So what are you *NOT* doing for your 17-18yo students (encouraging self-motivation)

[74Heaven]

I am wondering how all of you navigate the "almost adult" years. I know some start earlier than others, but overall, I am trying to be more hands-off with my second born 17yo than I was with her older sister at this age.

 

My 17yo was hsed gr K- gr 10. For many good reasons, she is in a senior in a Christian private school now and taking advanced classes and doing well. She is not a go-getter in terms of future goals. She is a hard worker, but only sees the "moment", not the future she is creating now.

 

So, here is what I do *NOT* do for this daughter:

 

---wake her in the mornings

---oversee her studying/homework (I ask, I read papers, she asks no help)

---make her lunch

---do her laundry

---do little or no communication with teachers until she has done it or I am needed to step in (1x in a year)

---oversee her college applications (I do ask and "suggest" more diligence - the follow thru is up to her and is marginal, but slowly getting done)

---Require Bible reading in morning; she often does on her own (do require this for youngers)

---Do daily chore checks (I do weekly; the results are subpar)

---oversee her many "senior" deadlines (I provide what she asks and nothing more and no "babysitting" on deadlines; if late fees happen - she pays them - I pay the "parent part" of course)

---she pays half her car insurance & all her cell phone bill ($20)

---require or nag her to get a job, even tho I think she should be trying

---give her no allowance (she makes $30ish a week babysitting for others) (we pay all gas currently)

---pay for "extras" at all (that's mostly a budget function because we can't afford many extras with tuition costs)

---schedule her activities, arrange rides, etc.

---schedule her babysitting and other jobs

---do any school fundraisers that are "her" job

 

Some things I still *DO* are:

---require she eat breakfast, clean her own bathroom

---require her to do chores, be respectful, babysit about 10 hours/mo for me

---require her to have at least a "B" in all classes at all times

---pay for almost everything that is "expected", incl half of car ins.

---pay a large monthly tuition check

---schedule doctor/dentist etc. appts.

---drive her everywhere necessary; many extras as well

---make her occasionally help with meals (3-4x or less a month)

---be respectful; strive to be a good example to her siblings

 

What are your ways of helping your children launch to adulthood? What are things you leave *completely* on their plate?

 

Looking for ideas. Ways to let her do more.

 

I find much of parenting young adult children to be keeping my mouth shut! Anyone else find that?

 

Thanks in advance,

Lisa j, mom to 5

Edited December 4, 2011 by 74Heaven
corrected error - she was hsed K-10 (not 10-12); priv sch 11-12

[Guest bhrandy]

I think you are just doing the right thing here.

[Barry Goldwater]

I think you are doing great...you have large, 'global' goals and boundaries, but you leave it to this near adult DC to figure out how to get there herself. Sounds like she has some good habits.

 

My additions to your list from my 2 olders (we live on a farm, so YMMV)

 

- Decide which goats to breed to whom

- Contact other herd managers to arrange breedings

- Budget $ for stud fees, buying & selling of animals

- 100% manage all aspects of 4-H animal projects

- Handle all livestock care under their responsibility, incl. shots, births, vet calls if needed (rare)

 

My 2 olders are self-directing most of their homeschooling at this point. We discuss subjects prior to annual notifications, then turn them loose. We progress test regularly, and make ourselves available for guidance, review of difficult materials, etc. But we don't tell them, '9:00 - time for Chemistry,' etc. They know what they have to get done and they do it.

[memphispeg]

I'm a talker. I have a hard time shutting up! I talk to my dd a lot and try to do chores and things together. When they leave, you find that there were too many things left unsaid. I don't wait on her but, I do encourage and give feedback (not REALLY nagging?)

[Julie in MN]

I'm a talker. I have a hard time shutting up! I talk to my dd a lot and try to do chores and things together. When they leave, you find that there were too many things left unsaid.

:D

 

 

I think this depends on the kid, and on the family. The "right amount" isn't the same for everyone. When my son went to college, there were some moms who brought over a bag of groceries or laundry supplies, some who took the laundry home and did it, and then there was me who lived in a different state :) And it isn't a simple formula that those who were waited on the most were the least responsible. In our adult lives, we know folks who grew up in the same household (whether waited on or not) who run the gamut from fully responsible to hopeless. The only thing I've noticed that continually ruins children, so that they never grow up, is giving them too unearned much money. But serving them, waiting on them, taking care of them -- I haven't seen consistent results to show that ruins kids.

 

When I find myself listing out duties like you have, it usually means I think someone is not doing their share. Is that how you're feeling?

 

Julie

[Thea]

This looks a lot like what we are doing here.

 

Right now I'm paying for insurance/gas and encouraging (nagging) job applications. We do *not* fund her social life. She does receive a small allowance, however, she is expected to help me drive everyone around. The phone she uses when she drives somewhere is one of the the dc's phones that are shared between the three of them.

[74Heaven]

:D

 

When I find myself listing out duties like you have, it usually means I think someone is not doing their share. Is that how you're feeling?

 

Julie

 

Personally, I have a built-in bias that for the most part young adults yearn for full freedom w/o the equitable responsibilities. (iow, they want freedoms they really aren't always ready for)

 

But, my 2ndborn daughter and I have an excellent relationship. (Two completely different children, but I regret the many ways I propped up my firstborn daughter during her 17-18-19yo years.)

 

So I hope for feedback on how to foster the adult/child boundaries that are healthy and productive. And not repeat my earlier ways. I especially don't want to repeat because these daughters are different as night and day.

 

But you know how you find yourself sometimes doing the same thing and expecting different results? I find that sometimes.

 

I just wanna "do it (the "launch") right", kwim?

 

Lisa J

[74Heaven]

Just as an add-on, I just counted up about 5 of the things in my "do not do now" list that I did do for my firstborn, including overseeing/nagging/grounding/lecturing about her poor efforts at school her junior/senior years. (Oldest was hsed K-12; my graduate!)

 

Don't wanna do all that propping again. Don't think it was productive.

 

Lisa J

[Halftime Hope]

It depends on how you think your YA's attitude is overall.

 

If I had a young adult who was contrary, lazy, and unwilling to listen, I wouldn't do much for that kid, thinking that s/he needed to experience some of life's natural consequences.

 

I'd do more for (or with) a YA who was trying hard, teachable, and working to the best of their immature ability.

[J-rap]

This is almost exactly how we are doing it with our senior. One thing I do more than I would like is trying to keep her on schedule for college applications, etc. She is slowly getting things done, but I feel I need to keep gently prodding her.

She is very independent and helps me out in a lot of ways. Her next sister down is very different; I can't quite imagine her handling all the same things on her own next year! We'll see. However, my senior is an older senior, and my junior is a younger junior. Maybe that makes a difference.