son won't do work

[Diane G.]

Hi! I do not know what to do. My son is 11 and he takes a very long time doing things (chores, school, etc.). I have posted about this before, but he has been doing his schoolwork for a couple of weeks now. I am trying to let him have the consequences of not getting it done (no T.V., no going out to play until his work is done). The problem is that his work is never done!!!! Ever!!!!! Every day he has leftover assignments. He does not seem to care if he sits at his desk forever. I would be fine with it, but it is interfering with the rest of us. I feel like I am grounded. We can't take the family out to do anything with out him bringing his work (which he does'nt do while we are out anyway). Then he sulks the whole time and I have to sit there and make sure he is'nt just goofing instead of doing work.

 

The work is not too hard for him. He does this with everything that he "has" to do. If it's something he wants to do, it's done fast. He can read a book that is hundreds of pages long in a few hours! He is so smart and good at things I just don't know what to do here. It is really limiting what we can do with our daughter who is five. I have'nt hardly got out of the house and I am going crazy and it's only September! He just sits there and does nothing for hours! He's had no free time at all for almost two weeks! And his assignments are not long either. He could easily get most of them done in 15 or 20 minutes, but he takes hours.

 

Diane

Going crazy and awfully sorry for the run-on sentences.

[bkpan]

Don't let him control things! It sounds as if you only have 2 children, correct? That would be easy. I would plan a set time for schoolwork ( a generous amount of time), and then I would go about with all of our plans. Just about all of my ds's work fits into a box that we can transport anywhere. He needs to bring it with him if you go somewhere. He gets NO freedoms at home until schoolwork is complete. If you are truly consistent, he will tire of this.

 

First, be 100% sure that your expectations are not too high, and then make sure that mom's attitude is very positive. You sympathize, but you are a rock. He does not read his fun books, go outside, no screens whatsoever, no toys, etc., until work is completed. When you go somewhere, be sure that he has a comfortable place to sit and leave him there with his schoolwork. Don't nag, don't threaten, enjoy yourself.

 

In addition, I would purposely plan 2 or 3 exceptionally fun outings over the next week or so.:D Let him know ahead of time (once!) where you are going, when you are leaving, and what will need to be completed if he is to participate. Then don't nag or remind him, just follow through! He will probably be angry, mopey, and upset the first time. He might even try it again. But if you are a rock, and revolve your life for a week or two around getting this point across to your ds, he will probably come to respect the value of a timely work ethic. HTH

 

Kim

[NevadaRabbit]

Don't let him control things! It sounds as if you only have 2 children, correct? That would be easy. I would plan a set time for schoolwork ( a generous amount of time), and then I would go about with all of our plans. Just about all of my ds's work fits into a box that we can transport anywhere. He needs to bring it with him if you go somewhere. He gets NO freedoms at home until schoolwork is complete. If you are truly consistent, he will tire of this.

 

First, be 100% sure that your expectations are not too high, and then make sure that mom's attitude is very positive. You sympathize, but you are a rock. He does not read his fun books, go outside, no screens whatsoever, no toys, etc., until work is completed. When you go somewhere, be sure that he has a comfortable place to sit and leave him there with his schoolwork. Don't nag, don't threaten, enjoy yourself.

 

In addition, I would purposely plan 2 or 3 exceptionally fun outings over the next week or so.:D Let him know ahead of time (once!) where you are going, when you are leaving, and what will need to be completed if he is to participate. Then don't nag or remind him, just follow through! He will probably be angry, mopey, and upset the first time. He might even try it again. But if you are a rock, and revolve your life for a week or two around getting this point across to your ds, he will probably come to respect the value of a timely work ethic. HTH

 

Kim

 

I love this advice. My son is a dawdler, though not as persistent as the OP's dc. I can just see planning an afternoon at the bowling alley and him having to finish his math before he can bowl a single frame. :D I am AWFUL to feel this much glee.....

 

I have made him miss lunch or dinner because of his dawdling. Sorry, dear son, you took too long doing ____ and missed lunch. Or, aww, that's too bad you spent so much time doing _____. Dinner's already been put away! To this child who LOVES. TO. EAT, that was like dying a hundred slow agonizing deaths. But it got the point across and he knows when I say "you must do XYZ then come help me get lunch on," I mean it!

[JFSinIL]

Could it be that the work is too easy? Show him a harder level of, say, math and ask him if he feels he could do it. Maybe if he has a challenge like that he might rise to it and do the work. Otherwise - sounds like he is in a powerplay and winning if he can see that he is ruining your day. etc. Calmly let him know it is fine if he chooses not to have holidays/weekends off from school if the work is not done - and go ahead and run errands, etc. as you would if school was done - do not let him dominate the day or set your schedule. he must adapt to YOU not the other way around. So what if he is dragged off on your errands or playdates etc. for your other kidlet - not your problem he did not get his work done yet. He is not in charge.

