Motivating an underachieving, disorganized teen

[beachnut]

:confused: How do you motivate an intelligent, creative teen to give the effort you know he's capable of giving?

 

I've got a really smart, talented 9th grade son who just doesn't seem to care about anything beyond relaxing & having fun. (I know he's only 14, but he has always lacked drive & initiative, something I think all kids are capable of at an age-appropriate level.) He is disorganized, lacks self-discipline, is easily distracted, and acts very immature for his age. He rarely challenges himself, even in areas that he excels at. (He's very good at drawing & writing, so I've encouraged him over the years to enter contests or submit things for publication, which he occasionally does with much reluctance and and a mediocre effort.)

 

He is taking some honors level courses that he CAN do well in if he put forth the effort. But he does not like to work hard and does the absolute minimum to get by and sometimes much less. He's so disorganized that he's constantly missing deadlines, losing papers, forgetting things, etc. And, when give the freedom to work on whatever subjects/assignments/schedule he wants as long as he completes his work, he flounders horribly. He seems to need so much structure and hand-holding for a high schooler that I feel like I am homeschooling a grade-schooler all over again.

 

His only motivating force in life seems to be "screen time," which I drastically limit -- during the week he gets no video games at all and only 1 hour of TV/computer time. This is the only "carrot" I can use to get him to do anything. I've also used this to improve his grades (i.e., no video games on the weekend until he has at least a B in all courses -- and this is for a kid who is very capable of having an A in most if not all courses if he focused & worked hard).

 

Sorry for the rant, but I'm at my wit's end and ready to put him back in public school. This is too daunting, too frustrating and too important to just battle with him on a daily basis to step up to the plate and do what he needs to do without being hand-held every step of the way of what to do, when to do it and why it's important. Any advice -- either for him or for me?

[Sunshine State Sue]

Sigh! I can relate.

 

I can remember years ago realizing that my son would rather be the star of the recreational soccer team than have to work at being better than average on a competitive soccer team.

 

My son's only passion (besides video games) is athletics, mostly basketball now. I will admit that lately, in the last year or so, he has been more motivated to work harder on his skills. Why? Maybe it had to do with being the least skilled player on his first competitive basketball team after years of being the star of All-Star rec teams. Certainly, finding a friendly trainer/peers has motivated him. He is an extrovert and just isn't going to go out to the driveway alone and work on his dribbling/shooting. Note that both of these opportunities came about through the suggestion/encouragement of dh.

 

Does your ds want to go to college? I talk, talk, talk to ds about college: showing statistics about HS grad vs. college grad earnings; how there are "easier" colleges with not so bright students and how there are "better" colleges with brighter students; how college is expensive; how merit scholarships give you an opportunity to attend a better college that you might not be able to afford otherwise; how high grades and high standardized tests scores make you more attractive to colleges; how college coaches like being able to get their bright athletes merit scholarships so that they can reserve their athletic scholarships for the not-so-bright athletes.

 

This is the first year ds is taking classes at PS and CC. I do not particularly see this has motivated him. Rather, he thinks that he is doing great because not much is required of him and he can complete the work with a minimum of effort. He has homework 1x per week for 1 class, which he can complete in under an hour. Though, he does comment with horror about the students at PS who get really low grades, the students at CC who show up 45min late for class then leave 5min later to make a phone call, the student at CC who puts his head on his desk and sleeps during the exam.

 

I believe ds will be a bit more challenged next semester at CC.

 

Honestly, though, I also think it boils down to the fact that *I* cannot provide him the internal motivation and organization that he needs. It only makes me unhappy to focus on his "defects of character". Dh was into drugs/alcohol at 14yo. He thinks ds is doing GREAT!!! And, in comparison, he is. It could be much, much worse.

 

:grouphug:

Edited October 11, 2011 by Sue in St Pete

[beachnut]

Thanks, Sue. I appreciate the insights.

 

I guess that's the struggle -- I cannot seem to motivate DS, who seems to lack desire for self-motivation. DH & I have talked w/ him many times over the years about taking responsibility for his own learning, his own life, etc., and about making positive choices. I've left age-appropriate "self-help" books (such as "Seven Habits of Highly Effective Teens" or "How to Be a High School Supterstar") casually lying around & assigned others. He just seems perfectly fine w/ minimal effort & mediocre results.

