JennifersLost Posted December 9, 2008 Share Posted December 9, 2008 This is a bear of a sentence (see below). Is the "dash" right? Or would you use something else. Don't tell me to break it into two sentences - it has to be one.... She expected the ragged skeletons that thundered through the orchard on their will o' the wisp chargers, expected the slow parade of wraith-like ladies with their gossamer hair and butterfly wings, expected even the raven with the broken tail-feather that flew among them, darting and swooping through their insubstantial forms to send them whisking skyward like so much smoke, but the heavy hand on her shoulder, the warm breath tickling her ear and the soft, masculine voice whispering, “Jane,†– these were the trappings of nightmares, the first indication that her life was about to change for the worse. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tarheel Heather Posted December 9, 2008 Share Posted December 9, 2008 A semi colon? Since both statements could stand alone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tutor Posted December 9, 2008 Share Posted December 9, 2008 This is a bear of a sentence (see below). Is the "dash" right? Or would you use something else. Don't tell me to break it into two sentences - it has to be one.... She expected the ragged skeletons that thundered through the orchard on their will o' the wisp chargers, expected the slow parade of wraith-like ladies with their gossamer hair and butterfly wings, expected even the raven with the broken tail-feather that flew among them, darting and swooping through their insubstantial forms to send them whisking skyward like so much smoke, but the heavy hand on her shoulder, the warm breath tickling her ear and the soft, masculine voice whispering, “Jane,†– these were the trappings of nightmares, the first indication that her life was about to change for the worse. I think just a comma or as you have it with the dash if you want to emphasize the pause. I don't think a semicolon would work because everything from the word "but" through the word "Jane" is a subject series*, summarized by the "these" in the second half of the sentence, in need of a verb. *I totally made up the phrase "subject series" btw; I just have no idea what else to call it :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melissel Posted December 9, 2008 Share Posted December 9, 2008 There's no need for the comma and the dash. I would just use the em dash and keep all the rest. ...whispering “Jane”—these... Or could you eliminate the name? ...whispering her name—these... ETA: Did you write that? Wow! It gave me a chill. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JennifersLost Posted December 9, 2008 Author Share Posted December 9, 2008 I just wrote it for a contest. I have no story to go with it. I'm flying by the seat of my pants. For right now all I need is the first line. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tree House Academy Posted December 9, 2008 Share Posted December 9, 2008 I think the dash works okay, but really, if I were writing it, I would try to trim it down a bit and separate it. It gets a bit wordy, in my humble opinion. I have definitely read long sentences that "work" but this one just has a whole lot of description and trails that make it seem a bit busy and hard to follow. Of course, if I was reading the rest of the book/story, then it may not seem this way so much. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tarheel Heather Posted December 9, 2008 Share Posted December 9, 2008 I just wrote it for a contest. I have no story to go with it. I'm flying by the seat of my pants. For right now all I need is the first line. It's a great opener. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JennifersLost Posted December 9, 2008 Author Share Posted December 9, 2008 What if I did it like this? She expected the ragged skeletons that thundered through the orchard on their will o' the wisp chargers, expected the slow parade of wraith-like ladies with their gossamer hair and butterfly wings, expected even the raven with the broken tail-feather that flew among them, darting and swooping through their insubstantial forms to send them whisking skyward like so much smoke, but the heavy hand on her shoulder, the warm breath tickling her ear and the soft, masculine voice whispering Jane – these were the trappings of nightmares, the first indication that her life was about to change for the worse. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melissel Posted December 9, 2008 Share Posted December 9, 2008 What if I did it like this? She expected the ragged skeletons that thundered through the orchard on their will o' the wisp chargers, expected the slow parade of wraith-like ladies with their gossamer hair and butterfly wings, expected even the raven with the broken tail-feather that flew among them, darting and swooping through their insubstantial forms to send them whisking skyward like so much smoke, but the heavy hand on her shoulder, the warm breath tickling her ear and the soft, masculine voice whispering Jane – these were the trappings of nightmares, the first indication that her life was about to change for the worse. Given a vote, I'd go with the quotes (no commas) and the dash. I don't have my copy of Chicago here with me or I could do some research for you, sorry! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardening momma Posted December 9, 2008 Share Posted December 9, 2008 I like Jane in italics, with the dash, no comma. Put a space (no hyphen) in tail feather. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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