How can I teach my son that it is OK to be wrong?

[Hope in God]

I NEED to teach him my son that it is okay to make mistakes and get things wrong. I have tried all the usual things- mostly talking, telling stories, explaining that making mistakes helps people to learn new things. But, no, he will not hear it. When he gets things wrong he freaks out completely. It is not so bad when he is doing a workbook type activity and if I stop what I am doing and help him immediately but if he is doing online work such as dreambox or spelling, and especially if he gets more than one wrong in a row he just looses it completely. Sometimes, if I don't catch it in time, I have to send him away to decompress for a bit and that makes him even madder. When he finally calms down, plays some hockey outside, reds a book, he can then go back and, with my help, understand what he couldn't do before and he is happy as a clam.

 

But, really, we can't go on like this! Everybody in the house gets stressed out by his outbursts and on some ocassions when he melts down I can suddenly have 3 crying children because he brings so much tension and he lashes out so that the other 2 littler ones end up upset. It is like a bomb went off!

 

So please, if anyone has any advice I am all ears!:bigear:

[Laughingmommy]

[i truly detest young kids playing computer games for this reason. My older ones somehow developmentally got over this as time went on. For us, everything that is very black and white, good and bad needs to be monitored. Worksheets, testing, etc. were dutifully avoided. With my younger ones, I let them have all the worksheets they want, but because I've changed, they have no idea even that there were right answers.

 

I say, lots of open ended play and limit comparison/right-wrong kind of play as much as possible. And wait for their brains to take a chill pill. Mine hasn't yet, but I've heard others' brains sometimes do mellow out. ;)

[redsquirrel]

How old is he? My kids were like that when they were younger, but have grown out of it. When a game etc has that effect on them, I put it away for 6 months or a year. So far, that has done the trick.

 

Some kids don't even begin to separate their self worth from 'winning' or 'being right' until 8 years of age. Some don't start until much later. And I think we have all had the misfortune of meeting people who never do.

[atara]

What is the story he is attaching to "wrong?"

 

Are there other words you could use when working with him?

 

Has he ever been humiliated for being wrong? Picked on for lack of knowledge in a social situation?

 

You could also be intentional about modeling for him when you are "wrong" a healthy response that allows you to move on.

Perhaps avoiding the word all together.

[Sevilla]

Do you think that he needs to become habituated to being wrong often enough that he is better able to cope with it? I.e., he accepts that being wrong 5% of the time is part of being human (have you explained that to him - is he operating under the assumption that if he just.works.hard.enough.at.it he can avoid the whole scenario, so each time he is wrong it is a double failure for him - the actual mistake AND the trauma of doing something he thought was avoidable through hard work)?

 

I would also start teaching him that failure is a necessary and important part of the learning process no matter what happens - and then set him up to experience this in action with you there to help him through.

[Hope in God]

Thank-you for the responses. He is 8. I think the main issue is that he is such a driven child. He used to freak out whenever he lost a board game so we played more board games so that he could get used to loosing sometimes. We would talk to him about sportsmanship. I will never forget the time when we were playing Zooreka and his sister won. My son, with a very red face and tears entering his eyes blurts out to his sister "good job, congratulations" and then instantly turns around and hides his face in a pillow and cries his eyes out. That was a number of years ago and he has improved a lot since then (though he still has his moments).

 

Maybe he just needs to accept that he can't be right all the time and I should find a way to desensitize him to failure in the most painless way possible.

 

I, too, dislike online games but he loves them (as long as he can excel at every aspect).:glare: The online games help because he hates writing so much.

[Year Round Mom]

I deal with this with DS8. If something doesn't come easily to him, he gets discouraged. When he gets it wrong, he gets super discouraged, sometimes to the point of freaking out.

 

I decided to look at it as a process. So, when a math concept doesn't come easily to him, or if he gets a problem wrong, I remind him that when he was a baby and learning to walk, he would fall down. I ask him if a baby is wrong when falling down. Of course, he says no. So, I remind him that we're just learning how to do math. It's okay to fall down sometimes. Babies get back up and try again. So should we :)

 

Sometimes this helps, sometimes it doesn't, but I'm trying to ingrain that concept in him, that life is a process!

 

Also, my DD4 used to say a lot that she was a loser because she's not as fast as her older sister. I would have her repeat after me that sometimes we win, sometimes we lose, but we are not losers! She's learning to believe that!

