Paige Posted February 23, 2014 Share Posted February 23, 2014 What are your best tips for helping older kids/preteens (or anyone) succeed despite being challenged by executive functioning issues? I have a DC who really struggles with this and we try to plan ahead, make lists, etc., but I'm feeling like I could use some more tools. I really want to try to transition from me being responsible for helping him plan to him taking the initiative. I won't be there following him around when he's 20, so I want him to be prepared. He's only 12, but I know the time will pass quickly. Right now, I make lists for him, and he likes that, but doesn't necessarily follow through. I tell him to set his alarms and to make notes for himself, but he only does it when I tell him to. Any other ideas or any ideas to help him be more proactive instead of waiting for me to prompt him? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kbutton Posted February 23, 2014 Share Posted February 23, 2014 We are working through Smart But Scattered. They have a version for training teenagers as well. We have also read Smart But Scattered. We're in the thick of this as well, but with younger ones. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennifer-72 Posted February 23, 2014 Share Posted February 23, 2014 Well my guy is only 9, but something that has worked well here is having a big weekly planning meeting where I guide him through what events we have for the week and he writes it down in his planner, during this I ask him lots of those curiosity style questions about the things he might need for each outing we have and he notes that as well. Then every night he has to check his planner for the following day and get things ready and write out any reminders on his reminder board in our mud room. It took many weeks of him following me as I wrote down and prepared everything to then moving to having him start writing and preparing with me helping, now we are at the point where he does it mostly independently with me just doing a final check. We also use the goal, plan, do, check system. It is also known as the Cognitive Orientation to Occupational Performance (CO-OP). We had started using it for ds in OT and PT for his motor planning issues, but you can really apply it to anything. It is a framework that really works for ds. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeterPan Posted February 23, 2014 Share Posted February 23, 2014 Paige, 12 and 14 are WORLDS apart. It's going to come together. My dd at 12 was an idiot, and at 14 she's omniscient. :lol: I don't know about that CO-OP, but anything Jen says is good. I will tell you around here we use technology. Does he have an iPad or iPod or a calendar on the computer? There are TONS of to do and checklist apps, so you can try a bunch and see what you like. Also we are fastidious with our weekly checklist. EVERYTHING goes on there until it's automatic. If brushing their teeth is not automatic yet, put brushing their teeth on there. You mentioned the idea of initiative in your post. Are these things *he* wants to do (and thus things he'll put effort into) or things *you* want him to do? I think at the age of 12 you're likely to have to run *your* ideas yourself and will see his initiative only on things *he* wants to do. Now at 14 my dd can accept that some of my goals are her goals and that she should make them happen to, but even then she doesn't do it all on her own, kwim? She still wants me to make her weekly checklist, even though if she were taking full ownership she could make it herself without a prob. When my dd was that age, she had this tendency to start her school work at 10, then about 11 announce she wanted to go ice skating and ask what she had to get done in order to be able to go. And every time I had to be the Bad Guy and tell her she should have asked that the night before, the list stands, get started earlier or have a plan. Now, at 14, almost 15, she can handle it. (usually) So work on it, but you might have to give a lot more support for a lot longer than you anticipate. When you give him structure, you're getting him used to what it feels like to work efficiently and with structure. If anything, my one encouragement would be to find one thing in his day that he is doing because he wants to. He still might not be ready to handle it all himself, but just doing something that is HIS thing is good. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paige Posted February 23, 2014 Author Share Posted February 23, 2014 When my dd was that age, she had this tendency to start her school work at 10, then about 11 announce she wanted to go ice skating and ask what she had to get done in order to be able to go. And every time I had to be the Bad Guy and tell her she should have asked that the night before, the list stands, get started earlier or have a plan. Now, at 14, almost 15, she can handle it. (usually) So work on it, but you might have to give a lot more support for a lot longer than you anticipate. When you give him structure, you're getting him used to what it feels like to work efficiently and with structure. If anything, my one encouragement would be to find one thing in his day that he is doing because he wants to. He still might not be ready to handle it all himself, but just doing something that is HIS thing is good. My DS is just like that. Then he will moan that he is doomed because he'll never get his work done in time to do xyz. As far as whether it is