Do all children at some time think

[Onceuponatime]

their parent/parents are judgmental or critical? Is there any way to avoid that without giving up parental responsibility?

 

Sometimes it seems no matter how lovingly I try to approach an issue, a child could percieve it as passing judgment, especially a teenager.

Edited August 30, 2012 by Onceuponatime

[NotSoObvious]

I'm not sure that's always a bad thing- especially as a teenager! I always knew my mom loved me unconditionally, but I definitely didn't do x, y, or z because I knew she would be disappointed.

[dbmamaz]

I think you have to do your best to be respectful but accept that sometimes their feelings will be hurt and they wont be rational about it

 

both of my older kids have cried, saying I loved the one after them more . . . even tho it was just that the younger (and special needs) one needed more from me.

 

I esp remember my daughter saying once, after seeming really mad at me for saying no to something, that she figured i'd say no but that didnt mean she wasnt going to ask - but in the moment she seemed so irate with me for saying no!

 

But i definitely try to pick my battles . .. very, very carefully. as teens, they do need to start learning from their own mistakes.

[momma2three]

Is being judgmental or critical of your child a bad thing? Keeping things within reason, obviously.

 

If so, I'm doing this whole parenting thing wrong, then. I love my kids more than anything, but I do not love all of their behaviors.

[hillfarm]

I think that with the growing desire for independence and freedom that is inherent as a child matures, it is also inevitable that the child will bump up against some constraints and jump to the automatic conclusion that those constraints are being issued due to unfair judgement and criticism. Most young people just do not have the maturity to perceive that some of their desires are unhealthy for them or those around them, illegal, not logistically possible, or in some other way detrimental to them or others. And of course, the common response to having their dreams shut down is that we parents are being judgemental or critical of their ideas.

 

Oh, please.

 

I've got some years on me and have seen the teen thing from both sides. I now have the wisdom to realize that much of what I proposed to do back then was ridiculous. I'd like to believe that I was wise enough even back then, under all those miffed and hurt feelings, to know that some of my ideas were much better shut down than enabled. It felt safe to be able to propose them, knowing that my parents had the other end of my safety line and would not let me get dangerously far afield.

 

In addition, I think it healthy for young people to learn to accept judgement and criticism. Because they are certainly in for a lot of it when they take their place in the adult world. Of course, I'm not talking about crushing a kindergartener's tender feelings, but more about those 10yo and up.

 

The fact is that life is full of people who will judge you, your behavior, your appearance, your performance, and your ideas quite harshly. I think it is much kinder for parents to raise their children to expect and understand this and to be able to learn from such input. Not all of my 13yo dd's ideas are good ones. Although I did kind of like the one where she wanted to get a pet lemur and train it to climb the tall Victorian houses in our area and clean out gutters for people. But no, I did not hesitate to provide feedback that probably felt critical to her. But thank God, we do not now own a lemur.

[regentrude]

I consider it a normal part of being a teenager and developing independence from the parents. And my role as a parent sometimes just is to be critical and judge; it is part of parenting.

[LisaBoo]

I think they all do it at some point, it's how they figure out who they are. It's probably more important how we react to it then what they say. My 9yo has started giving me more attitude and tone lately and I am so glad I have listened to the Love and Logic audios over the years, they have helped tremendously. I don't have it all together yet but I know I respond much better then if I hadn't educated myself about how to deal with an ever developing child.

[swellmomma]

Mine have generally all thought that at a time or two. I generally agree with them when they think that and remind them it is my job to be so until they learn disernment themselves. As for passing judgement well again that is my role at times. I remind my kids that as their mother I have been given the lovely task of being judge and jury, so I make judgements all the time based on behaviour and attitude for example. Sometimes my older kids have claimed that my comments and such hurt their feelings, if I crossed the line I apologize but generally I tell them if they don't stop xyz then society is going to hurt their feelings a whole lot more.

 

For example, work ethic. My oldest son's work ethic is in the toilet. In fact he is fairly lazy. When given an assignment he will generally try to half-arse it and submit something that clearly he put no thought, effort or energy into. I make him start over and at times I will flat out tell him to smarten up and stop being so lazy. And on at least one occasion told him if this is the quality of work he thinks he can put out he may as well start practiciing how to say "Do you want fries with that?" Judgement yes. Did his feelings get hurt? Yes. Did I give a carp? No not really. The fact is unless he starts putting effort into what he does he is going to find his life incrediably difficult, with no job, no education and no future.

 

Or my daughter with the bikini incident. She certainly felt judged when it came to the discussion on that one when she got home. But frankly the image you put forth is judged by every person that sees you. Which is better to face a fairly minor judgement at home of a loved one trying to steer you right, or the harsh judgements of the world at large, since they don't really give a carp what happens to you.

 

Until my children are old enough and mature enough to discern for themselves then they get to have me doing that for them, whether they like it or not. I will not abdicate my responsibilities because someone's feelings got a little hurt. In 10-15 years they will see the truth of the situation even if they can't now, that you were never the big bad meanie out to ruin their lives and make them miserable.