X-Post, Perfectionism and Meltdowns

[duckabell]

I'm trying to find ways to help my son deal with his perfectionistic tendencies without melting down. He will be five next week and is a great kid, although he can be a little immature. His biggest problem is that if something isn't perfect, i.e. a tear in a paper, blocks not lining up, etc., he will have a meltdown.

 

This morning I got out the cusinearrie rods for free play and within two minutes he was super upset because they wouldn't line up perfectly to make a helicopter and they kept slipping. We moved onto a coloring activity and he was again upset because he messed up and I ultimately just printed off another page for him, although I wasn't sure that was the right thing to do.

 

So how do I convince him that things don't need to be perfect and help him emotionally through these tendencies? He's a bright kid and is already reading, but I just see these meltdowns holding him back. How do I help him do hard things without completely frustrating him or me? Is it better to just skip on some harder fine-motor things until he's matured a bit? Any advice would be appreciated.

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[Uff Da!]

nm

Edited February 6, 2015 by Brightening

[serendipitous journey]

This is one normal way for a 5-yo to be -- he's probably a bright little boy. It will almost certainly improve as he gets older; Button has a similar temperament, and almost-7 is so much easier than almost-5!!!

 

I didn't discipline perfectionism in his play time, other than we don't allow throwing toys or kicking things that oughtn't be kicked (balls okay; couches or lego buildings, not okay), but I did empathize with his feeling, redirect his energies, and consistently point out my own mistakes and shortcomings. I do NOT beat up on myself (at least out loud :D), but I try to model the gentle acceptance of my mistakes and the ability to keep going that I want the children to develop.

 

School was sometimes awfully hard with my perfectionist, esp. math. I started doing VERY short lessons, breaking them up with running around or jumping or ball-throwing or something every couple of problems, and requiring Button to work through mistakes. We started small -- at first he just had to keep doing the work, but could go to a new problem; then he wasn't allowed to destroy the error, but had to let it sit (or cross out with a single line) and then we'd move on to the next one; the next step was that after an upsetting error, we would take a break, grab a M&M, and then keep going. I think it is best if you can keep a gentle, calm demeanor and not let frustration show during the perfectionist breakdowns: they are just overwhelmed, and need help managing themselves. I really try to keep myself "on the child's side" and picture myself as helping him, as opposed to struggling with him, and that attitude is much more productive (and easier to maintain with practice, thank goodness!).

 

At our house, if Button doesn't finish his school work either all his living-room toys get taken away or he is in his room for the remaining school hours, and during the time we'd read before bed (the latter is the consequence now that I have another child who wants to play with the toys in the living room). So that is how I enforced things.

 

-- that's not a particular script for your child, but just one example. This perfectionism can be so frustrating, but it does usually go along with an inquisitive mind so that's a plus! :grouphug:

Edited August 6, 2012 by serendipitous journey

[MerryAtHope]

It's a process. But one way is to be very careful how you model behavior--how do you handle mistakes that you make, mistakes others make that upset you, and so on. We all need freedom to make mistakes, that's how we learn. Things aren't going to be perfect, it's ok.

 

I think it was fine to print out another page for your son. It's also fine to casually say, "I can see that this activity is too frustrating. We'll put it up for now and try something else." If he really wants to do it, then show him right and wrong ways to handle frustration. It's ok to say, "I'm frustrated," and then get a drink of water, go to the bathroom, ask for help, walk around a bit--whatever you find acceptable. It's not ok to yell, scream, throw things, hit--ie hurt people or property.

 

Stories of people who overcame failures are great to read to your kids too (ie, Thomas Edison, etc...)

 

Hang in there! Merry :-)

[Momof3littles]

The book Mindset gave me a lot of good things to talk about with my perfectionistic eldest child. He has improved in the last year...he's 8.5 now. He had to mature out of some of it.

 

We also talked a lot about how something was a 1 or a 2 on a scale of 0-10, with 10 being an extremely serious, upsetting event. I had to teach him how to dial back his response to something in line with the actual event. A ripped paper is a 1 or 2, not a 10. I try not to minimize how he feels, and reflect what he's feeling, but I also had to help him gauge what is or isn't an appropriate response to a relatively minor issue.

[duckabell]

Thank you so much for the replies. This gives me some things to think about. I'll check out the book Mindset as well.

[brendag]

I bought many of the books by Elizabeth Crary for the different issues we've had with our kids. They are both 5 now and have liked these books for the most part. I also like them as the kids in the stories are given several ways of dealing with the feelings.

 

A lot of good advice in previous posts!

 

http://www.amazon.com/Im-Frustrated-Dealing-With-Feelings/dp/0943990645

 

Brenda

[Violet Crown]

This may not be what you want to hear, but I had one of those! And she never changed: she is the brightest of the girls, she's about to start at a good college, in a very challenging double major, and she still falls apart when anything goes a little bit wrong. In the face of having achieved at a high level by any objective measure, she sees small failures as proof of Being No Good At Anything. And she cries. She was greatly cheered, though, by seeing Olympic athletes this week in tears; it's good to know you're not alone.

 

Lots of good advice in the replies. Even if the perfectionism never goes away, they do get some self-awareness and ability to redirect constructively, and you can help to promote that.