urthmama Posted February 4, 2014 Share Posted February 4, 2014 Hi there! Not sure if this is the right board- if not, please feel free to move! I am a homeschooling mom to 3 young children - I live in California. This post is not about me/my kids, but about my (half) brother who is 18 years younger than me...he is 18 years old and a freshman in college in Indiana. He has had an emotionally hard upbringing for various reasons - I live 2000+ miles away, so I am trying to be a help to him but obviously, geographically, I cannot be there for him right now. He has always had a hard time in school. He was not tested for any learning challenges, except that he was diagnosed ADHD in his senior year of high school. He had received that diagnosis as a young elementary student, but my mom said she did not want him labeled...so he received no help or intervention. Last year he graduated high school with a 2.0 gpa, and was admitted to a private Christian university. I helped him with his application and they took a chance on him. He is a very sweet kid, very bright, decent SAT scores...and zero ability to study and/or focus. I thought everything was going okay this past semester, but I was wrong. Well, long story short- he did not show up to any of his finals in the Fall and now has a .4 gpa. Not a 2.4...not a 1.4...no, just a .4. He does not have the funds to continue going to this private university next year - so now he is looking at transferring to his State school (he wants to go to IU-Bloomington). He is open to transferring to the Community College first, and getting his grades up enough to transfer. 1) However- how does one bring their GPA up from a .4????? It just seems like he is in a very dark, deep hole with that. 2) How can I help him so that this does not happen again??? He is always saying: Don't worry, I've got this. I can do this. But the truth is, he can't. He does not have a support network at all. I did not either at his age, but I also did not have some of the issues he seems to have. I don't mean that in a bad way - it's just something is different about him. He wants to follow-through, he wants to study...but when I asked him, he said he literally does not know how to study. He does not know how to sit down with a book and study. 3) Would it be wise to have him tested for other things besides ADHD? I feel at a loss for how to help him from so far away. I have been a good resource for him for a lot of things (like getting him into college, for example) - but now I wonder if going to college was a mistake because now he has this abysmal GPA that will follow him for the rest of his college career (and possibly beyond). I don't know how to support him becoming a better student. Again - I am not there, so I cannot be a day to day influence (my kids are ages 2, 4, and 7) - I want him to succeed...I REALLY do. I just feel at a loss for how to help him and I don't want him to screw up his life. He is a very good person - he just is failing miserably, and I honestly worry about him... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted February 4, 2014 Share Posted February 4, 2014 I don't know how easy it will be get an accurate assessment that he can afford since he is now an adult, but yes he needs to be assessed, if at all possible, for learning issues ASAP, and preferrably through a neuropsychologist, not a school. Hopefully, they can determine not just his weaknesses but his strengths (which the weaknesses may be masking and vice versa). And getting that assessment may give him the ability to get accommodations in college. And hopefully remediation and other support for whatever issues he may have so he has a chance to thrive, not just survive. You might consider reading The Mislabeled Child by Brock and Fernette Eide and see if anything there speaks to issues your brother may have. A very informative book. So sorry he is going through this. Hopefully someone else can chime in with more suggestions. Best wishes and big hugs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
urthmama Posted February 4, 2014 Author Share Posted February 4, 2014 Thank you so much - I will get that book - The Mislabeled Child. I had a long talk with him this evening - and asked him to speak to his college advisor and see if he can get all his courses from last semester changed from the grade of F to W, since he did not show up to the final exams. I want to help him so badly, and I do not want to enable him. It's a hard thing- wanting to be a net for someone (in the limited way that I can, being 2000+ miles away and not being his parent) - but on the other hand, I don't want my help to hurt him...I don't want to enable him. I felt like he was given a fresh start with college (putting his high school grades behind him) - but now I see that going to college was probably the wrong move for him right out of the gates. He wanted to go to college so badly, and it seemed like a good thing for him at that time in his life, especially this small, close-knit Christian university. I hoped he would find a good group of friends and, while I did not expect him to be an A student, I figured he'd muddle through decently. I don't know how to advise him going forward. I am doing a lot of listening to him - and trying to be supportive of what he wants. All I see, though, that for whatever reason - he cannot follow through on his intentions and has a complete inability to be organized/focused. It is so hard to watch him struggling. He is very sweet, charming, and nice. I worry that he is drinking too much - I worry about alcoholism, honestly. I just worry! Thanks for listening. I will talk to him about private testing and see if perhaps we can find someone to do that - perhaps even his college advisor will know what to do??? I think he was taking medication during high school (end of senior year) - but now I think he may have stopped. Not sure- I will ask. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted February 4, 2014 Share Posted February 4, 2014 He probably has great difficulty with Executive Function. This is more common than a lot of people realize and does not have to occur with other issues, but frequently can. This is not an easy thing and he almost certainly needs scaffolding to help him gain some control and structure in his life. This is a function of the brain that is not working properly. He is not lazy or uncaring. He needs help. Maybe read the book Smart But Scattered. I think there is a teen version, too, that might apply more. It may help you to make useful, specific suggestions for how he may be able to help himself get better organized. You are not enabling him, you are giving him a chance. I have EF issues, as does most of my family. It can be debilitating. Reading that book has helped us. There are others, but I can't recall the titles off the top of my head. Hopefully, someone else can chime in. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted February 4, 2014 Share Posted February 4, 2014 And as for the drinking, that can be a huge issue, obviously, but he may have started down that path to subconsciously self-medicate. Or deal with depression since college did not turn out the way he had hoped. He can still make it, though, if he gets the help and scaffolding he needs to function in that environment. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
urthmama Posted February 4, 2014 Author Share Posted February 4, 2014 Thanks so much. I will look into that book, as well - and also do some research about Executive Functioning. I am glad to know that I am helping him - and I definitely want to be a positive influence in his life - scaffolding, if you will. He needs more than me - so I will work on getting him local support. I do see how alcohol could be him self-medicating. His dad (my stepfather) - died 18 months ago after a 5 year battle with colon cancer, and my mom lost her job and had a complete nervous breakdown. His academic problems began before that, so that is not the cause - but I do believe he needs some sort of support and extra intervention because he cannot get it together to organize himself or follow-through, even though he is well smart enough and motivated. Thanks for listening - it feels very nice to have people to talk to about this who are not judging him harshly and who can understand... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted February 4, 2014 Share Posted February 4, 2014 Thanks so much. I will look into that book, as well - and also do some research about Executive Functioning. I am glad to know that I am helping him - and I definitely want to be a positive influence in his life - scaffolding, if you will. He needs more than me - so I will work on getting him local support. I do see how alcohol could be him self-medicating. His dad (my stepfather) - died 18 months ago after a 5 year battle with colon cancer, and my mom lost her job and had a complete nervous breakdown. His academic problems began before that, so that is not the cause - but I do believe he needs some sort of support and extra intervention because he cannot get it together to organize himself or follow-through, even though he is well smart enough and motivated. Thanks for listening - it feels very nice to have people to talk to about this who are not judging him harshly and who can understand... Big, big hugs. :grouphug: My brother has difficulties, too. He is very bright, but has had difficulties with certain areas since childhood. I fully understand and wish you both the very best. And you are right, there is only so much you can do from so far away. Getting him local support he will accept would be huge, especially if it is from a source that genuinely understands his issues and isn't judging. My grandmother was a wonderful lady and I dearly adored her. But she was not very understanding of my brother's speech and coordination issues, etc. And it hurt him, much as they loved each other. If I think of anything else, I will post. Heading to bed now, but I usually am up by 6 so about 4 hours from now. :) I am certain that others will post once they are up and checking in. Lots of great people on this board. Best wishes! