Is there any way to "befriend" a possibly autistic 3-year-old?

[kubiac]

{deleted because i now feel superawful about ever posting this or even thinking it, but thank you for all the wisdom, from all sides}

Edited August 2, 2012 by kubiac
second thoughts!

[Ecclecticmum]

What about something visual? Like Walking with Dinosaurs? (well maybe not that, but something educational and interesting about dino's) What about a mini fossil dig?

 

It really depends on the type of child he is, sensory wise. Does he like to be dirty? Get into things? Then something like the dig could be fun. If he's quite and prefer stuffed animals and cleanliness, obviously thats not the way to go. Basically you don't want to provide a sensory experience he'll hate.

 

Trash-o-saurus (Homeschool dens blog) is a big undertaking, but would be fun, to splatter, and help paint etc.

 

I have a sensory seeker, so its hard to think of things for cleanliness/quietness (although mine does tend to be inconsistent with the dirty/clean part, he's afraid of new sensory stuff like "goop" and its 50/50 whether it will be a win/lose situation.

 

What about Kumon books? Activity Bags?

 

Some children prefer no talk and more action. If he doesn't want to talk, maybe try going through the activity approach, just play around with something (like activity bags etc) till he catches on and see if he joins in.

 

Dino puzzles, have you tried those? Either the 3d balsa wood skeletons or the normal jogsaw puzzles.

 

My son was enamoured with the polymer croc we got. You put in in a tub of water and over the next few days, he grows. He was excited to keep coming back an realizing it had gotten bigger. There are hatching dino versions as well.

 

Something I saw that was pretty cool was a helium balloon dino. You can order it, then go to the shop to get him filled up. He has a weight/leash, so he can become your pet dino, and you can walk around with him. Remote Control stuff is another thing my son likes.

 

Chaos (DS) is currently on a Disney Cars obsession, hes had this fascination for about 3 years? I'm guessing, now. He'd probably be bored with just books as well. He has electronic Mcqueens, Mcqueen story pillows, stuffed soft mcqueens, a million and two diecast cars, clothing etc. We walked past McQueen Boxer Shorts and he even got excited over those (although ended up coming out of the store with a loop the loop chuggington & train set, his first non-cars purchase in ages lol. He likes chuggington too, just not as much as Cars and his "Queen".

[carriede]

Does he get upset when you try to play with him or does he simply not engage you? If he's not upset, I'd just play along side him. If he'll talk, ask him about what dinosaur he's playing with. He may not answer you now, but one day he might. Routine is important to people with Aspergers so just the habit of you being there may be enough for him.

[Hoot]

Make sure the lights aren't too bright.

 

Don't try to force him to talk.

 

If he starts "babbling" to you, listen carefully to him. He's trying to say something important.

 

If he gets upset and isn't speaking coherently, there IS a reason; he's not just being difficult. You need to do a little detective work to figure it out. (Bright lights, scratchy clothes, hungry, sleepy etc.)

 

If he doesn't want to play with you, don't force it. Play near him. Show him how fun what you're doing is but don't interact WITH him. He may come to you or he may not. It has to be his decision.

 

If you have dogs or cats or other animals, put them away when he's around unless he seems to have an affinity for them.

 

If he only eats 7 foods, make sure you have those 7 foods handy. Don't try to coerce him into eating other things, at least not yet. Eventually he probably WILL eat other things, but for now he needs to know that you are respectful of HIS choices.

 

More often than not, autistic children are REALLY smart in at least one area. At 3, I'm not surprised that the books are getting a ho-hum reaction. Language may not be his "thing" right now. Most autistic kids that I have taught were AMAZING with technology. In my classroom I couldn't put blocks or timers on the computers because they ALL knew how to get past them.

 

Make sure he has a space of his "own" to go if he's feeling overwhelmed. It doesn't have to be anything elaborate but it should be somewhere small that he can manipulate. I used to have a kid that liked to sit in the trash can. :tongue_smilie: I created a teeny little corner in the back of the class with a bean bag chair, blanket and some things that the kids could manipulate and squish in their hands when they were feeling anxious. At some point or another almost everyday there would be one kid back there underneath the beanbag chair with the blanket over top. They were trying to block out the lights and noise for a little while.

 

If he starts to throw a fit and go berserk to the point where he might hurt himself, grab him, turn off the lights and hold him TIGHT in your lap. He will probably fight you at first but most autistic children respond to a very tight and deep pressure when in distress.