 

We are Christians, so I also teach them that regardless of how we feel/act, we are always loved by God :)

 

HTH!

[MamaSheep]

My ds used to be that way too, especially about that age.

 

One thing I did was to start "processing" my own mistakes out loud in order to teach him healthier "self-talk". And I tried to do it with ALL my mistakes throughout the day, so he could observe that even grown-ups make mistakes or do things "wrong" regularly, and somehow life keep on going. I tried to include the same elements each time: a) what I did "wrong", b) what happened as a result, c) how it made me feel, d) what I am going to do about it, and e) one of a few select "catch-phrases" I wanted to ingrain into his brain so they became automatic in his mental dialogue. Not necessarily in that order. So, for example:

 

"AAAaargh! I dropped another spoon. That's the third thing I've dropped today. I feel so clumsy and frustrated. Oh well, no harm done. I'll just put that one in the sink and get a clean one."

 

"Oh for pity's sake. I can't believe I just dialed the wrong phone number. I interrupted some stranger's day, and he sounded annoyed. I feel so embarrassed. Oh well, it could happen to anyone. If he isn't understanding that's his problem not mine. I'll just try again and be more careful this time."

 

So I did that with my own mistakes for a while, and then started using the same process when he made a mistake:

 

"Uh oh, you misspelled that word. It says 'mistack' instead of 'mistake" That must be so frustrating! Oh well, everyone makes mistakes. Just take out the c and add an e on the end, and we'll get on with life."

 

Some "catch phrases" I used (and that now automatically come out of ds's mouth whenever anyone makes a mistake, so it must have worked) are:

 

No harm done

Everyone makes mistakes

It could happen to anyone

Well, life goes on

No use crying over spilled milk

Well, that was unexpected

I can fix that

(I'm sure there are a few more I'm not thinking of)

 

Also, I practiced being calm and relaxed when mistakes were made by anyone, and to have a kindly (not mocking) sense of humor about it. If I got upset about a mistake (of any kind, not just school) he'd get twice as upset. If I could laugh it off, that gave him permission to laugh about it too. Some days we had "contests" to see who made the funniest mistake (*If you did it on purpose it doesn't count*).

 

Something else I did for a little while that seemed to help was a silly verbal game I played with him where the only "right" answer was to give a "wrong" answer. I'd use familiar cliche's, figures of speech, nursery rhymes, and such, where the next word is always VERY predictable. I'd say part of it, and then stop, and he had to fill in the end--but if he said the "right" thing that usually comes next, that was the "wrong" answer. The "right" answer was to insert a "wrong" word or phrase. So for example:

 

The cow jumped over the _______ (any answer other than "moon" is the "right" answer, because it's "wrong")

 

We'd giggle over the answers. The cow jumped over the spoon. The cow jumped over the pistachio. The cow jumped over my sister.

 

But if he said "moon", he "lost" the game and I won.

 

Make sense? It was a way to get him to do things "wrong" on purpose, with a happy outcome, so he could make friends with "mistakes".

 

HTH :)

[Hope in God]

I deal with this with DS8. If something doesn't come easily to him, he gets discouraged. When he gets it wrong, he gets super discouraged, sometimes to the point of freaking out.

 

I decided to look at it as a process. So, when a math concept doesn't come easily to him, or if he gets a problem wrong, I remind him that when he was a baby and learning to walk, he would fall down. I ask him if a baby is wrong when falling down. Of course, he says no. So, I remind him that we're just learning how to do math. It's okay to fall down sometimes. Babies get back up and try again. So should we :)

 

Sometimes this helps, sometimes it doesn't, but I'm trying to ingrain that concept in him, that life is a process!

 

Also, my DD4 used to say a lot that she was a loser because she's not as fast as her older sister. I would have her repeat after me that sometimes we win, sometimes we lose, but we are not losers! She's learning to believe that!

 

We are Christians, so I also teach them that regardless of how we feel/act, we are always loved by God :)

 

HTH!

 

I asked my kids a couple weeks ago at breakfast "What kind of people does God use? Does he use the biggest and the best?" Well we got into it and talked about how God uses the foolish things in this world to shame the wise and the weak things to shame the strong. I had the kids give me examples of people who were used in the Bible (David, Paul, Gideon etc...) and we went over the stories. In the end I told them that if they were not the fastest and not the smartest and not the biggest or the best they can be glad because that is just the type of person that God uses. It was a very timely discussion because in the afternoon we had out first track practice with the other homeschoolers and my son was happy to come in 4th for his age group and was not disapointed at all that he didn't come in 1st.

