What's a Mother to do...for a Gap Year?

[bugs]

I am just no sure what I should be doing, if anything, to assist my daughter while she's taking a gap year.  She has not applied to any school because she doesn't know what she wants to do.  I thought I would be spending this year like so many of you, helping my child navigate the college search and application waters. I was looking forward to it.  Now...I don't know what to look forward to. I love to plan (especially someone else's life - lol).  Her only plan during her gap year is to work (she lifeguards at the Y) and volunteer with TKD.  Maybe I am just beginning to feel the end of my time as a homeschool mom and am floundering.  My son would like to go the route of his sister next year and take a full load of cc classes.

 

If you can read though my short ramblings and figure out for me what I really need, I would appreciate you letting me know.  If you haven't a clue - that's okay as well; thanks for reading.

[AmyontheFarm]

You might need a new hobby, perhaps spinning wool, raising chickens or repainting things?  This is a fear of mine.  Six years and I'm done, it scares me to death! and I've been told I'm not allowed to fail my son in grade 12 repeatedly.

[TechWife]

I second the idea of finding a hobby. I'm learning to quilt in preparation of my empty nest. It's a hobby that comes with a community as well, so I've been slowly getting to know new people. It's a great creative outlet.

[Nan in Mass]

I just sent my youngest off to college.  In theory, I am now an empty nester... in theory...

What really has happened is that I have two adult children and one extra "at home" and one in a nearby college.  I am still spending several hours a day parenting - everything from preparing bag lunches to tutoring math to helping with transportation to making doctor appointments to long discussions about life.  It actually looks a lot like pre-empty-nest life except that I am released from the daily routine of homeschooling, which I am finding is a big relief.  I miss my little ones a lot but I am continuing to mind my 3yo nephew while my sister is at work.  My parents are getting older and I am spending more time at their house.  The time I used to spend on homeschooling I now spend on my parents.  In preparation for empty-nesting, I picked a second career for myself and I have been working hard at that, but finding time for it is difficult.  It isn't as though my children all grew up and moved to California.  They are still here and I am still Mum and we are still a family.  Being a family takes time.  My parents are still putting time into me, my husband, and their grandchildren.  I guess what I am trying to say is that you will have less time than you think, and that it is well worth continuing to do some of the parenting things you've been doing all along for your children.  (Mine tend to take care of themselves for dinner and they drive themselves around, among other things, but I still take son's dog to the vet.)  We can raise the standard of living for everyone in the family if we stick together and continue to function as a family rather than as individual households.  I do think this adults-living-together sort of family works better if Mum has interests other than "the children".  That way, the support and interest and help flow both ways (which is lovely, speaking as the mum lol) and the children have concrete evidence that they are being allowed to be grown up.  We have house rules, which the parents get to set as the homeowners, which all adults in the house, including the parents, follow, which helps, also.  This is a bit of a muddle, too. : )  Hopefully what I'm trying to say is coming through.

 

For those of you who are dreading this time - my best advice is to try to build in overlap, so that you don't just start your new occupations after your old occupations leave home (if they leave).

 

Nan

[bugs]

Thank you for the hobby idea; I have never really been a hobby person (my issue). I have been more of a work (with projects), fitness and travel person.  (I am s.l.o.w.l.y. learning to garden.) I think of homeschooling kind of like a project: I get to plan (my favorite part), and implement the plan.  I see my son still is just a sophomore so he for sure will be at home for a couple of years more but my planning days in this project are dwindling. Nan, I do see myself still filling the roll of mom and daughter -in-law (my dad lives across the country) but I am anxious about the rest of it.  I guess it is transition to an unknown, in some ways scary, but in some ways thrilling.  

 

I guess, I never really had a plan when I first started the homeschool scene; my kindergarten daughter asked to stay home and there I have been.  Perhaps the next phase of my life will start in a similar way.   

[Nan in Mass]

Bugs - It really helped that my children decided that it was really exciting that I was getting to reinvent myself.  They spent quite a bit of time and energy thinking about it and enthusing.  That helped me to see the beginning part of the ending and make sure that I took full advantage of the situation.  Instead of just drifting into the next stage and filling the supposedly masses of extra time with escape reading and walks and the things I had done before homeschooling became so time consuming, I picked a new career and talked about the future in those terms.  I was a lot more focused than I might otherwise have been.  I tried to set a good example for my children, who are also beginning things.

