DS8 said...

[Dianne-TX]

I don't love him because I yell at him every day and get onto him every day. Now, it's exaggerated of course because it's not every day, it's not even a lot. Do I yell? Unfortunately, yes, but I've greatly improved over this last year especially. I've been purposeful not to yell in many instances and choose a different route of response. It's definitely not every day, not at all. Do we have good days that are peaceful and nice? Yes! Many days. Does he need correction? Yes. But, why does he feel I don't love him because I correct him or get onto him? He is a perfectionist type personality with everything to go along with that personality. His emotions are always at the surface. How can I help him? I'm not going to just suddenly be a perfect mother and not ever lose my cool. Is he going to think I hate him every time I get onto him or raise my voice or change the tone of my voice? That's just not reality, but to him it is his reality, like it or not. :( Help me be a better mommy... I feel helpless right now because I already work every day constantly trying to improve myself as a wife and mother. I always have my head in a reputable, Bible based parenting book gaining wisdom. I'm in the Word every day and praying earnestly every day to be a better mother and for my children's hearts. What more can I do? I've hesitated talking to him more about what he said because I really want to have good words when we talk. I, of course, already told him that wasn't true and reminded him of all the times that I tell him I love him just because he's who he is and that he's mine. I tell him often that it's not what he does good or bad, but it's just because he's (fill in his name) and that's why I love him. He says I don't show it sometimes. Ahhh! I feel like I'm under a microscope and he's watching and listening to everything I say and that determines my love for him from his point of view. I'll stop here because it's getting long and I know we as mothers know this feeling. Thanks for listening. You all are my counseling board. :)

[dirty ethel rackham]

Do you know what your son's love language is? Have you read the book The Five Love Languages of Children? If his love language is words of affirmation, yelling (or simply harsh correction) for him may be as bad as hitting. He may need correction in a different way. If he is a perfectionist, he may already have a tape playing in his head about how he has to be "perfect" to be "good enough." Perhaps he needs a more grace-based approach. Perhaps you need to find a way to fill his "love tank" so that he does not react as badly to "less than perfect."

 

I feel for your son (I was him when I was young) and I feel for you (I am parenting one like him.)

[Jean in Newcastle]

Note: my advice is full of a very specific Christian doctrinal view. If this is not your view, read to see if there is anything you can use in what I say. If there are no tidbits, please just mentally throw this out.

 

If it were my son (and my son has said things like this at times) I would say "You're right, I don't show it sometimes. Neither do you." (In a matter of fact way, not in a snarky way). "I love you no matter what you do or how you do it. Sometimes I don't like the things you do, but that doesn't mean that I don't love you."

 

I think that children need to learn that the only person who can ever love them perfectly is God. If you try to love him perfectly, you will fail. I fail all the time.

 

But I teach my kids that when I fail, I confess my sins to God and then I move on. I do it audibly before my kids. If I yell, I'll sit down with him on his bed and will out loud "tell God my naughty things". I will then tell him that I was wrong to yell, but (usually) not wrong to correct him. I will then calmly tell him his consequence (if he hasn't already had it). Then I will lead him in telling God his naughty things. I tell him that God doesn't love him any less, for having done something wrong. But a door has closed between him and God and he needs to confess his sin to restore fellowship. When he does something wrong in our family, there is a break in our fellowship too (but not our love). When my dc accept their consequence and come back to me with a right attitude our fellowship is restored.

 

When my children were little, I had them go through the form of this, even though I realized that it had no meaning if they didn't really want to do it. Now that they are older, I give my children the opportunity to do so but it is between them and God whether they want to confess their sins.

[Kathy in MD]

I don't love him because I yell at him every day and get onto him every day. Now, it's exaggerated of course because it's not every day, it's not even a lot. Do I yell? Unfortunately, yes, but I've greatly improved over this last year especially. I've been purposeful not to yell in many instances and choose a different route of response. It's definitely not every day, not at all. Do we have good days that are peaceful and nice? Yes! Many days. Does he need correction? Yes. But, why does he feel I don't love him because I correct him or get onto him? He is a perfectionist type personality with everything to go along with that personality. His emotions are always at the surface. How can I help him? I'm not going to just suddenly be a perfect mother and not ever lose my cool. Is he going to think I hate him every time I get onto him or raise my voice or change the tone of my voice? That's just not reality, but to him it is his reality, like it or not. :( Help me be a better mommy... I feel helpless right now because I already work every day constantly trying to improve myself as a wife and mother. I always have my head in a reputable, Bible based parenting book gaining wisdom. I'm in the Word every day and praying earnestly every day to be a better mother and for my children's hearts. What more can I do? I've hesitated talking to him more about what he said because I really want to have good words when we talk. I, of course, already told him that wasn't true and reminded him of all the times that I tell him I love him just because he's who he is and that he's mine. I tell him often that it's not what he does good or bad, but it's just because he's (fill in his name) and that's why I love him. He says I don't show it sometimes. Ahhh! I feel like I'm under a microscope and he's watching and listening to everything I say and that determines my love for him from his point of view. I'll stop here because it's getting long and I know we as mothers know this feeling. Thanks for listening. You all are my counseling board. :)

 

From lessons I've learned the hard way and had to relearn, I suggest that you put away your parenting books and refrain from researching yet another curriculum. And then spend time with him, focused on him, doing what he wants to do. It doesn't have to be hours and hours every week. But just a regular half hour per week can do wonders for your relationship. It can fill his "love tank" for him to draw from when things are rough.

