The last word

[NatashainDFW]

Why does DS7 insist he must have the last word. You would think when I say don't even say anything or I don't want to hear it that would be a clue to close his mouth and just do whatever it was I said to do. Nope not this child. He will literally cry if he doesn't get the last word. I am pulling my hair out because at this point he is nearly 8 and knows it is rude to talk back to me or his father when we tell him to do/don't do something. I just don't know what to do with him. We have very few rules and I don't think I am asking too much for him to obey them. Our rules are simply don't talk back, do as your told the first time, keep your hands and feet to yourself and always tell the truth. FOUR rules and he can't seem to handle 3/4 of them! Please give me some ideas here. I feel like I have tried everything but I know I haven't I am just out of ideas.

[fraidycat]

:grouphug: No advice. I am right there with you. I think we have the exact same four rules in this house and well my kids can't seem to handle 3/4 of them either. The truth one even requires a little coaxing sometimes too, when it comes to accepting PERSONAL responsibility. They are great at telling the truth about how bad the OTHER one is, but when it comes to personal responsibility we have a few trip ups. DD always has to have the "last word", too. :cursing:

[Tita Gidge]

I was this kid. :gnorsi:

 

It just felt like that last little bit of control for a situation (I knew) I had no control over; I mean, it was my parents so of course they were always going to be right. Right?

 

Well, fine; they can be right (and I know they are) (and they know they are) (and they strongly suspect I know they know they are) but I gotta save face somehow, and I'm going to do that by getting that last, little word in. Even if they say not to. Especially, maybe eventually only, if they say not to.

 

It fed my need to feel asserted towards my parents. We all knew I was wrong (if I were being disciplined) or I'd be complying anyway (if I were being asked to do something), so they let it slide in the moment. Mom would always cross herself and mutter, "Jesus, Mary & Joseph" (and if I heard it, I'd be sure she heard me snottily add: "Pray for this child!" - meaning me, since I obviously had the meanest mom in the entire world.) It's funny, I think she muttered it initially out of frustration, but I figure she decided that if I were going to have the last word it may as well have been a prayer LOL!

 

When we lie down to bed, mom would warn me of how lonely an adult I'd be if I were determined to always have the last word. Eventually I met an adult who did always have to have the last word, and you know what? Years of my mom's warnings rang loud and clear, and I decided that it wasn't all that important (most of the time) to get the last word in. That guy was obnoxious, and I didn't want to be lonely and obnoxious on the altar of getting in the last word. But no amount of discipline as a kid would have had the same affect because I wasn't doing it to be defiant (though it was); I was doing it to assert myself and save face in a home where I wasn't allowed to talk back, had to do things the first time I was told, etc. If your son is feeling the same, that may explain the tears - it may be more than simply getting in the last word, it could be self-preservation.

 

It's not that my parents had (or you have) unreasonable rules, it's that I didn't see any avenue for being rightlfully annoyed at being disciplined or asked to do something. We all knew I deserved the discipline or would comply with their requests, but I wanted the right to be irritated by it still. (And it's not that they didn't offer one, or that you don't, it's that I didn't see one so I forged my own: getting in that last word.) None of my brothers and sisters felt this way, or were as annoying a kid as was I. :coolgleamA:

 

None of the above makes it okay in your home, but I thought I'd give perspective from someone who was also That Kid.

[fairfarmhand]

I usually correct my last worder by saying, "No dear, the only words you need to be saying right now are 'yes. ma'am.' " And then I wait expectantly. If I get a "Yes ma'am, but blah blah blah." I say, "Nope. Yes ma'am" is the correct answer, try again." And we go through it until I get the correct response.

[NatashainDFW]

ok that is my child...the yes maam but child. I will try the calmly providing the correct response until I get it

[Laurie4b]

Well, you could try just having whoever has the last word be meaningless--for either you or your ds. Easier said than done, I know!

 

Something else to try is to set up a consequence in advance for last words. Just implement the consequence silently. Make sure it's something you can control. So talking back/last word= 15 min off computer time, $1 fine out of a pot of money you control, etc. It has to be easy for you to implement so that you can do it nonverbally. Time out is fine if he will go on command. You could also indicate increments of the consequence by simply holding up a finger, "That's one, that's two, etc." for any attempt at last-wording--then the number of times is tied to a longer term consequence. Anyway, I think a very important part of this is that your response to the last-word is nonverbal.