ticklbee Posted September 23, 2011 Share Posted September 23, 2011 Hi I'm a tenth grader doing my first argumentative paper and I would really appreciate some feedback. Writing is not my strong point! :001_smile: Topic: Do violent video games effect teens to act in a violent way? Thesis: A teenager playing a violent video game will be influenced to act violently. Most people don’t think a violent video game has a big impact on teenagers. The question is why wouldn’t a mindless killing game influence a teen? If you watch a gourmet cooking show it makes you hungry. If you watch a sad movie you might feel depressed or saddened afterward. If you can be influenced by something as simple as a movie or TV show, a teenager playing a violent video game will be influenced to act violently. First, violent video games can cause them to act violently within their family. According to the website Clean Cut Media, a sixteen year old boy named Daniel Petric shot and killed his mother and wounded his father because they would not let him play Halo 3. He faces up to twenty three years to life in prison. Next, violent video games can cause teens to act violently in school. Its been twelve year since the Columbine school shooting when two teen boy committed a horrific crime. They shot and killed twelve of their peers, one teacher, wounded numerous others, and then killed themselves. They both suffered from depression and other issues but USA TODAY states that according to their parents and friends, they would play violent computer games for hours upon hours. Finally, these violent video games can cause teens to act violently in society. A tragic example is the story of eighteen year old Devin Moore as told by a 60 minute report. He was brought to the police station by Officer Arnold Strickland who suspected Devin of stealing a car. Devin then grabbed the officers gun and shot him multiple times. Just then, Officer James Crump heard these gunshots and went to investigate, Devin then shot him three times. Then before leaving he shot a 911 dispatcher named Ace Mealer, stole a police car and drove away. What makes this story even worse is the fact that Devin had already done this before, just not in real life. Grand Theft Auto had allowed Devin to shoot police officers and steal their cars, just as he had done to these three innocent men. It’s clear to see these violent video games are influencing teens to act in irrational, violent ways. There are many more stories of young people murdering there family, friends, and innocent bystanders. Sadly the majority of the time the teens are under the influence of these violent games. The death of the people mentioned above might never have happened if the teens with them had not been exposed to the violence of these video games. It’s time to change what kind of video games our teens are playing, and that change could start with you. Thank you for taking the time to read this! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angel marie Posted September 23, 2011 Share Posted September 23, 2011 Hi I'm a tenth grader doing my first argumentative paper and I would really appreciate some feedback. Writing is not my strong point! :001_smile: Topic: Do violent video games effect teens to act in a violent way? Thesis: A teenager playing a violent video game will be influenced to act violently. Most people don’t think a violent video game has a big impact on teenagers. The question is why wouldn’t a mindless killing game influence a teen? If you watch a gourmet cooking show it makes you hungry. If you watch a sad movie you might feel depressed or saddened afterward. If you can be influenced by something as simple as a movie or TV show, a teenager playing a violent video game will be influenced to act violently. First, violent video games can cause them to act violently within their family. According to the website Clean Cut Media, a sixteen year old boy named Daniel Petric shot and killed his mother and wounded his father because they would not let him play Halo 3. He faces up to twenty three years to life in prison. Next, violent video games can cause teens to act violently in school. Its been twelve year since the Columbine school shooting when two teen boy committed a horrific crime. They shot and killed twelve of their peers, one teacher, wounded numerous others, and then killed themselves. They both suffered from depression and other issues but USA TODAY states that according to their parents and friends, they would play violent computer games for hours upon hours. Finally, these violent video games can cause teens to act violently in society. A tragic example is the story of eighteen year old Devin Moore as told by a 60 minute report. He was brought to the police station by Officer Arnold Strickland who suspected Devin of stealing a car. Devin then grabbed the officers gun and shot him multiple times. Just then, Officer James Crump heard these gunshots and went to investigate, Devin then shot him three times. Then before leaving he shot a 911 dispatcher named Ace Mealer, stole a police car and drove away. What makes this story even worse is the fact that Devin had already done this before, just not in real life. Grand Theft Auto had allowed Devin to shoot police officers and steal their cars, just as he had done to these three innocent men. It’s clear to see these violent video games are influencing teens to act in irrational, violent ways. There are many more stories of young people murdering there family, friends, and innocent bystanders. Sadly the majority of the time the teens are under the influence of these violent games. The death of the people mentioned above might never have happened if the teens with them had not been exposed to the violence of these video games. It’s time to change what kind of video games our teens are playing, and that change could start with you. Thank you for taking the time to read this! i printed this off for my 9th grade son to read. he is always "arguing" with me on this subject. btw, he hardly places these kind of games....thank God :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ticklbee Posted September 28, 2011 Author Share Posted September 28, 2011 Hi, I'm trying to improve the quality of my paper and I was wondering if anyone has any constructive criticism? I would really appreciate it! :laugh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ticklbee Posted October 2, 2011 Author Share Posted October 2, 2011 Anyone?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
