Mama Geek Posted July 16, 2012 Share Posted July 16, 2012 Several of you have talked about the book Protecting the Gift by Gavin De Becker so since I have a young dd I thought it would be worth the read. I am not all the way through it yet, but something just really jumped out at me. "Declining to hear the word no is a signal that someone is either seeking control or refusing to relinquish it." This isn't just true with predators, but can also be true with family. I deal with it on a regular basis with extended family. I more pictured it as a lack of respect for me when I say no to something or am asked about my opinion on something and then, the same question is asked over and over again and then they do their own thing anyway. (I am talking even something as stupid as what to bring over for part of a meal at my house.) I give an answer and I give the same answer multiple times and then it is ignored. It really is about trying to gain control. Maybe I need to read Boundaries next. I started it years ago and never finished it. Thanks for the book recommendation! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted July 16, 2012 Share Posted July 16, 2012 "Declining to hear the word no is a signal that someone is either seeking control or refusing to relinquish it." This isn't just true with predators, but can also be true with family. No kidding! I have a teen who declines to hear the word "no" on a regular basis. It's all about control. This teen thinks we are peers and have equal authority. Um, no. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leanna Tomlinson Posted July 16, 2012 Share Posted July 16, 2012 "Declining to hear the word no is a signal that someone is either seeking control or refusing to relinquish it." WOW!! This is true on so many levels......kids, extended family, friends, sales people.... I'm definitely going to remember this one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
El... Posted July 16, 2012 Share Posted July 16, 2012 I read that book recently, too! I thought that list was very insightful; it could be used to identify other types of people who want to take control of my choices. I remember a certain car salesman, for example. :glare: Is the author the expert he claims to be? Or is that list of characteristics common knowledge in the police community, and he just explained it with sensational stories? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather R Posted July 16, 2012 Share Posted July 16, 2012 Is the author the expert he claims to be? Or is that list of characteristics common knowledge in the police community, and he just explained it with sensational stories? Here is his bio from his firm's website. He certainly seems to have experience. He does have a way of communicating that makes things seem obvious in retrospect. I think that is all part of his gift though; helping us to tap into what we already "know". Heather Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PiCO Posted July 16, 2012 Share Posted July 16, 2012 "Declining to hear the word no is a signal that someone is either seeking control or refusing to relinquish it." (Love this book.) Remind me- how does the author suggest dealing with someone who declines no? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ereks mom Posted July 17, 2012 Share Posted July 17, 2012 No kidding! I have a teen who declines to hear the word "no" on a regular basis. It's all about control. This teen thinks we are peers and have equal authority. Um, no. One of my students is like this: thinks she and her mom are peers and have equal authority. She's not like that with me, but she is so nasty to her mom. I actually said something to the girl yesterday at church because she was being so hateful to her mom and ai just couldn't stand it. I put my arm around her and said, "That's your mother you're talking to, and you need to be more respectful." Yes, I said it right in front of the mom. I said it twice, in fact, because after the first time, the girl started trying to tell me how she had a right to be mad at her mom. So I just repeated it. The girl hushed up. Now, I probably wouldn't do this to just anybody's kid, but the mom is one of my dearest friends, and the girl is one of my students. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mama Geek Posted July 17, 2012 Author Share Posted July 17, 2012 (Love this book.) Remind me- how does the author suggest dealing with someone who declines no? Part of it is to be very clear that the answer is no, don't leave it to question even if you come across rude. Dh has gotten hooked on the book now and I haven't finished it. Maybe someone else can answer the question. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kricau Posted July 17, 2012 Share Posted July 17, 2012 I am interested :) Can you give us a brief review of what the book is about? When I first saw the headline "Protecting the Gift" I though it might be a bout abstinence? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mama Geek Posted July 17, 2012 Author Share Posted July 17, 2012 It is about learning to trust your intuition about people and learning the signs that someone is going to be a problem and what you can do. Here is the link on Amazon http://www.amazon.com/Protecting-Gift-Keeping-Children-Teenagers/dp/0440509009/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1342487164&sr=8-1&keywords=protecting+the+gift Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julie in Austin Posted July 17, 2012 Share Posted July 17, 2012 His other book, The Gift of Fear, is also excellent. All parents should read these. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kricau Posted July 17, 2012 Share Posted July 17, 2012 Oooh, that sounds GOOD, thank you. It is about learning to trust your intuition about people and learning the signs that someone is going to be a problem and what you can do. Here is the link on Amazon http://www.amazon.com/Protecting-Gift-Keeping-Children-Teenagers/dp/0440509009/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1342487164&sr=8-1&keywords=protecting+the+gift Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angela in ohio Posted July 17, 2012 Share Posted July 17, 2012 (Love this book.) Remind me- how does the author suggest dealing with someone who declines no? I think it was in the part with the mom who was shopping with her son when the man kept asking if the son wanted to go off with him and she said no. (It's been years since I read it.) His point was that you need to identify that person as a risk and treat them as such. At the point where someone isn't respecting you saying no as a parent, you need to snap to and be prepared for a threat. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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