Help with special needs classmate

[Tree Frog]

My dd14 is in a class studying engineering topics and building projects; they are currently building a bridge with specific supplies. One of the girls in the group is quite loud, doesn't want other people to touch her or her things, has mentioned she needs food at specific times, and is very emotional, ranging from happy to angry to crying within a couple of minutes. Dd also overheard one of the head teachers talking to the class teacher about this girl's special needs. This week, the other girl is in my dd's smaller group and wants to build the bridge her way and her way only. She doesn't want to hear other suggestions or try anyone else's ideas. If the group does something other than what she wants, she gets very angry. There are 3-4 people in each small group.

 

From dd's descriptions, it sounds like she might have some special needs. Dd would like to be friendly towards her and work with her to build the bridge together, but is unsure how to try different ideas without making her angry. This girl doesn't have any friends. Do any of you who have special needs kids have suggestions for my dd for working with a student who is the same age but doesn't seem (or, more likely, is unable to) work with the other people in the group?

 

Thank you.

[Rosie_0801]

Enquire as to how her grades will be affected and ask the teacher if the two of them can work as a pair.

[Rebel Yell]

Does the girl just get angry, or violent?  I could ignore an agry grouch, but not if she was actively destroying the project as they worked on it to try other ways.

 

(sorry- not a special needs parent, but a friend of several)

 

I am in favor of children of all abilities working toegther, but I am also in favor of all children, regardless of ability, being able to participate and do the work they came to do. If my child was unable to participate due to other children's issues (special needs, meanness, inability to do work at the level the class was designated for any reason, etc.) I would be having a discussion with the teacher or person in charge.  I think an answer about how to work with the girl could only come from someone who knows her.

 

Good luck!  Keep us posted on how this goes!  I'm always looking for good ideas to help my kids work with others who have various abilities/

[Tap]

Has you daughter talked to the teacher yet?  That is where I would start.  

 

I would specifically ask a few things

 

1. Working as a group requires compromise on everyone's part.  If the other girl will not compromise, how does the teacher want the students to handle this.  If the teacher says something like "just work it out" have your daughter tell him, that she has tried all the strategies she knows, and needs some new ideas.  Sometimes teachers try to push these situations off on the kids and they think that it teaches them to be more self sufficient and teaches problem solving. BUT more often, with my kids it made them dread working in group for fear of getting 'that person', and created animosity between the kids. 

 

2. If the student is using anger as a way to bully her design through, that needs to be addressed as bullying.  Some kids have true special needs (dd6 is one) with true behavior issues.  Some kids are brats, and if they don't get their way, they throw a fit until everyone gives in.  It would be nice for your dd to have an idea which she is dealing with.  Teachers won't/shouldn't tell other students of special needs diagnosis, but if it is approached from a 'bullying' stand point, they will often spill the beans.  

 

3. If the student makes things impossible, what are the other students options for grades.

[Tree Frog]

Enquire as to how her grades will be affected and ask the teacher if the two of them can work as a pair.

I think for dd right now, she's more concerned about this other girl than she is about the grade. However, I will ask her if she's spoken to the teacher about it yet. There have been some other concerns she's brought to the teacher's attention and has been blown off, so I'm not confidant she will be heard.

 

Does the girl just get angry, or violent?  I could ignore an agry grouch, but not if she was actively destroying the project as they worked on it to try other ways.

 

(sorry- not a special needs parent, but a friend of several)

 

I am in favor of children of all abilities working toegther, but I am also in favor of all children, regardless of ability, being able to participate and do the work they came to do. If my child was unable to participate due to other children's issues (special needs, meanness, inability to do work at the level the class was designated for any reason, etc.) I would be having a discussion with the teacher or person in charge.  I think an answer about how to work with the girl could only come from someone who knows her.

 

Good luck!  Keep us posted on how this goes!  I'm always looking for good ideas to help my kids work with others who have various abilities/

DD said it's more than grouchy anger, but she's not terribly violent. It's more like an angry outburst, although apparently one time she left the room and kicked the wall and the garbage can. I don't think she's trying to sabotage the project; it seems more that her way is the only way to do it.

 

 

 

Has you daughter talked to the teacher yet?  That is where I would start.  

 

 

I would specifically ask a few things

 

1. Working as a group requires compromise on everyone's part.  If the other girl will not compromise, how does the teacher want the students to handle this.  If the teacher says something like "just work it out" have your daughter tell him, that she has tried all the strategies she knows, and needs some new ideas.  Sometimes teachers try to push these situations off on the kids and they think that it teaches them to be more self sufficient and teaches problem solving. BUT more often, with my kids it made them dread working in group for fear of getting 'that person', and created animosity between the kids. 

 

2. If the student is using anger as a way to bully her design through, that needs to be addressed as bullying.  Some kids have true special needs (dd6 is one) with true behavior issues.  Some kids are brats, and if they don't get their way, they throw a fit until everyone gives in.  It would be nice for your dd to have an idea which she is dealing with.  Teachers won't/shouldn't tell other students of special needs diagnosis, but if it is approached from a 'bullying' stand point, they will often spill the beans.  

 

3. If the student makes things impossible, what are the other students options for grades.[endquote/]

 

I did something and lost the formatting for your quote, Tap. I've tried to fix it, but I'm not sure it'll work. 

