Help figuring out elder care...

[mlktwins]

I am entering new territory here and am looking for info and/or advice on how others have handled setting up elder care for a parent?  My dad lives alone in my area.  We need to get him moved somewhere with one floor living that he can manage a little better, but in the meantime, I need to find care for him in the home.  Doesn't need to be 24 hour.  He will need some help with grocery shopping, doctors visits (I do plan to stay very involved in these, but help with PT would be great), self care, maybe helping him on his weight loss program/some exercise, laundry.  I am doing some of this now on my own, but can't do it all myself.  I will lose my mind and that won't be good for him, my family, or me.  I wish I could, but I know my limitations and raising twin 13 year olds while I'm going through menopause and taking full time care of my 83 year old dad will put me over the edge ?.  He can afford help.  I've already set him up with someone to clean his house and that has been in place for quite a few years.  I will also be the one (along with my DH) going through everything and getting him moved.

I have requested and received some ideas for help from my neighborhood facebook page to give me a start.  Just not sure how to proceed.  I don't want someone taking advantage of him either. 

  

[Toocrazy!!]

We're facing these issues right now too. I've had the best luck asking around to friends who have been in the same position. There are people who enjoy these jobs and do them well. 

I hope you find some help! 

[J-rap]

I (and so many people my age!) are in that same situation.  Both of my parents are still living, but they have both suddenly turned the corner at the same time and need a LOT of help.  I've been staying with them for over a month to help, but need to get back home (3 hours away) to my own family.  In our situation, we've worked out a temporary solution with the many relatives who live in the area.  However, I've heard that unless you go with an agency (which can be very expensive), word of mouth is best, if that's possible.  So, if you have a friend who uses a home aid that they really like, then that home aid might be able to recommend a friend, for example.  

Perhaps you could check with a senior community center in the area for ideas too.  They might have some names to recommend.

[mlktwins]

I'm so sorry I'm just now responding to this post!  Thanks and hugs to Toocrazy!! and J-rap!  This is so stressful!

After a lot of stress, worry, arguments, and tears in the last few weeks, I do have a positive update.  My aunt (my mom's sister) had to leave NC before the storm.  She came to stay with my dad not knowing the situation I was in with my dad.  Between the 2 of us, talking to his doctors, etc., I got him to look at some places and we found a wonderful senior apartment complex (not assisted living, which he was worried about) about 10-15 minutes from me.  His whole face lit up talking to all the residents and they have so many activities.  He is still mobile, but the stairs at his house are a huge worry to me and he is becoming more of a hermit.  He loved the model apartment and I started talking about getting him new more masculine bedding (he still has my mom's flowery stuff on his bed even though she has been gone a while now), etc.  He is resisting a little because of all his "stuff."  What's going to happen to all his "stuff."  Well, to the 50+ cleaned and neatly stacked used yogurt containers, those will be recycled -- LOL.  Yout get the picture!  I think he is worried about all mom's pretty things, etc.  Anyway, we are going to move him out in a couple of months (hopefully) with just the stuff he needs and really wants.  His tvs and computer are important to him.  Then I get the job of cleaning out everything else, getting the house ready for sale, and getting it sold in the spring.  That is overwhelming to me, but it will be easier with him not living there.  But...once that is done, I will be able to rest so much easier for anything that comes down the line.  The apartment is a rental and most of his things will be easier to go through.

Anyway, thanks again and big hugs for anyone here dealing with this.  

 

 

[Toocrazy!!]

I am so happy to hear of your progress. I bet your dad will be a lot happier there. They seem to fight the change, but the social interaction and safety nets can be so helpful. 

We're trying to get my parents to move closer. We're in the same town, but about 30 minutes away. It's hard to just stop by. My dad would like to move, he can see the benefits. But my mom LOVES her house and can't see the upsides. I imagine, they won't have a choice too much longer. Maybe the perfect house will show up soon. 

It is hard. And stressful. I'm lucky to have lots of help. I'm glad you found a good solution for your dad. 

[City Mouse]

Regarding the "stuff"- when my MIL moved from her 5 bedroom house to an apartment, she was ready to go, but too was worried about her "stuff". We helped her rent a storage unit to keep all of the stuff. It made her happy knowing that she didn't have to get rid of any thing if she didn't want to do so. Then over the next couple of years, she slowly gave away "stuff" and worked down to a smaller storage unit. By the time she went into full nursing care, there were just a few boxes left. It was a bit of a pain to take her out to the unit 2-3 times a year, but it was worth the comfort it gave her.

[J-rap]

That's a great update!  I agree about getting a small storage unit for those things he's not ready to part with and you don't have time to sort through.  We're anticipating downsizing next summer, and I've already decided that I'm going to get a storage unit so that I can take a lot of time (years even, I suppose!) to decide what I really want to keep.  It takes a lot of stress away!

Also, I was just talking to an old acquaintance of mine the other day who has started a business with a friend.  They go into homes of people who are downsizing, and  kind of take over.  They look through drawers, organize the myriad assortment of papers and old photos and memorabilia, look over furniture and dishes, etc. and decide what's worth selling and what isn't, pull all the cheap junk that they assume no one wants (but give you the opportunity to do a look-through of course), and try and sell things to local antique stores, Craigslist, etc.  At the end, they'll haul away everything that's left that no one wants.  I believe you discuss a price ahead of time with them and sign a contract.  I imagine this is pricy...  that sounds like a lot of work!  But if your father has the money to do it, it might be worthwhile to look into.