Making friends -- would you be shy or brave?

[Drama Llama]

3 hours ago, Emba said:

So I have had the same trouble meeting the parents of my kids ‘ friends, even since elementary school. And honestly, the only reason I’ve made friends with other parents/adults is that I’m willing to be brave and introduce myself and try to strike up conversation.  But it is hard for me, and i talk to a lot more people than I end up becoming friends with. Really it works best when the other person is also looking for friends.

 And sometimes it means that you will have to carry the burden of the friendship for awhile, being the one to call or text first, the one to suggest meet ups, etc. And I’m willing to do that for awhile but eventually if I’m the only one making an effort I’ll decide it isn’t meant to be that we’re actual friends, and we’ll be  just friendly acquaintances, and I stop making the efforts, and that’s okay.

All I need is friendly acquaintances.  I'm willing to be brave and introduce myself.  But I can't introduce myself to someone that I've never seen.  In this case, I am reasonably confident that there were parents in those cars, because when asked "where are your parents?" (I assume), that's where the kids pointed, but at the distance where I was parked, I couldn't have told you whether there were humans in those cars.  I had assumed they were empty parked cars until the kids pointed.  And that's the closest I've been to a situation where I could strike up a conversation since before school started when I went to a used clothing sale that they had.  At that point, though I saw some other parents, I had no idea which ones were kids my kids would be friends with. 

I feel like I can't call, or text, or suggest a meet up, or ask a question, without first introducing myself.  

[Drama Llama]

1 hour ago, KungFuPanda said:

I love meeting people and I’ve always been more social than most. What you’re suggesting is socially awkward. Think of the vehicle as an extension of a home. It’s an odd plan. The car is ‘base’ for moms and you’ll confuse them.
 

Meeting people right now is so much harder so you are definitely at a disadvantage. With kids getting older, it might be time to change your strategy. Making friends of your children’s friends’ parents has a shelf life that dwindles as they approach high school. It’s good to diversify that friend portfolio and meet people who are not connected to your children. Do you have any personal interests? Does your library host online book clubs? Do you have a local nature center doing guided hikes?  Outdoor yoga?  You want to gradually invest in people who won’t disappear when your kid changes activities or graduates. 

I'm not looking to make lifelong BFF's.  I'm looking to have the number in my cellphone of someone I know well enough to be able to ask or answer a texted question like "So, are they wearing dress shoes to this concert, or are sneakers OK?"  or "Do you know whether we're packing lunch for the field trip?"  

I'm also looking to have met people so that when the rumor mill spins about my husband, they can think "Well, the mom seems nice" or something like that.  

[Jean in Newcastle]

This isn't the season (literally) for striking up those kinds of conversations at the playground/basketball court.  Unless it's inside.  In the spring you will have more opportunities. 

I smile and wave and make small talk at the grocery store.  And the library.  And on walks in the neighborhood.  And while waiting for coffee at Starbucks.  Some of those people I see in other situations - like a school.  So I smile and wave and make small talk there too.  It takes time. 

If you have the Nextdoor app in your neighborhood you can ignore some of the stupider interactions there (like the arguments in my neighborhood on whether someone saw a cougar or a bobcat!) and can ask some generic questions.  I haven't seem many questions about school activities but I believe that there are some groups specifically for the local schools.  (I just don't belong to those.) 

[SKL]

Also, for high school level activities, it is likely someone has set up a group app thingy where you can touch base about things like, what is the dress code for Friday's concert, do we need to pack a lunch, and every other question you can imagine.

Those groups also have boosters meetings and such where you can make acquaintances if you like.  Also fundraisers like car washes and food sales, and all sorts of other in-person volunteer opportunities with people you'll meet repeatedly.

I think you said your son was going to be in high school band.  Most likely you'll make lots of connections that way.

If he's starting high school this fall, get an early start finding out what the band is doing over the summer.  If they're like my school, they will have "band camp," parades, etc.  Also, our band parents are already starting the meetings and fundraisers right now.  So maybe look up the program and reach out.

[Drama Llama]

3 hours ago, SKL said:

Also, for high school level activities, it is likely someone has set up a group app thingy where you can touch base about things like, what is the dress code for Friday's concert, do we need to pack a lunch, and every other question you can imagine.

Those groups also have boosters meetings and such where you can make acquaintances if you like.  Also fundraisers like car washes and food sales, and all sorts of other in-person volunteer opportunities with people you'll meet repeatedly.

I think you said your son was going to be in high school band.  Most likely you'll make lots of connections that way.

If he's starting high school this fall, get an early start finding out what the band is doing over the summer.  If they're like my school, they will have "band camp," parades, etc.  Also, our band parents are already starting the meetings and fundraisers right now.  So maybe look up the program and reach out.

