The emotional/psychological side of LDs

[peacefully]

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[Geo]

I'm trying to do this on my phone, so please bear with me. I'm wondering how folks are addressing the emotional issues that often go hand in hand with LDs—perfectionism, self-criticism, apathy, anxiety, low self-esteem, whatever. For my ds, fostering a learning environment that suits his strengths and interests goes a long way in alleviating the worst of his perfectionism and anxiety, but I think I also need to tackle these issues more directly. At this point, his affective issues are a bigger concern than anything else. I'm interested in whatever resources or ideas that you have to share, and I'll be back later with the book list I'm working through.

 

Ironically, I just posted again to my own thread about NLD. I spoke directly to you there about how my husband found a way around some of the issues you are talking about. I am not suggesting his way as THE way...but it does promote unconventional alternatives, and out-of-the-box thinking...at least for NLD people.

 

BTW, my husband has been very successful doing it "his way". His professional success has only been thwarted by a genetic predisposition for severe osteoarthritis. He now wants to turn that obstacle into an opportunity for volunteer, community service.

 

When you're busy helping others, there is less time to dwell on one's problems. The added self-esteem boost of helping others seems to lessen the need to perfect one's own deficits/defects as well...probably by broadening perspective.

 

ETA: can't wait for the booklist!

 

Smooches :)

Edited May 17, 2012 by Geo

[TippyCanoe]

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Edited November 21, 2012 by Doodler

[MomatHWTK]

I have this link saved, but haven't had time to read through the materials yet:

http://www.udel.edu/cds/familyeducation/therapists-sessions.html

[Geo]

 

I wish I had an on-call psychologist in the house. And a neurologist. And a biochemist. And a hot-line phone to several of you on these boards!

 

 

Heck, I wish I could add YOU to speed-dial!...Or, at least have access to you IRL. :D

[rafiki]

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[TippyCanoe]

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Edited November 21, 2012 by Doodler

[rafiki]

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[Cynful]

Ladies,

 

Thank you!!! Honestly, I hardly post as I feel so overwhelmed most times but I can't tell you how much I appreciate reading all of your posts. I read and sit here and cry or laugh or nod in agreement and it makes me feel better. This particular thread really hit me.

 

Again, thank you for always publicly sharing!!!

[peacefully]

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[Jennifer-72]

I have always made lots of mistakes (on purpose and not so purposely:tongue_smilie:)in front of ds. I then have verbalized the thought process I go through when making a mistake. I also try to make sure when modeling a new skill or activity for ds7 that I make a mistake. He thinks he should be able to do things flawlessly on the first try, so it has been very helpful for him to not have a flawless model to live up to.

 

Our psychologist suggested that when ds started with a negative thought to help him reframe it by say something along the lines of: "that isn't a particularly helpful thought, perhaps it would be more helpful to tell yourself ____________". Now that he is older we mainly point out that the thought isn't helpful and what does he think would be more helpful to tell himself.

[Pen]

Just a thought, may be totally wrong for your ds.

 

Mine will sometimes use great self reprimand etc. in order to head off what he thinks may be likely to come from without, that is if he thinks he might be reprimanded for losing a toy, he could heap on the self reprimand so as to fend off any from the outside.

 

Yours could be doing something similar and using this as a means (almost certainly not conscious though) to get a soothing response from you. That could make sense for why it is the "little things" like maybe not cleaning his room--but which he is probably supposed to do. And not the "big things" like being more coordinated, which is not expected of him, and where probably all he hears are positives for little achievements.

[TippyCanoe]

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[rafiki]

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[TippyCanoe]

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Edited November 25, 2012 by Doodler

[rafiki]

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[Tiramisu]

Yllek, I PM'd you; but I thought I'd share here that I think some of our kids are neurologically wired in a way that makes them react in over-the-top ways to what are such small everyday occurrences.

 

My dd seemed to be born with an obsession with figuring out life's "rules," in every aspect that might ever come up. If sidewalks were for walking on, she'd sit down if I stepped off one to walk around an obstacle. She'd still be sitting there if I hadn't picked her up and carried her around it. If she watched kids playing a game of catch, she'd watch for weeks on end in order to try to figure out all the ins and outs, so that once she joined in she wouldn't make any mistakes -- even though as she watched she constantly saw other kids making mistakes, saw rules being re-negotiated and made up on the spot. When she was five or six, she insisted on raising her hand at the table despite the fact that sometimes only she and I were sitting there. When I told her she could talk to me whenever she liked without raising her hand, she said, "It makes me feel safe."

 

So if rules and doing things "right" are kind of a magical way of protecting themselves and others; if these same kids have SPD issues that make them unable to perceive subtle gradations in emotional states but only to see 0 or 100 on a scale of 1 to 10; then I can begin to see how doing something they think is wrong slides into something that must be "bad," that therefore they are not safe or they've endangered others, that therefore this is just the most terrible state of affairs ever, and they must be "bad" themselves and deserve to be punished -- even if these same kids have NEVER been punished at home. Dd never has been, in 16 years; it's sad to me in a way that she simply does not EVER deliberately misbehave, that she is so continually wary of doing anything to upset her parents.

 

I can understand this thinking to a degree, but I have no idea how to handle it. In a way, dd in a state reminds me of my old dog who used to panic during thunderstorms. He would sit wild-eyed, panting, shaking, trying to crawl under beds or into the shower, and I don't think that he even registered my presence sometimes. Certainly I could never calm him.

