My 6yo is unhappy

[caitlinsmom]

And I dont know why. Honestly I am at my wits end with how to deal with her. She is erratic and violent at times. She throws fits worthy of TV. She screams at the slightest thing (like no you can have a piece of gum) and then will continue forever! Today the fit was over a cookie and seriously she was still dissolving into tears about it 2 hours later.

She bursts into tears at the slightest provocation and will hit if someone accidently bumps her or something she is playing with.

 

We dont hit in this house ever. We have always taught that hitting is not right. When I finally broke down and spanked her last year she barely bat an eye before reminding me quite indignatly that we do not hit in our family. No punishments work on her. You can not reason with her. In the middle of a fit nothing will work unless you giver her what she wants (which we do NOT do).

 

She didnt use to be this way at all. I would definatly say it has been in the last 18mo-2yrs she has really started to get out of control. I dont have any idea how to handle her anymore. I find myself wanting to get violent with her (I grew up in abuse) and have to work very hard with not. There are times I have to completely walk away from here. I dont know if this teaches her I wont tolerate her actions or if this somehow solidifies that she isnt wanted (in her mind). I didnt use to scream but in the last 2 years i have become a yeller. I hate this but after a while her out of control behavior totally makes me out of control. I know I shouldnt allow this to happen but I dont know how to deal with this (another issue from my childhood).

 

I had her tested for gluten allergies because I read this sort of behavior can be a result of the allergy. I totally thought the test would come back positive but it didnt. I have no idea what to do. I dont know how to help her. This behavior doesnt seem age appropriate but what do I know. I am jsut at the end of my rope. I find myself getting more and more negative toward her in my head and I know this will not help the situation.

 

I just needed to get that out. Any advice or suggestions? Anything at this point would be appreciated greatly.

[mom4him]

:grouphug:This is so hard. Our ds, now 8, used to go into rages several times a day some days. Anything could set him off or some days nothing. It was aweful.

We have done two major things. Our family has gone on a strict Spec. Carb Diet and we live chemically free. We don't have anything in our home that is fragranced and I am very careful with all new things that we bring in the house.

We have also done treatments with our Chiropractor called NAET that have been very helpful. He hasn't had a rage since last fall and most of the time is a very happy little boy.

If you want more info send me a pm.

[specialmama]

Kim, you're throwin' up a red flag girl, and now we're going to hold you accountable! :001_smile:

 

You need to go see a dr. for her. Sometimes it is a diet or medical thing or vitamin/mineral deficiency or toxicity or a million other things that can be easily fixed.

 

For us, our #1 rule is to rule out physical problems, so that once you do that, then we can move on to see if it's evironmental or a learned behavior. She may just have a darn strong will. Is she able to talk to you about her meltdown after the fact?

[abbeyej]

Oh ((Kim))...

 

It sounds to me like it's time to get the advice of a developmental pediatrician. This does not sound like it fits within the realm of normal behavior and development to me -- but it's also very curious that it developed so late (at age 4, you think?)... You need to be able to rule out physical causes (checking for food allergies was a good step -- did you only check for gluten at the time? hypoglycemia, so many other things can cause erratic, irrational behavior), and once you either deal with those physical causes or rule them out, you can perhaps find someone to help you deal directly with the behavioral / developmental issues.

 

It sounds like you have really done all you can as a mom to try to identify and deal with what's going on with her. It sounds like you have been doing a *good*job*. But it's still not working. Now is the time to look for outside help -- before either one of you begins to lose hope.

 

If there's a physical cause, you want to address it asap. If there are psychological causes, getting treatment could change bother of your lives so much...

 

Don't wait. It's not a failure. It's the chance for a new start.

[caitlinsmom]

 

For us, our #1 rule is to rule out physical problems, so that once you do that, then we can move on to see if it's evironmental or a learned behavior. She may just have a darn strong will. Is she able to talk to you about her meltdown after the fact?

 

Not really. In fact most times I will try the "Hey what is going on? What caused that? Do you need to talk about something?" route and if I am not careful it will throw her right back into a fit. Not as extreme but still something that makes you stand back with your mouth hanging open.

 

She never has been an expressive child in the sense of talking about what makes her sad, happy, etc. She doesnt like attention on her emotions when it comes to that sort of thing.

[Jenny in Florida]

Is there anything going on that is causing tension or stress in your family?

 

Some kids--like my daughter--just soak up other people's unhappiness and stress. They feel it but don't know it isn't their own and, therefore, get miserable and seemingly completely unreasonable.

 

My daughter went through a phase at roughly the same age of over-the-top horrendous behaviour, with tantrums that had to be seen to be believed. She saw a pediatric psychologist for months who clearly thought that either we were exagerating or her problems were the result of poor parenting (or both). The doctor kept talking to me about parenting skills and telling me how delightful my daughter was. This went on for seven months, until the day my daughter decided she didn't want to go see the doctor and had one of her meltdowns in the waiting room.

 

Within 10 minutes, the psychologist had washed her hands of my daughter and had us escorted from the building with a referral to a psychiatrist, because my daughter's behavior was "out of her league."

 

What we thought at the time and no professional would believe was that our daughter was soaking up the stress provoked by a situation involving some relatives. The whole thing went on for almost two years--from when she was four and half until about age six--with us having to adapt our lifestyle to a child whose behavior was completely erratic.