 

Then again, sometimes a "fit thrower" is just doing it to see if they can trust you. I had one who had been treated badly by a teacher in kindergarten, and was understandably wary of me. He would throw shoes at me, scream at me, kick and hit the walls, etc. I let him do it at first. He was testing me. Within a short while he realized that I was not going to tie him to a chair like his previous teacher had done. He could actually trust me. He then started climbing up into my lap for stories, holding my hand on field trips etc. and he stopped throwing those blasted shoes. :D I even went to his home numerous times to babysit him and give his grandparents some much needed respite. It has been a few years since I had him so I rarely see him anymore, but to this day when I DO see him, he's all smiles and hugs and happy to see me.

 

Just love him where he is and on his level and on his terms.

[LNC]

A very dear friend of mine has a three-year-old boy whom I am increasingly certain has Asperger's. From what my friend has told me, her own adult brother is high-functioning autistic (she's convinced that their mother keeps him that way for her own benefit, but...), so I think it runs in the family. I know three can just tough age, but there's definitely something about this boy's rigidity that screams of Asperger's (or something in that vein).

 

Anyway, I think I know how to support her as a friend--among other things I'm planning to keep my big mouth shut until she's ready to approach her son's possibly learning/developmental differences on her own terms in her own way--but is there anything I can do in the meantime to endear myself to her son?

 

He's obsessed with dinosaurs so I ply him with gift books on that topic, but even that's getting less and less of a reaction. He doesn't make eye contact unless forced, he doesn't seem to like to talk, and he can't be bribed with snacks since he only eats seven foods. He's very smart and bright-eyed, but the company of other people seems to stress or irritate him.

 

When we have the opportunity to spend time together, is there anything I can do to make his time with us more pleasant and "easy" for him to process? Should I talk less? Should I make sure the environment is somehow less stimulating?

 

If I just cease interacting with him, I feel like I'm giving up on him and betraying my friend, but I'm at a loss about how to please him.

 

Any and all hints on what might make for a successful (or more successful) approach?

 

Sit on the floor with him and follow his lead. Enter his world as long as it doesn't overstimulate him. If he picks up a dinosaur, you do too etc. Don't be loud or pushy... Read Engaging Autism about the Floortime method. HTH!

[Tidbits of Learning]

A very dear friend of mine has a three-year-old boy whom I am increasingly certain has Asperger's. From what my friend has told me, her own adult brother is high-functioning autistic (she's convinced that their mother keeps him that way for her own benefit, but...), so I think it runs in the family. I know three can just tough age, but there's definitely something about this boy's rigidity that screams of Asperger's (or something in that vein).

 

Anyway, I think I know how to support her as a friend--among other things I'm planning to keep my big mouth shut until she's ready to approach her son's possibly learning/developmental differences on her own terms in her own way--but is there anything I can do in the meantime to endear myself to her son?

 

He's obsessed with dinosaurs so I ply him with gift books on that topic, but even that's getting less and less of a reaction. He doesn't make eye contact unless forced, he doesn't seem to like to talk, and he can't be bribed with snacks since he only eats seven foods. He's very smart and bright-eyed, but the company of other people seems to stress or irritate him.

 

When we have the opportunity to spend time together, is there anything I can do to make his time with us more pleasant and "easy" for him to process? Should I talk less? Should I make sure the environment is somehow less stimulating?

 

If I just cease interacting with him, I feel like I'm giving up on him and betraying my friend, but I'm at a loss about how to please him.

 

Any and all hints on what might make for a successful (or more successful) approach?

 

No offense, but I would not be quick to jump at a conclusion about her son. You seem to be convinced of a diagnosis and just waiting for her to see the signs based on your observations and inside knowledge of her brother.

Some kids are just that way at 3. I wouldn't try to befriend a 3 year old. Most of the time and developmentally appropriate behavior is that they are "me" people at that age. Often, they are not interested in the adults around them.

I am going to be really blunt here and say that it would have creeped me out if a friend was trying to befriend my child at 3 and secretly believed by child was on the spectrum and was ready to support me and just waiting until I realized my child had issues. I have 4 children and 2 of my children were the quirkiest toddlers and preschoolers.

I have been down this path with a friend. We are no longer friends and my horribly shy (yes some kids are just plain shy around adults-especially adults trying to be overly friendly and observe their every response) child is still a developmentally appropriate 10 year old with friends.

