Any empty nesters have a harder time sending kiddo(s) back for the second year?

[Jenny in Florida]

Or am I just weird?

 

I have to take my son back to his college tomorrow, and I'm having a very tough time with it. I think that, when he was heading off last year, I really thought that I would feel sad but would bounce back. I'm normally a pretty resilient and optimistic person. I had already been through sending one to college and had been okay when my daughter went 800 miles away to school. I was in the middle of getting settled into a new job. So, I was honestly surprised at how effectively the whole thing knocked me for a loop. I fired up  my Google fingers and read about how to cope with "empty nest syndrome" and tried to follow the advice and be patient, waiting to feel better.

 

And every now and then I would, for a little while, but mostly what I felt was like I was just waiting out the days, marking the hours until the next time I could talk to or see one of my kids.

 

Then summer rolled around and my son came home. It hasn't been an exciting summer. We didn't go on vacation or have any intentionally fabulous family experiences. He's just been here, and things feel normal again. 

 

But over the last few weeks, as the date for moving him back into the dorm has crept closer, I'm feeling alternately panicky and sad. I'm dreading him leaving again. Even though I'm working really hard to assure myself that a whole year has passed, things are different, and there's every reason to believe I'll weather this better this time. I  don't really believe it, though, and I'm just dreading going back to feeling like I did all last year.

 

Am I alone, here?

[MerryAtHope]

Doesn't sound weird to me at all. Sounds like you have a wonderful relationship with your son and will miss him. 

[Nan in Mass]

Not worse. But I,ve sent children off to college for something like 8 years now and it is still not much easier than the first time. I think there are a whole lot of things one does adjust to over time, but having loved ones go away isn,t one of them. At least not for me. Your son, like some of mine, appears to be an intense, high impact person. Those people leave a big hole behind when they leave. Every. Single. Time. Mine ihas been home a few months then away for a few months for 8 years now. It is still requiring a pretty major adjustment every time he goes. I think what does happen that makes it somewhat easier over time is that you develop a no children modus operandi. It takes awhile to get back into it after a child leaves, but once it is established (took us a few years), you don,t spend quite so many weeks aimlessly wandering around the house after a departure. I still do it for awhile. The period beforehand still is awful. But eventually, things settle down. This probably isn,t very encouraging. Sorry. I tend to react to things atypically. You might find you adjust fine after a few years. I just wanted you to know that you aren,t alone if you don,t.

 

Hugs,

Nan

 

ETA Being part of a family (my anthropology class defined family as more than two) is very special. I think some people tend to want to form forever families, and and some people are more ok with forming more temporary, fluid groupings. If your are a forever sort of person, I think it is especially difficult to weather the years when your children need some extra privacy to establish their adult selves. With luck (and work and planning and good communication), you will go back to being a close family when your children are through this period. It might be worth putting some thought into thinking about what you can do to be eventually a family again, this time a family of working adults. I talked to one close family that had to work far from each other who used skype to spend time together. I am a child in a family that stayed together as adults. We all have our own houses, but close to each other. I can tell you that it takes massive amounts of time and you have to have a lot of patience with the endless coordinating logistics. For me, the benefits outweigh the disadvantages. You are still a number of years from being able to be this kind of family, but you might think about what it might look like and how to get there, if it is something you want. Or perhaps you are already.

[Myra]

I think what makes it harder each successive year in college is that it is one more step in acknowledging that my boys aren't just going away to college then returning to life back at home again after the four year college experience.  They are moving on into adulthood and a new phase of their lives.  It's all good, but one can't help mourn the loss of previous family dynamics while embracing the new relationships that happens when everyone spreads their wings. We've tried our best to give the kids good educational and emotional foundations so that they can be independent and well-adjusted young adults.  So even though it is all good - it is also bittersweet.  I have found this to be true for all the stages in parenting so far and I can't wait to see how it all turns out!

 

Myra

[creekland]

I miss my guys every single time.  It can get pretty much to the point of what is probably mild depression, esp when other things are going on too.

 

But I still try to focus on being happy for them.

 

FWIW, my mom can still get teary eyed when we leave too.

[Gwen in VA]

The funny thing is that having kids leave IS a blessing. (Yes, I'm still cry at the drop of a hat because dd2 just left.....)

 

But my 25yo has been living at home for the past three years -- one because he worked nearby and another two because he was getting a master's at the Public Ivy down the street from us. But now he is ready to leave, and he can't find a job.

 

So please when you are sad that your kids are leaving, remember also that you are blessed that they ARE leaving -- strange as that may sound. They are moving forward into their future.

 

Some families have adult children who will never leave home due to disabilities. As much as we may mourn our kids leaving, we really do want them to leave! Their not being able to leave -- whether due to disability or lack of a job -- is NOT a desirable alternative!

[regentrude]

Not sure how I will be feeling... DD is not leaving until the 16th. It was great to have her home for the summer and absolutely fantastic that she joined us for a week vacation in the mountains. I will miss her like crazy. But right now, I think it won't be quite as bad as last time, because I know that I was able to handle it OK last year. And I know how she spends her days, that she has friends, that she handles herself well.. so I am not concerned.

 

But I may just eat my words in two weeks...