 

You know what cured her? The external situation ended. The behavior problems disappeared within weeks.

 

So, when I read your question, this was the first thing I thought of. Obviously, different child, different family. But I thought I'd mention it.

[Carol in Cal.]

Good for you for not perpetuating the abuse from your family of origin.

 

I wonder whether you have tried noticing the good, very aggressively, and commenting on it cheerfully and appreciatively? And projecting calm into the situation in your facial expression and in your tone of voice? This is really, really difficult to maintain, and it only actually works if it is sustained. But it can help diffuse the situation a lot.

 

Also I encourage you not to talk with her about her feelings necessarily. She doesn't seem to know what to do with them, and I would talk with her about that. For instance, "People are SO special. We do not EVER hit people. We hug them instead. Now you need to think of something else to do FOR this person to help her feel better." Walk her through some act of service that she could do, and stand over her (but nicely and calmly and cheerfully) while she does it. Then later, "When you feel badly, you can go over to that corner and stomp on that pillow, or you can go to the mud room and yell as loudly as you want. You cannot hurt someone else, though." Once you have done this a few times, it gets to be like shorthand. "Corner stomp might help you feel better." "Go scream out there, and then come back and have a hug."

 

Also, try to say yes much more than no. So for the cookie, "Yes, you may have a cookie after you have a balanced snack. Balanced means a protein and a fruit or vegetable. Would you like me to help you make a balanced snack to eat?" For going to bed, "Yes, you may stay up longer on Friday, but tonight bedtime is right now." Of course, sometimes you just have to say no and make it stick, but doing it the 'yes, later' way is less drastic and sometimes easier to accept as it doesn't invoke the despair (my mom will NEVER give me a cookie! Ever again!) or defiance (how DARE she say no to me, mom or not???) that the simple 'no' tends to produce.

 

I have to say, though, gently, that when I have used these techniques most successfully with children, they have mostly been a bit younger -- 3 or 4; maybe 5 at the most. A 6YO who is doing this often sounds unusual. I would really wonder whether she has seen or heard something that has scared her, badly, or whether she is internalizing other problems in her family or among those she knows. She sounds a bit extreme to me.

[Carol in Cal.]

The Jesse Wise approach--Need a sandwich? How about a nap? A shower might be good about now?

 

Especially the food and sleep--is she getting enough of both, and at the right times? Any child this age will go OC if she is tired or hungry. You have to really watch this carefully, especially on playdates or at activities where they are having such a good time that they forget to eat and don't really realize that they are hungry.

[LND1218]

Well so I stopped by your blog... could it be circumstantial? Some kids don't handle change well at all! My oldest has a very very hard time with change. She needs a regular schedule (which kills me!) and when anything changes she can be very difficult. When we moved, it was very very hard.

 

Somethings that helped my dd (who also doesn't like attention or to talk about it) were routine and talking about it. Sometimes just me talking even if she didn't say much.

 

I would look at the last 18 months of your life and see what other events may contribute to it.

[Jenny in Florida]

"When you feel badly, you can go over to that corner and stomp on that pillow, or you can go to the mud room and yell as loudly as you want. You cannot hurt someone else, though."

 

Just one comment about this post, most of which sounds right on the mark to me: These kinds of techniques (hitting pillows, screaming, etc.) have never worked for either of my kids when they get in these zones. Behaving aggressively seems to just fuel the fire.

[KuniMom]

We went through the exact same thing with our daughter, who is 6, when she turned 4. She went from a sweet little girl to one who had violent, aggressive rages that lasted hours. We live overseas, so taking her to a pediatrician or developmental psychologist was out of the question. We finally figured out it was a milk allergy/intolerance. I'm not sure if it's an actual allergy, as we haven't been able to have her tested for allergies (and those tests aren't 100% accurate anyways). We found that taking dairy completely out of her diet helped tremendously. She still has rages occasionally; it seems like it goes in spurts.

 

When she rages, we make her go lay on her bed until she is calmed down. I say "make" because she is young enough for us to physically force her there, but she is starting to get too big for me to pick up when she's acting like that. Also, I don't really think her bed is the best place for this, but we live in a tiny apartment, and that is really the only place to put her. She will scream, kick, and hit until she is over it, which can sometimes last a while. When she is through, though, she is always extremely repentant, and then we talk about it. She voices all the time, though, that she doesn't want to act that way, she just can't stop it. Does your daughter say the same?

 

You could try to keep a food diary. That may help pinpoint what is causing the fits. It really could be anything: a preservative, a food dye, sugar, rice, wheat, the list can go on and on. There is information online about elimination diets to determine food allergies, where you take out all main allergens from their diet, and slowly add them back in. Or there's another version where you take out one food at a time, and then after two weeks, you give them a huge amount of it to see if it changes anything. It would totally be worth it if you found out if there is a food she is allergic to that is causing her fits.

 

I know how you feel, though. Some days I feel like just giving up. It's emotionally exhausting.

[5knights3maidens]

Like KuniMom (everything she said), I was going to say dairy also. Take her off for 3 weeks (includes whey, casein, milk, etc...) check ALL foods that go into her mouth and items like hand creams etc. After 3 weeks start introducing it a little at a time. We did this with dd and short of an hour she was throwing a temper tantrum while strapped in her carseat. My dad witnessed the whole thing and could not believe it. He said it was unbelievable. Hope you find out soon. (We also keep the food dyes away from her.)