At 3, almost all children obsess over one thing or another. It is developmentally appropriate. At 3, I would have been shocked had any of my children wanted to play with an adult friend of mine. It is a very "me" age. Every child is different. There is a huge parameter of normal. Just b/c you are privy to her family information on her brother does not mean that it is genetic or that her son is following that path.

I would say a successful approach would be to treat him how you would any of your other friend's children. You are not giving up on him because there is nothing to give up on and no where in your original post did you say the mom is worried or stressed or has even asked your opinion.

I'm planning to keep my big mouth shut until she's ready to approach her son's possibly learning/developmental differences on her own terms in her own way

As a parent of children that just needed time and some speech therapy, this really bothers me that in your head you have diagnosed this child and are just waiting on mom to notice. You are willing to sit back and not say anything, but in the meantime you are observing and noting and well honestly looking for reactions and signs from this child that may not be there.

This is just me, but it bothers me that your friend is unwittingly inviting you over for adult company and you are observing her child and making assumptions. He has parents and a pediatrician.

I'm going to say this honestly and bluntly. Whether you open your mouth or not, she is going to notice your increased interest and whether you mean for it to be obvious or not...your friend is going to realize you think her son is not "normal". She is going to regret talking to you about her other family issues. She is going to spend less time with you. She is probably getting together for some adult time. She probably is not looking for a friend for her 3 year old and certainly not one who is trying to befriend her child and waiting for her to see the light on his "problems". There is no way for this to end well for you. Her child is most likely developmentally fine or she would be noticing things and so would the pediatrician. None of the things you wrote scream aspergers or autism spectrum for a 3 year old to me.

Most 3 year old boys are not interested in their Mom's adult friends. They are interested in what they are playing with at the time. They are normally no where near as verbal as girls at that age and much more physical. They get obsessed with things such as dinosaurs, trucks, and super heroes. They lose interest when they have a ton of these type toys. Maybe he is just sick of dinosaurs. Some kids do not like a lot of noise or stimuli naturally. Some are just unsure of themselves in groups.

Enjoy your friend and quit trying to befriend her child. IF there is an issue, your friend, her dh, and her pediatrician will let you know.

[Kathryn]

I wouldn't assume based on pp's post that she'll be upset. I have a friend who was concerned about both children of another friend of hers. She was constantly asking me questions and advice on how to interact with her friend's children. She read, she gathered information. And one day, her friend finally confessed her worries. My friend was able to discuss her concerns, the behaviors she'd noted, and tell her what her next step should be. Her friend had always assumed everything was fine because their pediatrician dismissed her concerns. Pediatricians are NOT developmental/behavioral specialists. They see a physically healthy child on average of less than an hour a year. Anyway, my friend's friend's children have now both been diagnosed. The younger is receiving early intervention and the older now has an IEP at school.

 

As to what to do, I do agree that if you're being invited over to socialize with the adults, it's kind of odd to be trying to engage her child. If you're in some sort of situation where you would normally be engaging with the child, that's different (for instance, my friend babysat her friend's children often). Interaction should be solely on his terms. You can get down on the floor with him and follow his lead. Talk to him, but don't press for a response if none is forthcoming. Honestly, what's best for my son is to be able to sit back and observe what "normal" interactions look like without being pressed to perform. While he loves attention from those he loves, it makes him extremely uncomfortable from others.

[JR the hs dad]

Sit on the floor with him and follow his lead. Enter his world as long as it doesn't overstimulate him. If he picks up a dinosaur, you do too etc. Don't be loud or pushy... Read Engaging Autism about the Floortime method. HTH!

 

This is great advice, even if he's a "normal" kid who is just quiet - the Floortime method is very good for interacting with any child. The basic concept is that you join him in his "world" by playing the way he likes to play and then gently draw him by small steps into your world. If he doesn't communicate with you, just keep playing. Always keep an engaging, positive attitude toward him. If you want to draw him into communication with you, insert yourself into his play world.

 

For example, have a dinosaur you're both playing with jump onto your shoulder while you're sitting there with him. "Look, the dinosaur jumped onto my shoulder!" If he wants the dinosaur, he's going to look at you and reach for it to take it off your shoulder or make some sort of verbal or non-verbal request for you to give it to him. You just communicated! Maybe you can turn it into a simple game to keep the interaction going.

 

I think the most important things for you as a friend are to play in his world and keep a positive disposition toward him.

[Hunter]

 

If he doesn't want to play with you, don't force it. Play near him. Show him how fun what you're doing is but don't interact WITH him.