La Texican Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 I had long equated arguing with fighting, but in rhetoric they are very different things. An argument is good; a fight is not. Whereas the goal of a fight is to dominate your opponent, in an argument you succeed when you bring your audience over to your side. A dispute over territory in the backseat of a car qualifies as an argument, for example, in the unlikely event that one child attempts to persuade his audience rather than slug it. http://www.figarospeech.com/teach-a-kid-to-argue/ I would argue against your conclusion, but i'd rather help you write your paper. That link is to a site about rhetoric, something I'm looking into. To be better at arguing don't correct your opposition, convince them. I don't know how you'd apply that to your paper, but it's a cool link. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janice in NJ Posted October 5, 2011 Share Posted October 5, 2011 Melissa, You are off to a good start. Check with your folks to see if they approve of this article. If so, I would suggest you read it and work with it. http://motherjones.com/politics/2000/06/violent-media-good-kids-0 First of all, he argues against your thesis. It's always a good think to think about your opponent when you write an argument. Ultimately, Gerald is the guy you need to convince - not someone who already agrees with you. :001_smile: I would suggest that you print his article and just read it through once. What impresses you that most? The least? Do you feel anything? Do you think he is right? Wrong? Why? Let's look at what he does. Read it again. Read slowly with a pencil/pen. First of all, can you locate his thesis? Restate it in your own words. Using the margins, write your restatement. How does he begin his essay? Does he launch right into his thesis? What does he do instead? Write in the margins. What arguments does he present as evidence to support his thesis? Does he just list his reasons or does he pull the reader along before listing them? How does he use his evidence/examples? How does he use stories in his article? What do they do for his arguments: Are the facts of the story the only thing he uses to convince, or is it the way he tells the story that makes it convincing? (An author slants the narrative when they tell a story in a way that gives an oblique direction to the events; a slanted narrative expresses the author's bias.) What arguments against his position does he identify? HOW DOES HE REFUTE THEM? Try reducing each paragraph to a statement. Is each paragraph a part of the argument or is it evidence to support a part of the argument? What does each paragraph of his essay do? How does each part work? Take a look at his conclusion. Can you paraphrase his concluding statement? Check back when you are done. Peace, Janice Enjoy your little people Enjoy your journey Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sebastian (a lady) Posted October 11, 2011 Share Posted October 11, 2011 (edited) Hi I'm a tenth grader doing my first argumentative paper and I would really appreciate some feedback. Writing is not my strong point! :001_smile: Topic: Do violent video games effect teens to act in a violent way? Thesis: A teenager playing a violent video game will be influenced to act violently. Most people don’t think a violent video game has a big impact on teenagers. The question is why wouldn’t a mindless killing game influence a teen? If you watch a gourmet cooking show it makes you hungry. If you watch a sad movie you might feel depressed or saddened afterward. If you can be influenced by something as simple as a movie or TV show, a teenager playing a violent video game will be influenced to act violently. First, violent video games can cause them to act violently within their family. According to the website Clean Cut Media, a sixteen year old boy named Daniel Petric shot and killed his mother and wounded his father because they would not let him play Halo 3. He faces up to twenty three years to life in prison. Next, violent video games can cause teens to act violently in school. Its been twelve year since the Columbine school shooting when two teen boy committed a horrific crime. They shot and killed twelve of their peers, one teacher, wounded numerous others, and then killed themselves. They both suffered from depression and other issues but USA TODAY states that according to their parents and friends, they would play violent computer games for hours upon hours. Finally, these violent video games can cause teens to act violently in society. A tragic example is the story of eighteen year old Devin Moore as told by a 60 minute report. He was brought to the police station by Officer Arnold Strickland who suspected Devin of stealing a car. Devin then grabbed the officers gun and shot him multiple times. Just then, Officer James Crump heard these gunshots and went to investigate, Devin then shot him three times. Then before leaving he shot a 911 dispatcher named Ace Mealer, stole a police car and drove away. What makes this story even worse is the fact that Devin had already done this before, just not in real life. Grand Theft Auto had allowed Devin to shoot police officers and steal their cars, just as he had done to these three innocent men. It’s clear to see these violent video games are influencing teens to act in irrational, violent ways. There are many more stories of young people murdering there family, friends, and innocent bystanders. Sadly the majority of the time the teens are under the influence of these violent games. The death of the people mentioned above might never have happened if the teens with them had not been exposed to the violence of these video games. It’s time to change what kind of video games our teens are playing, and that change could start with you. Thank you for taking the time to read this! OK, here's my feedback: In your first paragraph you seem to head down the road of discussing how other programming influences what viewers think and feel. You ask the valid question of why violent games would be different. But I feel like the body of the essay is devoted to three anecdotes about violent actions done by people who played violent games. But you barely touch on the other issues that these people had (for example the youths involved in Columbine were on some serious medications treating underlying issues. Are video games then only dangerous for youths on medications or youths who have other diagnosis?) What about the (to me obvious) counter arguement that thousands of copies of the games have been sold, without outbreak of violence? Does this make the anecdotes you chose exceptions rather than the rule? Is it possible that the games allow someone to work out the tensions and agressions on screen rather than in real life? Is it possible that the games evoke feelings other than agression (for example, a desire to protect or be self sacrificing)? I think that what leaps out at me though is the disconnect between the first paragraph and the body. I think you might want to further develop the idea of media as influencer (Why We Buy by Paco Underhill and On Killing by Dave Grossman might be helpful, or look for articles by them) and game as a type of media. I think you'd be better served citing studies of agression after watching violent shows or playing games rather than going with the specific examples you cited (which were complicated events that involved a lot outside of the games played). You might also want to look for articles that discuss using first person shooter simulators as military combat training simulations. (In other words, if it suits for combat training, what effect does it have in leisure use.) Edited October 11, 2011 by Sebastian (a lady) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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