 

DD has had instances in the past where someone in the group wasn't willing to compromise and she didn't like the group and didn't want anything to do with it. That doesn't seem to be the case here. She says the girl is very nice and she likes her when there aren't problems. Dd doesn't think the girl is just a brat or is manipulating anything; she thinks it's more than that.

 

I will suggest she speak with the teacher, but I don't have confidence the teacher will help. I've suggested dd not react emotionally when there's a problem with the girl and that she speaks calmly to her when she's upset. Today, dd did something that upset the girl and when dd asked what she did, the girl got more upset and didn't say anything. Dd couldn't figure out what happened. So I thought maybe saying something to the girl like "I see you're feeling sad right now. Is there anything I could do to help?"

 

I will contact the director of the program and explain the situation to him and have dd talk to the teacher. The grades, while possibly important (dd has the option of having them on her high school transcript), take the back seat to befriending this girl.

 

Thank you for your suggestions. Anyone have any more ideas?

 

[Guest]

I just wanted to say that it sounds like you have done an amazing job raising a dd with compassion.  What a sweet girl to worry about the other girl's feelings.  I hope that a compromise can be worked out so that they can both learn and enjoy.

[Innisfree]

My own eight-year-old dd has been (somewhat tentatively) diagnosed with a mood disorder, and this is very much the sort of behavior we see in her, although she usually can control herself better in public. It sounds as if this girl's problems are more severe, and as a parent I appreciate both the concern your dd is showing and the difficulty she faces.

 

In our own case we're still trying to sort out the different elements of the problem and getting testing done. Obviously I don't know what this girl's diagnosis is, but some behaviors she shares with my dd leaped out at me: not wanting to be touched/have her things touched, needing food (my dd does much better with frequent protein), emotional fluctuation, angry outbursts.

 

One thing we have learned is that when my dd is upset, she absolutely cannot process any other stimulus until she has calmed down. At that point she is usually rational again and agrees, perhaps grudgingly, to do the right thing. She's embarrassed, I think, and agreeing to change her response requires at least a tacit acknowledgement that she was wrong, and that's hard. But she almost always ends up doing the right thing in time.

 

The hardest thing for us has been figuring out that she can. not. cope. with anything at all added to her load of emotion, until that's processed. No talking, no touching, no consoling, no sympathy, nothing. Most assuredly no discipline, until it's all over, and then it needs to follow a plan established ahead of time.

 

So, for us, the "I see you're feeling sad/angry/upset" route doesn't work (guess how I know). What helps is going away, letting her be angry and ignoring the outburst until she can cope. That's never easy, and it's going to be especially hard for your dd, given the constraints of a class.

 

Surely this girl's parents must have spoken with the teacher about her issues. Just as I have a responsibility to protect my other dd from her sister's behavior, I think this teacher has an obligation to help the other students cope, and brushing off your dd's very reasonable concerns is not an acceptable response. I know she's got to be worried about privacy issues, but as a parent I want others who interact with my dd to have the information they need. Perhaps the girl's parents could help provide some coping techniques through the teacher.

 

One last thing: it's so nice that your daughter can see that this girl has another side, and is not entirely defined by her problems. Hats off for raising a compassionate and thoughtful girl.

[6wildhorses]

You've received some good advice. As a parent of a child with special needs I am a huge believer in inclusion. However, inclusion goes hand in hand with accommodations. In my son's case that means he has a paraprofessional who assists him in many ways, both educationally and by teaching him appropriate social behaviors. It's great that your daughter is trying to accommodate her classmate. I love how children at my son's school accommodate him. However, my son's classmates are never expected to fill the role of a paraprofessional, which is what the teacher in this case is expecting of your daughter. If the classmate cannot work with a group as a team to the extent you indicated, then she requires an assistant to coach her during group work. If your daughter really is okay with the situation, then I suggest writing the teacher and explaining that your daughter enjoys working with this girl, but that I wanted to let him/her know that due to the girl's behavior the projects were all being done her way and list any other accommodations your daughter is making for her classmate. The teacher needs to be made aware of the extent of the accommodations (especially if that means that projects are being taken over by the classmate). Also, I always put things like that in writing, so if problems arise I can refer back to it. I think it's great that your daughter is so compassionate. I wish I had some ideas to help her work with her classmate, but the best thing I can think of is for the girl to have an assistant who would pull her aside when behaving inappropriately and to teach her how to work in the group. It could be a great learning experience for the girl if she had that extra support. It's what I would want for my son in such a situation. A classmate just shouldn't be expected to correct behavior. It sounds like your daughter has a big heart! I hope things work out for her.

[Heartsjoy]

If the SN child is ready for group work, She should be able to work within a prior agreed upon contract. Think about how board meeting run using rules of order. This will likely limit the flexibility of the group decisions drastically. Something simple might be an order for the group time. Make 3 decisions by vote after writing down pros and cons. Write down 3 potential items to discuss further. Vote on one to brainstorm ideas for. Brainstorm only no voting. IF time allows each person write down 3 items to vote on next group time. Everyone vote on their top 2. The top three are ready to be voted on next group time. If more time write down next item to discuss and brainstorm only.

 

Also like PP give SN child plenty of physical space and verbal space if she is in reacting mode.