 

Maybe we are making some progress. It is just some days...:willy_nilly:

[Hope in God]

My ds used to be that way too, especially about that age.

 

One thing I did was to start "processing" my own mistakes out loud in order to teach him healthier "self-talk". And I tried to do it with ALL my mistakes throughout the day, so he could observe that even grown-ups make mistakes or do things "wrong" regularly, and somehow life keep on going. I tried to include the same elements each time: a) what I did "wrong", b) what happened as a result, c) how it made me feel, d) what I am going to do about it, and e) one of a few select "catch-phrases" I wanted to ingrain into his brain so they became automatic in his mental dialogue. Not necessarily in that order. So, for example:

 

"AAAaargh! I dropped another spoon. That's the third thing I've dropped today. I feel so clumsy and frustrated. Oh well, no harm done. I'll just put that one in the sink and get a clean one."

 

"Oh for pity's sake. I can't believe I just dialed the wrong phone number. I interrupted some stranger's day, and he sounded annoyed. I feel so embarrassed. Oh well, it could happen to anyone. If he isn't understanding that's his problem not mine. I'll just try again and be more careful this time."

 

So I did that with my own mistakes for a while, and then started using the same process when he made a mistake:

 

"Uh oh, you misspelled that word. It says 'mistack' instead of 'mistake" That must be so frustrating! Oh well, everyone makes mistakes. Just take out the c and add an e on the end, and we'll get on with life."

 

Some "catch phrases" I used (and that now automatically come out of ds's mouth whenever anyone makes a mistake, so it must have worked) are:

 

No harm done

Everyone makes mistakes

It could happen to anyone

Well, life goes on

No use crying over spilled milk

Well, that was unexpected

I can fix that

(I'm sure there are a few more I'm not thinking of)

 

Also, I practiced being calm and relaxed when mistakes were made by anyone, and to have a kindly (not mocking) sense of humor about it. If I got upset about a mistake (of any kind, not just school) he'd get twice as upset. If I could laugh it off, that gave him permission to laugh about it too. Some days we had "contests" to see who made the funniest mistake (*If you did it on purpose it doesn't count*).

 

Something else I did for a little while that seemed to help was a silly verbal game I played with him where the only "right" answer was to give a "wrong" answer. I'd use familiar cliche's, figures of speech, nursery rhymes, and such, where the next word is always VERY predictable. I'd say part of it, and then stop, and he had to fill in the end--but if he said the "right" thing that usually comes next, that was the "wrong" answer. The "right" answer was to insert a "wrong" word or phrase. So for example:

 

The cow jumped over the _______ (any answer other than "moon" is the "right" answer, because it's "wrong")

 

We'd giggle over the answers. The cow jumped over the spoon. The cow jumped over the pistachio. The cow jumped over my sister.

 

But if he said "moon", he "lost" the game and I won.

 

Make sense? It was a way to get him to do things "wrong" on purpose, with a happy outcome, so he could make friends with "mistakes".

 

HTH :)

 

I like this! Thank-you.

[atara]

Thank-you for the responses. He is 8. I think the main issue is that he is such a driven child. He used to freak out whenever he lost a board game so we played more board games so that he could get used to loosing sometimes. We would talk to him about sportsmanship. I will never forget the time when we were playing Zooreka and his sister won. My son, with a very red face and tears entering his eyes blurts out to his sister "good job, congratulations" and then instantly turns around and hides his face in a pillow and cries his eyes out. That was a number of years ago and he has improved a lot since then (though he still has his moments).

 

 

I, too, dislike online games but he loves them (as long as he can excel at every aspect).:glare: The online games help because he hates writing so much.

 

I would keep him away from anything competition or win/lose based. At least for now until he is emotionally strong enough not to take it personally.

[Caribbean Queen]

I wouldn't let him use the computer for a few days, "Cause it makes you cry." Then if he has another temper tantrum I wouldn't let him on the computer even longer.

[nukeswife]

My oldest used to be like that and my youngest is that way now. My dd is hit or miss as to her being like that.

 

With my oldest when it came to school work I would simply tell him. "These ones aren't correct lets see if we can figure out what went wrong" if he really started to melt down about getting them wrong I would say "Well, of course you're going to get things wrong sometime, if you already knew everything then I wouldn't have to teach you." I repeated this over and over ever time it happened. Now if he gets things wrong if he can't figure out where it went wrong on his own he'll ask me to help him work through it.