stuff he wants to do vs what I want for him, I think it's a little of both. He wants to not be in trouble and to get privileges that go with fulfilling responsibilities, so he's motivated in that regard. He wants to hear...therefore you'd think he'd be motivated to put his hearing aids somewhere he can find them and then back in his ears. He wants to not get his hair cut, therefore he should be motivated to brush it. It's getting cut because it's become too much of a recurrent problem. He can't handle the hair as much as he wants it. I think the problem is connecting that his current actions are causing the future effects he doesn't like and he thinks "in a minute" will happen. I know that when he says "in a minute" it means never, but he hasn't recognized that yet and genuinely believes good intentions will be enough. He chafes under all the lists and reminder systems- he even moans that he's just not the type of person who likes to wake up with alarms...like anyone is? I have seen him improve significantly since he was 9/10, so it's good to hear that 14 may be even better. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeterPan Posted February 23, 2014 Share Posted February 23, 2014 Why are you waking him up with an alarm?? Maybe he's tired. My dd still needs a lot more sleep than usual. I've heard neurofeedback can help this, that it has to do with their theta/beta waves or something. Dunno, just saying you might axe the alarm. He's growing like a weed. My dd sleeps till 9, reads email till 9:30, showers and primps her beautiful self till 10:30, and begins her school work by 11. She then works like fury in her office until almost 5, at which point we make dinner. It's not exactly that precise, but I'm just saying you can still have an excellent education and get your sleep. If you can't solve the need for sleep, at least give him the sleep. Just my two cents. Um, the hair and whatnot isn't really what I'm talking about as far as HIS goals. Clearly brushing wasn't his goal, or he'd be doing it. He wants the hair with dreadlocks, lol. (no maintenance) The brushing was your goal. Have you read 1-2-3 Magic? They talk about the idea of logical consequences. You might want to try problem-solving together instead of having things be punitive. Getting the hearing aids in is a problem to solve, something that needs structure. For instance, I had to set VERY CLEAR parameters for my dd and ds. With my ds, there is no food till you're dressed. It's just how it is, no food. I'll let you sleep in till 10, yada yada, but you better be DRESSED if you're in my kitchen trying to eat breakfast. So for your boy dressed includes his ears in, kwim? And if he can't find them, you install a glass shelf in the bath and put a super cool camo cup or lego cup or whatever floats his boat in there on the shelf and you become fastidious, obsessive, that THIS is the only place. You create a flow at night: strip for shower, clothes in hamper, ears in the cup, toilet, shower. Kwim? It's structure, planning. It's your problem to make sure he has a consistent place that is part of a consistent routine and to enforce it. Sorry, you're probably already trying to do that, sigh. Keep trying. Maybe some aspect of that was missing like the location or that it has to be part of an enforced sequence of steps. You might have a heart to heart and establish some new goals together and make some changes. Oh, put those ears on the daily work checklist if you want. We used to squabble over reading glasses for my dd, till she got bifocal contacts. Now she puts them in as part of her morning routine. Maybe he likes quiet in the morning and doesn't want his ears till he starts school work or finishes breakfast? Maybe they need a totally different location like by the frig so he can put them on after he eats? That way you'd always know where they are too... Did we already mention this book? Organizing Solutions for People with ADHD, 2nd Edition-Revised and Updated: Tips and Tools to Help You Take Charge... Awesome book, made me see so many things differently and see the holes where I was letting stress creep up on me with stuff and not creating structure. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paige Posted February 23, 2014 Author Share Posted February 23, 2014 He wants to wake up early (he has this idea that he's a morning person) because he likes having quiet time in the morning to chill. He wants to be done with his work by 2 or 3, which is not possible if he doesn't begin his work before 10. I tried letting him have the entire morning to himself and we did his work after lunch when everyone else was done but he was miserable and felt he had no time to play with the neighbor kids. It was true, but he can't have it both ways! We got him the alarm because he was frustrated with himself for sleeping in. He's free to go to bed early. He wants to wake up early before me and get his own breakfast. He's supposed to be dressed and ready yet it just doesn't happen. The ears- he's supposed to put them in before he does anything else but he doesn't always. He has a case for them in a special place, but he doesn't put them there. He takes them out randomly if they bug him. He can't talk on the phone with them and he can't brush his hair with them. I want to not chase him around the house asking about them or have him flipping out because he lost them. If he doesn't have them in, it's too frustrating to try to talk to him. You can't have a conversation. He