WWYD - ex-boyfriend situation

[Trish]

He is 21 and she is 20, but she's ready for a serious committment. She wants to get married and have a family. Apparently she talked to the new boyfriend today and he was totally understanding, but he backed off. He said they should be friends but that he felt she needed time to be single to figure things out. The new boyfriend is 22 yrs. old except now he's not her boyfriend anymore. She isn't crushed but she feels a little guilty about the whole situation.

 

I can't process "ready for a serious commitment" to Nobody In Particular. It feels like a plug 'n' play game. I'm not saying that facetiously. She should meet someone who inspires that first.

[kalanamak]

Wait a minute -- WHAT did the cashier say? How can you leave us hanging like this? :bigear:

 

I've told this story before. Here is a cut and paste:

 

I was going to a coffee shop near 59th and Broadway for a cup of tea in a snowstorm, dragging my tired self in wondering, wondering, wondering what to "do" with my life, the nagging question of the last several months.

 

I ordered a cup of Earl Grey tea with milk. As I paid for it, it felt suspiciously hot, so I popped the lid and saw no milk. I told the woman (Am born, English as a first langauge, although it was a quacking Queens accent) I asked for it with milk.

"You don't put milk in herbal tea."

"Earl Grey isn't herbal."

"Yes it is!" (NYC rudeness was coming in by now)

"Earl Grey is a black tea flavored with oil of bergamot"

"I didn't ask for a lesson, I..." she swung around and angrily grabbed the box and held it up and pointed to the word "Earl" and barked: "SEE, HERBAL GREY!" She was poking the box vehemently with her fake nail.

I decided we were deadlocked and I said, "Could I have some milk in my tea, please?" Which I got.

 

I sat down, sipping and blowing and warming my fingers and a thought trickled into me like the warmth of the tea: all my life I was surrounded by professors and professor's kids: my family, my college (one class of 30 had 25 teacher's kids), my friends. I was one of the "dummies". Maybe, just maybe I wasn't so dumb after all.

 

That night, lying in the dark with the snow muffling a VW beetle starting up and grinding out of the lot, I decided to listen to the words I'd heard so many times and try for med school.

[Night Elf]

I can't process "ready for a serious commitment" to Nobody In Particular. It feels like a plug 'n' play game. I'm not saying that facetiously. She should meet someone who inspires that first.

 

No, it's not that so much. Some ladies simply know they want marriage and a family. I was thinking marriage & kids when I was 17 yrs. old. I knew I would have to work but I had no career aspirations really. I got married at age 19 and had my first baby at 24, but that was only because my husband at the time wanted to wait. If I had had my way, I would have gotten pregnant as soon as we got married. So I can totally relate to her feelings.

 

I've shared all the comments. There were many that she agreed with completely. She is leaning towards dating him again IF he wants to move back and live with a friend. She has no desire to jump back in and try to pick up where they left off. I think that's pretty wise of her.

 

I think part of the problem is the long distance between states. It's very easy to romanticize about a relationship when it isn't actually being played out in person on a daily basis. She says she can't know if she really wants to try again because he isn't here.

 

I wanted to also address the issue regarding his so called friends. It was the friends in his home state who were working on his mind. His friends in this state were all rooting for him and the young lady to remain a couple. He is seeing that his friends in his home state were being selfish. They had a band and they wanted this young man back because the band was good because of him. Once he got back though, he found he didn't enjoy it anymore. Their relationships changed. He feels they weren't really interested in him as a person and caring what might be best for him. He is learning what true friends are.

 

It's just a sad set of events and emotions. I remember what it was like to be that age. Everything seemed so imminently 'life or death'.

[Trish]

It sounds like she has a cautious but reasonable attitude. The bumps and bruises along the road to maturity can be tough!

[Night Elf]

When you say "gaming" do you mean video gaming? Because regardless of anything else, if he has a problem with excessive video game playing, I say run for the hills. I know a lot of people don't believe you can be addicted to video gaming, and I don't want to start something controversial, but I've BTDT and you don't want to hook up with someone with that problem. Sorry I don't have any better advice.