 

Not that waiting and seeing what arrives isn't a good an approach.  My children just happened to have other ideas.  : )

 

Nan

[regentrude]

I am already apprehensive about my DD graduating in May. I'll still have DS at home, but he is an introvert and prefers me to have minimal involvement.

 

Nan, what you write about your extended family sounds lovely and makes me so jealous! My parents, siblings and nieces are overseas; DD will move away for college and grad school, and any later job for her will not be here either (heck, DH and I were not even able to choose the country for our job). So I won't get a chance to invest time in family.

 

I currently work about 25 hours/week in a job that I really enjoy, but I won't get more hours. I am at a complete loss what to do as an empty-nester, because that job does not fill my time. I'd love to go back to school just for the heck of it, but I want a challenge: I want to excel at something nobody would expect from me - i.e. NOT more math and science; that would be sort of lame since I already have a PhD in physics. I'd love to branch out and study something humanities related or music, alas, my university does not offer enough courses I would like to take (STEM focused, very few humanities majors with very limited course selections).

And I do not want to end up filling my time being on boards and committees with other middle age and elderly ladies discussing seemingly important functions over lunch, shudder.

 

Sigh. Sorry for hijacking, this has been very much on my mind lately.

 

ETA: Nan, would you mind sharing what your 2nd career ooks like?

[bugs]

 

And I do not want to end up filling my time being on boards and committees with other middle age and elderly ladies discussing seemingly important functions over lunch, shudder.

 

:iagree: Exactly!

 

 

ETA: Nan, would you mind sharing what your 2nd career ooks like?

 

:lurk5:  Me too.

 

I don't feel it's hijacked. You and others often put into words what I am feeling better than I can.

[Nan in Mass]

I am already apprehensive about my DD graduating in May. I'll still have DS at home, but he is an introvert and prefers me to have minimal involvement.

 

Nan, what you write about your extended family sounds lovely and makes me so jealous! My parents, siblings and nieces are overseas; DD will move away for college and grad school, and any later job for her will not be here either (heck, DH and I were not even able to choose the country for our job). So I won't get a chance to invest time in family.

 

I currently work about 25 hours/week in a job that I really enjoy, but I won't get more hours. I am at a complete loss what to do as an empty-nester, because that job does not fill my time. I'd love to go back to school just for the heck of it, but I want a challenge: I want to excel at something nobody would expect from me - i.e. NOT more math and science; that would be sort of lame since I already have a PhD in physics. I'd love to branch out and study something humanities related or music, alas, my university does not offer enough courses I would like to take (STEM focused, very few humanities majors with very limited course selections).

And I do not want to end up filling my time being on boards and committees with other middle age and elderly ladies discussing seemingly important functions over lunch, shudder.

 

Sigh. Sorry for hijacking, this has been very much on my mind lately.

 

ETA: Nan, would you mind sharing what your 2nd career ooks like?

 

regentrude -

 

 

 

I'm sorry about your extended family being so far away.  We feel so lucky that my husband and the other family people with jobs have managed some how or other to keep us all together.  We aren't living exactly where we would have chosen (except my parents and one bil) and there has definately been some career and financial sacrifice involved but nobody has had to give up their career entirely.  I'm sure it would not be doable if we had even one physicist in the family, to say nothing of two.  I can see your problem.

 

 

 

My mother began filling her extra time with a large land use project (she was a biologist before children), turned down the job of town planner (too depressing), and instead became involved with the garden club.  (She also worked part time in a flower shop for awhile.)  I think she could tolerate the meetings because even though everyone else took them very seriously, she knew they weren't.  She didn't want to do anything too serious.  She chose something frivolous on purpose so there would be no conflict between her family commitments and her passtime.

 

 

 

I share your horror of committee meetings, I already have a save-the-world project, I wanted to learn something new, and I needed something portable with flexible hours.  I spent months thinking about what I'd like to do.  Finally, I settled on something that sounded fun to do on a daily basis but which would still be a major challenge - painting.  One of its advantages is that it is possible to be self-taught.  The more I thought about it, the more I liked the idea of teaching myself rather than taking classes.  I have taken lessons, but mostly, I happily muddle along on my own with the help of the public library and my family's opinions.  My mother had some art classes in college and has been a big help.  It also has the advantage that it is emotionally absorbing, although not as much as music would be.

