Forgiveness Questions

[violamama]

Forgiveness is not forgetfulness, i.e. trust, as others have said.

 

If you are still dealing directly with this person, constructing strong and distant boundaries (and these will most likely be invisible to the other, but rather are in your control) may help. You do not need to justify those to anyone. You mentioned a friend questioning you about your feelings, so you may need to find other people to support you there or use passive things like journaling to work back out of thinking about the offender.

 

Do some re-focusing on what you want in life. I'm reading "Getting Things Done", which is kind of interesting, but anything that inspires you to work toward something could help. Are you an exerciser? Set a new goal and use the annoyance/anger to fuel you there.

 

Think of these boundaries or distance from the person as protecting them from continuing to be a jerk. If you can work yourself into the position of feeling sorry for them, that can help.

[gardenmom5]

I did a bit of thinking on this last night (sleep is over-rated anyway ;) ).

As has been mentioned a couple of times, trust is NOT synonmous with forgiveness.

 

We/I can work at forgiving 7 x 70 and handing over judgment to where it belongs. Not our/my responsibility.

BUT that does not mean we/I am required to trust the 'offender'.

 

Cos that'd just be daft.

 

I was trying so hard to understand this point when I was dealing with my grandmother. As I was reading the scriptures, a verse jumped out at me. basically - I wasn't required to give her a knife so she could sacrifice me on the alter of her ego.

[Kaleidoscope]

I have to trust this person to a degree and I guess that's another part of the problem. It's not a person I'll ever be able to 100% remove from my life. It's a crummy spot to sit.

[Pod's mum]

I have to trust this person to a degree and I guess that's another part of the problem. It's not a person I'll ever be able to 100% remove from my life. It's a crummy spot to sit.

 

 

I "LIKED" this, but I don't actually, 'like' it, if you know what I mean.

 

We have to live, as though in trust, when really we are ever vigilant and ready to go back to salvage mode.

 

I do think some people are capable of changing and slowly earning trust again.

Others aren't.

 

You may get burned a couple of times working out which is which.

Either way, I don't think trust is an entitlement. They need to earn it, which takes time.

[Kaleidoscope]

 

 

I "LIKED" this, but I don't actually, 'like' it, if you know what I mean.

 

We have to live, as though in trust, when really we are ever vigilant and ready to go back to salvage mode.

 

I do think some people are capable of changing and slowly earning trust again.

Others aren't.

 

You may get burned a couple of times working out which is which.

Either way, I don't think trust is an entitlement. They need to earn it, which takes time.

 

Makes a lot of sense.

Thanks for the comments.

 

Actually thanks to everyone for all the comments and feedback.

 

[mom4him]

I try to remember that forgiveness is a choice and not a feeling. I gauge where I'm at with forgiveness based on these four statements (stolen from peacemakers ministry years ago during a very difficult time).

1. I will not dwell on this incident.

2. I will not bring up this incident again and use it against you.

3. I will not talk to others about this incident.

4. I will not let this incident hinder our personal relationship.

 

Tough to do, but that's always been my goal.

 

Also, I'd have to agree with a couple of pop-culturish statements I've heard.

Forgiveness is a gift that you give yourself.

and

Harboring a grudge/unforgiveness is like letting someone live rent free in your head.

 

 

I totally agree with this. If you wait for the feelings to line up......well, that may never happen. There have been times when I write it down. [ I forgive......... for .........] and keep it where I can get quick access if I need it. Most of the time I find that when I go through the actions of forgiving the feelings come quicker. One of the other things that I have learned is that just because you have forgiven someone does not mean you are obligated to put yourself in the same situation with that person. Example: A young woman who has been abused by her father, uncle etc. Just because she has forgiven that person of the things they did to her does not mean she is obliged to allow them to come to her apartment when she is along.

 

I have learned that the faster I forgive the faster I begin to heal. The faster I forgive, the faster I can start moving ahead in life.

 

I pray that you will be able to find the answers you need for you.

[gardenmom5]

Like the saying goes: "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

 

Trusting someone who has proven to you that they cannot be trusted is most definitely daft (love that word!), and has zero to do with forgiving them. Forgiveness can be freely given and must not be earned. Trust, in my book, must be earned.

 

dh was trying to counsel the daughter of a family friend. she was planning on remarrying her ex. He kept asking her "can you trust him?" No, but . . .No, but . . . No, but . . . . He couldn't get through to her, If you can't trust him, WHY would you marry him? (they divorced again.)

 

some things aren't given, they must be earned. trust is earned - it has to be earned. respect is earned. we can serve and have compassion on others without giving them unearned trust.

 

 

This exactly. Forgive and forget is a myth. We are to forgive but unless we suffer from amnesia we will not forget. How can we realistically? But what can happen is that we remember the incident without pain or feelings of revenge. This is forgiveness IMHO.

sometimes we need to remember so we don't put ourselves or others in danger again. e.g. NEVER leave a child with a known pedophile. (no matter how repentant they seem.)

sometimes we can forget becasue we have truly healed and there is no longer any danger of further injury.

even when we remember, we don't need to dwell upon it or constantly harp on it - I believe if that's the case, forgiveness has not yet been reached. we should have boundaries to prevent further injury, especially if trust cannot be restored, but that's not the same as harping.

I have to trust this person to a degree and I guess that's another part of the problem. It's not a person I'll ever be able to 100% remove from my life. It's a crummy spot to sit.

you can limit how much you trust someone. You need to be honest in your 'assesment' of this person, their abilities and tendancies, and how your interaction will affect your relationship. e.g. is this someone you need to give you a ride somewhere? are they likely to show up and be dependable or not? (I was trying for a harmless example.)

[mytwomonkeys]

i know this thread is a little old, but sunday at church reminded me of this particular thread. we had a guest speaker come in & her daughter and best friend were killed by a drunk driver (he was there to speak as well). a singer wrote a song about her story (matthew west - the song is called "forgiveness"). anyway - the talk was on forgiveness and wrapped up a sermon series our pastor had done.

 

i did a search for this thread because i thought it applied and wasn't sure if the OP (or anyone else) still was asking. this was at a church, so there is talk of God of course - but the principles of forgiveness apply just the same. :) here is the video from sunday (the first few minutes is my pastor talking). hope it helps. it helped me a lot. hugs.