happyhomemaker25 Posted September 11, 2012 Share Posted September 11, 2012 A year ago today I suffered an ectopic pregnancy where I lost my right fallopian tube. Previously we'd waited 9 years for a pregnancy before being blessed with little Lily, who was a complete surprise. Five years before that we'd adopted five kids from foster care. When Lily was just a little over a year old I was pregnant again. I was so excited. All of a sudden my infertility seemed a thing of the past. Two babies in two years! WOW! When it ended up being ectopic I was devastated. Devastated to the point of I could not open my Bible for months. I was talking to God, but most of it was questioning and angry. Today I am still hurting so much and I have to make a physical choice almost every day to have faith and trust in God. I'm back to Bible reading and prayer, but a lot of it feels like I'm just going through the motions. I can go for weeks without writing in my prayer journal. My problem is I feel so guilty feeling this way. So many women long for one kid, one baby. I have 6 kids and a great successful pregnancy story! How dare I have my pity party! (That is sincerely how I feel!) I feel so empty. My womb aches in a way it used to before I had my daughter. I've dealt with two very early miscarriages since the ectopic, which totally does not help. I just feel so bad and wonder why I can't just be content with what God has already given me. It stinks because I did feel content before the loss. I remember at one point thinking that while I would not mind more kids if this was all I got I'd be ok. Now, I just keep thinking, this can't be how it ends! I just don't know what to do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CalicoKat Posted September 11, 2012 Share Posted September 11, 2012 A year ago today I suffered an ectopic pregnancy where I lost my right fallopian tube. Previously we'd waited 9 years for a pregnancy before being blessed with little Lily, who was a complete surprise. Five years before that we'd adopted five kids from foster care. When Lily was just a little over a year old I was pregnant again. I was so excited. All of a sudden my infertility seemed a thing of the past. Two babies in two years! WOW! When it ended up being ectopic I was devastated. Devastated to the point of I could not open my Bible for months. I was talking to God, but most of it was questioning and angry. Today I am still hurting so much and I have to make a physical choice almost every day to have faith and trust in God. I'm back to Bible reading and prayer, but a lot of it feels like I'm just going through the motions. I can go for weeks without writing in my prayer journal. My problem is I feel so guilty feeling this way. So many women long for one kid, one baby. I have 6 kids and a great successful pregnancy story! How dare I have my pity party! (That is sincerely how I feel!) I feel so empty. My womb aches in a way it used to before I had my daughter. I've dealt with two very early miscarriages since the ectopic, which totally does not help. I just feel so bad and wonder why I can't just be content with what God has already given me. It stinks because I did feel content before the loss. I remember at one point thinking that while I would not mind more kids if this was all I got I'd be ok. Now, I just keep thinking, this can't be how it ends! I just don't know what to do. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Infertility sucks. The verses that give me comfort. Jeremiah 29:11 and Psa 113:9 Those are facts. Still the sadness overwhelms at times, but I have to remember the facts and not let my feelings get the better of me and life. :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theYoungerMrsWarde Posted September 11, 2012 Share Posted September 11, 2012 :grouphug: The only thing I could think to say, I don't think would help. I'm sure you've heard and read the the verses about God's plan and trusting in it.; you don't need me to mention them, too. Sometimes, when I feel far away from God due to a lack of faithfulness and regularity of prayer, instead of praying my own words I read psalms and prayers out of the Bible, so I don't have to worry about my own words. The Holy Spirit makes our intercession, even without us knowing what to say. There is also a series of books by EM Bounds on prayer. I didn't finish the book, but it blessed me to no end. They were written in the late 1800's, but completely relevant. Here is a free e-book version of one, and you can find the others online for free as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karen A Posted September 11, 2012 Share Posted September 11, 2012 :grouphug: What a hard situation. I'm sorry for the losses of your little ones. You are not alone in your feelings of "going through the motions" of faith after a devastating situation. I know some who have, and have come out stronger after an (unspecified, non-specific, some longer, some shorter) time. I'm still in that "time" myself. But I am being patient and gentle with myself, knowing God loves me as I am, and IS able to change me. I'm waiting for him to do so... Sending lots of love, Karen A Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted September 11, 2012 Share Posted September 11, 2012 I have to make a physical choice almost every day to have faith and trust in God. Being a faithful Christian isn't always easy. Sometimes it does require making the physical (and emotional) choice, daily. I believe that if you keep giving something over to God, He will work with it in the perfect way. But it might not take place overnight. Be gentle on yourself! I have to make this conscious decision daily, too. It is hard. I "lost" my husband to a massive brain injury two years ago. He is still with me, and God is slowly bringing him back -- or making parts of him new altogether. For a year and a half, I felt like dropping my faith. However, logically -- to me -- it still makes the most sense. I still want it. So I make that conscious decision every day even though I don't feel like it. My point is not really to point out my own problem, but to say that I do understand that guilt. I believe God works even with that. Give yourself time and try not to feel guilty about your guilt! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Little Nyssa Posted September 11, 2012 Share Posted September 11, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aelwydd Posted September 11, 2012 Share Posted September 11, 2012 I would suggest some counseling, as a way to work through your feelings of anger and grief. Whether or not you go on to have another baby, I think it's important to address your losses. I'm not one of those people who believes going on to have another baby will solve that "empty" feeling. So, that's my advice, get some counseling to help you heal, so that you can reach a place of acceptance and contentment again, whether that means more babies or none. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
speedmom4 Posted September 11, 2012 Share Posted September 11, 2012 :grouphug: You have been through a lot these past couple of years. May I suggest that some of the way you feel is due to the intense hormonal fluctuations you have had in such a short period of time? I have never had an ectopic pregnancy or a miscarriage but I have heard it wreaks havoc on your hormones. Don't be so hard on yourself! The emotions you are feeling are only natural and God understands our hurts. Blessings, Elise in NC Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happyhomemaker25 Posted September 11, 2012 Author Share Posted September 11, 2012 Thank you. I think my guilt really stems from having 6 beautiful happy children and having been able to experience pregnancy. I feel guilty for feeling so badly that I lost three babies when I have 6 great kids. I've felt the pain of infertility and childishness. There is an episode of Friends where Monica and Chandler are trying to adopt a baby. Chandler follows this birth mom into the hallway and says something about Monica being a mom without having any children to mother. I forget the exact wording, but I bawled like a baby the first time I saw that episode because I'd felt that way for so long. FF a few years and here I am a joyful mother of a houseful of kids. I feel so horrible about having this pity party when I've experienced so much of what other women long for. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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