puts them down and intends to put them in the case, but then forgets. He has a chart to earn rewards that he wants- filled with prizes he's asked for, yet rarely succeeds. We are trying to minimize punitive punishments, because he already feels like such a failure and is frustrated with himself. We have had some goal planning sessions and he's receptive and excited, but follow through is a problem. He has OCD and possibly ADD, and I know the internal dialogue in his head is highly distracting to him. I think part of it is also we didn't know he couldn't hear until about a year ago- he was so good at faking it- and he has some delays and deficiencies from not hearing and some bad habits he was using to compensate that we are working through. I'll look at that book. I was a disorganized kid, but he is more like a mad professor. He's freakishly smart in some areas yet mind blowingly dumb in other areas...like many preteens, I'm sure. I'm going to look into everything suggested and appreciate the comments. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeterPan Posted February 23, 2014 Share Posted February 23, 2014 Has he had full psych evals at this point? And a speech/language eval? And have you added up the total of his work for the day to see what he's looking at? 5 hours seems like a pretty reasonable amount of time to me for 7th (age 12?). If he reads for an hour at night, that leaves 4 hours during the day, which means he could work 11:30-3:30 and still play. You could break it up some like that or cut some deals. That's awesome that he's so personally motivated. I'd probably flex the academics to bring his goal within reach, honestly. It sounds very important to him, and success there might give him a point to build from, kwim? Like you could make it 3 hours during the day in order to go play with friends at 3pm, 1 hour in the evening for "homework" and one hour before bed of reading. Yes, my dd wakes up slowly, which is why there's two hours between when she rises and when she is really in gear, lol. Does he have any sensory issues behind the discomfort with the ears, or is that a normal part of the process? I know it took me multiple tries to get my glasses right. Finally I went to *9* stores, till I found a place with something I could wear without bugging the tar out of me for sensory! Now I know what I need, so they're perfect every time. Is he able to carry some kind of little case in his pocket, like an altoids tin or something, so he always has a dependable place to put them if he wants them out? I agree that would be horribly frustrating to have them just end up wherever! Yes, girls and boys will look very different and have different timetables. 12 is what drove us to evals. Very frustrating age. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kbutton Posted February 23, 2014 Share Posted February 23, 2014 Well my guy is only 9, but something that has worked well here is having a big weekly planning meeting where I guide him through what events we have for the week and he writes it down in his planner, during this I ask him lots of those curiosity style questions about the things he might need for each outing we have and he notes that as well. Then every night he has to check his planner for the following day and get things ready and write out any reminders on his reminder board in our mud room. It took many weeks of him following me as I wrote down and prepared everything to then moving to having him start writing and preparing with me helping, now we are at the point where he does it mostly independently with me just doing a final check. This sounds so good (other than having to actually do it EVERY DAY, lol!). I am hoping to do something like this with mine, and it's good to hear that it can work. Is your son inconsistent with moods, ability to actually DO things, etc.? Mine is (Aspie), and that has derailed a lot of efforts--some days he can do math, other days, only the language part of the brain is working. Some days he can read all day, other days, he can't stop talking, lol! If you've dealt with this, it would be interesting to hear how. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennifer-72 Posted February 24, 2014 Share Posted February 24, 2014 This sounds so good (other than having to actually do it EVERY DAY, lol!). I am hoping to do something like this with mine, and it's good to hear that it can work. Is your son inconsistent with moods, ability to actually DO things, etc.? Mine is (Aspie), and that has derailed a lot of efforts--some days he can do math, other days, only the language part of the brain is working. Some days he can read all day, other days, he can't stop talking, lol! If you've dealt with this, it would be interesting to hear how. I haven't really had any experience with the above, of course we do have the odd day where I can pretty much tell we won't be getting anything done.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeterPan Posted February 24, 2014 Share Posted February 24, 2014 I haven't really had any experience with the above, of course we do have the odd day where I can pretty much tell we won't be getting anything done.... We call them our Mary Poppins days. :lol: The wind is blowing and she's just off somewhere, who knows where... Sometimes it's that she has been working too hard and is worn out, needing a break. Sometimes the wind is literally blowing! I dunno, pretty wild. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.