I think someone has probably set up a group app thingy for 8th grade too, but I'm not on it because I don't know anyone to ask.  

None of the things you mention-- boosters, etc . .  are happening.  I'm unclear whether they aren't happening due to covid, or they aren't happening because it's a private school for rich people (and people who get help with tuition, like us) and rich people don't fundraise the same way?

This is at his private school.  Right now, watching the public schools fumble covid, I am tempted to stay there. They don't have marching band, they have a jazz band but I don't know that it has things like band camp.  It's course registration right now, and I feel as though if I knew people I'd be reaching out to ask questions about things like that.  

3 hours ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

This isn't the season (literally) for striking up those kinds of conversations at the playground/basketball court.  Unless it's inside.  In the spring you will have more opportunities. 

I smile and wave and make small talk at the grocery store.  And the library.  And on walks in the neighborhood.  And while waiting for coffee at Starbucks.  Some of those people I see in other situations - like a school.  So I smile and wave and make small talk there too.  It takes time. 

If you have the Nextdoor app in your neighborhood you can ignore some of the stupider interactions there (like the arguments in my neighborhood on whether someone saw a cougar or a bobcat!) and can ask some generic questions.  I haven't seem many questions about school activities but I believe that there are some groups specifically for the local schools.  (I just don't belong to those.) 

 They've been there since the beginning of September.  There's been one pick up game on the playground, I assume because the little kids weren't out because it was so cold, combined with things being cancelled due to covid.  I feel as though, since there were zero opportunities in the fall, there's no guarantee spring will be different. 

It's not a neighborhood school.   We live about half an hour away, and the vast majority of families seem to live in the opposite direction. So, I'm not going to run into someone whose kids go there at the grocery store, or the library, even if we were going those places during covid.  My younger kid plays a sport with someone who goes to the school, but that's only because he plays far from our neighborhood for covid related reasons.  

[SKL]

30 minutes ago, Baseballandhockey said:

I think someone has probably set up a group app thingy for 8th grade too, but I'm not on it because I don't know anyone to ask.  

None of the things you mention-- boosters, etc . .  are happening.  I'm unclear whether they aren't happening due to covid, or they aren't happening because it's a private school for rich people (and people who get help with tuition, like us) and rich people don't fundraise the same way?

This is at his private school.  Right now, watching the public schools fumble covid, I am tempted to stay there. They don't have marching band, they have a jazz band but I don't know that it has things like band camp.  It's course registration right now, and I feel as though if I knew people I'd be reaching out to ask questions about things like that.  

Yeah, we missed some things our first summer because we didn’t know to ask.  If I had t to do over, I would ask the guidance counselor or find the emails of the band director and coaches on the school website.  Somebody somewhere has a calendar or will soon.  Also see if the school has a Facebook page; the band might also have one.  I follow those pages.  Sometimes this saves me from missing things.

[Emba]

8 hours ago, Baseballandhockey said:

 

I feel like I can't call, or text, or suggest a meet up, or ask a question, without first introducing myself.  

Since it’s so hard to meet in person now, I think people might be understanding of a text beginning “Hi, I’m ______’s mom, I was wondering if. . .”

i don’t know if it would be best to stay up with suggestions a parent-only meetup, but to ask a question or suggest a kid-centered activity (which would allow you to also become at least a little better acquainted with the parent), I think it would be fine. I’ve definitely exchanged texts with parents relating to my kids going to their house, or going to a birthday party, or whatever, before I’ve actually met them. But usually I tell my kid to get the parents number from the kid, and have their friend tell the pretty what’s up, so it’s not completely out of the blue.

 This might require lots of thought as to what’s an acceptable activity during this time of Covid, but it may be your best chance with few in-person group chances to meet people.

[katilac]

6 hours ago, Baseballandhockey said:

I think someone has probably set up a group app thingy for 8th grade too, but I'm not on it because I don't know anyone to ask.  

None of the things you mention-- boosters, etc . .  are happening.  I'm unclear whether they aren't happening due to covid, or they aren't happening because it's a private school for rich people (and people who get help with tuition, like us) and rich people don't fundraise the same way?

This is at his private school.  Right now, watching the public schools fumble covid, I am tempted to stay there. They don't have marching band, they have a jazz band but I don't know that it has things like band camp.  It's course registration right now, and I feel as though if I knew people I'd be reaching out to ask questions about things like that.  

Why not ask staff about this? Just tell them you want to know about sources for official information, such as camps  and registration, and also anything like group apps by grade, social media, and so forth. 

For things like course registration, I'd want to talk directly to the counselor/school anyway.