WWYD! Long but I am very upset and would like to get as much advice on this as I can.

[KidsHappen]

My youngest db is an OTR truckdriver. He totally supported my dm. He bought a new house for them that closed on 1/31. My dm passed away on 2/11. He went ahead and moved into the new house and fixed my dm's room up exactly the way she had wated it.

 

Since my db is always on the road there was no one at the house. We had a friend of the family who agreed to live there so that there was someone there to take care of the house. He has one room, my db has one room, my other db who is also an OTR driver has a third room and my dm room is the other room.

 

When I visit or my dd visits we stay in mom's room. My mom's best friend stays there when she visits but basically it is mom's room. My dd will eventually move in there and then it will be her room. I am ok with all of this because these are people that my mother knew and loved and I know that she would have been ok with this. My db is also ok with this.

 

The person that is living in the house is now trying to move another person into the house. She would take my mom's room. My db has never even met this person but has agreed to it because this is an elderly, sickly woman who has no where else to go. I AM NOT OK with this. I feel for this woman and I don't mind helping her find somewhere else to go but I don't want her moving into my mother's room. I honestly can not imagine that my db is ok with this either after he went through so much trouble to fix the room exactly the way my mother wanted it. I feel like he just can't say no because of the circumstances.

 

The house is in TX and I am in TN. I want to put my foot down and tell my db NO do not let this person move into mom's room. I know that if he knew how upset I was and how strongly I felt about this he would say NO but I just don't know if I should. I mean it is his house and I feel for this lady and I know that my db is thinking that if it was my mother he would want someone to help her but . . . she can't just move into my mother's room.

 

My db works very hard at a job that he doesn't even like to pay for this house that he gets to visit 3 days a month. It is his investment now and he works very hard to improve it and keep it nice and I just can't stand the idea of letting someone he has never even met move into the house. How is he supposed to make sure his things are secure and well taken care of? How is he supposed to have any piece of mind out on the road when he has no control of what is going on in his own home?

 

What would you do? How would you handle this? :001_huh:

[tibbyl]

His home. His choice. Voice your concern once and once only.

[motherofjoy]

His home. His choice. Voice your concern once and once only.

:iagree:

[Danestress]

Your DB sounds like a prince of a man - generous and sentimental and caretaking. Maybe taking care of your mother gave him a lot of satisfaction, and he misses that. Maybe he likes knowing that someone is enjoying the home he pays for but doesn't get to visit that often.

 

Or maybe he just feels like he can't say no.

 

Then again, maybe if you said something, he would feel like he can't say no to *you* and that even if he did, the joy in letting this lady have a place to live would be gone for him.

 

I might gently try to figure out what motivates him. Maybe this is really something that he will get some joy out of. Or maybe he's being taken advantage of. I agree that it's his house and he can do what he wants with it. You might ask if there are a few things of your mothers that you would like to have. But your DB could have married, he could rent out a room - there are a number of things well within his rights that could change the status quo. I know the pain of the loss of your mother is a fresh wound for all of you. Tread carefully. Maybe he is regretting having a room in his house that is "her" room. Or maybe if you bring it up (gently, gently) he will admit that he doesn't really want to have someone else move in. Maybe he needs help saying "no" to this friend. Or maybe he needs help telling you that he doesn't want to always have a designated "Mom" room.

 

((((((Kidshappen)))))))

[Stacia]

The person that is living in the house is now trying to move another person into the house. She would take my mom's room. My db has never even met this person but has agreed to it because this is an elderly, sickly woman who has no where else to go.

 

Sounds like your db has a good heart & is kind. Can your db not trust this family friend (who is 'vouching' for the new elderly woman)?

 

Though your family still has sentimental feelings for the room, I think helping an elderly lady in need is a nice gesture toward the living. Perhaps you could think of it as a nice memorial to your dm in that your db is loving enough to help another older lady. Perhaps your db is looking at is as if this had been your mother w/ nowhere else to go, would you want others to have helped her, if possible?

 

It is his house too. If he is ok and happy with his decision, I would support him in it.

[KidsHappen]

Your DB sounds like a prince of a man - generous and sentimental and caretaking. Maybe taking care of your mother gave him a lot of satisfaction, and he misses that. Maybe he likes knowing that someone is enjoying the home he pays for but doesn't get to visit that often.

 

Or maybe he just feels like he can't say no.

 

Then again, maybe if you said something, he would feel like he can't say no to *you* and that even if he did, the joy in letting this lady have a place to live would be gone for him.

 

I might gently try to figure out what motivates him. Maybe this is really something that he will get some joy out of. Or maybe he's being taken advantage of. I agree that it's his house and he can do what he wants with it. You might ask if there are a few things of your mothers that you would like to have. But your DB could have married, he could rent out a room - there are a number of things well within his rights that could change the status quo. I know the pain of the loss of your mother is a fresh wound for all of you. Tread carefully. Maybe he is regretting having a room in his house that is "her" room. Or maybe if you bring it up (gently, gently) he will admit that he doesn't really want to have someone else move in. Maybe he needs help saying "no" to this friend. Or maybe he needs help telling you that he doesn't want to always have a designated "Mom" room.

 

((((((Kidshappen)))))))

 

Thanks so much for this. This is why I came here with this. I want to work it out before I say anything to him.

[KidsHappen]

Sounds like your db has a good heart & is kind. Can your db not trust this family friend (who is 'vouching' for the new elderly woman)?

 

Though your family still has sentimental feelings for the room, I think helping an elderly lady in need is a nice gesture toward the living. Perhaps you could think of it as a nice memorial to your dm in that your db is loving enough to help another older lady. Perhaps your db is looking at is as if this had been your mother w/ nowhere else to go, would you want others to have helped her, if possible?

 

It is his house too. If he is ok and happy with his decision, I would support him in it.

 

Yes, family friend is trustworthy. Mom's best friend also vouches for elderly woman. It just that neither I nor my db have ever met this woman. If he is ok with the decision then of course, I would support him. Thanks for your input as well.

[KidsHappen]

His home. His choice. Voice your concern once and once only.

 

 

Thanks.

[Peela]

I might gently try to figure out what motivates him. Maybe this is really something that he will get some joy out of. Or maybe he's being taken advantage of. I agree that it's his house and he can do what he wants with it. You might ask if there are a few things of your mothers that you would like to have. But your DB could have married, he could rent out a room - there are a number of things well within his rights that could change the status quo. I know the pain of the loss of your mother is a fresh wound for all of you. Tread carefully. Maybe he is regretting having a room in his house that is "her" room. Or maybe if you bring it up (gently, gently) he will admit that he doesn't really want to have someone else move in. Maybe he needs help saying "no" to this friend. Or maybe he needs help telling you that he doesn't want to always have a designated "Mom" room.

 

((((((Kidshappen)))))))

 

Danestress put it much better than I could have.

I wonder how long you think a room will be put aside for your mother? A year? 5 or 10 years? It is a beautiful idea, but perhaps one day it will be time to let the external focus go and honour your mother within your hearts, and perhaps your brother has reached that stage of the grieving process before you have.