Your Children are not Slaves. JAWM

[FaithManor]

 Have you talked to a family law attorney? I would be tempted to go have a chat. If dad had custody at one time and "threw" niece out or if without a legal change in custody, she went to her mother's and mother does not have custody, she might be a legal run away. If she is, well, courts generally don't like ordering teens that old to return to a parent if the teen is at risk of not following the custody agreement again. If you offer a home and she agrees to stay, you might have some legal precedent so long as you pursue this legitimately through legal channels.

 

I say this because my cousin had to do this at 15 in order to escape her drug addicted father and abusive mother who were divorced. Her mother technically had custody. So first she ran tonher dad and refused to go home. Then she ran from her dad and went to her aunt's house, was offered shelter, and announced it would take police physically dragging her back to either of them to getbherbto go. The family court gave aunt six months temporary custody. She did well in school, settled right in, and pleaded to stay so aunt was awarded custody permanently. My cousin did really well and is a wonderful adult now, great mom! But her sister stayed with the mom, bounced back and forth from there and dad, and ended up an alcoholic mess with a disastrous life. So I tend to favor the getting out if they can.

[chocolatechip]

I have no idea about any of the legal issues, but I wanted to say that I am so sorry she has such a hard time. I really hope that you can figure out a way to help her. Way to be a loving aunt!  :grouphug:

[Plateau Mama]

Can your dh talk to his brother privately about this?

  He has tried, more than once. His brother just tells him/us to stop parenting her.

As someone who grew up in a very disfunctional home and was eventually emancipated at age 15, this situation really strikes a chord.

I actually had a fantastic aunt in my life. The fact that I knew she was always there for me, the fact that she made sure I knew that the circumstances/details of my life were NOT healthy or normal was huge. Always knowing that I had an escape plan was a little light inside I kept hidden. I am so glad to know that you are that light for her.

 

Thank you. I have really tried to make sure that she knows this isn't normal, or healthy. I have really been stressing that, no matter what she is told, if she doesn't feel safe, for whatever reason she is to leave and that under no circumstance is she to allow anyone, ever, to even lay a finger on her, ever.

 

It just so upsetting that we even need to have this conversation.

[Sahamamama]

 I tend to favor the getting out if they can.

 

:iagree: Yes, this.

 

When I was in social work, I noticed that most people's sympathies seemed to lie with younger children -- the babies, toddlers, and little kids in terrible situations. And while it's true that they do need our protection and concern (and are too young to self-advocate at all), I came to see that it's the teens who really need to know (1) what a "normal" and effective life looks like, and (2) how they can set themselves up in this kind of life.

 

Getting out of the pan into the fire isn't good (I've seen plenty of that), but getting out of chaos into normal is huge. At least that way, the teen has an idea of what is possible -- that they don't have to move from place to place every few months, or live without electricity and water, or have a perpetually empty pantry, or live in fear of bullets coming through the walls, or succumb to drugs and alcohol, or be promiscuous, or steal from an employer, or be dominated and used by unhealthy people, or drop out of school, or end up in prison or the morgue.

 

It was amazing to me what 16, 17, and 18 year olds didn't know. If you grow up in a home where no one cooks, you don't know how to use a can opener, or the names of common vegetables. You don't know how to move into a stable, responsible adult life, if the adults in your life have modeled irresponsibility and instability.

 

Can you look into what it would take to have her emancipated? Does she want that level of responsibility? Would she even be able to handle it?

[MBM]

As someone who grew up in a very disfunctional home and was eventually emancipated at age 15, this situation really strikes a chord.

I actually had a fantastic aunt in my life. The fact that I knew she was always there for me, the fact that she made sure I knew that the circumstances/details of my life were NOT healthy or normal was huge. Always knowing that I had an escape plan was a little light inside I kept hidden. I am so glad to know that you are that light for her.

One thing she did for me: I will never forget the folded $100 bill she gave me to keep tucked away, along with a serious discussion of the necessity of keeping it as my safety net. She trusted that I would not abuse her trust in me...that alone was worth so much. Once I was safely emancipated and at college before my 16th bday I once offered to give it back. She refused and told me it was always good to have a net:) I STILL have that $100 bill, albeit in our home mini-safe, to remind me. My nephew is now in a rough situation and I have plans to pass it to him.

Obviously, this won't work for all kids. But it sounds as though it might for your niece. Knowing she can call you is fantastic! But if something happens she will need cash in hand, or prepaid debit card.

 

Honestly, I knew at the time that I was going to do my best to survive the situation. Helping her to formulate short-term and long-term goals is very helpful. Sometimes having that plan was all that got me through. It sounds like, since there is no immediate danger, no matter how unhealthy, she will have to endure for now. It sucks. Truly.

