saw Posted August 3, 2008 Share Posted August 3, 2008 deal with family who view new additions in a less than positive light? We have three bio kids and are adopting a fourth. DH, dcs and I are very very excited and happy. MIL, who is visiting for two weeks, hasn't even asked about the adoption of dc4, but when dh mentioned it to her last night, she was concerned that he and I wouldn't be able to cope with four kids. Not happy for us, just thinking that we cannot handle so many kids. I personally don't think that four kids is all that much, especially since the two oldest are nearly ten, but it does feel like an insult to my parenting/coping skills. Plenty of families cope very well with so many children; why not us? I won't mention it to her unless she brings it up with me, but if she does ... any tips? Just shut up and be thankful she lives far away? Any snappy comebacks? I know it's not a big deal, but it gets under my skin. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
battlemaiden Posted August 3, 2008 Share Posted August 3, 2008 I used to take this much more personally. I don't know your MIL but I figured out (much too late) that when my parents or my FIL would make a comment like you mention it generally had to do with either them thinking that we were somehow "burdening" ourselves and they didn't want us to suffer- so in a backhanded kind of way they were concerned about us and it was out of love that they worry. Or when they say something about "handling" kids and I just know it has much more with them personally not being up to the task and they are projecting. Some people would lose their minds with four kids so they obviously think you would too. Understanding where they come from helps me not to take it personally...as much. As for what I would say? Hmmmmm. I generally laugh and say, "I know we are crazy aren't we? But we just love children and we didn't feel done with our family just yet." That is a paraphrase of the many, many responses I've given out. I also think it is okay to acknowledge that having a largish family is hard sometimes, but so are most jobs that are rewarding. Congrats on your future adoption! Jo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cathy in IL Posted August 3, 2008 Share Posted August 3, 2008 I am a single mom with three of my own and up to three "foster" at any given time. When I hear snide comments, I generally respond cheerfully, "I'd rather be busy than bored!" My grandmother acted starngely when she heard I was planning to adopt my dd. I found out later she was not letting herself get excited for me because she was afraid the adoption would fall through. She thought if she shared my excitement, the excitement might grow and the disappointment would be even greater if the adoption fell through. She had also heard enough stories of traumatic adoption situations to make her fear the concept of adoption all together. Maybe there is something you MIL is not sharing that is fueling her comments? Congratulations on your upcoming adoption! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommylawyer Posted August 3, 2008 Share Posted August 3, 2008 I think that the more children you have, the less other people's opinions about your family's size matter. DH and I have three and would like to have a fourth. People I work with seem to be the worst about commenting on my family's size. I just laugh it off - and tell them I'm trying to start my own tribe - and go about my life. My boss is the worst - when I told him I was expecting my third child, he said congratulations then spent 10 minutes lecturing me on how I, singlehandedly I suppose, am killing the planet. I just remind him that I'm just breeding conservative voters. Talking politics to him is the only way to relate. (He really is a great boss, though.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clwcain Posted August 3, 2008 Share Posted August 3, 2008 I ignore my family's expressed opinions, and help my wife to do the same (although her family is far more tactful than mine). The few relatives who have made disapproving noises were on the receiving end of my rapier wit and merciless, withering scorn. If they persist, I inevitably inform them that, "If I want your opinion, I'll read your entrails." That usually settles the argument in favor of shocked silence. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mx5 Posted August 3, 2008 Share Posted August 3, 2008 deal with family who view new additions in a less than positive light? We have three bio kids and are adopting a fourth. DH, dcs and I are very very excited and happy. MIL, who is visiting for two weeks, hasn't even asked about the adoption of dc4, but when dh mentioned it to her last night, she was concerned that he and I wouldn't be able to cope with four kids. Not happy for us, just thinking that we cannot handle so many kids. I personally don't think that four kids is all that much, especially since the two oldest are nearly ten, but it does feel like an insult to my parenting/coping skills. Plenty of families cope very well with so many children; why not us? I won't mention it to her unless she brings it up with me, but if she does ... any tips? Just shut up and be thankful she lives far away? Any snappy comebacks? I know it's not a big deal, but it gets under my skin. Honestly, I think our moms aren't trying to be rude or demeaning. They just don't want us to be overwhelmed. As I am getting older (I am 46) I am looking at moms with 3+ little ones and wondering how they do it... then I remember that I did it. :blink: I would not resort to snappy comebacks, unless you can pull them off with a big dose of gentleness and a smile. I have resorted to uplifting comebacks. One time a teen boy cashier told me I had too many kids. I was pregnant with #4 and had all 3 of my kids in tow. My response? "Oh no. These kids are my treasures! I hope to have many more!" then I smiled at my kids. I really wanted to throttle the thoughtless teen, but I didn't. Just show your MIL by your life that you are so excited about this adoption, and that you love being a mother. She'll get it eventually. