Need some creative discpline ideas!!!

[bry's-gal]

Eldest daughter (8 yrs old) got in a fight with another child today. She was not completely at fault but she did make several poor decisions including not respecting someone else's toys, starting the physical fight and biting the other child. To top it off, she then tried to lie to me about the situation. Sigh... I need something that fits the crime but also makes an impact.

 

My first idea is grounding for the week. She would miss several fun activities because of it. Not quite sure if that would have a lasting impact though.

[MomtoCandJ]

Dig stumps or cut fire wood (that was dh,s dad's go to remedy) but that doesn't fit the crime. No toys for a while and or play dates?

[Joanne]

Hm. I think, maybe, you should consider shifting your focus and emphasis. Very few children make it through childhood without a couple/few major mistakes.

 

And, truly? They SHOULD be making mistakes.

 

If such behavior is not her norm, I'd encourage you to worry less about "making a lasting impact". She made a series of poor choices. Who doesn't, on occassion, do that? (if this is a pattern, I'd give a different answer).

 

I would make her consider the event in terms of where she made mistakes, and identify different options she could make "next time." I'd discourage and disallow any "but the other person did....." talk. But, mostly? I'd be moving on.

 

I'm not a fan of restricting social events - for the most part. I don't really believe punishment is the best discipline tool and restricting social events has consequences for me; less happy and engaged kids who are now home with me for more hours in which they are unhappy. What does that teach? Nothing, really.

 

Since the biting is very age and developmentally inappropriate, you *might* consider increasing supervision to match the level in which she operated.

[bolt.]

It seems to me that the most lasting impact would be from teaching, practicing, role playing and supporting her through the whole process of *actually* aquiring full proffficiency at the skills that this incident shows to be not-yet-solid in her.

 

When she has the skills, she will use them. Nobody has fights because they just think it would be good fun. Fights are a result of big feelings encountering poor impulse control -- usually with a nice big salad of situational factors. It's well worth digging into this particular event in order to find out what your daughter could use your help with.

[Ghee]

 

Since the biting is very age and developmentally inappropriate, you *might* consider increasing supervision to match the level in which she operated.

 

 

This, but remove "might". Honestly, if this child isn't dealing with a severe cognitive delay, I'd call a spade a spade. I'd tell her that that is preschool behavior. If she's going to act like a preschooler, she can be treated as such. Early bedtime, close supervision, and all.

[Parrothead]

Were it my child I'd have her write a note of apology to give to the other person.

 

I also think the early bedtime is appropriate for the hitting and biting. Those things are what an out of control preschooler does. If she is that unable to control herself perhaps she is overly tired and needs an earlier bed time for a week.

 

The lying would be the biggest issue with me. I don't lie to my child and I expect her to not lie to me. We've talked about mutual respect and the need for telling the truth. We've discussed little white lies and the need to keep presents and gifts secret but little else. Privacy is given but things like lying to try to get out of trouble would mean a breech of trust and as such would need a reminder that I do mean business in this area. I might say no to at least one activity. The next few she can have me go with her or not go. Not in order to embarrass her, but to prove to me that she knows the rules of polite society.

 

There would also be lots of discussion about her actions and how to improve them in the future.

[Pamela H in Texas]

Well, I'm sure it isn't exactly a surprise that I agree with Joanne (we've been agreeing since our kids were little).

 

I also think the apology is necessary. When my son was 8, he went to the house and did it in person with all the parents there. A letter would have been just about an impossible feat at that time. I was disappointed in the other parents' response; but at least MY kid did the right thing. In addition to that, we talked about what he could have done every step of the way so as not to get into that situation and also to have gotten out of that situation without clocking the kid. We also made it clear what his responsibility in the future was. These two kids were pretty volatile; but this kid was the only one on our street at the time. And really, I think it gave my naturally-a-hothead son a lot of practice making good choices. AND HE DID! Each time, sometimes more than once per day, he made good choices on playing with this kid, and later, other kids. This discussion (both about the past issue and the future) should be pretty detailed. It doesn't have to be particularly long and SHE should be doing the bulk of the talking.

 

I might pick ONE upcoming event to cancel or alter because of her toddler-ish behavior. I would make it a more regular thing rather than special (assuming you do the upcoming holiday and have some events around that coming up). For example, playing with the toddlers rather than her cousins she sees monthly would be fine. Taking away time with cousins she sees only once per year would not be. If this was a one time thing and you can't figure out how to do this part well, I'd skip it. Seriously, most of the time, behavior that happens once or twice in a childhood don't NEED these types of consequences or punishment.

[bry's-gal]

Thanks for the feedback. Hubby and I talked and decided on appropriate consequences for her behavior and had a long chat with her!