Teen ds's (long)

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[Deb in NZ]

Your posts are a breath of fresh air & really hit home with me. I have 3 dc & you have described life with my 2 ds clearly. Last week dh & I insisted that ds#1 attend a taster course at the local polytech on engineering. Ds#1 is aiming for an aprenticeship at 16yo, but has yet to settle on which trade. He attended a day on construction in April & enjoyed it, but as dh is a carpenter, ds needed to look at other trades as well. I reminded ds#1 on wednesday that he had polytech on thursday. He was not happy that we insisted he go. (This dc does not like to be put outside his comfort zone, while dd will eagerly take all opportunities offered). When I picked ds#1 up after his course, I could not get a word in edgewise. He loved the course, the tutor, the others who attended, etc. You'd never believe it was the same dc who insisted he was NOT going & nothing we did would change his mind. Life with boys is never easy or boring.

 

Blessings,

[Mad Jenny Flint]

This post doesn't mesh with my experience in any way. Nor do I agree with many of the points you are making. Although I do respect that your opinions come from your experience, I just wanted to point out that not everyone sees things the same way.

[Laurie4b]

I have a sister-in-law who had 4 girls. There used to be lots of nonverbal disapproval of our parenting our 4 boys, one of whom has sensory processing issues and ADHD. THEN she had two boys. They are more "wide open" than even my ADHD guy was. She kind of apologized once by saying that she used to wonder, "Why don't people control their children?" and then she had her boys. :)

 

I think that when people are talking about the rest thing, they might be referring to the increased need for sleep in teens. I experienced that, and see that in my ds's as well. Rest during the day though? No way. Desperate need for physical activity to wear them out? Oh yeah. We're considering converting to wood heat, and this reason is a contributing factor: a real reason to do heavy work.

 

My father grew up much like yours, though not leaving home. (He was on a farm.) My boys are in awe of his adventures, though several were near-death experiences.

[Merry]

but the boys do need lots of sleep at night. Anyway, my adult dd works with troubled children in a mental hospital and she noticed that a lot of them, the teen boys especially, are very frustrated. It seems almost as if they are being suffocated and pressed upon at school and at home so they bust out and get in trouble. I agree the boys need a lot of physical challenges and freedom to think and make sense of the world around them. There are so few outlets for them, only sports and maybe part time jobs that seem to be accepted by society. A ds went skateboarding for hours everyday when he was in his midteens. We let him go because he seemed to need it. He did outgrow it eventually. Another ds would race his car at night, (we didn't know until months afterwards). And so on with our boys. Boy Scouts had been wonderful for another ds. They seem to be the happier and more contented boys for their self imposed challenges. It was scary for us to let our boys go and do some of those things, knowing that they might get hurt and we might get criticism from other families but I think we did the right thing. The oldest is a happy father and husband and loves his job as a electrical lineman. Another ds is loving college and his major in art. And so it goes. And actually, raising the boys has been so much fun!

[lllll]

Thanks, ladies, for the replies. You all deserve some kind of medal for reading such a long post. I hope y'all have a wonderful holiday season and New Year. See you next year! :seeya: (They didn't seem to have any Christmas thingy's, but he's kinda cute.)

[Sophia]

I enjoyed your post, Kathy, especially part 2.

 

Thanks

[ereks mom]

I taught in private schools and public schools (at preschool, elementary, middle school, AND high school levels at one time or another), for several years before homeschooling, and I had just as many rambunctious girls in my classes as boys. I think that energy levels, etc. vary with the personality of the child, and do not necessarily depend on the sex of the child. In my own family, my ds (now 18) was, by far, my "easiest" child. He was much easier than my dd (now 14).

[Guest Katia]

My experiences with sons do not mesh with yours either.

 

I have a son. He was my first-born and is 5 years older than my next child, a daughter. When ds turned 8yo, I had another daughter.

 

This son was talking in complete sentences at 18mo old. He was also running (not walking as per your experience) but by 24mo he was very verbal and could reason with me or explain himself to me, therefore we had no big communication or discipline problems. He has always been sweet, quiet and inquisitive. Oh, he had/has energy and would run and play, but not loud and boisterous or rough.

 

My experience with dd's is pretty much the same as yours. Since mine were so much younger than ds, when I took them to dance or music lessons, many people were unaware that I even had a son. I saw many boy behaviours similar to those you mention in your post, and many people thought *I* was the mom with only daughters that didn't understand boys.

 

However, what I saw was the attitude that "boys will be boys" and they were allowed to act that way. No discipline or correction. It was just considered "boy" behaviour and us poor mom's with only girls were expected to "get over it".

 

What they didn't realize was that I *did* have a boy and that he didn't act that way. Ever. When these mom's realized that I had a son, they were always surprised and then shocked when he would come to recitals and help me so much with the girls: he would carry things, help to entertain one (quietly I might add) while I was helping to dress the other, he would talk nicely to me and to the other mom's and even help with the other kids.

 

He is 24yo now. Homeschooled from 5th grade through high school, and then graduated college this spring. He has his own place and his own job/work, but we see him almost every weekend and he is still a wonderful, helpful boy.

 

So, did I get the 'odd' boy in terms of behaviour? I don't think so. I think every child/person is unique in their personality and behaviour and that sex really doesn't have anything to do with it. Girls can act every bit the way you described boys acting. I have seen it many, many times. I *do* think that because boys have so much testosterone that adults use that as an excuse for bad behaviour.

[cathmom]

I appreciate you sharing your thoughts!

