hsing dads please advise

[hsingscrapper]

I know we have some guys here on the boards. I really would appreciate your point of view on this.

 

My beloved is on board with the idea of homeschooling. He and I are of different view points on approach. I'm a 3 R's and haven't had the attention span to do as much as. I would like. He is very drill baby drill.

 

Here is my problem. I need help, from him, getting history, science, and art done. He is the history buff and visual artist. (I prefer more tactile art like scrapbooking and jewelry-making.)

 

He's said he would help but when I ask him when, I get procrastination. He doesn't hesitate to imply that I'm slacking because I don't teach the way he thinks I should and has offered that as his excuse for not helping me.

 

Is there something I'm missing in my approach?

[Kathryn]

Not a guy but I know a few. I'd expect it has more to do with HSing being your "job" whereas "helping" is optional for him.

[momma2three]

I'm not a guy, but I'm the curriculum researcher and planner in my house... DH seems to think I'm the expert and that he should just leave things up to the experts. I've tried to be vague about subjects they could cover, and he just says "oh, okay" with this deer in the headlights expression.

 

I've found that it works much better to be very specific about what I want. This morning, for example, I told him that DD's getting her days of the week confused, so could he help her with that. I've also asked him to work with her on skip counting. And their special "thing" is astronomy, so when I find space-related child-friendly links and activities I send them along to him.

 

He might feel a bit overwhelmed that you're just asking him to do history and science... those are pretty huge topics and he may not know where to even begin. And if he has a job that takes up a substantial portion of his time, he might not have the time or energy to do a full curriculum. Can you work through a curriculum, and tell him what you're working on so that he can bring his own information into conversations with your kids? Tell him what you're studying this week, and see if he wants to do any further enrichment activities.

 

For art it might get him started if you decide to set aside a certain time of the week as "art class" and tell him that he's in charge of that, and the first week you think they should work on color and line, and if he needs ideas for further weeks you help him find some online lesson plans.

[hsingscrapper]

He's not working atm. He's been looking but not everyday.

 

We went from $25K to nothing. I figure when he's not job hunting, he could be helping. Right? I know it's disheartening for him to put himself out there and come back empty-handed. I thought, perhaps mistakenly, that sharing what he knows and what he's good at would be helpful for his ego.

[hsingscrapper]

Any dads? Please?

[AimeeM]

From my husband:

He's probably depressed on some level; he went from supporting his family to NOT. Just because you feel that helping you teach would be a good way for him to spend his time, it isn't likely he's going to feel the same.

Also, just because *he* is the history buff and artist, doesn't mean he can TEACH those things. Not everyone is cut out to teach. I have a degree in physics, an advanced degree in computer science and I'm very confident in my math skills, but I have a terrible time trying to relate that information to my daughter on a level she can understand. I play every instrument under sun (my father is a music teacher and owns a music shop), but trying to teach her the piano didn't pan out. I'm confident in my ability to teach other adults, who have an adult vocabulary and some other formal education to spring off of, but not a child.

ETA: Unlike my wife, I have a difficult time wrapping my head around that every child may need a different type of education. I can *know* it's true, but it's my experiences that I have to go on and, like most men, I'm somewhat set in my ways. "If it worked for me...". I learned the 3 R's in school, in a drill and kill Catholic school environment - so that's how I'm going to want to teach my children. Which is why all but some science experiments are left to the wife.

Edited September 22, 2012 by AimeeM

[elegantlion]

He's not working atm. He's been looking but not everyday.

 

We went from $25K to nothing. I figure when he's not job hunting, he could be helping. Right? I know it's disheartening for him to put himself out there and come back empty-handed. I thought, perhaps mistakenly, that sharing what he knows and what he's good at would be helpful for his ego.

 

Also not a guy, but my dh was under/unemployed for a while. He's never been one to help with school and during that time of severe stress he really didn't want anything to do with school.

 

He had some health issues on top of that, it was hard to get school done at all because I had to be home for him too. I know my guy is a fixer, he knows I do better at school and if he stepped in he wouldn't do what I could (I can't build a house either, so we all have our talents). Asking him to help would have meant setting him up for more failure, even if it only felt that way. It would just be one more thing he failed at, and he did view everything like that for a while. There is a precarious line with most men's egos when they are facing job difficulties.