 

When it comes to video/computer/board games if they are getting to frustrated I simply take the games away for a few days.

 

My dd will come down really hard on herself so for her if it happens I have to use an "it's ok to not be perfect honey, nobody is. We learn from making mistakes" attitude. Sometimes she'll simply say "mom I need a few minutes" which means she's really frustrated so she'll take some time to go draw (something she loves and is good at) or do something crafty until she can then come back and focus on the thing that was frustrating her.

[MamaSheep]

I like this! Thank-you.

 

You're welcome. :) I hope it's helpful.

 

I forgot to mention that we also have a rule at our house that the winner always puts the game away. That way the winner can be happy he won, and the loser can be happy he doesn't have to put the game away. It's a built-in silver lining. And it seems to help.

[Pen]

I wouldn't let him use the computer for a few days, "Cause it makes you cry." Then if he has another temper tantrum I wouldn't let him on the computer even longer.

:iagree:

 

I had a lot of this, but it is starting to diminish with work. I think it has more to do with actively working on the problem, and not so much that a child will just outgrow it--but I cannot do a comparative study to see if I am correct.

 

My son did some online math on a thing called IXL. As one gets toward what it considers "mastery" of a type of problem it awards ribbons. After the third ribbon, comes a medal, meaning the skill is mastered. But the program takes away ribbons if problems are missed near the end. This (losing ribbons that had already appeared on screen) caused great distress and consternation, and often led to giving up. I started to praise not getting rattled by loss of ribbon, and just working through some more problems till the ribbon would come back. This seemed to help.

 

Another thing that seemed to help was my explaining that if he knows all the answers and can get everything right on a particular type of problem that means it is not challenging enough and he needs to be at a higher level of difficulty. MUS math helped some with this idea because as soon as an area is mastered, one moves on. 100% correct and can explain how to do it, means time to go to next section.

 

Both of the above seemed to help to some degree beyond just the math area. Also, playing chess against a computer where he could not win, but could refine his skills seemed to help. Because he knew he could not beat the computer, he did not expect that and never got upset about it.

 

Paying attention to the effort, the process, and the improvement being made seem to help against perfectionism. We are now working on these area in art and writing.

[CroppinIt]

My ds used to be that way too, especially about that age.

 

One thing I did was to start "processing" my own mistakes out loud in order to teach him healthier "self-talk". And I tried to do it with ALL my mistakes throughout the day, so he could observe that even grown-ups make mistakes or do things "wrong" regularly, and somehow life keep on going. I tried to include the same elements each time: a) what I did "wrong", b) what happened as a result, c) how it made me feel, d) what I am going to do about it, and e) one of a few select "catch-phrases" I wanted to ingrain into his brain so they became automatic in his mental dialogue. Not necessarily in that order. So, for example:

 

"AAAaargh! I dropped another spoon. That's the third thing I've dropped today. I feel so clumsy and frustrated. Oh well, no harm done. I'll just put that one in the sink and get a clean one."

 

"Oh for pity's sake. I can't believe I just dialed the wrong phone number. I interrupted some stranger's day, and he sounded annoyed. I feel so embarrassed. Oh well, it could happen to anyone. If he isn't understanding that's his problem not mine. I'll just try again and be more careful this time."

 

So I did that with my own mistakes for a while, and then started using the same process when he made a mistake:

 

"Uh oh, you misspelled that word. It says 'mistack' instead of 'mistake" That must be so frustrating! Oh well, everyone makes mistakes. Just take out the c and add an e on the end, and we'll get on with life."

 

Some "catch phrases" I used (and that now automatically come out of ds's mouth whenever anyone makes a mistake, so it must have worked) are:

 

No harm done

Everyone makes mistakes

It could happen to anyone

Well, life goes on

No use crying over spilled milk

Well, that was unexpected

I can fix that

(I'm sure there are a few more I'm not thinking of)

 

Beautifully said! I totally agree that seeing you make and move on from mistakes will be very helpful in working your kids through it.

 

I tend to laugh at myself with something silly like, "Well, that was embarassing" or "I guess I didn't catch that spoon parachuting out of the drawer" or such. Laughter can really help get them over it.

