how do you accept having out-of-the box kids

[caedmyn]

On 10/21/2020 at 5:43 PM, Medicmom2.0 said:

I am also a believer, and I believe God sometimes knows things about ourselves that we don’t know.

But I also think some things are just random and genetics sometimes sucks. DH comes from a family of apparent genetic perfection. No known inheritable diseases; no mental illness as far as they can trace, not even any neurodiversity.  And he knows his second and third cousins.

Then he married me, with a family filled with autism, depression, anxiety, diabetes and sucky forms of Ehlers-Danlos.    And we have a child with autism, labeled gifted, and who has a diagnosed conduct disorder and probable general anxiety disorder.  We have another child with global development disorder and borderline IQ.  And yet another child who is profoundly gifted with an IQ of 152 and anxiety. I’ve been fighting the deepest depression and anxiety I’ve ever dealt with for the last five months, and he has no idea what to do because he’s never seen any of this in his family of origin or close friends.  
DH is generally completely overwhelmed with this family we’ve made.   I know he really struggles with handling any of this, because it is so far removed from his brain and that of his genetically perfect family(I’m not being snarky; they just really don’t have problems like these).

My personal belief is that genetics are screwy and a result of the world we live in.  I don’t personally believe that God handpicks us difficult kids or decides to throw mental illness in us, but I do believe He is there and walks beside us during the hardest times.  Does that make any sense?  I believe things are random, but I also believe God is there to help and guide when things are dark.

Now that you mention this, I think part of the reason I have so much trouble accepting this is because my family didn't have any of these issues.  I think my dad fits the criteria for adult ADHD, and he's a poor speller (though reads well) so maybe the dyslexia comes from him too, but it all skipped me and my siblings.  I have not been able to find anyone in either my extended family or DH's who is or appears to be dyslexic.  DH's family doesn't appear to have issues with ADHD either.  I was a fairly compliant, highly self-motivated kid with good executive function, so having all these kids who are nothing like me, and nothing like the kids I thought I would have...it's hard to take in.

Edited October 23, 2020 by caedmyn

[caedmyn]

On 10/20/2020 at 9:47 PM, Paige said:

It's hard for all of us. I know our life and activities will not and have not been like a lot of people's. I can't try to keep up with the Jones. I can only keep up what I can keep up and I know it will be ok. We'll sort it out. Things are hard and it seems other people have it easier. I'm really pretty sure that a lot of other people really, honestly, do have it easier when it comes to kids. My parents and in laws had a cake walk! My brother and I, in retrospect, were amazingly easy kids! I have it easier than many in some other ways that are important as well. I try to focus on that. 

 

 

I am absolutely positive that some/many kids are far easier than mine.  My mom has told me multiple times that my siblings and I were a lot easier than my kids (and she's not saying this in a mean-spirited way at all).  I have a friend with 5 kids in a similar age range to mine.  I don't think it'd be an exaggeration to say that I put about 3x more effort into parenting than she does...it's the difference between a bunch of really laid-back NT kids, and a bunch of non-NT kids with intense temperments.

Edited October 26, 2020 by caedmyn

[kbutton]

There is something to having friends whose kids are difficult too. It can really help.

[bethben]

I have a very disabled child (low mental age/wheelchair), a child with mild autism, a very typical child, and an adopted child with adoption related mental issues.  It’s hard hard hard.  Dh and I are exhausted.  We do just look at the day in front of us.  People used to ask me what we would do with ds when he turned 18.  We didn’t know then and couldn’t figure something like that out so far in advance.  He’s 21 now.  God hasn’t shown us yet what his life will be or who will care for him when we can’t.  We only have today.  
 

One thing that has helped us is getting away for weekends.  We just need time where we can jut be people—not just parents.

[carryYandale]

On 10/22/2020 at 10:48 PM, caedmyn said:

I have health issues also, which makes things extra hard.  Sometimes I think I could probably handle the kids if only I could function normally myself.

You are 100% right. If you feel good and positive your child will feel the same way, if you feel bad it's hard for you to function normally so you won't be able to take care of your child. I think that parents with special kids need to take care of their own health and counseling with professionals to keep their mental health in check. In my opinion, this is the only way you'll be able to take good care of your child.