Feeling disconnected from my family.

[Daisy]

I live 3,000 miles away from ANY family.

 

What I don't understand or maybe I'm just beginning to really notice is a disconnect from my family.

 

They don't contact me much. My Mom used to email daily and now it's more like once a week or once every other week and just a quick update on what she is doing.

 

No phone calls from brother, sister, Mom, or Dad.

 

No emails from anyone else.

 

No visiting my blog, although they had said they wanted me to continue blogging.

 

They visit and comment on my brother's blog regularly, but not mine. Maybe because they live closer to each other? (Sounds petty and jealous but really I just don't know how to "get" on their radar.)

 

Other things like, I don't find out my BIL is in the hospital until he is getting out. I don't find out my brother and SIL were separated until they get back together 6 MONTHS later (been a while now). My Mom doesn't tell me that my Dad went back into part-time ministry by taking a small church pastorate until months later. Nobody tells me anything.

 

I'm wondering what the deal is?? I'm not the type to "need" much notice. I'm not needy & clingy by nature. So for a long time I've just assumed they were busy, going through stuff, etc. I guess I'm feeling a tad bit immature today.

 

Should I "force" myself on them a bit more? Should I start calling every week? I write my parents a monthly letter (with money), but maybe I need to do somethine else? How would you go about "re-connecting" with long distance relatives?

[Jean in Newcastle]

I call my elderly parents every Monday morning. Some Mondays we have really nice talks. Some not so much. But it keeps us connected.

 

I call my eldest sister who has a lot in common with me - interests, values and general outlook on life. She now calls me too.

 

I do not call my middle sister who at age 55 still has strong feelings of sibling rivalry towards me. Life is too short.

 

I call my brother with whom I have a lot in common but who doesn't talk much once or twice a year. He visits once or twice a year. But that's enough for us because when we do connect we really connect well and I feel blessed by it.

 

I call my other brother who does not have as much in common with me other than a love for books more but that's mainly because he's not long distance. We have nice conversations by avoiding talking about anything "controversial".

 

I've made my real "family" - my immediate family (husband, and children) and those wonderful friends who share so much with us in like-minded-ness.

[Denisemomof4]

Distance shouldn't matter. My Aunt has always lived far away from me. I grew up in CA and now live in NH, she's always been in IL. I used to call her once per week but since Dad died I now check in on her several times per week. She's always been a very important part of my life.

 

Have you shared with anyone how you feel out of the loop when nobody tells you what's going on? Were you close to your family before you left? Perhaps you're sad that your family isn't near and Christmas is around the corner?

 

If you're missing that connection, make the effort to keep it alive. Perhaps send your siblings a card/note and tell them you're sorry you haven't been in touch, update them on what's going on in your life, and ask them to keep in contact with you. Let them all know you miss them and miss hearing from them.

 

HTH

Denise

[Harriet Vane]

I find that more time passes than I would like and I end up more out of touch with people I love than I would like to be.

 

The answer is to schedule it, to make it a routine.

 

Tell your mom that you are saddened by how out of touch you are with her. Don't make it accusatory. Ask her if you can have a weekly phone date.

 

Ditto for others.

 

Then make it happen. Take the initiative to call.

 

I have found that people don't always respond well to accusations and disapproval when it comes to something like this. Instead, be the friend that you wish they would be. Take the initiative to call, to write, to get the ball rolling. They are probably not leaving you out of anything intentionally and would be happy to hear from you.

[Peela]

I have a similar distance but I very much distance myself from the family for many years.

I keep in contact through emails now, mostly.

Sometimes I wish my brother would make more contact. He is always too busy. I am lucky to speak to him once a year. If I send presents, its like sending off to a black hole- you never hear anything back, even whether they received them. But they are like that with everyone. I accept it.

I do feel loved though by them all.

I have a grandmother i have been close to in a nursing home now with Alzheimers. I love her but I dread phoning her- she is deaf, and not an easy woman to communicate with at the best of times. So I don't contact her- but I do think of her every day. So i know that no contact doesnt necessarily mean no love.

 

I think the only way to bridge a gap like that is to make the effort yourself to be interested in them, to make the phonecalls. Dont wait for them to do it. People's lives get so busy.