 

You may think that you are already focused on him and his needs. I know I did. After all, look at all the time I've spent researching the best eductional materials or him, and the time I spend preparing lessons, and the time I spend waiting while he's taking private lessons, the time I spent lecturing him on his school subjects and grading them and my friendships I've let slide while I focused on "him". But my ds, and possibly your ds, don't see that time as being focused on him. My ds, and many, many other dc, crave attention focused on what they want and what interests them. So schedule a half hour a week to do what he wants -- play a game you hate because he loves it, help him make up knock-knock jokes, play football with him even if you hate it. But do what HE wants. I learned this in a parenting class and have discovered that things go much better when I do schedule time to focus on ds and is needs.

 

I'm beginning spending this focused time may be even more important for homeschooling parents than it is for parents who send their dc to school, BECAUSE we not only criticise their "home" time (pick up your room, don't fight with your sister, etc), but we criticise their school time (Your work is late, you didn't capitalize, you only got 70% on your test, etc.). As a perfectionist, my ds replays these comments constantly and adds them to his personal criticism. Hhe needs to have this one-on-one focus where what he wants to do (within reason) rules, we laugh, and he's not criticised.

[Dianne-TX]

Do you know what your son's love language is? Have you read the book The Five Love Languages of Children? If his love language is words of affirmation, yelling (or simply harsh correction) for him may be as bad as hitting. He may need correction in a different way. If he is a perfectionist, he may already have a tape playing in his head about how he has to be "perfect" to be "good enough." Perhaps he needs a more grace-based approach. Perhaps you need to find a way to fill his "love tank" so that he does not react as badly to "less than perfect."

 

I feel for your son (I was him when I was young) and I feel for you (I am parenting one like him.)

 

but, I can't remember what his love lang. is exactly. I know words of affirmation were at the top, though. You are right, since he feels love by words, harshness is awful for him! My dh and I just talked about this. My dh said he needs his love tank filled. Thanks for the reminder. And, yes, I was like him when I was younger too. You would think I would be more sensitive to it and know what to do, but now that it's my child, I'm at a loss sometimes. I get too emotional about it and don't look at it objectively. Thanks for the help.

 

ETA: It's funny you mentioned a grace-based approach because that's been the path we've been on for awhile now. It's still a work in progress and I'm still working on how to exactly do it in certain instances, but wow, it has helped me not take things personally as a parent. I'm gaining tips on how to respond in certain instances and re-learning to enjoy my kids and not put expectations on them and help them grow and on and on. I just finished reading "Families Where Grace Is In Place" by VanVonderan and now I'm reading "Good and Angry: Exchanging Frustration for Character in You and Your Child" by Turansky and ?. I'm glad you mentioned it because I have seen a 180 degree difference in him when I approach him in this way. :)

Edited April 29, 2009 by Dianne-TX
additional information regarding grace-based parenting

[Dianne-TX]

Note: my advice is full of a very specific Christian doctrinal view. If this is not your view, read to see if there is anything you can use in what I say. If there are no tidbits, please just mentally throw this out.

 

If it were my son (and my son has said things like this at times) I would say "You're right, I don't show it sometimes. Neither do you." (In a matter of fact way, not in a snarky way). "I love you no matter what you do or how you do it. Sometimes I don't like the things you do, but that doesn't mean that I don't love you."

 

I think that children need to learn that the only person who can ever love them perfectly is God. If you try to love him perfectly, you will fail. I fail all the time.

 

But I teach my kids that when I fail, I confess my sins to God and then I move on. I do it audibly before my kids. If I yell, I'll sit down with him on his bed and will out loud "tell God my naughty things". I will then tell him that I was wrong to yell, but (usually) not wrong to correct him. I will then calmly tell him his consequence (if he hasn't already had it). Then I will lead him in telling God his naughty things. I tell him that God doesn't love him any less, for having done something wrong. But a door has closed between him and God and he needs to confess his sin to restore fellowship. When he does something wrong in our family, there is a break in our fellowship too (but not our love). When my dc accept their consequence and come back to me with a right attitude our fellowship is restored.

 

When my children were little, I had them go through the form of this, even though I realized that it had no meaning if they didn't really want to do it. Now that they are older, I give my children the opportunity to do so but it is between them and God whether they want to confess their sins.

 

This was so good for me to read. How prideful of me to think that I have to love him perfectly. You are right, only God can love us that way! I am flawed and I need my kids to see it and how to approach the Lord when we fail. They need to see they are flawed too and how to approach the Lord to confess that. I will use your words when I talk to him. I like how you phrased it. So good and such a teachable moment for his relationship with the Lord. I feel humbled reading your words and embarrassed that I didn't think of it myself. My emotions are at the surface as well and that's not always good for solving problems. Thank you so much for your wisdom.