 

 

 

What does it look like?  It looks like me going straight out to my half of the garden shed as soon as my husband leaves in the morning (about 7) and painting or drawing until I am supposed to be doing something else, like going to my mother's or going to pick up my nephew.  Or I take my painting stuff or my sketchpad and go sit in the woods or on the shore.  I discovered I can't put a load of laundry in or check my email first or I never get to painting.  Sometimes in the evenings, I draw or look at library books or work on my website.  Every week, my mother and I paint together at her house.  I rather sniffed at the whole idea of an artistic community at first, but it is true that it is easier to make progress if you have someone to critique your work, and it is much easier to figure out the business end of being an artist if you know other local artists.  A community can also be important to your goals.  It is helpful, when picking a career, to define what that career is to you.  In my case, this meant specifying what I had to do in order to be comfortable calling myself an artist.  Not a "good" artist, mind you, or even a "successful" one; the better you become, the higher your standards become.  What really happened is that I wound up defining "bad artist" to myself.  I needed a point at which I could tell myself I was now "doing" the career, not just training for the career, since I was both teaching myself and working for myself.

 

 

 

I picked something I would like actually doing while I was doing it, not something I would like to study or something I liked the idea of being or something I was already good at or something that I liked the end product of.  I didn't want something that was going to tear me in two between conflicting commitments, like balancing my family commitments with a care-giving job.  I already have enough care-giving jobs. : )

 

 

 

My sister decided she'd like to tutor adults.  She took enough classes at a local college to get her ESL certificate and now has several clients.  She is teaching much more than English.  She has taught math, how to get one's driver's license, how to find second hand clothes, and other things that are important when one switches to a new country.  It is a volunteer job.  One of my cousins became a financial advisor for people who are incapable of taking care of their own finances.  A mathematician in-law who used to teach math became a financial advisor to the very elderly.  Other family members have become involved with community theatre or chorus.  Someone is writing a novel.

 

 

 

If you did music, you might be able to use a combination of mooc's and private instrumental lessons rather than working towards a second degree?  You would have to decide what you want to do with your music, rather like me having to define what I wanted to do with my painting.

 

 

 

A lot depends on how lucrative you need your next career to be, as well.

 

 

 

 Not sure how helpful all that is.  It is funny that this topic arose now.  I just got done showing some of my paintings for the first time in public, and was coming to post on the board about it.  It was only a church fair, but I am still excited.  I even sold a painting!  I have a website now, too.

 

 

 

Nan

 

 

 

PS - After my parents, I think my best comfort for empty-nest-ness is the dog.  And the cat.  I feel pretty stupid admitting it.  The painting is great but I can't hug it and it doesn't need me.

 

[regentrude]

Nan, thanks for sharing your experience. That sounds interesting, and you sound as if you have a lot of fun with it.

 

Are you an introvert? I am extremely extroverted (which, in hindsight, explains why I am so much happier teaching than doing scientific research), so going off into a study to pursue a solitary occupation would not work for me at all, LOL. Which also means that I dislike online classes, because my primary motivation for taking classes would be to be in an actual room with live fellow students and a live instructor. I would need to be involved in a community to pursue whatever it is I am doing, and I would like recognition from actual people for whatever I am doing well. (Sounds shallow, doesn't it? But that's being an ESFJ...)

 

If you did music, you might be able to use a combination of mooc's and private instrumental lessons rather than working towards a second degree?  You would have to decide what you want to do with your music, rather like me having to define what I wanted to do with my painting.

 

I am a singer, not an instrumentalist. Presently, I sing in one choir and will, once DD graduates highschool, add back the second choir in which I sang for a number of years as well. At 45, I am too old to make music a career as a classical singer. Not a chance. There was one single private teacher in our town who had the qualifications I would want (former professional classically trained singer). I took lessons from her for some years, but she has now retired for health reasons. The other voice teachers do not have the background that I am looking for. I guess I don't want this badly enough to justify driving 100 miles to the city for weekly lessons.

But I think, maybe I'll pick up piano again - if one of the good teachers will have me.