 

And I cannot seem to help DS get organized, despite the fact that his life is mildly crumbling around him because he is so disorganized. Simple solutions like a checklist for band practice (which he attends 3 days a week) or a student planner (which he has) would solve his problems, but he just won't use them.

 

I guess I have to reach the point where he cares more about his success in life than I do. I am just not there yet.

[In The Great White North]

What's he interested in? (I'm guessing it's not any of the stuff you're assigning?)

 

If he's very good at writing, perhaps he sees all those Englishy things as busy work? How about dropping ALL of them and doing NaNoWriMo for a month? Making a family website or blog?

 

If he likes video games, has he tried writing one? Any programming?

 

Ds seemed to want to sleep til noon and not do much the rest of the day. I couldn't figure out how to motivate him either. Turned out he was up all night teaching himself computer programming, HTML, CSS, JAVA, web programming, PHP and MYSQL. Now he's in college, majoring in Computer Science. Duh. I didn't figure all this out til I went to write his transcript and asked him exactly what he could do on the computer.

 

He seems to need so much structure and hand-holding for a high schooler that I feel like I am homeschooling a grade-schooler all over again.

 

This is a personality trait - not necessarily age related. The Army provides structure to legal adults and it works very well. Ds needed it also and chose a college with a rigid schedule. The great thing is that you know what he needs. Life would be much harder if you didn't.

 

Sorry for the rant, but I'm at my wit's end and ready to put him back in public school. This is too daunting, too frustrating and too important to just battle with him on a daily basis to step up to the plate and do what he needs to do without being hand-held every step of the way of what to do, when to do it and why it's important. Any advice -- either for him or for me?

 

It is worth the effort, no matter how daunting and frustrating. Keep up the good work. You can do it. It won't last forever.

[PeterPan]

Sometimes when people say the things you're saying, it turns out the dc has ADD/ADHD or executive function issues. There's actually an executive function portion of the brain, which, when it doesn't work right, gets you the term executive dysfunction. Just something to research. Nan in Mass has, in the past, had some posts on books for books (or girls) with executive function issues. If he won't do it, he won't do it. Sometimes even that is wrapped up in the problem. Anyways, just something to look into.

[Faithr]

Hormones. Could be hormones. My teens all went through periods where they went into a dark tunnel for a while. My dd went in the earliest and emerged the fastest. My oldest son was there from 13 to 15 and then discovered music and took off like lightning. My current teen went in right after 8th grade and just emerged this year and he's 16 and in 11th grade! Sometimes I was on the verge of tearing my hair out (or his!). And he still has some procrastination problems but he's much better now. For him the more proactive I got the more he retreated. It was a delicate dance. So I let him sleep a lot and have lots of alone time and we limped along. But now he is really is taking charge of things, trying harder, taking responsibility, etc. I think when they get old enough to see the light at the end of the tunnel and they get some kind of jump in maturity, they can really IMAGINE life beyond homeschooling they get excited and start taking charge.

 

So my advice is be very patient, try to appreciate anything positive he does, gently plug away at everything, try to be encouraging to him, try to stay close to him. He will grow up!

 

Patience gains all things, as my mother used to say! She was right (pretty much about everything!).

[Tiramisu]

Just when I thought my dd was really regressing and had something seriously wrong with her brain--no kidding--she made an about face at 15. So many issues related to schooling have resolved in the last year. Part of it was me backing up. At the same time, I guess I backed up because at some level I knew I could, or perhaps I backed up because I had no choice with other issues going on. Who knows? I'm so relieved that time has passed. Nothing's perfect but it's working. She's doing really well. So, hang in there.

 

IMHO, it never hurts to get a basic evaluation if you've seen long term issues. It was very helpful to me to get an objective analysis of dd's strength and weaknesses so I could make sure my expectations were realistic and make adjustments to suit her "style," as well as rule out anything that would benefit from some kind of therapy or a significant accomodation. KWIM?

[Rhonda in TX]

An excellent book to read is That Crumpled Paper was Due Last Week. It's been talked about here, so you can do some searching and find out more about it.

 

Planner books have never worked for me and never will. Out of sight, out of mind. I have to have something visible. I put schedules and calendars on the fridge.

 

Stick with it. I've gone through (and continue to go through) so many frustrating times with DS. He definitely has other issues going on, but it can be so depressing. I called my sister after a particularly bad day. She had a son who barely graduated high school and she told me what our dad told her when she called him about her DS. "If you give up on him, who will be there for him?" It's hard, but I can't give up.

