Competitive boys problem. Suggestions?

[lea1]

I have two 7 year old sons who are 6 weeks apart in age, both adopted at the same time from Russia when they were 15.5 and 14 months old. We just started 2nd grade in January. N is the younger and B is the older.

 

Here is the problem. B is a faster writer, faster thinker and has a faster memory than N so N is constantly frustrated and increasingly angry because he always feels that he is not as good, not as fast, etc. N can do the work; he just does not do it as quickly as B. Although I don't have anyone else to use as a comparison, my gut feel is that B is a bit advanced for his age rather than N being behind. I have thought that it would probably be good to have N tested to make sure we are not overlooking something (he is also a leftie, if that matters), especially with his writing, since he really dislikes it so much. Anyone know how we go about doing this? Who does this kind of testing?

 

I have tried to make some adjustments for N but am clearly seeing that I need to make more. I often write for him during math. I quit having him do speed drills because I could tell it was humiliating to him. When I wrote for him, he could get the drill done in the time allotted but if he wrote for himself, he could no longer make it in time and it just crushed him (he knew all of the answers but just couldn't write that fast). When we were doing WWE1, I was giving N the shorter sentence and B the longer one. Before we moved to WWE2, I tried to set some expectations that the amount of writing in 2nd grade would increase some. I started giving N the same copywork sentences as B. Clearly he was not ready and I need to back off of this and I may need to change expectations for him in FLL2 also, as they are both doing the same work there also.

 

N is actually a stronger reader than B and he loves to read. He is the kind of kid that, if you get the good stuff from the library and leave it laying around, he will pick it up and read it. When he woke up this morning, he sat down in the living room and read The Children's Book of Virtues by William J. Bennett.....the entire book, before breakfast. When I went upstairs tonight to tell him it was getting late and he needed to go to sleep, he was reading in bed. He has very good comprehension, does very well on his narrations and answering comprehension questions and absolutely loves history.

 

I am feeling so horrible about this. This poor child probably feels that he is living in his brother's shadow all the time. They are both in swim lessons with a goal of being on a swim team. Last year I let them choose which sport they wanted to do. N said he wanted to be on a swim team; B decided to go back to gymnastics, which they had tried out for one summer session. After a couple of months, B changed his mind and wanted to go back to swimming, which we allowed. N seemed happy to have him back because they enjoy each other. When B was in gymnastics, N moved into Level 4. When B returned to swimming he was at the end of Level 3. He has quickly caught up and surpassed N in a few short months and is now the stronger swimmer with better form. They received their latest ribbons on Tuesday and B got his first two (of 4) ribbons for Level 4. N received a 'participant' ribbon because he had not improved enough to receive his next ribbon (I will have to double check but I don't think he has yet received even his first Level 4 ribbon). Neither child really understands the significance of the 'participant' ribbon so I don't think N really even knows that B is probably ahead of him now. I think when he figures that out, he will be crushed again. We are thinking of asking him if he would prefer to do gymnastics or something else. He loves baseball and would really like to play this summer but I think we are too late now. I really liked the idea of swimming for their sport because it is such a healthy sport, not hard on the body and something they can do as adults to stay fit.

 

I'm sorry this is so long. If you are still reading, thanks. If you have any gentle suggestions, I would greatly appreciate hearing them.

[Miss Marple]

My bottom 2 boys are 16 months apart. One has a learning disability and is happily content and the other is quite successful at whatever he puts his hand/mind to and is highly competitive. I put them in different programs early in the elementary years because the LD son became so discouraged. Also they did different sports. It was a lot harder for me, but in the end it was well worth it to see my LD son with an intact self-esteem (still a little low, but at least now that he is older he understands why he struggles). And the Boy Scouts program was a great confidence builder because the LD son was older and got to be the leader of his younger brother :) because scouts was where the LD son was highly successful.

[lea1]

Thanks for the suggestions. I have been racking my brain trying to figure out how to rearrange school so one could be working while I work with the other. I am thinking that I would probably have to work with them one at a time if they had two different math programs, for instance. That makes me think maybe I should just use what I already have but work with them separately most of the time.