 

This is a tough age, too. Ds9 is still struggling with the losing issue, and we've worked long and hard on it. Part of it is the gender (boys are naturally competitive), part of it is the age (8-9 is awful for this!), and part of it is immaturity (which the above will help with a lot). In the meantime, (((hug)))!

 

We use catch phrases here too. My biggest one is "We'll have to look it up," but that's for a different recurring problem. ;) I know this particular one is working because dd12 mentioned one day that she could hear me in her head even when I wasn't there. Woo-hoo!

[Laughingmommy]

One thing I did was to start "processing" my own mistakes out loud in order to teach him healthier "self-talk". And I tried to do it with ALL my mistakes throughout the day, so he could observe that even grown-ups make mistakes or do things "wrong" regularly, and somehow life keep on going. I tried to include the same elements each time: a) what I did "wrong", b) what happened as a result, c) how it made me feel, d) what I am going to do about it, and e) one of a few select "catch-phrases" I wanted to ingrain into his brain so they became automatic in his mental dialogue. Not necessarily in that order.

 

Love this.

 

I remember for a time, I instituted a "mistakes check-in" every night at dinner (when we had only two and were not exhausted by dinner time). We each had to report on one mistake we'd made that day so that we could all laugh about it. It worked really well, and we had lots of great laughs. On the last night we did it, my oldest couldn't think of a mistake she'd made, so she said that her mistake was not making any mistakes that day. I cried with my husband that night after the kids fell asleep. The kids were truly, verifiably desensitized to making mistakes. My oldest used to bang her head on the ground or against the wall or slam her body into walls and furniture and just howl if she felt she made a mistake. My second used to just crumble and become inconsolable. Similarly, I used to detach and get angry when I made mistakes. That was a tough journey. I don't really remember, but I think it took about a couple of months of daily check-ins. Wow! Thanks for reminding me of this. I had forgotten all about it.

[Ellie]

He's a first-born, yes? We first-borns have a hard time with that. We *must* be right, almost like being in major sin if we are not. And it can be a good thing, because we are driven to make sure we are right, so we study and practice and research and do whatever it takes to be right. We make good accountants and attorneys and even teachers, although we tend not to be so great with people. :D We can also be underachievers, because if we cannot be perfect, we just won't do it at all. We are a challenge to our mothers. :D

 

Sounds like you're doing the right things. He's just a little guy, and this is hard thing for him to grasp.

[rocketgirl]

seriously, i'd just go and make mistakes so that he could see how adults handle them. I'd make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and flip the bread the wrong way (if he likes that) or something silly & just laugh. Isn't that what we have to do when we make mistakes, laugh, then fix them? I might even go out and make mistakes at the store, like say to the cashier, sorry, but I made a mistake and I don't really want to buy this notebook... And my kids would see that that is ok and totally acceptable....It's empowering for kids to know and have the language to explain or say that they made a mistake. But also to understand that you don't laugh at others when they make mistakes, but let them know that it is ok.

[Hope in God]

He's a first-born, yes? We first-borns have a hard time with that. We *must* be right, almost like being in major sin if we are not. And it can be a good thing, because we are driven to make sure we are right, so we study and practice and research and do whatever it takes to be right. We make good accountants and attorneys and even teachers, although we tend not to be so great with people. :D We can also be underachievers, because if we cannot be perfect, we just won't do it at all. We are a challenge to our mothers. :D

 

Sounds like you're doing the right things. He's just a little guy, and this is hard thing for him to grasp.

 

Thank-you. He is like a first born because there is a large age spread between him and his older sister. I was a first born and I went the underachiever route for the exact reason that you said- if it can't be perfect I won't do it. I guess the apple....:001_huh:

[Hope in God]

seriously, i'd just go and make mistakes so that he could see how adults handle them. I'd make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and flip the bread the wrong way (if he likes that) or something silly & just laugh. Isn't that what we have to do when we make mistakes, laugh, then fix them? I might even go out and make mistakes at the store, like say to the cashier, sorry, but I made a mistake and I don't really want to buy this notebook... And my kids would see that that is ok and totally acceptable....It's empowering for kids to know and have the language to explain or say that they made a mistake. But also to understand that you don't laugh at others when they make mistakes, but let them know that it is ok.

 

 

I will do that. Interestingly, this thread has made me realize that I don't like making mistakes and when I do I really have a hard time owning up. This just reinforces my theory perhaps I am the source of the majority of my kids struggles without even knowing it.:confused: I'll have to work on that one.