 

Again, MOOCs do nothing for me. I can learn stuff from books just fine and do not need a canned course - I would want to take classes to interact with the people there. I am taking a music history class this year, and I dearly love the teacher, who is a friend - but despite it being an in-seat class, there is too little interaction, mainly just lecture, no class discussions, and the other students do not seem terribly enthusiastic, sigh. Not what I had hoped.

 

What I'd do with it, I have no idea. I just like music, making music, learning about music, talking about music. It would be like you, the process being the  fun. Getting a  degree would be mainly to show myself that I can do it :-)

A lot depends on how lucrative you need your next career to be, as well.

 

With my teaching job and DH's job, there is no need for whatever occupation I choose to actually pay. I'd be happy just doing something :-)

 

Btw, thanks for letting me think out loud - I find this brainstorming very helpful.

 

[Nan in Mass]

 

Nan, thanks for sharing your experience. That sounds interesting, and you sound as if you have a lot of fun with it.

 

Are you an introvert? I am extremely extroverted (which, in hindsight, explains why I am so much happier teaching than doing scientific research), so going off into a study to pursue a solitary occupation would not work for me at all, LOL. Which also means that I dislike online classes, because my primary motivation for taking classes would be to be in an actual room with live fellow students and a live instructor. I would need to be involved in a community to pursue whatever it is I am doing, and I would like recognition from actual people for whatever I am doing well. (Sounds shallow, doesn't it? But that's being an ESFJ...)

 

 

I am a singer, not an instrumentalist. Presently, I sing in one choir and will, once DD graduates highschool, add back the second choir in which I sang for a number of years as well. At 45, I am too old to make music a career as a classical singer. Not a chance. There was one single private teacher in our town who had the qualifications I would want (former professional classically trained singer). I took lessons from her for some years, but she has now retired for health reasons. The other voice teachers do not have the background that I am looking for. I guess I don't want this badly enough to justify driving 100 miles to the city for weekly lessons.

But I think, maybe I'll pick up piano again - if one of the good teachers will have me.

 

Again, MOOCs do nothing for me. I can learn stuff from books just fine and do not need a canned course - I would want to take classes to interact with the people there. I am taking a music history class this year, and I dearly love the teacher, who is a friend - but despite it being an in-seat class, there is too little interaction, mainly just lecture, no class discussions, and the other students do not seem terribly enthusiastic, sigh. Not what I had hoped.

 

What I'd do with it, I have no idea. I just like music, making music, learning about music, talking about music. It would be like you, the process being the  fun. Getting a  degree would be mainly to show myself that I can do it :-)

 

With my teaching job and DH's job, there is no need for whatever occupation I choose to actually pay. I'd be happy just doing something :-)

 

Btw, thanks for letting me think out loud - I find this brainstorming very helpful.

 

 

I'm an introvert.  I'm not an extreme one and the daily interaction with family plus a few friends plenty.  I completely understand your wish for recognition from live people.  If you are shallow then I am high and dry lol.  I was not pleased with myself when I figured out that I wanted to sell my paintings.  Music for me is mostly a private thing.  I like singing in groups and I adore singing with my sisters and I do occasionally get talked into singing in public, but I am much happier singing at home.  The same applies to the other instruments I dabble with.  I was rather upset when I realized this didn't seem to apply when I began thinking of the painting in terms of a new career.  I also understand about the online classes.  I would rather teach myself, too.  (Except for foreign languages.  And possibly musical instruments.)  I see the problem with the singing.  Every chorus my family has been involved with hired professionals for the solo parts.  One seems to be able to get away with not having trained from the time one was small for the non-classical stuff, but not the classical.  One of my sisters sings with a small group of women (12?), all sorts of music, much of it international folk.  She is finding that highly satisfactory.  The group is small enough that there is none of the anonymity of a large chorus or choir.  She has had some training but not as much as most of the rest.  They had a full house at their last concert and have been invited to sing in some rather prestigious local places.  The concerts are not free.  My sister is finding this amount of recognition very nice and she is loving getting to know the other members of the group.  This is taking up quite a lot of time and energy.  I think it might be harder to find a group that sings all classical pieces, though?  Especially in your area?  And it doesn't solve the problem of your training.

 

Could you do some sort of historical research and publish the results?  Something that involves interviewing people, not studying documents?  Or cultural geography?  Or sociology?

 

Nan

[regentrude]

Music for me is mostly a private thing.  I like singing in groups and I adore singing with my sisters and I do occasionally get talked into singing in public, but I am much happier singing at home. 