 

It does not seem to be a problem for spelling. I let them do spelling with small white boards. B often spells his words faster but, since we do one word at a time, the wait between words is not all that long. N does not get upset because B is not running off and leaving him. So I think spelling will be OK. I definitely need to start separating them for FLL, WWE (I already do with this one) and math.

 

It just occurred to me that I could send one to do his music practice while the other works on math with me. That would work, I think. Then one could be doing his assigned reading or read-to-self time while the other is doing FLL and WWE with me.

 

I just might be able to make this work and bring more peace to our family. We are definitely going to split them up for their sports and they are already doing different musical instruments, which has been very positive for N.

 

Thanks for letting me thinking out loud:) and thanks for the suggestions. I really appreciate it.

[TracyP]

I think splitting them, either w/ different programs or just teaching separately, is a good idea.

 

My bros. are twins and one was better at pretty much everything. (I say was because they have each found their niche and that is no longer true) Academically and in sports, the one would always come out ahead. A local paper actually did a story on them titled "Sibling Rivalry" when they were seniors. My parents taught them to support each other and try hard no matter what. There were tears and fights at times! But if you emphasize these two things, it will hopefully turn out as a positive. It was hard at times, but they are still best friends. They both say that the competition with each other pushed them to be better. HTH!

[lea1]

Thanks Tracy. I hope it works out that way here too.

[briansmama]

Oh man, that sounds SO rough! I have two boys and they compete enough as it is, and they are 3yrs apart. It appears that oldest ds is advanced and has always grasped concepts immediately and been very easy to teach, while my youngest is just a completely different kid. I've been concerned enough about this as it is hard to diffuse in the homeschool situation.

 

I would absolutely use two completely different methods/approached with them. You don't necessarily have to purchase separate curricula. Because your oldest is accelerating quickly, I'd look into helping him manage more of his work independently, while incorporating more movement and creativity with the other. If it were me, I'd probably use CM methods with B and more Waldorf-inspired methods with N (story-based academics, bean bag math facts games, more gentle).

 

 

[Melissa in Australia]

glad you have thought of some ways for it to work.

sometimes thinking out loud to others is what is needed to work out problems. :thumbup1:

[Donna]

My boys are not even as close in age as yours (mine are 23 months apart) but there have been times when my younger has felt bad about his brother doing things better than he can. I told him over and over that it was because his brother was older but it didn't seem to matter at all.

 

They have different personalities and have their own strengths that have become apparent over the years. I didn't use different curriculum...I liked what I was using at the time. But I did have each pick what instrument they'd like to learn...lucky for me they picked different instruments, drums and guitar. I let them pick which sports they'd like to be involved with and because of their different personalities they picked differently there as well.

 

There was a lot of talk when they were young celebrating their individual strengths without putting value judgements on which "strengths" were better....just that they were different and learning to appreciate the strengths of others. I work with children who have developmental delays so I would talk at times about the strengths of those who I worked with...this child's ability to love, another's constant smile even though life was tough, another child's determination to overcome challenges, etc...

 

My oldest does well academically, is excellent at his sport, and works hard to develop his athletic ability. My youngest can fix just about anything with his hands, is creative, knows how to listen when people talk to him making him a good friend, and loves to help around the house. I don't want to "pigeon hole" them by their strengths so we work on their weaknesses as well but I think helping them find their own strengths and knowing who they are and how they "fit" has helped them to be less competitive.

[nerd]

This is a personality thing to work out with N. Why does he need to outdo B? Or even be as good as B? Why not just appreciate what B does better, and be happy for his brother's excellence. It is not important to be the best at academics. There are more important traits than who is best at math. For example, kindness, generosity, etc.

 

What if B is just better in 90% of academics. That is a battle that won't be won. If you cultivate in N that it is not important to be the best, but rather to just be happy with who he is, it will not be important if B is better.

 

On the flip side, if B is proud about being better, and is putting his brother down, maybe it's B that is the problem. And B needs to be reasoned with, whenever that trait rears it's head.