Negativity in an 8 year old boy

[Grace]

Please help me!! My son just turned 8 years old and I am not sure who he is anymore. He is sooooo negative about everything. He did not use to be like this so I am baffled and sure I am not handling it right.

 

I do know most child-behavior is a reflection on the parent but I am not sure where I am going wrong. I have tried to focus on the positives and I try to praise him anytime he speaks politely or positively, but my opportunities are getting less and less. :glare:

 

A few examples: I asked him today to try on his soccer cleats and shin guards. I was met with big sighs and a few "oh man...do I have to?" I lost it.... I was going to buy him new cleats and all I got was attitude.

 

Yesterday, I made him a special breakfast...just for him, trying to make him feel special. And all he said was "Daddy makes it better"

 

Another day, he was complaining about school being "no fun" so I sent him on the driveway with his spelling list and chalk and wanted him to write his words. He came in to complain that he had chalk in his eye, and the yellow didn't show up, and all the blue was too small. GRRRRRRRR.

 

I was doing math with him, trying to explain a new concept, and he kept interrupting me saying "I got it! I got it!" He was covering up his work and turning his back to me so I couldn't watch him. Well....he didn't get it and after my "lecture" to him (in a tone I am not proud of) we re-did the problems but now I am angry and he is crying....great math lesson huh?

 

Today he came down with pants on from last season. I mentioned those were his wrong jeans and he insisted that they were the only jeans he has. I jokingly said I am the laundry-queen and I can find him pants that fit. And his response to me was "not going to happen". Where did that come from? UGH!!!!:confused:

 

Please, I am open to any and all suggestions or criticisms. I want my sweet 7 year old back. Open my eyes to what I can change. Or assure me this will pass....maybe?

[catalinakel]

My boy started acting up like this around age 8. He is now almost 11, and still will behave like this sometimes. I think it is a bit of trying to be independent, but still needing mommy, so being frustrated with himself. Which he takes out on me. Whenever he gets this way I try to spend some one on one time with him, and have daddy do the same. This seems to do the trick, but, if not, he may lose a privilege if he doesn't shape up. This does the trick. Others may have more insight than I, but this has been my experience.

[MamaT]

My oldest son started acting like that when he was 8 (the other three were a little older). Our reaction to this behavior is double the praise, double the discipline. Also, at this point I stopped doing most of his punishment and left that to dh. I kept a chart and made a mark each time he was rude or disrepectful and dh dealt with him accordingly each evening. It was more of a load on my dh, but at that age he received it better from his dad.

[mnllj7]

My daughter has gotten very negative, she started this around 8, she will be 9 in june, It seems like nothing I use in the homeschooling area is good enough. complain complain complain. She is now loosing money because of the attitude. it helps for the moment but starts up again. Is their something in this stage or age of life? nancyt.

[Cheryl in NM]

OMG! I could have written your post! Of course, you are already much more patient and loving that I was I'm ashamed to say. I did learn, though. I do think at that age they are trying to be independent, but they sometimes still have very little boy feelings still.

 

Maybe try letting him make more decisions, focus on how "grown up" he is. I'm sorry to say you won't get your sweet little 7 year old back. What you will end up with is someone who can be very compassionate, but then very selfish...in the way that children are. This is a milestone.

 

He might be able to have a reasonable conversation with you about his behavior and the consequences. He might not having those reasoning powers yet. Keep trying to reason with him. My son didn't really have good reasoning skills until almost 11. Some kids can do that sooner.

 

Try to find what calms him.

 

Talk in a very matter of fact way and don't give in the crying. This is all part of growing up.

 

This timeframe takes alot of patience, understanding and consistency on your part. You will hear "it's not fair!" more than you ever wanted to! Make sure that your expectations and rules are very consistent. That way he knows what to expect and what his consequences are.

 

This is where you start defining what you are willing to "fight" for as a parent. You learn what "hills you want to die on" according to Dr. Laura.

 

I think that's all I can come with right now. Your baby is growing up...sorry:glare:

[katemary63]

I don't have all the answers, but I do have a bit of advice. DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY!!! I know this from experience and mistakes I made over the years. With my first 2, I took their negativity personally. It made me feel so bad. I wanted them to reflect back to me the love I tried to give them and when they spouted this kind of negativity - I was devastated.

NOW - looking back on it - I realize it had NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. Even if they say, "Daddy is better at it." It is still NOT a reflection on me. It is just kids-growing-up stuff. You know what else I realized. They don't even comprehend that we do take it personally AT ALL. They don't mean it that way. They still love you to death! But at some stages, kids just express these negative behaviors. I'm not saying its okay and I would try to find ways to extinguish the negativity. But....if you realize it is not a reflection of their feelings for you, you will be better able to handle the moment without "loosing it". Trust me - I understand loosing it and I've done my share. But I just don't do it anymore with my dd7 & dd17 because of a better perspective.

