything he says, so that he has gotten used to being right? Is he, by any chance, the oldest dc? He needs to learn to receive correction, and he needs to follow your lead.

 

I wouldn't let him ask me to "pray over him" for a while. I would tackle this a bit more pragmatically, seeing as the Bible specifically mentions the rod (this can be figurative) in connection with children more than it mentions praying for them. Of course we're to pray for and with them, but it just seems like your ds has gotten to thinking that something magical will happen if he is "prayed over" and then he'll be different without having to make any effort to obey or control himself.

 

HTH. Blessings and encouragement to you!

[stephanie]

First of all, remember that he's just 9, and that he is still very immature spiritually. I think that when he asks for prayer, it can be a way of putting the responsibility on you, or on God for his behavior instead of taking the responsibility himself. When he speaks inappropriately, he needs to be corrected, and he needs to understand what the consequences are for cocky behavior. He is still at the age where he must be trained, not just appealed to spiritually or intellectually. Does that make sense?

 

Also, at the tender young age of 9, many traits and characteristics are learned from the modelling of others. Of course, he's a sinner and his own sins and weaknesses will manifest themselves uniquely, but here is a question to ponder: Is there someone in his life (father, mother, uncle, friend) or someone he's watching on videos a lot, who behaves in a cocky way that he may be imitating? This could be one source of the behavior.

 

Also, have you made a habit of affirming everything he says, so that he has gotten used to being right? Is he, by any chance, the oldest dc? He needs to learn to receive correction, and he needs to follow your lead.

 

I wouldn't let him ask me to "pray over him" for a while. I would tackle this a bit more pragmatically, seeing as the Bible specifically mentions the rod (this can be figurative) in connection with children more than it mentions praying for them. Of course we're to pray for and with them, but it just seems like your ds has gotten to thinking that something magical will happen if he is "prayed over" and then he'll be different without having to make any effort to obey or control himself.

 

HTH. Blessings and encouragement to you!

 

I've thought about the modeling and who he's getting it from, but none of us are like that. I'm on the very passive, quiet side and Dad is more quiet, but not passive. He's is the 2nd oldest boy, but my first born. My ds12 is not my biological son, but he's been with us before we ever had any other dc's. So to ds9 he is not the oldest. I know that I cannot expect him to spiritually get everything, I just know that he is capable of better behavior b/c he manages to control it in an unusual setting. I'll continue to pray and maybe do like Beth and have him with me everywhere I go to correct everything. Well, we already are together all the time, but I'll have to watch everything a little more closely. I appreciate all the understanding, though. It's really nice to hear there are others in the same boat!

[Laura in VA]

First of all, remember that he's just 9, and that he is still very immature spiritually. I think that when he asks for prayer, it can be a way of putting the responsibility on you, or on God for his behavior instead of taking the responsibility himself. When he speaks inappropriately, he needs to be corrected, and he needs to understand what the consequences are for cocky behavior. He is still at the age where he must be trained, not just appealed to spiritually or intellectually. Does that make sense?

 

Also, at the tender young age of 9, many traits and characteristics are learned from the modelling of others. Of course, he's a sinner and his own sins and weaknesses will manifest themselves uniquely, but here is a question to ponder: Is there someone in his life (father, mother, uncle, friend) or someone he's watching on videos a lot, who behaves in a cocky way that he may be imitating? This could be one source of the behavior.

 

Also, have you made a habit of affirming everything he says, so that he has gotten used to being right? Is he, by any chance, the oldest dc? He needs to learn to receive correction, and he needs to follow your lead.

 

I wouldn't let him ask me to "pray over him" for a while. I would tackle this a bit more pragmatically, seeing as the Bible specifically mentions the rod (this can be figurative) in connection with children more than it mentions praying for them. Of course we're to pray for and with them, but it just seems like your ds has gotten to thinking that something magical will happen if he is "prayed over" and then he'll be different without having to make any effort to obey or control himself.

 

HTH. Blessings and encouragement to you!

 

I'm afraid that would send the wrong signal. I would pray each time he asks for it.

[Another Lynn]

I do not offer this book suggestion as one who has conquered or mastered this problem at all. In fact I really need this with my own kids. There is a book called Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and .... in you and your kids. (Or something like that). It talks about "honor" being the "secret ingredient" to good relationships (particularly inside the family, but outside as well). It also has a study guide/family devotional for each chapter in the back of the book. Although we could use studying it again, I have found it a helpful tool in many sibling issues to ask both siblings involved if they have treated the other with honor. It seems to "cut to the chase" if you know what I mean :)

[Colleen in NS]

I have a 10yob and can relate. It's really tough sometimes. But in my clear-thinking moments, I remind myself that it is a long haul project, this raising of children - not a quick fix.