 

If a child's nervous system is in such an uproar, she is going to be likewise unreachable during the crisis, and if a child is very very young, she will not be able to understand when a parent tries to discuss the issue, no matter how much logic and rationality a 2e kid can display in other arenas of life and thought.

 

So there may be techniques out there that work, but to an extent I do think much of this is physiological/neurological, and it has to be outgrown. This doesn't mean we don't keep trying our best to discuss it, help the child develop coping tools, etc. But if it is neurological and developmental, then we can't make it go entirely away or be entirely overcome until the child's own timetable allows it to be so.

 

I don't mean this to be utterly depressing. In a way, to me it's comforting that at least I haven't myself somehow caused, by bad parenting, my child to turn into a quivering bundle of insecurities and anxiety. It's comforting to me that there did come a time when dd seemed to physiologically outgrow or shake off the worst of these manifestations, that she can now discuss logically and calmly in most cases, that she is gaining some perspective on herself and her behaviors. She can even LAUGH at some of the things she remembers herself thinking about what was dangerous and scary and evil in childhood; she was doing that just last night about her earliest sight of a cell phone and how upset and terrified she was. I hope this gives others hope as well.

 

Doodler, This is an amazing post! It just captures so well some of the things I've seen in my rule-oriented dd's.

[Tiramisu]

Rules help us attempt to navigate and make sense of this confusing world. The mountain out of molehill thing is wiring. The literalness of those with ASD’s add to the stress and inflexibility.

 

I still have to not only mentally walk through scenarios that most take for granted and just do, but actually go there off hour to prepare myself. I’m still stressed the actual day, but it could be worse. I don’t always have notice of being thrown into a new situation and that is really difficult for me.

 

Although I do not take prescriptions regularly for ADHD, I do sometimes take Xanax. I also have found ways of self-medicating - regular exercise, caffeine, and music. BTW, I can’t listen to the radio as no matter what channel it’s on, I still hear static. I adore my Sirius and Internet radio though. Some noises are just nails on a chalk board to me. I am hypersensitive to light and often wear sunglasses or hats. I can’t walk into some stores because of the smell. I get migraines from someone walking by me who just smoked or has way too much perfume (also florescent lights). I try to counter that with keeping something with a smell I like in my purse - peppermint lip balm, cinnamon gum, chocolate mint gum, etc. What’s interesting is my eye doctor said I actually have more nerve endings in my eyes and he could certainly understand why they are more sensitive. I never thought of this before, but my kids also had interesting eye topographies when they had their VT evaluation.

 

Asthma attack and panic attacks are similar.

 

I don’t think these things are outgrown, as much as one gains more coping skills and is alert to the signs and what to do before that breaking point.

 

Recently, I'm realizing more and more where my girls get their SPD from. I've figured out that noise, even if it doesn't bother me at the time, leaves me completely exhausted. I don't know if I'm getting worse as I age or if I'm only seeing my own sensitivites more clearly.

[TippyCanoe]

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[Tiramisu]

Kelly,

 

What I've realized is that some years are hard emotionally. I have girls and things got bad emotionally around 8. There was anxiety and meltdowns. With my oldest it improved a lot around 12. My second is a calm type, but even she had a hard time at 8. My third also started to have an emotionally rough time at eight. Something must be going on developmentally.

 

My oldest asked to see a counselor about her anxiety because she said she didn't want it to ruin her life and keep her from doing things. We just started. She is very open about her CAPD and doesn't understand why not everyone is the same about their disabilities. I think she feels this way because we have always tried to impress upon her that "everyone has something." She knows what it's like to have a problem and suffer with it undiagnosed so it's been a relief to her to have recently learned what it is. That has helped in our situation. I think my second, with the writing difficulties, has picked up her positive attitude about disabilities from my oldest.

 

It's funny that we now have someone we know with a diagnosed mental disorder. She can come over to our house and freely talk about it and her meds because she knows we won't judge her since we've always talked about our own difficulties. I don't think she can speak so freely with her own family.

 

I don't know if this is the kind of help you were looking for. It doesn't seem helpful at all. :001_smile:

 

Oh, the only other thing is, we make a big deal about right and wrong, for better or worse. On the better side, I think my kids realize it's more important to do good than to be normal, perfect, non-LD.

[Finnella]

My son's anxiety got so much worse this school year that we started therapy again. We're seeing my therapist instead of his psychologist because the psych. is a rock star with Aspergers and stinks with anxiety. I've started keeping a list of issues to bring up at the beginning of the hour since my son will suddenly feel great once he's in the office. We're making progress; I can even leave the room some now for them to talk. Plus we've avoided adding another medication to the mix so far.

 

My DS has finally embraced the wonders of physical exercise to help with excess energy and mood regulation. He's also doing a workbook on Teen Anxiety. I assign him an exercise or two a week to make sure he's working on it, but at his request I don't review the material. We use a binder clip so I can go straight to the parts of the book he hasn't reached yet.

 

Our scheduling this spring forced us to put him on the light rail a couple of days a week to reach his theater class. (Participation in theater is a big deal for him because he's so passionate about it.) Even after his older brother took him on a few test runs, I was really worried about this. I didn't think he was ready, but he proved me wrong. We had no problems, and he loves the extra independence. This was a big boost for his self esteem, at least as big as the one he got a year ago when he finally decided to learn to ride a bike.

[Guest]

Very useful info here! Subing for when I have the time to read this more carefully. Thank you yllek ;) for starting this thread!