Home'scool Posted June 23, 2015 Author Share Posted June 23, 2015 Thank you for the book recommendation. We are going to marriage counseling and she is helping us lay out a specific plan to try to work things out. My first instinct was to say "whatever it takes, I will do that to fix this" but I have come to realize that that is not fair to me, nor is it fair to him because I probably could not keep up my end if I was pretending to be something I am not. I need to lay out what I want from life for the next 5, 10, 20 years and then see if that matches what he wants, and if compromises can be made to make that happen. If we truly are in a place where we want such different things, or he is not willing to compromise or accept me for who I will be then there really is no use. But we won't know that until we work through things and lay out the future. Until then I have to wait and try to use this time for introspective growth and to try to find the strength to get through this with my sanity and dignity intact. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grantmom Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 Hugs to you, and good luck. I think the book was actually called The Divorce Remedy, and while it seems like it is about saving your marriage, it actually is also about what you are saying above. So, good wishes to you and your family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 I can think of two instances I know of personally that were not nasty divorces. One of my SILs managed to have what I would definitely call an amicable divorce. She and her xh parted ways rather undramatically. We were all surprised, but then no one really knows what goes on between a couple, but the couple themselves. Their children were all already grown adults when they divorced, though, so custody was not part of the equation. There was a farm business involved and that was a bit tricky to navigate, but they managed to do it through a mediator with no drama and both parties feeling like they were dealt a fair enough hand. They no longer communicate much and SIL has remarried. Their children have said that they were not surprised by the divorce and they are glad their parents are happier now. I also have a friend who recently divorced with a decent degree of civility (not entirely sure I'd call it 'amicable' or not). In the beginning, it didn't look like it was going to go that way as her xh felt blindsided and was very angry and hurt. With some counseling (together), he came to peace with it and they proceeded to divorce without nastiness. He wasn't "friendly," per se, but he wasn't angry or unfair either. While she doesn't like sharing custody of their two children because it requires a lot of effort on her part to get them to their father's place (as agreed), there isn't anything else that she's complained about (that I know of, at least). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catherine Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 I know of two "good" divorces, both friends. Based on my experience, this cannot happen unless both parties are adults. One of my closest friends divorced when her son was 3. They continued to amicably raise him together, and he is now a seemingly happy, well-adjusted young man, college student. My other friend amicably divorced her first husband and father of their 2 kids when they kids were still elementary-aged. It worked out well in her case because they were both very willing to overlook their own disputes in order to continue to co-raise their kids. In that case, one is happily remarried, the other, has gone on to another divorce and a third, failing, marriage. I suspect that a deep willingness to separate oneself from the spouse's mistakes, and continued willingness to see the best in him\her is the key to that one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 I think it's more unlikely than not, but I've seen it happen. In fact, we just returned from a vacation with a group that included a couple that has been divorced for 20 years now. They always seem to get along so well, that I finally asked them why they don't just get remarried. They both laughed. Finances have never been an issue for either of them though, and I suspect that's one big reason why their divorce has been so peaceful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 Hope for the best;plan for the worst. If infidelity is involved, know that things are often not logical and the affair functions so with the irrationality of addiction. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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