How do we make this better?

[housemouse]

Ds 13 does not like too much when I critique his work too much. Also, he absolutely does not like to write. He read "The Giver" after watching the movie and decided on his own to write about the two and how they compare. I do not believe he tried hard because sometimes he can produce some good writing and this is not one of them. Below is his writing in entirety with all the mistakes- I did not make any changes. How do we make it better?  Thank you so very much for any advise.

 

                                                                         The Giver

                                                            Movie and Book Comparison

 

 

          The Giver is a story written by Lois Lowry in 1993 and the movie version was made in 2014.  The story is about a boy named Jonas who lives in a community that is all the same, no choices, and had strict rules.  The sameness of the community that Jonas lived in was no color, same land, no different climates, and no other living things other than plants.  As he becomes a twelve, which is the point where a student graduates, and went to be assigned his job.  The Elders chose him to be the new receiver and learn the memories from the previous receiver of memories who would now be called the Giver.

           The movie and the book have many differences and changed scenes.  The book begins where Jonas is an eleven, one year before the graduation, whereas the movie starts where he is almost ready to get his assignment.  Most of the events that happen in the book are more detailed in the movie.  In the movie when Jonas goes to the Giver, the land and the scenery is very detailed whereas the book it doesn’t tell you what the land looks like.  When the Giver shares the memories of the past with Jonas, there are more memories that are being shared in the movie than in the book, but the memories in the book are more detailed.  Another difference in the movie is that the jobs that are assigned for Jonas’s friends are different.

          Many of the extra scenes that were in the movie were not in the book in was when Jonas goes to the nurturing center to take Gabriel away from the community and going to the end of the movie when he is at the waterfall.  The book starts where Jonas is one year from his graduation and doesn’t have any of the extra parts that are in the movie.  The Emotional aspect was that both are sad, but in my opinion the movie was sadder because of the actions of the character, which was the killing and the some of the memories.                                                    

         If I was put in a place like this it wouldn’t be that fun.  Apologizing every time I’m late or I didn’t do something.  Having to have your own child assigned to that was birthed by a another mother, having your job picked out by the Elders instead of you, having to use precise language instead of saying something regularly, cannot lie at all, and many of the strange things that I do would be considered odd and unusual.  If you were in this kind of scene what would you be like?

[OneStepAtATime]

Sorry, I just have a moment but I wanted to point out that writing is a series of very complex processes, both physically and neurologically.  Merging all those processes together smoothly does not come easily or consistently for many.  He may very well have put in tremendous effort writing this.  

[debi21]

I'm not claiming to be an expert, but here are my thoughts for what it's worth. I would ignore individual sentences as this can feel nitpicky and focus on the big picture. I would say that the entire last paragraph is extraneous to the stated purpose (comparison). That's an issue of staying on topic and editing (knowing what to cut). That paragraph seems like an attempt to add words. Second I would work on developing an introduction (with a thesis statement) and a conclusion. I have neither read the book nor watched the film. Based on the details your son included, it seems like none of the differences he mentioned were major. Is his thesis then, despite minor differences, the book and movie fundamentally tell the same story and the movie is faithful to the book? Or has he left out major differences? What might he conclude? Which is better? Should a person both watch and read or are they similar enough that this is unnecessary? Why are they both worthwhile? Finally, organizationally, in a comparison, you would address how two things are different and how they are the same. (or in opposite order). You could work on better organizing his detail information into this format also.

[fairy4tmama]

How are you and he communicating when you give feedback about his written work? I know for my 13yo DS he much prefers to work in google docs and have me give edits and feedback using the comments feature, he takes it so much less personally and is able to focus on the feedback rather than getting defensive.

 

Did he proof-read and do a self-edit before turning this into you? I find that I have to assign proof-reading and editing or it just doesn't happen.

 

I Agree with OneStep writing is a synthesis of skills and often they are skills that develop asynchronously which can make it hard to know exactly which skills he is struggling with. What curricula have you used with him up to this point for writing, or how have you addressed writing if you don't use a curriculum?

[sassenach]

He decided on his own to write this? I would give home nothing but praise.

 

Check out Julie Bogart's work on the stages of writing. She had helped me to put the growth of my writers into perspective.

[Alicia64]

If your son is a reluctant writer, I think he did a fantastic job. And that he came up w/ the idea on his own is brilliant! He'll grow as a writer as you notice the things he does right. It's really painful for a writer to have the work picked apart. I'd start w/ what he did well.

 

I'm really thinking of putting my two 13-year-olds in a writing class. I think they'd write for a stranger better than they do for me.

 

Alley

[Shalott25]

Great free write.  If you want to make it better, he needs structure, coherency, and unity.  Here are just a few tips: 

 

Introduction

Attention Getter/Hook

Context/Build up to Thesis (in this case set up the movie and book briefly and what he hope to accomplish)

Thesis (since it is a comparison, he should have a sentence that establishes that is what he is going to do)

 

Topic sentence introducing one area of comparison.  Currently it just says there are differences. It is workable but the next paragraph is also differences. So, each paragraph should either be unique areas of differences (define in topic sentence) or one paragraph about differences and one paragraph about similarities.

Have a one to one comparisons.  Right now, he just says the movie does this and the book does this.  He should get into what impact those differences made or how it reflected the theme of the book differently.  Something beyond stating facts.  

Needs a concluding sentence.  

 

The conclusion should have the thesis restated and should sum up and pull everything together.  His final paragraph is about his feelings about the setting.