Estate Planning and Settlement Help

[CamperMom]

Hi Everyone,

Will you please share some ideas on helping to make estate planning and eventual settlement go smoothly for my elderly mom and her will/trust?  She is still living.  I am the executor.  Quarreling and hurt feelings are already happening amongst siblings.  It is hurting my mom and the rest of us.  Are there professionals that can help us smooth this out, in addition to the attorney?

All ideas are welcome!  Thank you.

 

Edited March 10, 2021 by CamperMom

[Carol in Cal.]

It depends on the specifics.

For instance, if the quarreling is between those who think things should be equally divided, and those who think that that’s not equitable, someone needs to work through what your mom actually believes with her so she can make her wishes clear, and then get everyone to stop talking with her about it.

If it’s over personal belongings of sentimental value, she can start doing lifetime gifting, or you as executor can publish a list of what your process will be (with your mother’s consent), or everyone can have a first choice item and then second, etc. when the time comes.

[CamperMom]

Thank you, Carol, for these really helpful ideas.

[fairfarmhand]

For my dh and his brothers, they started with the premise that the estate would be equallly divided. Whatever it ends up being.

as they sorted through the house and discovered heirlooms and keepsakes, they had bidding session. They’d basically bid cash from their portion of the estate and keep a tally of what they’d “spent”.

so if the estate were to come to 210K, all three boys start with 70k. 
If my dh perhaps bid away 20k of his portion, then 10k would go to each of his brothers from his 70k, so he’d walk away with 50k and the brothers each would have 80k

some things don’t matter. They bid on the things that were important to them. Old family papers, jewelry, her car, etc. stuff like household items are basically going to whoever wants them (nobody really does.) 

 

Edited March 11, 2021 by fairfarmhand

[Annie G]

2 hours ago, Carol in Cal. said:

 

If it’s over personal belongings of sentimental value, she can start doing lifetime gifting, or you as executor can publish a list of what your process will be (with your mother’s consent), or everyone can have a first choice item and then second, etc. when the time comes.

This is a really good idea.  Dh’s folks passed away and his sister was executor. The will said divide things evenly. She got to pick what she wanted and dh got whatever she said he could have. For instance she took all the family photos, even the childhood photo albums her mom had put together. Items his dad said he could have? She said she wanted some of those things so too bad for dh.  Their relationship is splintered because of it.   So yes, talking about this ahead of time and writing it down sounds like a good way to start. 
I am one of four siblings, and when Mom was alive she made it clear things will be split evenly. But she’s been gone for a decade and Dad has decided my sister and brother should get almost everything. Honestly, knowing that now is a lot better than finding out after he’s gone. I can be mad at HIM and not my siblings.