Doing something half-way

[Danestress]

How do you decide how much time, effort, and money to let a child put into a sport (or music or fill in the blank), assuming you have a child who would very very much like to put a LOT of those three things into it?

 

I have one son who swims. Easy. You pay a flat rate and swim almost daily and he does what he does with it.

 

But I am finding tennis is a very different world. My other son adores tennis. He's very good at it and wants to play every day. For a long time, he's taken a couple of clinics a week and played with his father a couple of times a week and played the occasional match with other kids, entering tournaments here and there. But he really wants to up his game, and he certainly has the potential, but oh. my. stars is it expensive. He's training at a facility now where they actually have kids who homeschool until 1:00 and then train in tennis from 1 - 6 every day. Of course, he's dying to do that, though it's not really an option for us right now.

 

I need to hear from some parents who have children who are talented in sports and have either decided to pour in the resources to let the kid attempt to meet dreams, or who have decided to let the kid do it "half-way" - which for us would be continuing a couple of clinics a week and just accepting that that can only go so far. I guess on a bigger picture level, this is really about indulging a dream or limiting it, and how you deal with a child's disappointment. I'm sure that parents who have children who want to train at an advanced level in music face similar issues.

 

I love this boy so much and I want him to have everything he wants if I know those things are not harmful. Its hard for me to think about saying, "You can't train for your very best, you need to train to just enjoy it and get what you can out of it and deal with it." And yet, realistically, that seems like a good goal - play to enjoy.

 

Part of the problem is that when you enter into a "world" (the swim world, youth orchestra world, tennis world) other parents talk and you listen and you change. I wasn't all spun up about this until I heard all the other mothers talking about daily clinics and state rankings and various tournaments, and it occurred to me that my son would very much like it if I were one of the Moms who was just as obsessed with her child's ranking as he is.

[Carol in Cal.]

Just look at poor Brittany Spears. No, really.

 

So if my child were going to be a pop celebrity, I would not encourage it to the point of a big focus. Same with the big team or show sports, like football, ice skating, diving, or gymnastics.

 

But for a sport that you can always do, your whole life, that is likely to make you healthier, and that you have real potential for, I say go for it. And that does include tennis. Nothing carries a kid safely through the late teens and early twenties better than a good, healthy obsession, LOL. And one of the big benefits of homeschooling is that it gives kids a chance to have enough time to pursue something like that and still get an actual, well-rounded education.

 

And, yes, I do follow this in real life--it's not just theoretical for me. Right now DD is in a real opera, with a well-known company, as a child singer. Also, she spends a day a week at a homeschoolers' nature awareness class--I want her to always love the out of doors and have some serious interests in pursuits other than shopping! And we did NOT allow her to pursue modelling when she was heavily recruited to do so (and I know that she would be very good at that as well.)

[Pongo]

Gosh, we went through that last year with soccer. My dd played for the town leagues,easy enough. Then she tried out for the town spring team which, is more competitive. Some of the coaches from the spring teams also coach in what is called premier teams. These are about $1200 to train in, and tournaments aren't covered, so that's several hundred dollars more. She got asked so many times to come and play with a premier league, I finally said if you really think she can go all the way then offer her a scholarship, and they did. They also decided based on her skill to have her play up, this means she is playing on teams with girls older than her.

So, I would try that first, have someone from the league look at him and see what they think of his skill. ;)

[Catwoman]

and it occurred to me that my son would very much like it if I were one of the Moms who was just as obsessed with her child's ranking as he is.

 

Well, if he were a top-ranked player, he might be happy about it; otherwise, it might be very stressful for him, as he might think he had to live up to unreasonably high expectations. Some moms are ridiculously obsessed with rankings and perfection -- and having something to brag about -- and their kids often seem pretty unhappy. It's hard for them to live up to some moms' dreams and ambitions for them.

 

Clearly, you're not one of those moms, and I think that's a very good thing.

 

One of the reasons your ds loves tennis so much may be that it's fun for him, and isn't something where you demand perfection from him, so he's allowed to enjoy the competition without worrying that you'll think he's a loser if he's not nationally ranked. Some kids seem to thrive on tremendous competition and pressure, but many don't. Only you would know how your son would react to taking his sport to the next level.

 

Of course, the money is a consideration, but I would be more concerned about the emotional aspects of getting involved in something that sounds very intense and competitive. It may be great for your ds, but it may not.

 

Cat

[Catwoman]

...and have some serious interests in pursuits other than shopping!

 

Now wait a minute, Carol.

 

Are you trying to tell me that there are pursuits other than shopping? ;)

 

I would like to see a detailed list, please. :D

 

(And SHHHHHH!!! Don't tell my DH!)

 

Cat

[Carol in Cal.]

Now wait a minute, Carol.

 

Are you trying to tell me that there are pursuits other than shopping? ;)

 

I would like to see a detailed list, please. :D

 

(And SHHHHHH!!! Don't tell my DH!)

