Please pray for my sons and a vent

[scholastica]

8 minutes ago, Teaching3bears said:

We do but they deal mostly with elderly, and have no experience with nonverbal kids with behavior problems.

I am hoping for better health and better sleep too.

Is there any way your family could relocate to somewhere with better supports for your family’s needs? Moving is hard,  but this is unsustainable for all of you. You, your dh and your marriage are being sacrificed on the altar of your location. If at all possible, please research places your dh could be employed and your precious sons and your whole family could get the support you need. 

[Pen]

13 minutes ago, scholastica said:

Is there any way your family could relocate to somewhere with better supports for your family’s needs? Moving is hard,  but this is unsustainable for all of you. You, your dh and your marriage are being sacrificed on the altar of your location. If at all possible, please research places your dh could be employed and your precious sons and your whole family could get the support you need. 

 

I agree.  Especially because there doesn’t appear to be any clear end in sight.  A place that has better support sounds necessary for the long term.  

[Innisfree]

Said with love and concern, by a fellow mom of a kid with special needs:

I agree that it's time to think about the long term situation for your sons. Moving probably needs to be on the table.

What you're doing is not sustainable. It's clearly taking a huge toll on all of your family, and I worry that the strain and your deep desire to care for your sons might, understandably, be blinding you to just how unsustainable it is.

What will happen to your sons when you are eighty?

All the love and commitment in the world, which you clearly have, can't make this situation work forever. Truthfully, it isn't working now.

Since, at some point, you'll need to find a good situation for their future, can you start working toward that transition now?

Public schools are mandated to evaluate for special needs, and transition planning is part of the package. Kids are eligible for services through the year in which they turn 21. Isn't one of your sons 17? Reaching 21 is not that far off. So, beginning the process now will give you some time and support to consider options. You don't necessarily have to enroll them to get these services.

Given the level of support your sons need, other services are probably available as well. Are they on waiver lists? There's still probably more than that available.

The options you see may not look good, and you may be tempted to keep on trying to carry this whole load yourself. I would urge you not to do this.

At this stage you can still actively evaluate possibilities, including other areas which have better services. If you wait until you lose your own health, which could happen so easily under this level of stress, you may be left with fewer options.

Please put on your own oxygen mask so you can keep helping your boys and perhaps salvage a better quality of life for your youngest son and the rest of your family. This does not mean sacrificing your older sons. It means you can help them more while you are sane and healthy, so you need to care for yourself in order to care for them.

I can hear how much you love them, and I've dealt with hiring caregivers also. I know the pickings are sometimes very slim. But-- over the long term, the plan for your sons can't just be hiring daytime respite help, can it?

I understand your reluctance to entrust your sons' wellbeing to other people. The point is-- this can't be avoided forever. The sooner you start working toward plans for their adult lives, the better lives you can give them.

I hope you can hear this in the way I intend it. I am concerned for all of you.

Edited April 19, 2019 by Innisfree