 

He has to see that you mean what you say, that you will not adapt life to suit his laziness.

 

Good luck! You will succeed - you are older, wiser, stronger....and have the WTMommies to back you up! ;)

[jmgconner]

I found with my DS that when he gets into this habit, I have to literally sit with him and help him get back on track. To be honest, I hate it. And usually it is proceeded by a day or two of me yelling at him. :glare: But once I do sit down with him, keep him directed on his schoolwork, he gets it done. I'm able to slip away from the table for longer and longer amounts of time.

[Remudamom]

Well, everything I was going to say has been said. Be consistent. Work gets finished no matter what or life shuts down. Don't feed him.

 

My two used to dawdle, now they get things done.

[magistramom]

I don't know... could he not be interested in what you are providing? Many 11 year olds are on the verge of being able to take control of part of their learning. Are your curriculum choices more his? or yours?

 

If they are the latter, try structuring the day, not the content. When my dd was transitioning from my agenda to her own, we compromised using this technique. Choose an amount of time (we chose six hours). Each day, within that time, she had to:

 

Solve something.

Research something.

Read something.

Write something.

Interact with someone.

 

Anything went - all of the curriculum I had purchased, online sites, the library, visiting a neighbor with a telescope under the guise that she was dropping off cookies...let him decide for a month or two. If he can't figure it out in two months, you can go back to your chosen books.

 

It will help, if before you begin, you sit down with him and explain your educational philosophy. We used WTM. I explained the three stages (Grammar/Logic/Rhetoric) and how to progress to each one and what was expected in each stage. We also went over the WTM schedules and worked with PS students and relatives to find out their school/class schedules.

 

In our experience, dd found it was very hard to make up your own curriculum using your own ideas. She realized it could be done, but didn't want to put the effort into it. She eventually went back to the books I wanted, but with a renewed vigor. If she gets something now - I don't make her do it over and over (Rod and Staff, and math are good examples of programs with over repetition...). What dd brought back was a realization that there were many other ways she could spend her day beyond the books. She hammers out her work now, and goes off to her own interests. If you read in WTM, SWB writes about this exact time/point where she found a routine if she "just did her work" in the mornings and spent her afternoons on her own pursuits - reading, reading, reading.

 

Sometimes you have to give freedom to find structure. What ever helps, I wish you peace!

[magistramom]

If they are the latter, try structuring the day, not the content. When my dd was transitioning from my agenda to her own, we compromised using this technique. Choose an amount of time (we chose six hours). Each day, within that time, she had to:

 

Solve something.

Research something.

Read something.

Write something.

Interact with someone.

 

Anything went - all of the curriculum I had purchased, online sites, the library, visiting a neighbor with a telescope under the guise that she was dropping off cookies...let him decide for a month or two. If he can't figure it out in two months, you can go back to your chosen books.

 

 

 

I forgot to add that at the end of each day during dd's "freedom months", she had to show me what she produced during the day. This was a time for us to chat about her realizations - not judge her work. Now that she is back to using traditional curriculum, we still take this approach (talking about new ideas and her findings) rather than red lining everything.

[Cheryl in NM]

Here's a personal experience: My step-daughter definitely marches to the beat of her very own drum. There was no winning a battle of wills with her. She would be grounded for weeks at a time, not change her behavior and act like the grounding didn't bother her. At one time, (this was a very serious offense) we took most of her possesions and her door. She went to the school conselor and they threatendd to call CPS.

 

My point with this experience is that there are some children that you shouldn't get into a battle of wills with. They need creative solutions. I still haven't figured out what would have helped with her. I do know that similar problems happened with her mom and another household she lived in.

 

Now with ds (11), who dawdles, sometimes I yell (I'm not perfect and I have bad days too), some times I threaten to take away (and have followe through) priveleges like going to a friends house, sometimes I sit beside him and spur him on. Sometimes he just has trouble focusing on schoolwork and he needs many reminders. I get caught up in my expectations and sometimes I expect him to behave like an adult. You know, "I've told you to do your schoolwork, it's right there, there's nothing in your way but you. Deal with it." I usually look back on this and realize that I didn't give him the skills necessary to do what I was asking. I try to be more understanding by sharing with him that I might be tired, having trouble focusing, don't want to do school, etc, but I have to push past that and so does he.

