Discipline/character issue in almost 10yo girl

[Mommy22alyns]

Help please!

I need some help with a discipline/character issue with Rebecca. I about lost it on her today. She'll be rude and disrespectful, not listening to me while I'm reading for school (fidgeting around, making faces at Sylvia), hitting or taunting Sylvia, and showing a complete disregard for everyone when it comes time to go to bed - she'll take forever every. single. night. no matter how many times DH tells her she has to hurry to get read to so he can go to sleep (he has to wake up very early for work). Reading this, she sounds like a hellion. She's really not, but she's driving me nuts. I have to keep telling her - would you mess around while your coach is telling you something in gymnastics? No, so why do you do it to me? Would you hit C or A (younger girls on team)? No, so why do you do it to Sylvia? On and on. I flat out threatened her with missing gymnastics if she couldn't get it together. I hate to do that, but it seems like it's the ONLY way to get through her thick skull. She'll be 10 next month.

 

 

I should add that the girls do get along about 97% of the time.

[myfunnybunch]

:grouphug:

 

I don't know how well this would work in your situation, so disregard what won't work.

 

Rudeness and disrespect: I took a three-prong approach when we dealt with some of this. Relationship, we have an ongoing and fairly casual family conversation about why we're respectful to one another and the natural rewards for respect (others' regard, etc.) and consequences (it damages relationships); Reward, we brainstormed about how ds could show respect to others and when I caught him going above and beyond by being extra respectful or being successful in an area where he was really struggling, he got a check mark,with a reward after a certain number of checks. Consequence for disrespect, which was just our regular family consequence, discussed beforehand.

 

Fidgety goofiness: Oh heavens. If you can find the cure for this, let me know. My kids can be fidgety and goofy during school. I ignore as much as I can, because that behavior is sometimes fed by the negative attention. I try to set them up for success by giving them something to do while I am reading. Maps to color, taking turns reading paragraphs, asking the comprehension questions during the reading, allowing them to draw while they listen. When they simply can't hold it together, I send them outside to run or kick the ball or chase the dog for 15 minutes, or run up and down the stairs 20 times, or do 20 jumping jacks/twenty pushups/twenty silly faces. The physical movement seems to help them refocus.

 

Hitting and taunting siblings results in the usual family consequence. For our main offender, it seemed to be a result of poor impusle control, need for attention, and/or boredom. Oh, and developmental shifts. My kids seem to really struggle while they're going through a developmental growth spurt. So I tried to set him up for success by making sure he was not in situations that allowed him the freedom to hit or taunt. At particularly challenging times, he was tomato-staked so that he simply did not have the opportunity.

 

Bedtime: If you have two bathrooms or an extra quiet space (even the kitchen), put her toothbrush, pajamas, etc. in a separate area so that she can get ready for bed by herself. Dad starts reading at x time whether she's ready or not. Do not wait for her to be ready. If she tries to listen before she's completely ready, she is gently but firmly redirected back to her tasks by the non-reading parent--reading does not stop.

 

I also try to remember that with my oldest particularly, this kind of behavior is often a signal that he needs lots and lots of positive attention. I invite him to work with me, I take him to the grocery store with me to help, I ask him to read with me, his dad starts a simple house project and asks for his help. We try to fill him up with positive to leave less room for the negative.

 

AND.....

I watched my own attitude. Sad to say, I was modeling some irritability and when frustrated, I wasn't as respectful as I'd like to be. Ooops. I am not saying this is the case for you. :) I am sharing because this was very hard for me to see and admit in myself. I'm not perfect, but I try to model the words and behavior I want to see, and to catch myself and apologize and "do-over" just as I expect from the children when they slip up.

 

Be consistent. It won't last forever. None of it does, right? Good and not-so-good, it all slips aways so quickly. Hang in there. :grouphug:

 

Cat

[PachiSusan]

Cat^^^^ Thank you!!! This was one very informative and helpful post. I will use many of your suggestions. Amber and I have talked about our nearly 10 year old girlies and their similarities.

[happypamama]

Do your girls have some time/space apart from each other? My older two are a girl and a boy, so by this point, they naturally have their own rooms, but they do still share a lot of time/space and sometimes need a break from each other. I have heard from friends with two girls at similar ages to yours that they have to make a point for the girls to be able to have breaks from each other. Girls seem to have much higher emotions than boys, in general, and I can see why that might cause some clashes.

[Mommy22alyns]

Rebecca has gymnastics on her own 4x/week and Sylvia does dance separately. They're in different choirs and different groups at AHG.