Explaining forgiveness and reconciliation to kids

[fairfarmhand]

I'm trying to explain reconciliation to my dd. We're getting hung up somewhere.

 

My daughter and someone else have had a falling out. Both of them had fault in it, and it got ugly from both sides. My daughter can't get over the ugliness and see her own fault in it. I've been trying to explain that we cannot force someone else to do right, and we are not responsible for their wrongness. We are supposed to look in ourselves and see where we contributed to the problem and make amends as best we can.

 

Yet, my daughter can't see that. Since the other person was so wrong, the argument was not her fault. End of discussion.

 

If I try to point out that she might have some responsibility in the problem I am blaming her for the whole thing and things get dramatic.

 

 

Anyone have any ideas?

 

I believe that conflict resolution is a hugely valuable life skill, as is being able to look at a disagreement and apologize for your errors in it. But she can't see that.

[goldberry]

What age is your DD? This is somewhat of a maturity issue I think. I agree with you that it is very important, and something I am very strict with my daughter about. But I think it does take some maturity to really "get" it.

 

It is something we apply to many areas though. When she was younger her favorite line was "it wasn't my fault!" That line was quickly banned from our house! I would respond, I'm not saying it was your fault, but I want you to look at your responsibility in it. I kept beating it into her head that taking responsibility was not the same as accepting or laying blame, which is how it seems to kids. Same thing with "it was an accident!" Sure, things can be accidents. That doesn't mean you didn't still have some responsibility for it. Little things like that...but then also rewarding the taking of responsibility rather than punishing it in those cases.

 

Also, many times DD would not "get" the concept when she was agitated or emotional (and hence defensive of everything), but I would bring it up at a later time and she would grudgingly acknowledge it.E

 

ETA, if you are Christian, there are a ton of Biblical principles...as far as it depends upon YOU, be peaceable with all men...each one shall carry his own load...do not let yourself be conquered by evil, but keep conquering evil with the good...that last one really made a point with her, the idea that if you let the other person dictate your responses or push you into acting badly, then you have been conquered...

[fairfarmhand]

 

Another thing I have learned over time (I'm really old) is that most of the time, when I am unable to accept responsibility, it is because i am proud. I ought to be treated better, I have my rights, and so on. But when I get off the high horse, and realize that the other person should have been treated better, that they, too, matter...then it is easier to see what my role in the conflict was

 

 

 

 

I think that this is the biggest problem.

 

This child will go in circles explaining why she was not wrong (she was just misunderstood) and seldom apologizes on her own.

 

But you can't force a child to be humble.

[Katy]

First I would pray for the right words, because without the Holy Spirit your words might condemn her but not convict her.

 

Next I would break it down into small segments of a story about someone else. It's hard for me to illustrate this without more details, but basically break it down into little tiny steps - two wrongs do not make a right, ever. And even if her wrong was in response to a first and worse wrong, it was still a wrong.

 

Find a story where the first person does something very bad but the second person's actions are bad too. When you can get her to understand in the abstract, without emotion, gently point out that her retaliatory actions were also sins EVEN if the first betrayal is what really has her hurt and upset here.

 

Second, let go of your attachment to the outcome. It's possible this was a toxic relationship for her and you don't know all the details. Even though she should forgive the person, it's not the same as trusting them or being friends again.

[Karen in CO]

I like the advice already given, but I'll try. I teach my kids that they have to choose if they want to continue the relationship. You have to accept that people make mistakes and that people you care about will hurt you. If your dd wants to have any chance of a relationship with this person, she has to choose to do so. She can either focus on this problem or find a solution which must include getting over it. If she cannot do that, then the relationship is over. Simple, hard truths seem to work the best, especially for kids that would rather justify their actions instead of take responsibility for them.