 

However, I do agree with some of the other moms that my experience does not match yours. I remember when my oldest son was a toddler we were at a shoe store. I had just read that boys would range further from their mothers without checking back but that girls stayed closer. Well, there was a little girl there the same age as my son and it was the exact opposite. My son stayed near me and the little girl was all over the place. My second dc was a girl and she was much more of a handful than ds had ever been. My now 5 yo boy will sit and do schoolwork for 45 min to an hour before he gets tired. Currently I have four boys 5 and under and so far they behave very well.

[Mama Lynx]

I have four sons.

 

Some are "easy" (highly verbal, easily obedient, etc.) and some are "difficult." Of course temperament and energy level varies by child, and of course there are rambunctious girls. For the first 10 years that I had kids, their only friends were girls. Some of those girls certainly matched my boys in exuberance and physical play!

 

However, I have certainly had the same experiences in public as you describe. I have certainly, over the years, encountered those comments and looks, especially from mothers who did not have boys. Or from mothers who had, say, one girl and one boy, and could not fathom why my house was noisy, except that I must not be good at keeping them in line. I have also definitely experienced a societal push for boys to act more like girls.

 

And I have responded by making sure mine can be boys. They dig, they run, they climb, they yell. I keep them in Scouts, so they have plenty of physical outdoor time.

 

I enjoyed your post.

[dymphna57]

I am going to preface this with the information that after I had two girls I preceded to have three boys finishing with two girls.

I have to say I agree with Kathy's premise that boys especially seem to respond favorably to more excercise. I would add that they seem to visibly grow when they are given male gendered responsibility. IOW, don't expect them to babysit and expect them to serve meals and clean up.

I remember being horrified at boys behavior compared to my sweet little girl but my second little girl was just as capable of causing havoc. So, although I agree that girls require a lot and can be just as energy overcharged, boys are a different creature in my mind anyway. I say that because I want to be able to be flexible and not expect small motor behaviour in large motor skill aficianados.

I remember telling someone who insisted that boys can't behave, that I would just keep them home then until they could. I did too. I meant what I said as I was pretty sure that was all they would listen to, they knew if I was only half serious . Some one else said that after raising boys there home was in shambles. I thought that they had missed a great opportunity to have their home in perfect condition by training the boys in carpentry, plastering and other home repairs.

I love my boys! I love my girls! I know it is easy to treat them unequally and I think it is unequal not to treat EACH CHILD indivigually. If you just go with that you will come out okay.

[LBC]

I also fall into the category of, "this doesn't quite mesh with my experience". I have found that the temperaments of my dc differ based more on whether they take after dh, or me. In our family, I am the one who is more aggressive, more proactive, more moody, etc. My dh is as solid as a rock, and very non proactive. I have a boy and a girl who take after my dh, and a boy and a girl who take after me. The dc who take after my dh are a breeze to parent, and the two who inherited my personality are very high maintenance. That said, I don't tend to favor any of my dc. I sometimes feel exasperated with the two who are like me, but I understand them, and can really enjoy the "up" side of how they are. The other two are such peacemakers, and are so relational. I often make a point of reminding the "easy" children that they are permitted to mess up once in a while, just to make sure they don't feel too much pressure to always be the good kids. :001_smile:

 

Thanks for taking the time to post this. I love learning from those who have gone before me, and as a woman who has no brothers, it's great to be reminded that boys are supposed to be wired differently than girls.

 

Lori

[Retired]

2 boys

 

15 yo gifted in language from young age, very responsible never broke anything, very mature from a early age. He does need physical activity to help concentrate. He is irritable without lots of sleep.

 

11 yo was totally opposite he spoke late, he touches everything and has broke so many things. He can be irresponsible and loud. The house is quiet when he is gone.

 

The boys do not fight. I believe this has to do with the oldest being a more sensitive and gentle boy.

 

The boys both do need lots of physical activity. When I started home schooling I expected them to sit for long lessons similar to school. I found out how much they tuned out there teacher in traditional school and both would bit there nails or whatever physical release they could find to endure there school day.

 

I do require them to have desk time of a couple of hours because the world expects it but they are allowed to ride bikes between assignments.

 

They are always cleaning our fence line or working on the barn. They see school work or seat work as something they endure. They learn so much better after a hour of hard work. There day always starts with work or a 4 mile hike.

 

Then they are able to concentrate and do there best academic work

[ereks mom]

I have a son. He was my first-born and is 5 years older than my next child, a daughter.

 

My ds ER is 4 years & 3 months older than my dd EK.

 

This son was talking in complete sentences at 18mo old. He was also running (not walking as per your experience) but by 24mo he was very verbal and could reason with me or explain himself to me, therefore we had no big communication or discipline problems. He has always been sweet, quiet and inquisitive. Oh, he had/has energy and would run and play, but not loud and boisterous or rough.

 

Same here. :)

 

However, what I saw was the attitude that "boys will be boys" and they were allowed to act that way. ...I *do* think that ...adults use that as an excuse for bad behaviour.

 

Yes, I saw that attitude from other moms of boys too, and I agree with your assessment.

[Lisa R.]

I think that, for the most, part, I'd agree with your generalizations. Of course, there are passive boys and active boys, but that is not typically what I see.

 

Again, these are generalizations that proved true for her family. Just because there are exceptions to this does not means that these stereotypes don't have validity.

 

What I took away from this post:

 

We need to check ourselves to make sure we're not inadvertently showing favorites with our kids. I would guess that most people that show favoritism would deny doing it.

 

Boys, particularly teen boys, need a strong male presence in their life. A strong, present father or father-figure can make these potentially rocky years much smoother.

 

Boys need lots of physical activity.

 

Boys can be more of a challenge to teach than girls. (Again, a generalization.)

 

I agreed with most of your assertions. Thanks for taking the time to write.