 

I try to help ds notice when he's just not focusing and then help him learn to focus anyway. This is a skill that will be vital when he's an adult. I give alot of reminders.

 

If your son is not responding to what you are doing then you need to find another way. I realize that's why you posted. One thing I noticed about myself was that I was angry because he was dawdling because it inconvenienced ME. I had to realize that homeschooling is NOT about ME. I'm here for ds; to teach him, but more to help him learn to learn and to help him to be his best. That doesn't always mean book learning. That also means that things aren't always going to happen according to my schedule.

 

Another thing I've realized (and I don't know if this applies to your situation) is that ds has NO knowledge of life in ps. There are things we learn in ps that just don't come up in homeschool. Like, put the date on all your schoolwork. Why, Mom? Well, cause the teacher said! So many things that we do by rote because we learned them early in ps don't just happen in homeschool. It's a joke around here when we go on field trips and the person in charges tells the kids to line up. Homeschooled kids stand in a group and stare, dumbfounded! Homeschoolers are not taught to stand still, quielty in a straight line. Anyway, just an observation, I don't know if you are struggling with any of these things either. They can be so passive!

 

I think you need to focus on your son and really look at what is hanging him up. Something isn't working and it won't just magically start working. Someone once said the definition of stupid is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I'm not saying you are stupid; I have to remind myself of that constantly!

 

I hope my rambling have helped somewhat.

[lwilliams1922]

Don't let him control things! It sounds as if you only have 2 children, correct? That would be easy. I would plan a set time for schoolwork ( a generous amount of time), and then I would go about with all of our plans. Just about all of my ds's work fits into a box that we can transport anywhere. He needs to bring it with him if you go somewhere. He gets NO freedoms at home until schoolwork is complete. If you are truly consistent, he will tire of this.

 

First, be 100% sure that your expectations are not too high, and then make sure that mom's attitude is very positive. You sympathize, but you are a rock. He does not read his fun books, go outside, no screens whatsoever, no toys, etc., until work is completed. When you go somewhere, be sure that he has a comfortable place to sit and leave him there with his schoolwork. Don't nag, don't threaten, enjoy yourself.

 

In addition, I would purposely plan 2 or 3 exceptionally fun outings over the next week or so.:D Let him know ahead of time (once!) where you are going, when you are leaving, and what will need to be completed if he is to participate. Then don't nag or remind him, just follow through! He will probably be angry, mopey, and upset the first time. He might even try it again. But if you are a rock, and revolve your life for a week or two around getting this point across to your ds, he will probably come to respect the value of a timely work ethic. HTH

 

Kim

 

 

:confused:

Have you met my dd?

I have the queen of procrastination. at first I thought some of you must have seen us today from a hidden camera...

 

I HAVE to be RIGHT next to her as she does the problems or she will panic and forget eVERYTHIING just staring into space. Or I will get the 20 min trip to the rest room.

 

This morning she wanted to go out with my husband. She was lagging all morning on ONE math lesson, staring at the book/complaining one of the kids touched the manipulatives/telling me how she just didn't get it/whining,... 8:00 to 10:30 AM.

 

DH had to leave so he was putting his shoes on. In an instant she zooming through all the problems. Got a few wrong but fixed them without complaint (this time).

 

...sigh... I have to try really hard not to get frustrated.

 

usually I break her work down in to small bits and that is helpful. Then I also tie them into things that she has to do. If dinner is ready and your 30 min assignment is still not completed after 2 hrs of staring at it, your dinner will wait for you to get done.

 

I also will let her send txt msgs from an extra cell phone if she gets work done with out me prodding.

 

I also pull out the timer on some days. I 'll set it for 30 mins for her to complete a portion of work. If she does before the timer goes off she gets bonus time before the next section of work.

 

some good days and some, uhh... well.... challenging days.

[Julie in CA]

It's not out until October.

http://www.amazon.com/Motivation-Breakthrough-Secrets-Turning-Tuned-Out/dp/0743289617/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1220640092&sr=8-1

 

It sounds good though, and I will probably buy it when it's out.

We have a few motivational problems around here too! :tongue_smilie:

[lwilliams1922]

It's not out until October.

http://www.amazon.com/Motivation-Breakthrough-Secrets-Turning-Tuned-Out/dp/0743289617/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1220640092&sr=8-1

 

It sounds good though, and I will probably buy it when it's out.

We have a few motivational problems around here too! :tongue_smilie:

 

 

thanks for sharing the book link.

I went to amazon and i saw the paperback comes out in oct but the hard cover came out a year ago.

 

Lara