 

:iagree:

 

It doesn't really matter whether or not he is on the spectrum. Just deal with today, and what is right in your face.

 

If he doesn't like eye contact and too much direct attention, play NEXT to him or set up a comfortable play area for him. He'll notice that and appreciate that, as much as more typical children appreciate the things you are used to doing, to greet them when they come into your home.

 

It's not about labels. It's about meeting people where they are at.

 

Spectrum stuff runs in my family, and in my ex-husband's family. When I was dealing with my 2E kid, no one was talking about AS or milder spectrum disorders. Both families were coping the best they could in ignorance and denial and covering up and accommodating. And in the middle of it all, in the dark I muddled along the best I could, which wasn't always good enough for my son.

 

You have been thrust into a situation you don't have the vocabulary and experience yet to process. Be gentle with yourself and I hope other more experienced people, who are reading this thread, will be gentle with you too. No one can expect you to do better than your previous experiences have given you tools to use. I hope people here will give you tools. I have no doubt that you will attempt to use them.

 

Remember this isn't your problem above being a good hostess. Less in more here.

[Hunter]

Pediatricians are NOT developmental/behavioral specialists.

 

Twice I brought up my concerns with my son's pediatrician. Both times he treated me like I had Munchausen by proxy. I was so scared by his reaction to me, that I shut right up. It still makes me tear up and shake to remember.

 

What makes me mad, is that he noticed my niece who is far less affected than my son, and pushed my sister to get her tested :-0 I know the doctor education in the 2000's is so different than the 80s and 90s, but...still :-0 It's the accusing and mocking and shaming that he directed at me, that I remember so much.

 

Honestly, I think the doctor's reaction had more to do with his general impression of us. I was a low income and young stay-at-home mom. My sister was an older career woman.

 

Some moms who appear to be denying things, are being neglected by the doctor, and pressured by family members to be quiet, and they are mucking along the best they can. Sometimes anyway.

[Ecclecticmum]

:iagree: When I went in to each doctors I have been to about Chaos(DS), each doctor brought up something else, basically ignored/ridiculed etc. This last time I was prepared, but in a way I still wasn't. I knew I had to be ready to defend myself (for my son), but wasn't prepared to what degree, its been a few days, and there was no way I could even speak about it till now.

 

In the course of one doctors visit I had to defend:

 

My rights to be there, and the doctor basically counting me as an overprotective mother

Some things my son did when he "suggested" that maybe I had over/underracted.

Not coming in sooner (um, hello, I have tried several doctors)

Ignoring my sons "signs" till now (no, I have not been)

Not "preschooling" him at a public school

homeschooling

 

PLUS a whole lot more I seem to have blanked from my memory. The simple fact is, it's hard to find a non-judging doctor. For some odd reason, doctors seem to like to poke/dig & ridicule. :confused:

 

I got home just in time to burst into tears. I felt like a failure, I cried out of self-pity, I walloed a bucket about DS, and for the next 2 days I was basically a zombie, anything set me off crying again. The only thing I am proud of is I managed to make it home before I broke down. DH was stressed, so when I asked him to do something, he yelled, which set-off the enormous dam of tears.

 

Even the most diligent mother, so I have been told, will go through periods where they will be like "See, there is something wrong, look at how he's...." then jumping to "no, there's nothing wrong, I mean look at how he's...." and back and forth. I went through this the whole time. Because of doctors acting as if every mother has the "only child" syndrome, I would believe I was over-reacting, which was then followed by a period where I got the "mothers inutuition" again.

 

Had more people come up to me and actually said "well I noticed this about DS" I would of felt like I was not going insane, and I wasn't the only one to see it, and I probably would of pushed more diligently in getting a doctor to understand.

[kubiac]

{deleted on account of shame and guilt. ack!}

Edited August 2, 2012 by kubiac

[Parker Martin]

No offense, but I would not be quick to jump at a conclusion about her son. You seem to be convinced of a diagnosis and just waiting for her to see the signs based on your observations and inside knowledge of her brother.

Some kids are just that way at 3. I wouldn't try to befriend a 3 year old. Most of the time and developmentally appropriate behavior is that they are "me" people at that age. Often, they are not interested in the adults around them.

I am going to be really blunt here and say that it would have creeped me out if a friend was trying to befriend my child at 3 and secretly believed by child was on the spectrum and was ready to support me and just waiting until I realized my child had issues. I have 4 children and 2 of my children were the quirkiest toddlers and preschoolers.