 

Cat

 

Sorry!!! You have to have your own, true list!

 

For me, it's reading, knitting, wild nature, music, and (don't laugh) bargain hunting. (That doesn't count as shopping. If it's thrift stores and free exchanges and ebay and Craig's list, it's not really shopping. That's my position, and I'm sticking to it!)

[Danestress]

Of course, the money is a consideration, but I would be more concerned about the emotional aspects of getting involved in something that sounds very intense and competitive. It may be great for your ds, but it may not.

 

Cat

 

Yes, I agree that would be a big concern.

 

Even if we committed to a major training schedule, I am not sure I would enter him in a lot more tournaments. I just don't think at 11, the tournaments are what it should be about. He might disagree, though.

[eternalknot]

My son's father and I came from very different experiences, so I'll share each with you.

 

My parents helped to the fullest of their abilities, but always expected that we would also do what WE could to keep our dreams afloat. We were a family of eight kids with varied interests. My brother worked at the airfield to finance flying lessons; my other brother and I wore hand-me-downs two years in a row so that we could save for a pitching machine in the backyard LOL. In every way, my parents gave us opportunities to live to our fullest or sink to our deepest. In hindsight, the chance to earn our own way (even partially) was also a life lesson that stayed with all of us. My parents never qualified their investment with our talent, only with our drive ... so if it was important to us and we were willing to give it our all, we had their full support to blow full steam ahead.

 

My son's father had a very different upbringing. Two kids and the family was comfortable financially ... but they were of the mindset that it was a 'waste' to invest resources (whether financial or time or energy) into something that had a definite end in sight. Meaning, because he would never be a professional 3rd baseman ... his parents weren't willing to sink extra cash into the sport (beyond recreational city play). Because my SIL would never perform on Broadway, they wouldn't help finance her theatrical pursuits beyond the public school annual play. The kids were definitely loved, the parents just considered it a waste of resources to invest more deeply in to a "hobby" (as opposed to a career). Both kids know they are/were loved, but still talk about missed opportunities and unfulfilled dreams. Neither felt comfortable as an adult to follow up on those dreams surrounded by youngers who had been active in the hobby for years.

 

I had the chance to achieve my dreams - including the experience of realizing that maybe x wasn't my dream after all. My son's dad still lives with "what ifs" and wonderings of how differently his life may have been "if only" ...

 

My son decided competitive baseball wasn't his thing (too political in our area), but he LOVES playing competitive soccer. It's very expense here, so even though he practices with his team year-round I can only afford for him to compete two of three seasons per year. This year he asked for (and received) a partial scholarship to play the third season. His coach is financing the remainder of the balance by giving my son a 'work' opportunity (assisting at practice for the younger recreational kids). He probably won't play beyond the high school years, but he is getting the chance to follow his dream now. He is learning so much about himself and the world, that the sport almost seems secondary!

 

In sum, I see my son's dad lamenting lost opportunities and know in my heart that I couldn't chance the same for my kids. That's why we go whole hog. My son is a natural athlete; there are sports he wants to compete at (soccer, martial arts) and there are sports that he just wants to play recreationally (tennis, golf) without the pressure. We encourage and model both types of participation.

[eternalknot]

Yes, I agree that would be a big concern.

 

Even if we committed to a major training schedule, I am not sure I would enter him in a lot more tournaments. I just don't think at 11, the tournaments are what it should be about. He might disagree, though.

 

My brother and I were competitive athletes (me through high school, him through college). My parents encouraged us to play competitively in our chosen sports, but they still pulled rank when scheduling got crazy.

 

I'm always up front with my son's coaches. I let them know that he wants to play competitively but we will not let the sport take precedence over health and family. That means we don't always commit to all seasons of play (at risk of losing our spot on the team) and that we skip the summer tournaments (no burnout). The better coaches appreciate our philosophy and upfront honesty, and work with us; the lesser coaches try to guilt or scare us into playing more. Either way, we learn straight away if a team or coach is a good fit for us.

 

I think downtime is important for emotional AND physical reasons. My son isn't always thrilled, and doesn't always understand my motives ... but one day he will appreciate why I enforce mandatory downtime between seasons. Yours will, too :) It took me becoming a parent to realize why my own parents did it, and I'm just constantly apologizing to them for all those years I thought I knew better than they did. About everything :tongue_smilie:

[Danestress]

You are right that I don't want to ever think my child lives with the burden of "what ifs" that were unnecessary.

 

At the same time, it's scary when they have dream. He took a lesson with a new pro last week and the guy asked him, "So what is your hope for tennis, long-term?"

 

My son didn't even hesitate. He said precisely which college he wants a scholarship for. It actually made me laugh. And then it made me think about how I have never asked him that question. And then it scared me to think, "what if that just doesn't happen? Will he be a bitter, disappointed person?"

 

Anyway, your post was helpful!