brainstorming ideas for consequences and rewards

[daniela_r]

What kinds of rewards and mild consequences do you use with young kids (ages 6 and 5)?  I'm trying to brainstorm some ideas.  The issues I would most like to change:

1) rude, disrespectful speech to parents.  A problem with our 6 year old dd.  I've been responding with a firm (not angry) "That's not the right way to speak to me.  Try again, please."  Or something similar.  And she responds well to this.  But I wonder if there were a little more consequence if she would make a little effort to speak kindly/respectfully the first time.  I think a mild consequence of something like, say, doing 20 jumping jacks would help.  Other ideas?  I don't want to use an extra chore because I don't want to make helping around the house be seen as any more negative, at least for now:)

2) complaining/arguing/purposely annoying me during schoolwork.  For this, I think we could benefit from two jars with marbles, and moving a marble from the "sad face" jar to the "happy face" jar for cooperation and moving a marble back to the "sad face" jar as a consequence.  And then a bigger reward when the "happy face" jar is full.  Trouble is, I'm having trouble thinking of a suitable reward.  We live in a third-world country, so, although we do fun things as a family, they take more effort and planning than they would in the States.  The only easy-to-implement rewards I can think of right now are food things! 

 

 

 

[happi duck]

Regarding the marble jar...

Imo, don't move back any marbles. It can make filling the jar feel impossible and it's like taking back a compliment, kwim?

 

Coming up with rewards is tricky. How frequently do you think you'll need a reward? Is there something your dc like to help with that isn't normally allowed? Do they like to use a certain kind of messy craft supply that could be reserved as a reward?

[bolt.]

#1. The next logical step after your current strategy would be to reduce the cuing (teaching her to develop the instinct to recognize it herself and rephrase) which is the skill just before being able to pre-recognize a phrase and change it before it comes out if her mouth. Going to a shorter cue, "Try again." Then a non-verbal cue, like making a face, an eyebrow or a gesture -- tends to work.

 

After that skill set settles in completely, you can add a logical consequence along the lines of, "When people are rude to me it makes me less likely to want to help them." -- That means that you can begin to say, "no" (with no opportunity to try again) for small things. And/or "you can try again, but later" or other variations on making the child wait for another chance to ask for bigger things.

 

#2. I reccomeded focusing on one behaviour at a time, for a couple of weeks each, using a label-and-replace type of method to work together to shift the behaviour.

 

For most kids, pleasing their parents, learning to do better, and feeling strong, capable and mature are huge rewards. Seeing their own progress, noticing that each of their choices make a difference, and pointing out their progress almost always make more sense than tangible rewards... Try considering a compliment or flattery as a reward that you can dole out, and see how that works.

[Ripley]

I'm not organized enough to have those type of systems.

But I know they work well for people who aren't me.

What we did was have a generic, blanket "rule" of sorts -

and it's kind of still in place today working well with my teens.

 

Basically it's this: "Make it right."

It'll look different from kid to kid, situation to situation, day to day.

It puts the onus on the kid to come up with appropriate restitution.

It's harder than stewing over marbles in a jar -

and getting to feel like SHE is the real victim!

 

And more effective, maybe.

Immediate gratification can be its own reward.

I'd weigh a known consequence against doing/saying what I wanted.

Sometimes, some things were worth the 20 jumping jacks IYKWIM.

(Maybe, hopefully, your kids aren't as rotten as I was!)

 

So Example 1 I'd follow your script with "I need you to make this right."

At first, with younger ones like this, you may need to guide them more.

So maybe: "You need to make it right before we go to bed tonight."

Offer ideas if they're stumped and need some direction.

It's not a punishment, it's a learning exercise. Stay calm, teach this.

 

Maybe the offender would make you a card saying sorry.

Or maybe they'd help set the table without asking.

My favorite is the heartfelt, on the spot hug.

It melted me at six, and still does at eighteen.

 

Example two. Oh boy that's annoying, isn't it??!

I stop everything and wait for the interruption to end.

Then re-start. And stop again, if needed. Then re-start.

Some school days were loooooong LOL.

And sometimes it meant lunch was put off a few hours.

Or other routines were disrupted.

But school was our priority and it had to come first(ish).

And they had a role and responsibility in seeing to that.

 

A few delayed lunches and field trips lost made an impact.

As did days play time was cut short because school ran long.

It's just real life though, right? To some degree?

Work, then pleasure. Prioritizing responsibilities.

I know adults who still struggle :). But it's important to work at.

 

Easy rewards: bouncy balls, scratch-n-sniff stickers, rubber stamps'

Food rewards: tootsie rolls, starburst, dum-dum (small) lollipops

... or maybe M&Ms/skittles/runts instead of marbles?

And they can eat whatever is in their smiley face jar for snack.

 

[tabinfl]

My kids' current favorite rewards are pretty simple things: staying up a half hour past bedtime (= extra alone time with Mom & Dad while siblings are in bed), choosing what we have for dinner, picking a TV show or movie to watch on the big TV in the living room, or baking something with me. I also have a treasure box full of dollar store items.

 

We use a combination of points for schoolwork done and a printed chart of daily expectations checked off each evening, with bonus points for no more than 2-3 Xs. We also give random rewards (small treats like M&Ms, hug or high-5, bonus point or 2) when I "catch" them in good behavior throughout the day. When they get a certain number of points, they get to pick a reward.

 

If things go too far downhill for several days in a row, I will limit privileges as well (like screen time -- they usually have to spend points on this anyway, but unless they've earned enough checkmarks this week they can't even buy screen time).

[Joanne]

What kinds of rewards and mild consequences do you use with young kids (ages 6 and 5)?  I'm trying to brainstorm some ideas.  The issues I would most like to change:

1) rude, disrespectful speech to parents.  A problem with our 6 year old dd.  I've been responding with a firm (not angry) "That's not the right way to speak to me.  Try again, please."  Or something similar.  And she responds well to this.  But I wonder if there were a little more consequence if she would make a little effort to speak kindly/respectfully the first time.  I think a mild consequence of something like, say, doing 20 jumping jacks would help.  Other ideas?  I don't want to use an extra chore because I don't want to make helping around the house be seen as any more negative, at least for now:)

2) complaining/arguing/purposely annoying me during schoolwork.  For this, I think we could benefit from two jars with marbles, and moving a marble from the "sad face" jar to the "happy face" jar for cooperation and moving a marble back to the "sad face" jar as a consequence.  And then a bigger reward when the "happy face" jar is full.  Trouble is, I'm having trouble thinking of a suitable reward.  We live in a third-world country, so, although we do fun things as a family, they take more effort and planning than they would in the States.  The only easy-to-implement rewards I can think of right now are food things! 

 

I'd like to gently encourage you to not think in terms of rewards and punishments. :)

 

I think you are handling #1 just fine. Sometimes, it's tempting to think that good parenting = never having those issues. But children, like any human, go through periods of time of learning and being in need of redirection and do-overs. Adding "more" won't hurry her through this phase. Leaving it as it (which you say she responds to) allows her to make mistakes, be given grace to do over, and for the two of you to move on. It is not permissive (you are not ignoring the behavior). Anything MORE is simply punishment and punishment doesn't make her older or wiser.

 

For the second issue, you have itty bitty students. Itty bitty students sometimes have larger than life annoying habits and itty bitty attention spans. You should adjust your expecations. At that age, I did a not of frequent, short lessons. Today, I have a young adult building his own business and 2 honors high schoolers (not bragging, just saying that the short, frequent lessons didn't doom them!).