Deleted

[Catwoman]

7 minutes ago, kbutton said:

I feel like both scenarios you are advocating are forced. Both the idea that someone HAS to pay someone a compliment, so it's okay to sincerely say something you don't mean and the idea that any kind of playdate to see if a friendship could develop means that it has to be long-term and based on a insincerity. 

I feel like your forcing a dichotomy in both cases that doesn't have to exist. Could it exist? Sure. Most people on here have warned about going too far either direction. 

The OP expressed concern about cliques. Many people have assumed that her daughter's take that the other girl is weird is the gospel truth vs. an impression that might be spot on or might just be influenced by the cliquish behavior. Others of us suggest trying out a relationship carefully.

It really doesn't have to be false. Plenty of people don't like someone or something at first, and then they are so happy they persisted. 

 

I’m really not sure why you won’t let this go, or why you are rehashing a post from several months ago. 

At no point have I ever said that anyone ever HAS to pay another person a compliment, sincere or not. I don’t know why you insist on obsessing about that. If you have a problem with occasionally paying someone a little compliment to brighten their day, and if you think it is beyond terrible to sometimes offhandedly tell a cashier who seems to be having a bad day that you like her earrings just to try to cheer her up a little, here’s an easy solution for you... Don’t do it. But don’t tell me not to do it. It’s none of your business, and we are not going to agree on this. And for crying out loud, stop trying to play gotcha with me because you think I’m some sort of hypocrite, because that situation and this situation are not at all related. 

You were the one who was suggesting that Calizzy’s dd tell a lie. I was the one who thought it would be terrible to put the dd in the position of having to pretend to like a kid she thinks is weird. You were the one who thought it was fine for Calizzy to force her dd to play with the other girl, and by doing so against her wishes when she doesn’t like the other girl, Calizzy’s dd would have no choice but to hide her true feelings for the other girl and pretend to like her. How is that lie okay? And it’s not even a one-time thing, because the play dates might be several times a week! And how can you justify making Calizzy’s dd pretend to be that girl’s friend, even if it’s only for a matter of weeks, if another person making one quick little offhand comment at the grocery store is so incredibly wrong? I’m sorry, but your argument makes no sense.

How can you possibly still be upset months later because I occasionally pay a tiny little false compliment to brighten someone’s day because you think it’s some sort of terrible lie, when you are perfectly fine with Calizzy’s dd being forced to tell a very big and potentially extremely hurtful lie (several times a week!) to the other girl, by pretending to be her friend when she actually doesn’t like her and thinks the girl is weird?

Have you even read the responses of the people who say they were like the other girl, and who have said how hurtful it would be to find out that the only reason another kid was playing with them was because the kid’s mom made them do it? 

Calizzy already deleted her posts to this thread, so I have no clue as to why you even bothered to harp on this. I’m sorry to be so harsh, but seriously, you’re rehashing an old and completely unrelated thread from months ago, and that’s just bizarre to me.

[Catwoman]

3 minutes ago, katilac said:

But they have tried it out, right? The neighbor has played with the group, and not clicked or not liked it for whatever reason. Then at least a few one-on-one play dates with the daughter in question. When do you call time? At this point, I think they need to work it out themselves. 

 

Yes, exactly!

Why should Calizzy’s dd have to pretend to like a kid she apparently has nothing in common with? It also seems cruel to the other kid, because eventually she’s going to find out that her “friendship” with Calizzy’s dd is all a big lie.

[kbutton]

20 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

I’m really not sure why you won’t let this go, or why you are rehashing a post from several months ago. 

You were the one who was suggesting that Calizzy’s dd tell a lie. I was the one who thought it would be terrible to put the dd in the position of having to pretend to like a kid she thinks is weird. You were the one who thought it was fine for Calizzy to force her dd to play with the other girl, and by doing so against her wishes when she doesn’t like the other girl, Calizzy’s dd would have no choice but to hide her true feelings for the other girl and pretend to like her. How is that lie okay? And it’s not even a one-time thing, because the play dates might be several times a week! And how can you justify making Calizzy’s dd pretend to be that girl’s friend, even if it’s only for a matter of weeks, if another person making one quick little offhand comment at the grocery store is so incredibly wrong? I’m sorry, but your argument makes no sense.

I replied because I was trying to explain my frustration earlier in nicer terms.

Regarding the bolded, no I did not. That is an extrapolation on what I said that does not actually have to be the case. I am sorry you can't envision a scenario where it wouldn't be. 

I am not going to engage in this further because I wasn't trying to exacerbate the disagreement but explain my overly irritable reaction to it. 

[Catwoman]

Just now, kbutton said:

I replied because I was trying to explain my frustration earlier in nicer terms.

Regarding the bolded, no I did not. That is an extrapolation on what I said that does not actually have to be the case. I am sorry you can't envision a scenario where it wouldn't be. 

I am not going to engage in this further because I wasn't trying to exacerbate the disagreement but explain my overly irritable reaction to it. 

 

I think we’re both being overly irritable. How about if we just forget the whole thing? I’m more than willing to let it go, and I promise to never compliment your earrings, even if I really do like them! 😉 

Also, Calizzy seems to have made her decision and ditched the thread, anyway, so we might as well do the same! 🙂 

[DawnM]

23 hours ago, kbutton said:

This assumes that the OP's daughter can't learn to communicate what is "odd," learn to appreciate differences, or perhaps just try something a couple more times before writing this girl off. The OP said there is cliquey behavior going on. Many of us are encouraging her to drop it if something can't be worked out reasonably soon. No one said, "fake it until you make it" or "pretend to be friends." 

I remember quite some time ago, you were in favor of ginning up a false compliment to make someone feel better ("I like your earrings" was it, I think) when you could just be friendly or say hello, etc. No compliment necessary. And you didn't understand why that bothered anyone. You are literally championing the exact opposite perspective now. 

I don't think it was ever meant as a false compliment, but rather a, "what is something positive I can say in this situation?" type of thing.    I do it every day at work.   I am currently on car rider line, taking temperatures of middle schoolers as they get dropped off.   A friendly, "What a cool mask!" or "I like your haircut" is not a false compliment at all.

And if you are wearing puppy earrings, I will like those too.   🤣    I actually get teased because everyone knows if there is a dog in the car, I will be a while!   I love dogs.