 

:iagree: My five year old was very much like this as a three year old, and I would not have appreciated this behavior. Some kids are like that as preschoolers and grow out of it.

[Kathryn]

Even the most diligent mother, so I have been told, will go through periods where they will be like "See, there is something wrong, look at how he's...." then jumping to "no, there's nothing wrong, I mean look at how he's...." and back and forth. I went through this the whole time. Because of doctors acting as if every mother has the "only child" syndrome, I would believe I was over-reacting, which was then followed by a period where I got the "mothers inutuition" again.

 

Had more people come up to me and actually said "well I noticed this about DS" I would of felt like I was not going insane, and I wasn't the only one to see it, and I probably would of pushed more diligently in getting a doctor to understand.

 

:grouphug: I SO identify. We had our concerns pretty much from birth, but EVERYONE dismissed them as "normal" or "all kids do that sometimes." All it took was ONE person to give me outside validation for me to pursue diagnosis, which then took almost a year because of the long waiting lists for professionals. My son wasn't diagnosed until 5.5, so missed any chance for early intervention, and is still at almost 7yo about two years down on the waiting list for the behavioral therapy he needs.

[Aoife]

My oldest is high functioning autistic and my 3yo is pddnos although his neurologist and I are suspecting he may be further in the spectrum.

 

HFA kids are awesome but they can also be super challenging! blanket statements of they don't like XYZ don't really work here because just like nuerotypical kids they are all so different from each other. Also many but not all spectrum kids also have sensory processing disorder which can range from mild to severe and have it's own host of peculiarities.

 

one thing that seems to hold true for most on the spectrum is obsession with particular topics to the extreme and if you really want to attempt to engage them then that is probably the best way. Try slowly talking about that subject or approach with a toy related to that subject. Just do not be put off if you are rejected because some ASD kiddos will feel very invaded especially if they are already out of their comfort zone (their home)

 

My kiddo actually tends to come across very social unless he is overloaded. He just has ZERO social skills. He will walk right up to a stranger and tell them about his underwear or go sit on a strange man's lap or pet other children he's never met :lol:

 

It's when he is in sensory overload that you see the typical ASD mannerisms come out like hand flapping, covering the ears and such.

 

the signs of autism started showing at 18 months with my son and became undeniable when he was 3 which prompted us to come out of denial and have him evaluated.

 

I myself am HFA as is my son's father (he is from my first marriage but adopted by my DH) so I do believe there is a genetic connection there :tongue_smilie:

[Hunter]

and there was no way I could even speak about it till now.

 

 

THIS!

 

I don't know how often I have remained silent about something, even when I knew my silence was making people think incorrect and worse things about me. To talk at all, opens up a door for someone to engage in direct shaming and invasive questions. Especially when we don't even have the vocabulary for what we are experiencing and observing, it's just so much easier to remain silent, or make some sort of silly pronouncement.

 

I have occasionally held some bizzare conversations with people, just to avoid speaking about something, that I was too ashamed to talk about, or didn't have the vocabulary to use.

 

Sometimes moms are very aware there is something different, even if their words to others seem to suggest otherwise.

[...................]

Well IMO sometimes it takes a village. I had one friend whom everybody was afraid to tell her that her dd wasn't "normal.". Everyone waited and waited, and the girl never received Language intervention till she was 4.5. Now she has never really recovered- though she finally started talking at 4.5 she can't make her own thoughts and phrases. She can parrot, and she does it in context, so thankfully she can communicate but...not like others.

 

 

I have another friend whose son is on the spectrum and we bravely stepped in and encouraged her to seek help. The difference in one year is truly astounding, and he would NOT have made those advances without the speech and behavioral therapy.

 

 

So I think you should tell this mom your thoughts. Besides, I think it'll creep her out and upset her more that you have all these concerns and Said nothing. Friends should be open. Even if all that happens, is that she says you are nuts, she will now trust you far more for opening up!

[Crimson Wife]

When my youngest was diagnosed with autism, I became a bit concerned about my 2nd child. He has issues with maintaining eye contact and has a tendency to talk *AT* people rather than with them. He also gets along better with kids who are younger than him (his best friend is our 4 1/2 y.o. neighbor when DS is 6 3/4). So I took him to the pediatric neurologist to have him evaluated for possible Asperger's or PDD-NOS. After doing the evaluation, she said that she didn't think he was on the spectrum at all but rather had ADHD-Combined and anxiety.