 

I also noticed during this time that dh became a little more vocal about making sure ds was covering everything we needed. He trusts my methods, but he questioned me a lot more during that time. I know it came from not wanting ds to have to struggle through what we've gone through, yet at times it got irritating.

 

I walked on eggshells a lot. It's only in the last two months I've felt like I'm not holding my breath all the time.

 

:grouphug: These times are not fun.

[LaxMom]

Not a guy but I know a few. I'd expect it has more to do with HSing being your "job" whereas "helping" is optional for him.

 

This was my thought, as well.

 

My husband teaches math and science. Period. I have zero involvement, other than supervising practice sheets he leaves when he works. It's his job. He's not "helping". He researches, plans, schedules and teaches, and he's on top of it, regardless of the twitch he develops.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Also not a guy, but my dh was under/unemployed for a while. He's never been one to help with school and during that time of severe stress he really didn't want anything to do with school.

 

He had some health issues on top of that, it was hard to get school done at all because I had to be home for him too. I know my guy is a fixer, he knows I do better at school and if he stepped in he wouldn't do what I could (I can't build a house either, so we all have our talents). Asking him to help would have meant setting him up for more failure, even if it only felt that way. It would just be one more thing he failed at, and he did view everything like that for a while. There is a precarious line with most men's egos when they are facing job difficulties.

 

I also noticed during this time that dh became a little more vocal about making sure ds was covering everything we needed. He trusts my methods, but he questioned me a lot more during that time. I know it came from not wanting ds to have to struggle through what we've gone through, yet at times it got irritating.

 

I walked on eggshells a lot. It's only in the last two months I've felt like I'm not holding my breath all the time.

 

:grouphug: These times are not fun.

 

This is exactly what it's like when my DH is out of work, too. He is not capable of sitting at home doing "my work" when he should be out doing "his work," no matter how good he'd be at teaching or how much he believes in homeschooling.

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

I tried and failed to get dh to teach out of the Nature Connection, which required doing and some coming up with stuff yourself. But he does do our geography which is open-and-go, do the worksheet in less than 10 minutes type stuff. So if you're going to get him do something it probably should be very simple and easy, requiring very little of him coming up with stuff himself.

 

I'm sorry you're having to deal with a double standard attitude. :grouphug:

[hsingscrapper]

I feel bad for my assumptions now. I just want to cry. I do believe he's depressed although he would NEVER admit to it.

 

So I know this is changing the thread but how do I help him get out of his funk?

[AimeeM]

I feel bad for my assumptions now. I just want to cry. I do believe he's depressed although he would NEVER admit to it.

 

So I know this is changing the thread but how do I help him get out of his funk?

I was unemployed for a while about a year back. What I appreciated about about my wife was her positive attitude about it; being reminded constantly how blessed we were no matter the situation - and that the "situation" at hand was just that - a situation. A temporary situation.

Right now your husband's primary focus is, as mine was, to support his family. Remember that going out and looking for jobs (I'm not sure of his field) can be depressing in and of itself - to look and face the rejection of "not getting it"; to feel like he is letting you down every time he doesn't get that call back.

I know it was hard on my wife to remain positive and I doubt sincerely that she really felt positive during that time, but she acted like she was.

I know it's tempting to think that you are HELPING him by "giving him something to do", so to speak, but he IS doing plenty - looking for work and being rejected for work puts a lot of weight on a person. Involve him in family fun instead of inferring (which you may be indirectly doing) that he has time on his hands and should use it to help do something he may not feel capable of helping with... adequately.

[elegantlion]

I learned how to let some things go. I've done it before, dh and I have been together over 20 years. He needed me for support and I'll admit there were some nights I cried myself to sleep because I couldn't share my frustration of the day with him. I wrote letters to myself.

 

I cooked his favorite meals, did his laundry, gave him some space. I wrote him love notes in the morning. He had a job but the pay was so low he barely had enough gas money to get there. He hated the job, but stayed because it was job. We'd greet him at the back door when he came home and let him talk. He's since found another job, thankfully.

 

My dog is hilarious. Until then they didn't get along that well, but she started just acting like a toddler when he'd come home. She kind of eased the tension from work, he was excited that someone was SO excited to see him. She still runs to the back door everyday. It was something that felt normal.

 

I didn't talk about the things we weren't or couldn't do. I didn't ask for a daily update on his job situation when he wasn't employed. I tried to keep the mood of the household upbeat or at least calm.