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BakersDozen Posted August 3, 2008 Share Posted August 3, 2008 Just shut up and be thankful she lives far away? Honestly, this is what I've learned to do. My children are precious to me and if I try to respond it opens up a chance for more inconsiderate/rude/thoughtless comments; they believe what they believe and my words can't change them. I tried for years to engage in an intelligent conversation regarding family size; now I just smile, say nothing, and the conversation ends. Even if they don't mean to be rude, even if they are simply concerned for whatever reason, I think of the verse about "putting pearls before swine". My children are my pearls and I don't want their existence in our life to be trampled by those who do not appreciate the blessing my dc are to us. My inlaws don't even know I'm expecting and won't find out until after baby arrives because I won't allow them to have any negative affect on this blessing-to-be. I hope your mil comes around and both accepts and embraces your new addition. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted August 3, 2008 Share Posted August 3, 2008 We got more comments when we were having numbers 4-5. At numbers six and seven, people (friends, family, strangers) just seem to accept we like having a big family and go with it. "So do you think you'll have more?" tends to be the #1 question now. I think when our parents and in-laws make comments or ignore our happy news, they are concerned about *us*, not thinking that they are coming off as not caring about the next generation. They still see us as their children and are worry that we are over extending ourselves--that we will be overwhelmed and unhappy. They wouldn't want our life, so they can't understand our choices. Take that coupled with many parents' tendency to over-identify with their children and you have grandparents that can come off as uncaring and insensitive. I'm sure they aren't seeing it. Sometimes in trying to avoid saying the wrong thing, some people make the mistake of saying nothing at all and that can be just as hurtful. As you handle the challenges with grace and skill, over time they will come around. Try not to take it personally. They are just worried. Barb Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DIY-DY Posted August 4, 2008 Share Posted August 4, 2008 deal with family who view new additions in a less than positive light? We have three bio kids and are adopting a fourth. DH, dcs and I are very very excited and happy. MIL, who is visiting for two weeks, hasn't even asked about the adoption of dc4, but when dh mentioned it to her last night, she was concerned that he and I wouldn't be able to cope with four kids. Not happy for us, just thinking that we cannot handle so many kids. I personally don't think that four kids is all that much, especially since the two oldest are nearly ten, but it does feel like an insult to my parenting/coping skills. Plenty of families cope very well with so many children; why not us? I won't mention it to her unless she brings it up with me, but if she does ... any tips? Just shut up and be thankful she lives far away? Any snappy comebacks? I know it's not a big deal, but it gets under my skin. I didn't even begin to tell my family about our fifth child until the week he was due, and that was only one aunt. And it was an accident that I let it slip. The rest I didn't tell until I sent a picture and a birth announcement. I simply didn't have it in me to deal with their comments. Waiting until after the fact actually stemmed a lot of the tide this time. The only one who said anything ugly at all was the aunt who had a week's heads up. *shrug* (FTR, though, I come from a long line of bitter, angry, non-nurturing people who don't enjoy their children, or being parents, or any of the weird things DH and I so thoroughly wallow in. Obviously, not a close relationship with my family.) I do think the other posters have it right-on, though - it's not meant to be personal or hurtful or insulting. They see things from the outside of your home, in many ways, and so their perspective is going to be a bit different. Honestly, if you have a decent relationship, you can say, "Wow, you know, I love you so very much, and when you say _______, it feels like you're condemning me/us/our family/whatever, and I'm sure you don't mean it that way, but it really hurts my feelings. We're very happy about this child, and we've worked hard to make this happen for our home. We'd like nothing more than to share that happiness with you." Then move on. You've let the person know her comments are hurtful, and you've given her an acceptable (to you) alternative. What she does from there is on her, and you're freed up to pass the bean dip. (Did you happen to read Aubrey's post from today about the tooth-clenching smile that makes everything seem somewhat funny after a while? Maybe try that.) Or, you know, you could go my route and just show up with another child at the next major holiday and act like you have no idea what people are talking about when they ask who that kid is. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Philothea Posted August 4, 2008 Share Posted August 4, 2008 With #3 due soon, people are already telling me how hard everything is going to be and how I won't be able to do x, y, or z easily anymore. I just disagree with them and tell them not to sweat it. They aren't all the same age at once. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cricket Posted August 4, 2008 Share Posted August 4, 2008 With #3 due soon, people are already telling me how hard everything is going to be and how I won't be able to do x, y, or z easily anymore. I just disagree with them and tell them not to sweat it. They aren't all the same age at once. Isn't it weird that people freak out at 3? I always thought 3 children was fairly average for a family. I remember being in a store once and the cashier asking, "Are all those yours?" It took me a minute to realize she was talking about our 3 (at the time) children. With 4 now we get a lot of comments. The favorite question is "Do you think you are done having kids?" Yes, we are but I still think it is weird that even 4 kids make a huge family. I guess I'm used to being around families with 5 or more kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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