 

Oh I understand, but there are levels of gaming. It isn't all or nothing. My own family games, actually, so I cannot condemn it completely. He wasn't addicted per se, but he was using it as an escape because he was unhappy and didn't want to deal with the unhappiness. It was his connection with his old friends but once he moved home, that particular aspect had no meaning anymore. The young lady got upset at the gaming because it no longer included her. She is happy to hear that he sees it for what it was at the time. That was one of the changes she wanted him to make.

[Heather in Neverland]

:iagree: He should move into his own place and they can "date" again. He should win her back like an adult.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[Heather in Neverland]

 

I wanted to also address the issue regarding his so called friends. It was the friends in his home state who were working on his mind. His friends in this state were all rooting for him and the young lady to remain a couple. He is seeing that his friends in his home state were being selfish. They had a band and they wanted this young man back because the band was good because of him. Once he got back though, he found he didn't enjoy it anymore. Their relationships changed. He feels they weren't really interested in him as a person and caring what might be best for him. He is learning what true friends are.

 

 

He left a serious, committed relationship... a woman he was living with... essentially snuck out the door... so he could go back home and play in a BAND with his FRIENDS? Seriously?

 

Kick that guy to the curb.

 

.

[tex-mex]

I would tell her not to make any decision at all. Just wait. Take her time. She's young. He's young. What's the hurry .....

 

I made so many of my worst decisions when I was young because I thought I had to make them 'soon'. The reality was that I had all the time in the world.

:iagree:

[Denisemomof4]

No, he didn't discuss his feelings with her. She knew he wasn't totally happy but her attempts at getting him more involved with things with their friends seemed to fall flat fairly often. The way he left was definitely not right, IMHO. It was the day after Thanksgiving. On Thanksgiving, he had a family meal with her dad's family. He acted like nothing was wrong. Only his friends knew he was leaving the next morning. He was supposed to be going home for a week to help his friends out with something. She had no problem with that and encouraged him to go and enjoy his time, hoping he would come back feeling happier. But on the morning he was leaving, she noticed he was packing up things that he shouldn't have been taking with him. She asked him in a half-joking manner if he was moving out. He just looked at her then continued packing. He remained quiet. She started asking questions and he finally just told her that he felt it was best if he moved back home permanently. This hit her out of the blue. She had no idea that he had been making plans for the past 2 weeks to move back to his home state. He wanted to slip away without having the guts to tell her outright what he was doing. So no, he never discussed anything with her.

 

I have no problem being a sounding board. The problem is that she wants to know what I think. I've hemmed and hawed a great deal and ask her questions to keep her thinking and talking.

 

Ok, this changes my original opinion. He keeps secrets. He id deceptive. He is a liar. How could she ever trust him again? How long will she worry about his leaving again? What other secrets has he kept from her?

 

She is so young. I do not think she should consider any level of relationship with him.

[Denisemomof4]

No, it's not that so much. Some ladies simply know they want marriage and a family. I was thinking marriage & kids when I was 17 yrs. old. I knew I would have to work but I had no career aspirations really. I got married at age 19 and had my first baby at 24, but that was only because my husband at the time wanted to wait. If I had had my way, I would have gotten pregnant as soon as we got married. So I can totally relate to her feelings.

 

I've shared all the comments. There were many that she agreed with completely. She is leaning towards dating him again IF he wants to move back and live with a friend. She has no desire to jump back in and try to pick up where they left off. I think that's pretty wise of her.

 

I think part of the problem is the long distance between states. It's very easy to romanticize about a relationship when it isn't actually being played out in person on a daily basis. She says she can't know if she really wants to try again because he isn't here.

 

I wanted to also address the issue regarding his so called friends. It was the friends in his home state who were working on his mind. His friends in this state were all rooting for him and the young lady to remain a couple. He is seeing that his friends in his home state were being selfish. They had a band and they wanted this young man back because the band was good because of him. Once he got back though, he found he didn't enjoy it anymore. Their relationships changed. He feels they weren't really interested in him as a person and caring what might be best for him. He is learning what true friends are.

 

It's just a sad set of events and emotions. I remember what it was like to be that age. Everything seemed so imminently 'life or death'.

 

This makes me feel even worse for her! She is his SECOND choice because his First choice didn't work out. He left her for them. He is returning to her because his friends didn't give him the warm fuzzies. He is showing he has no loyalty to either of them.