 

My mothers was an opera singer and later professor for voice at the conservatory. While we did make lots of music at home,  the real thing was music performed in public. I attended many, many concerts, from my first opera at age 5 (with mom singing the lead role). Being an opera singer would have been my dream job. Sadly, massive doses of parental discouragement contributed to this never happening.

 

One of my sisters sings with a small group of women (12?), all sorts of music, much of it international folk.  She is finding that highly satisfactory.  The group is small enough that there is none of the anonymity of a large chorus or choir.  She has had some training but not as much as most of the rest.  They had a full house at their last concert and have been invited to sing in some rather prestigious local places.  The concerts are not free.  My sister is finding this amount of recognition very nice and she is loving getting to know the other members of the group.

 

I would love that! For some years, I sang with a smaller group that was singing Renaissance music. It was wonderful, but our director eventually retired.

 

I think it might be harder to find a group that sings all classical pieces, though?  Especially in your area?  And it doesn't solve the problem of your training.

 

Our town does not have any  singers with a professional classical training, other than my former teacher. We are 100 miles from the city. People with serious aspirations travel to the city for lessons. There are a few trained pianists in our town who teach piano (and some also voice). The university does not have a music major; we have a music department, but since no major is offered, the class selections are very limited. The lack of music culture is, to me, one of the biggest drawbacks of the town.

The choirs are actually quite good, but it is not enough.

 

Could you do some sort of historical research and publish the results?  Something that involves interviewing people, not studying documents?  Or cultural geography?  Or sociology?

 

Sociology? Shudder. I am a physicist. I prefer the concrete, provable, truth that is independent of viewpoint. I have a visceral dislike for disciplines that are open to personal interpretation and political agendas (growing up under a communist dictatorship takes care of that). 

 

I am thinking of maybe putting my feelers out to see if I can mentor some student organization on campus or such. Not sure what is possible, since I am not a "regular" professor.

[Nan in Mass]

LOL - I shudder at the idea of doing one of the soft sciences, too.  I was trying to think of something with lots of social interaction.  And my family has done its fair share of discouraging careers like opera singer or artist.  Sigh.  I have a ton of family support NOW but if I had announced that I wanted to be an artist when I was 18, the reaction would have been very different.

 

The people in my recorder group range in age from 85 to 90 some odd.  Even here, I think I will have trouble finding a similar group of a suitably amateur level.

 

Mentoring a student group is a good idea.

 

I know you can't do opera, but what about theatre?  Is there a community one that is reasonable?  Ours does dreadful stuff.

 

The older I get, the more I appreciate the advantages of where I am living.  I thought I wanted to live on an island in Maine.  Perhaps not.

 

Nan

[regentrude]

 

 

I know you can't do opera, but what about theatre?  Is there a community one that is reasonable?  Ours does dreadful stuff.

 

Our community theater is quite good actually. They do some musicals and some plays, but the main season is in the summer when we travel. And while I am a loyal supporter and enthusiastic audience member, I never had the slightest desire to act in a play or sing in a musical. Which I guess is rather funny, since one might think it would be right up my alley.

 

An island in Maine sounds lovely ...for a few weeks :-)

[Nan in Mass]

...or months...in summer...

I still want to, in a way, but I always imagined I would be surrounded by my children.  I am not at all sure I would like to live there without children to keep me company.  On the other hand, raising children in such an isolated setting would have its problems, especially as they grew older.  Most island children have to board on the mainland during the week to go to high school.  Obviously, we could homeschool high school, but I would think twice about doing it.  I think raising teenagers is easier if you can let their world expand as they grow.

 

Our community college has some courses that are several hours once a week or in a hybrid format which meets both online and in person.  That might make a commute into the city doable, if you could find a university that offered something you would like to study.

 

What are your fellow professors like?  Or their spouses?

 

I wonder if there are any other people in your community who are also looking for the same sort of thing?

[madteaparty]

I have many years until I have to worry about this but it is on my mind. I've decided to keep my part time job as long as feasible and am picking up more pro bono work (I am an attorney).

Regentrude and others, have you considered tutoring in a less privileged high school? I did that as a college student in an inner city school and really enjoyed it. I also plan to do something completely out of character, just haven't decided what that is yet ;)