[Dianne-TX]

From lessons I've learned the hard way and had to relearn, I suggest that you put away your parenting books and refrain from researching yet another curriculum. And then spend time with him, focused on him, doing what he wants to do. It doesn't have to be hours and hours every week. But just a regular half hour per week can do wonders for your relationship. It can fill his "love tank" for him to draw from when things are rough.

 

You may think that you are already focused on him and his needs. I know I did. After all, look at all the time I've spent researching the best eductional materials or him, and the time I spend preparing lessons, and the time I spend waiting while he's taking private lessons, the time I spent lecturing him on his school subjects and grading them and my friendships I've let slide while I focused on "him". But my ds, and possibly your ds, don't see that time as being focused on him. My ds, and many, many other dc, crave attention focused on what they want and what interests them. So schedule a half hour a week to do what he wants -- play a game you hate because he loves it, help him make up knock-knock jokes, play football with him even if you hate it. But do what HE wants. I learned this in a parenting class and have discovered that things go much better when I do schedule time to focus on ds and is needs.

 

I'm beginning spending this focused time may be even more important for homeschooling parents than it is for parents who send their dc to school, BECAUSE we not only criticise their "home" time (pick up your room, don't fight with your sister, etc), but we criticise their school time (Your work is late, you didn't capitalize, you only got 70% on your test, etc.). As a perfectionist, my ds replays these comments constantly and adds them to his personal criticism. Hhe needs to have this one-on-one focus where what he wants to do (within reason) rules, we laugh, and he's not criticised.

 

He needs it. I just feel like he's stressed all the time. Some kids can handle more, but not him. He messes up twice on his practice and he's crying. I told her it's not worth it right now. He just needs to relax. Our school time has actually been relaxed a lot lately, but as far as spending one on one time with him, it doesn't happen often. My dd went to spend the night with grandma last night, so that day we were together. We threw the ball together and made dinner together. We hadn't done that in a long time. That time together just happened and then today happened! I know it needs to be consistent and that will help. Thank you. I can read in your words the intensity of your advice. I thank you for being so open.

[Danestress]

Building a strong, trusting, loving relationship is vital because that's what sustains us when we mistreat one another. When my husband is crabby, I remember the nights he got up with teething babies, the times we came home from long trips and he did all the unpacking and cleaning, the care he gave me when I was pregnant and sick, the devotion he has shown my parents. He has credit in the love bank, so to speak.

 

I think you have to figure out how to love your son best for him as an individual. Daily fill his love cup. Laugh at his jokes, smile when you see him, treat him to little favors from time to time. Listen when he speaks, cultivate gentleness, praise his effort. You know how to do this.

 

And when you sin, confess it to him and to the Lord, ask forgiveness, and move on. I would not allow the statements of a child to throw me off the game IF I know that my behavior is loving and encouraging most of the time.

 

I love what Jean said about only God being able to love perfectly.

[Dianne-TX]

Building a strong, trusting, loving relationship is vital because that's what sustains us when we mistreat one another. When my husband is crabby, I remember the nights he got up with teething babies, the times we came home from long trips and he did all the unpacking and cleaning, the care he gave me when I was pregnant and sick, the devotion he has shown my parents. He has credit in the love bank, so to speak.

 

I think you have to figure out how to love your son best for him as an individual. Daily fill his love cup. Laugh at his jokes, smile when you see him, treat him to little favors from time to time. Listen when he speaks, cultivate gentleness, praise his effort. You know how to do this.

 

And when you sin, confess it to him and to the Lord, ask forgiveness, and move on. I would not allow the statements of a child to throw me off the game IF I know that my behavior is loving and encouraging most of the time.

 

I love what Jean said about only God being able to love perfectly.

 

I've tried to adopt a more grace-based style. I also am not beating myself up too much because I know it's exaggerated. But, I can't help but feel bad about the times that I have done exactly what he feels is not showing him love, even though there's way more of the other. I already feel badly about my behavior, he just hit me where it hurts you know. I have a better grasp on it today and plan to handle it today and move on. Thanks for the encouragement.

[Catwoman]

I can't tell you how much I needed to read this thread today!

 

Cat

[WTMindy]

I think kids will sometimes say this because they know that those words will dig right into a mommy's heart. My son will do that every once in a while as more of a manipulative thing. I just pull him close, give him a huge hug and say with a big smile, "Is that REALLY what you think? Do you REALLY think I don't love you?" I tell him all the time how much I love him, how crazy I am about him, etc. So, I KNOW that he knows that I love him. Once he admits that he knows I love him, I deal with what he is really saying, which is, "Why are you speaking/acting harshly?" I will apologize if I have been harsh and ask him if he thinks that he shares any of the blame. Usually by talking about it, we work it through. But, I tell him, he is only allowed to speak truth and it isn't true that I don't love him.

[bkpan]

Dianne,

 

Thank you for your post. I could have written it myself. With 6 dc, it is so easy to feel as if I am failing one or all of them! The responses you received were very helpful to me, and I appreciate your transparency in sharing your heart.

 

Kim