 

For practical parenting help - I found the child development series of books by Gary Ezzo really helpful (please, ladies, don't start a controversy here over this man) - and for the phase of childhood you are talking about, there is "On Becoming Preteen Wise - Parenting Your Child from Eight to Twelve Years." It lays out principles to live by and train your kids in, with very practical helps. And the Growing Kids God's Way (I know what some people think of this title, so again, please, no controversy - I'm just relaying what we found very helpful) video series expands on Ezzos books with all sorts of practical ways of living out Biblical and moral principles. There may be a GKGW class in a church near you, too, if you don't want to buy the videos, or if you want to be with other parents who are learning the same things. I found the course to be VERY encouraging and not at all rigid like I had thought it would be. The only thing I'd mention to be aware of, is that you get bombarded with a ton of info. in 18 short weeks - and the Ezzos mention this as well - you can't apply everything learned all at once. It takes time and it's a process that lasts for years. I found that encouraging to hear, too.

 

The principles and moral values that we learned in these books and in the 18 week course we took REALLY helped clarify my thinking about how I deal with behaviour. We are not just getting rid of bad behavior, we are teaching them principles (and the tools to live out the principles) to live by for the rest of their lives. I liken it to using WTM for a thorough education - I learned from WTM that we need to teach math, grammar, reading, and writing systematically over the long haul, so that the kids can go on to learn things for the rest of their lives without being hampered by not knowing how to learn. So kids need to know principles to live by, so they won't be hampered so much in their adult lives. (ex.: Principle - People are valuable to God. So, we hold a door open for an elderly person. Why? Not just so that the door doesn't get slammed in his/her face, but BECAUSE that person is valuable to God, we need to display respect for him/her)

 

Of course, I am right in the middle of much of what you described, so I regularly sink under the water.....but I cling to those principles and morals as best I can! And I take heart when my son tells me he really WANTS to do the right thing - he says he just struggles with wanting to do the wrong thing at times, too - but at least he's open to discussion. And he will pray about it, too, or ask me to pray, and I think that's great - it sets him up for a lifetime of looking to God for guidance.

 

hth

[Beth in Central TX]

I second this book. It thinks it's a great resource. Unfortunatley, only 2 of 3 our children jumped on board with us...my other son still does his own thing. Maybe I should re-read this book.

[mamalotsoftots]

Hi!

I have a book from an author named Lou Priolo. It's an older book & has been reprinted under a similar but different name, the old book name is called "How to Help Angry Kids," I know that your child's problem isn't anger, however, at the back of this book is something called a "heart journal." It has several questions for your child, when old enough, to sit down with & answer these questions. (Ex. " What happened that provoked me to anger (or whatever instance you decide, I usually ask my son these as he doesn't understand to just sit & write answers) " "what was my response?" "How should I have responded?" "What does the Bible say about my actions?")

 

When we have an issue I get this book out & ask him these questions. One at a time, then I ask him what should you have done? It seems when we show them their faults in a manner that's not just tearing them down (I'm not saying that's what you're doing !! Just for lack of better words), but finding a way to help them see their faults on their own, and know the steps to change & reconciliation. He really gets this. And by the end he's repentant & has a better attitude. :)

There is a chapter on disrespect in this book. I have not read it though, as we're not there yet. hehe. I know this book doesn't fit your situation perfectly, but I really do think the heart journal will help you. It will bring to light the problem from his own mind instead of mom or dad pointing it out.

 

 

Anyways, that's my two cents. Take it with a grain of salt! :)

 

Lou Priolo How to Help Angry Kids or the Heart of Anger I think is the updated title. He also has other great books, btw. Some you might find encouraging.

[Sandy in NC]

"Shepherding a Child's Heart" and "Say Goodbye to Whinning, Complaining and Bad Attitudes in You and Your Kids". "Shepherding a Child's Heart" is the theory of parenting from a Biblical perspective and "Say Goodbye..." is a more practical approach to parenting.

 

I have had some of the same difficulities with my oldest child. These two books have helped me to gain a better perspective in dealing with my own frustrations with him. I have had to re-read the books several times to keep me on track with parenting him. My prayer, repeatedly, is that God will use my feable attempts in his life to grow him into a godly man.