 

Best to her and your family as you show her a different way of life IS possible:)

 

Children need just one caring adult in their life who they feel is always there for them. That person is like a life jacket.

 

It is so good you keep in touch and let her know you are always there, Plateau Mom. You are very important in her life.

[shawthorne44]

I don't know. At her age it would be hard for her to come live here. She would be happier, I'm sure, but it would be an adjustment and the family would never talk to us again. Not that I care but DH would. We are talking with her about college and planting the seed that she could come out this way.

 

One thing to consider.  If she were emancipated, college would be a LOT easier.  Her parent's income wouldn't have to be considered for financial aid.  It sounds like just getting the parents to fill out the forms would be almost impossible.  

[shawthorne44]

  He has tried, more than once. His brother just tells him/us to stop parenting her.

Thank you. I have really tried to make sure that she knows this isn't normal, or healthy. I have really been stressing that, no matter what she is told, if she doesn't feel safe, for whatever reason she is to leave and that under no circumstance is she to allow anyone, ever, to even lay a finger on her, ever.

 

It just so upsetting that we even need to have this conversation.

 

Reply to the bolded, "Well someone has to".  

[Kerileanne99]

A couple of thoughts on emancipation. When it is the only real way, as it was for me at 15, it is a very reasonable option. But it is HARD. Just because you are legally an adult does not mean that the world treats you as one. I graduated HS at the same time and went on to college. And yes, as Shawthorne44 mentioned, emancipation there was a fantastic thing. If I had needed to have my parents involved I probably would have been unable to go, and the situation would have been perfect for fraud:(

And it was incredibly difficult. After a year I ended up joining the Army as I needed structure, support, and money to live.

Ironically enough, the Army made no distinction! I was legally an adult in boot camp and was thus treated the same, lol. But that is another story.

 

All that to say: emancipation, followed by coming to live with you would be a very reasonable option. A judge will not even consider If she is not financially able to support herself. Showing that she has a strong support network waiting in the wings will help. Emancipation and living on their own? This CAN be the best solution...but would be a very extreme case. I don't see that here and doubt a judge would either.

Still, have her keep a journal. What happened, when, who else was present. Take pictures. You do the same. That way, if emancipation ends up being the only viable solution you have a record to pull from.

[Plateau Mama]

Reply to the bolded, "Well someone has to".

 

I didn't say exactly this to him but something along those lines. As you can imagine, it didn't go over very well.   

Can she stay with the grandparents?

. While they are very involved and a great option in am emergency, long term it would not be a good idea.

[Plateau Mama]

I did some searching this morning. The state where she resides she cannot get emancipated without both parents permission and under no circumstance at 15. The only alternative is to try to get their parental rights terminated. As bad as they are they are not that bad. :-(.

[73349]

One other thing to be aware of is that she may reach her limit and instead of acting out, turn it on herself. Hopefully she feels like she can make through it to the end, especially since she has your support--but keep an eye out for anorexia, cutting, alcohol, etc.

[Harriet Vane]

I did some searching this morning. The state where she resides she cannot get emancipated without both parents permission and under no circumstance at 15. The only alternative is to try to get their parental rights terminated. As bad as they are they are not that bad. :-(.

 

I have been following this thread.  BTDT personally as well.

 

With the information you have presented here, this is not a DCFS case. There is no legally verifiable abuse (that you are aware of).

 

I doubt emancipation would be granted to a teen in these circumstances in most states. Her home just isn't bad enough.

 

As such, I would advise:

 

--Continue to be her touchstone with happy and normal.

 

--Be willing to talk honestly about her home life.

 

--Do NOT harp on her home life, rant about it, joke about it, or constantly bring it up. Let your home be a cocoon separate from her ugly home life. In other words, talk about it if she wants to or needs to or there is something specific that needs to be addressed; otherwise, don't talk about it.

 

--Coach her on how to live successfully with this. For her this means doing her chores, answering her phone, and staying away. She should be super-involved with clubs, church, school activities. She can also spend some time studying at the library. A job could really help as well.

 

--Do whatever it takes to stay friendly with her mother and father. No open hostility. Paste a smile on your face and be friendly no matter what. Staying in their good graces keeps your access to the needy teen open. You can let them know what you really think when the kids are no longer in any danger.

 

--Help facilitate her time with grandparents or other wonderful people. Encourage those awesome people to follow all of the above protocol.

 

--Have her over as much as possible. Talk on the phone regularly. Send her silly little notes and postcards. Keep being awesome and acting like family.

 

May God truly bless you for your kindness to this teen.