[Maria/ME]

What they said.

 

This series really helped my daughter when she was going through various issues!

 

What To Do Guides For Kids: Negativity

 

HTH

[myfunnybunch]

We back up and try again. I'll tell my ds, "That wasn't an appropriate (or polite or positive or...whatever word fits best for that moment) response. Let's try again." Sometimes I let him know the positive response I expect, "When I come back, I'd like to hear something like 'Okay, mom' or 'May I finish this first?' " Then I walk away, come back and re-state my request and prompt the appropriate response if needed.

 

If my ds says something rude (not usual with him, that's more his younger brother's challenge), I don't take it personally, at least outwardly. It's a teaching opportunity, a time for him to learn that our words affect others. I'll matter-of-factly say something like, "That hurt my feelings when I made you something special and you were rude to me. Unkind thoughts are best kept to ourselves. A simple thank you lets others know that we appreciate the thought. That helps us form a habit of kindness." And then I let it go.

 

I also talk a lot about choosing our attitudes. He's got to do school. He has to do chores. He has to treat the people around him respectfully. He can live his life whining and complaining about it, or he can choose to do his best to enjoy the challenges life offers--which choice feels better at the end of the day?

 

I do see in my 8 y.o. a lot of independence and desire to make his own choices, so maybe that's just a developmental leap they're making right now. Finding ways to honor and guide that desire appropriately helps. He really needs a positive first reaction from me, even in a negative situation, to help point the way to where he's going. Not necessarily praise for negative behavior, but calm and collected and focused on what I need to teach rather than what he's done wrong.

 

After re-reading my post, I want to add that I am speaking to myself too, sort of. I certainly don't have this down pat. We had a very similar math lesson yesterday with tears (his) and frustration (mine). I even said crabbily, "There is no crying in math!" We got through it and we still love each other (lol) and I remembered that the more frustrated I get the more emotional he gets. My challenge as a mom is to stay calm and remember that my job is to guide him, not jump into the pool with him. :)

 

Cat

[lionfamily1999]

Ds and I go through this. I tell him how it makes him appear to others, how others feel about saturnine people. Then we talk about how he can change his behavior. It hurts us both to discuss how his negativity can impact his life, he's very sensitive and I hate to hurt his feelings, but it's better than dragging an ill-mannered grump with me, or the possible consequences of his attitude.

[Grace]

My boy started acting up like this around age 8. He is now almost 11, and still will behave like this sometimes. I think it is a bit of trying to be independent, but still needing mommy, so being frustrated with himself. Which he takes out on me. Whenever he gets this way I try to spend some one on one time with him, and have daddy do the same. This seems to do the trick, but, if not, he may lose a privilege if he doesn't shape up. This does the trick. Others may have more insight than I, but this has been my experience.

 

Thank you for your response. I think it may be him trying to be more independent. I am not sure he will live to see 11 if he continues though!! LOL!

[Grace]

My oldest son started acting like that when he was 8 (the other three were a little older). Our reaction to this behavior is double the praise, double the discipline. Also, at this point I stopped doing most of his punishment and left that to dh. I kept a chart and made a mark each time he was rude or disrepectful and dh dealt with him accordingly each evening. It was more of a load on my dh, but at that age he received it better from his dad.

 

 

I like to have dh help with the punishment. My dh gets to be the "fun parent" and I am always the one dishing out the chores, the punishments, and the school work. I think having dh have a heart-to-heart with him may help. Thanks.

[Grace]

My challenge as a mom is to stay calm and remember that my job is to guide him, not jump into the pool with him. :)

 

Cat

 

Cat,

 

WOW! This quote hit home! I need to make a sign that says "Don't jump in the pool!" as a reminder to me!! My kids will be puzzled by what it means!

 

Great advice. Guiding him with a correct response is much more productive than what I have been doing.

 

katemary and Cheryl also mentioned about taking his attitude personally. I guess that is what I am doing. Especially after I re-read my first post. I said alot of "I was going to get him cleats" and "I made him a special breakfast".

 

Thanks everyone for your eye-opening responses. It is also nice to hear that we are not the only ones who have gone through this at this age! And it sounds like you all came through stronger than you were.

 

Thanks again.

[SapphireStitch]

My son will be 8 in 6 months...after reading this thread I'm rather dreading that birthday! :glare:

 

This isn't my personal experience, but just to add to what others have said about making sure dad is involved... My friend has a son who is now 10, and I remember her telling me a couple of years ago that she was having trouble with him being disrespectful and ungrateful with her. She told her husband about it, and he took the boy aside and told him calmly but firmly "You will not treat MY WIFE this way!"

 

Apparently the combination of being calm and loving, while establishing boundaries and treating it as a man-to-man discussion (saying "my wife" instead of "your mom") made a big impression on their son. I told Dh about this and asked him to keep it in mind in case we face a similar scenario!