 

I hope this helps,

[Mx5]

Ok moms, let me tell you about ds9. He's an empathetic and loving little boy. He loves Jesus and very much sees Him in everything.He loves his mommy and daddy and has no problems expressing how he feels. However, he has a very strong personality and can come off a bit cocky and arrogant. Ok, it's really not just a bit, but a lot. He's shy around people he doesn't know well, but warms up quick to people. My problem is that his personality conflicts his siblings so often that it makes me crazy. None of his other 3 sibs are like he is and I don't expect any of them to be alike, but I'm not sure how to tackle this from a Christian standpoint. He very much responds to the truth of the word and understands how to apply it when it's explained, but just has a lot of trouble applying it. (As many of us do!) It's just he is becoming difficult to be around b/c he's always so obnoxious and proud of himself.

 

Child development experts as well as those in the know about brain development agree - concrete thinking is what kids do until around age 11, then they start to grasp things on an abstract level. Your son is talking about abstract spiritual things. This is good! It means he is learning what you're telling him. However, since spiritual things are abstract, it will take some time before he can truly operate in, for instance, God's grace when dealing with siblings. In the meantime, he must have consequences for choosing to do the wrong things, or acting in ways that show pride (esp. relating to how this makes others feel). Many children are great at quoting scripture, and know all the right answers, and still end up being difficult kids when it comes to behavior.

 

What I've done with my kiddos is to have a zero tolerance policy for meanness. I make sure they understand that they can always control what they do, and if they choose to do what's not right, they are also choosing to be corrected by me. This looks different for kids of different ages. When my 13yo son picks on his 15yo sister, and they both end up getting really angry, I let them know that if they don't settle things (spiritually & emotionally with each other), they will be spending MUCH more time together. I have even threatened to make them share a room for a while. Gasp!

 

For my younger kids, I remind them that they can always choose to do what is right. When they choose to do what's wrong, they are choosing to be corrected. Sometimes this will mean going to bed 1hr earlier than the others, or calling daddy at work to explain to him why they thought they could disobey me in some way, or pulling distractions that mean something to them, such as game system or tv. I have to regularly remind them to speak kindly to one another, to seek forgiveness, to grant forgiveness, explain what forgiveness is, and so forth. I figure I will be doing this until they leave the nest.

 

Your son acts like a typical firstborn. I say this because I am a firstborn, married to a firstborn. We think we can manage the world! Life tends to knock the pride out of us, though. Until that time, however, it's your job to make sure that you help your son to speak in ways to others that don't make him look like a smarty pants. Pride is sin. Not only that, but it's REALLY annoying to be around a prideful person. When he gets like that, have him spend quality time and quantity time in his room until he can speak to others kindly and calmly. You will be doing this many more times before he leaves home. Hang in there! Help him learn self control.

[HappyatHome]

I haven't read the other responses, but I'm sure you have been given wonderful advice. When my dc were younger, I used a "magic mirror." When they displayed a bad attitude reflected in their countenance, I would tell them not to move and then get the hand mirror so that they could see what the rest of us had to look at. It was done in fun and almost always resulted in a change of attitude. None of them liked the way they looked when they were pouting, etc.

 

I wonder if you could do something similar with your ds. Since he has a tender heart, if you could model back to him the way he is acting or record his interaction with his siblings and play it back for him, he might be more convicted by actually have to see what his attitude looks like to others.

 

Just a thought.

[beansprouts]

 

From 1 Kings 18:

 

25 Elijah said to the prophets of Baal, "Choose one of the bulls and prepare it first, since there are so many of you. Call on the name of your god, but do not light the fire." 26 So they took the bull given them and prepared it.

Then they called on the name of Baal from morning till noon. "O Baal, answer us!" they shouted. But there was no response; no one answered. And they danced around the altar they had made.

 

27 At noon Elijah began to taunt them. "Shout louder!" he said. "Surely he is a god! Perhaps he is deep in thought, or busy, or traveling. Maybe he is sleeping and must be awakened." 28 So they shouted louder and slashed themselves with swords and spears, as was their custom, until their blood flowed. 29 Midday passed, and they continued their frantic prophesying until the time for the evening sacrifice. But there was no response, no one answered, no one paid attention...

 

 

God uses strong personalities :) As they mature and learn to keep their eyes on Christ, kids like your ds will become great spiritual leaders. Of course that does not make parenting them any easier...