[Pamela in VA]

Beachnut - I could have written your post WORD for WORD. My ds is 9th grade and just turned 15. He has NEVER been interested in school and I've been trying to motivate him for years. It is physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting.

 

I totally agree with those who encourage you to stick with it because no one else will take the time and make the effort like you do for your son.

Based on someone's recommendation here, I read the book Bright Minds, Poor Grades and it was very enlightening regarding my son. The focus is on underachieving students and the connection is made to their inability to really worry about anything. It is expressed as a real and valid lack of an internal switch to do this. It can manifest itself in many ways.

 

Ironically, it often occurs in students who actually want to do really well, but are so afraid of failure they don't want to commit to a plan. If they do nothing, then in their eyes they haven't failed. NOT doing anything somehow doesn't fall on the spectrum of failure for them. So they avoid everything. This is my son to a T. In fact, the first step of the program requires them to work with a parent or someone to outline a specific plan to accomplish tasks. Just as the book predicted, my ds went ballistic because dh and I made him state a definite time/day when he would get each assignment completed for the week. The key is to make them break down longer tasks and have intermediate deadlines. He did NOT want to do that and you aren't supposed to allow it. For example, ds was not allowed to say he'd learn the first page of a new piano piece by the day before his lesson. He had to have a reasonable goal for each line. You get the picture...Anyway, By the end of the 6-step program (we are still in step 1) your student is supposed to start feeling what worry is and the internal motivation should start kicking in.

 

Also, I second the Crumpled Paper book. It is excellent for helping unorganized boys get their act in order. I've just started using some of the techniques and one of the hardest parts is for me to stay consistent EVERY day checking up on his notebooks. Even though a written planner may not have worked in the past, we are requiring it and making him write those step-by-step goals in it. He cannot stand having to do that, but I can see baby steps of improvement. I stand over him and make him write the down. Also, he is NOT allowed to have any loose papers unless it is the one he is working on. If I see one out, I make him stop what he is doing and file it in the right section of the right notebook immediately. He does not get credit for the work until it is filed correctly.

 

Another hard part for me is that he is not allowed to work at his desk in his room anymore...the bedroom is just a black hole for him to get lost in. He must do all his work at the dining room table where I can check on him. YES, it is time-consuming for me, but more work is getting done. He wears a watch and he works in 15 minute increments up to a total of 45 on a subject. I check his progress the whole time to keep him moving forward. He is getting better...slowly.

 

I could say alot more, but I highly recommend reading both of those books. I totally sympathize and understand the hard road it's been and will continue to be. But, you are his biggest advocate and must be his "motivator" for now. For me, I have to commit lots of it to prayer.

 

Please let me know if you have any questions,

Pamela

[beachnut]

Wow! Thank you, all, for the great advice and encouragement. I really needed it. I SO appreciate the book recommendations and have already ordered one from Amazon and borrowed another from our library. I find it helpful to have some specific strategies to work with. Obviously, my daily nagging does no good -- for DS or me. And that's not the kind of mom I want to be anyway.

 

I realize that public school is not the answer. The stress level was just overwhelming me, and I didn't think I could handle dealing w/ the same issues day after day in our homeschooling. I couldn't envision myself doing this thru 12th grade. But, yes, I am in it for the long haul. Putting him in public school would really just lessen my stress level and not do much at all for DS other than probably swallow him up & make matters worse.

 

It has helped that I backed off and put things in perspective. I see that DS has a lot on his plate right now (some of it because his own procrastination & disorganization), but that my pressuring him does not help. It only makes him withdraw.

 

Pamela, I have begun to do some of the things you suggested -- consistently micromanaging him in a helpful, gentle way because he needs so much structure and guidance. This is a much different approach than the critical, punitive approach I was taking because I was so frustrated with him.

 

Thank you for all your helpful advice. Much appreciated!

[teva]

Wow! I could have written this post! We are in the exact same situation!

[beachnut]

That's what I love about this forum. We can share experiences and resources, ask and offer advice, and just realize that we are not in this alone, although it sometimes feels that way.

 

Sometimes it just takes one person to say BTDT and there's a light at the end of the tunnel. When you're in the middle of the dark tunnel, you need to hear that it doesn't go on forever.