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1shortmomto4 Posted February 4, 2014 Share Posted February 4, 2014 I would have him set up an appointment with the Disability Counselor versus the "guidance" counselor at the college. They have a wealth of information and can, perhaps, point him in the right direction and get him the help he needs. He really needs an advocate to speak for him and lead him towards the right paths to get the help he needs - but, in our society these days they call that helicoptering - be it from mom/dad or a sister. I am a mom of a college sophomore who is hearing impaired and his first year was a major, big transition. He went to the local CC and that first semester was so key in setting success for the future. Even though I had home schooled him, blah blah, he knew how to study, etc. he still needed that support until he found his feet, confidence and voice to get strong and take the lead in his life as he stepped into adulthood. I wouldn't focus on the bad GPA - what is done is done - all of you need to move forward and focus on his future goals - whatever they may be. Discussions about what he'd like to do in the future - how is he going to get there? etc. He needs someone who cares and is an advocate - don't worry about hovering at this point - you'll know when to back off and let him fly solo. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeterPan Posted February 4, 2014 Share Posted February 4, 2014 Has he tried talking with the college to see if they'll help him do anything to get those grades back up? You never know till you talk with the profs. They might have pity. Is he in northern or southern Indiana? If he's in northern, he might want to look into a factory job or technical school for a trade. Both would lead to a steady, livable income and give him the option to go back to college later. If he didn't succeed at a small christian college where they would have given him personal attention and support, he's SURE NOT going to succeed at IU-Bloomington, lol. I went there for two summers for the Slavic Languages Institute, and it's a big place! My family all lives in Indiana (northern), and I went to school in Muncie, near Anderson. I'm just saying I've been all over his stomping grounds, and that doesn't seem very realistic. I don't want to offend anybody, but to me parts of Indiana are very hopeless for teens to live in. Their options are factory jobs or Chick-fil-A. I grew up with kids like that, and it was so not fun for them. Some bust free or go to college. Honestly, he'd be much wiser to go to one of the branch IU schools. He'd get more personal attention, have smaller classes, and live more affordably. I've known multiple people who went to IUSB (IU-South Bend) happily, since that's near my family. It's NOT necessary or even advisable for him to go to the main campus, not in his state. In his situation, I'd look into a trade school or factory job and reconsider college later for a business degree. That's what my brother finally did, and his IQ is presumably every bit as high as mine. He went to Florida btw. He fishes every day, never has to deal with the depressing snow, and there are terrific singles and rehab support groups within the very large churches there. Indiana can be VERY depressing, with the long winters, lack of jobs, etc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted February 4, 2014 Share Posted February 4, 2014 Love the other suggestions! Hopefully, a lot of that helps. Oh, and I remembered another book someone had recommended to me and thought I would mention it, just in case. "ADD-Friendly Ways to Organize Your Life" by Judith Kolberg and Kathleen Nadeau. I haven't read it yet. I bought a used copy and it just came in the mail yesterday. This week especially for some reason I am really having to force myself to stay on task. I feel so totally unfocused and it is really frustrating. I am not ADD/ADHD that I know of, but somedays I do wonder...I am going to start reading that book this afternoon. Best wishes... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
urthmama Posted February 6, 2014 Author Share Posted February 6, 2014 OhElizabeth - thank you so much! I am from Indiana originally (went to college at IU-Bloomington) - so I totally understand what you're saying!!! He has SO MUCH freaking pride and is very stubborn- which I guess is normal for being 19 years old - but anyway, he will not do a factory job or go to trade school. I have been trying to get him to move to CA and go to community college here, then transfer - but he will not. He has a lot of friends in Indiana and does not want to move away. I also floated to him the idea of joining the military - but he was very much against that, as well. I think the structure would be great for him - but...yea, he is not listening to me. So - I don't know what to do about him except present opportunities to him and hope he listens and does not self-destruct. We all have to learn our lessons- it's just hard to be on the other side, watching objectively - while he is in the middle and cannot see how his decisions and unwillingness to accept help are causing him harm... Thanks for listening! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ElizabethB Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 :grouphug: EF reading might be a good start. Also, how is his reading and spelling? If you are not reading at the 12th grade level, it makes college very hard. I have some tests online, you could give them to him over the phone if you each have a copy. If he is reading below 12th grade level, he could watch my phonics lessons. http://www.thephonicspage.org/On%20Reading/readinggradeleve.html I would start with the Quick Screen Reading Grade level test, that is the quickest and easiest one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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