Do you have a CLINGY child?

[Heather in Neverland]

We adopted ds from Korea when he was 7 months old. We were warned that we might have to deal with an attachment disorder. Actually, he HYPER attached to us. From day one he would only let me or dh hold him... No one else.

 

He wanted to be carried at all times. He had to sleep with us or he would freak out. We literally could not leave him with anyone. Once my mom watched him for me for one hour. He sat in the corner and screamed if she came near him.

 

If we tried to put him in the church nursery and then later in Sunday school he would cry until he threw up.

 

Around age 5 he got to where I could take him to Sunday school and if I stayed for a while I could then leave and he would be ok... But not for too long.

 

Now at age 7 he goes to school and he is ok but he is still very clingy. He will not sit in a room by himself... Not even for a moment. If he and I are watching tv and I get up to go to the kitchen he will follow me. He follows me everywhere.

 

And when we are together he has to sit right next to me, often in my lap. Also, he still will not sleep in his own bed. He has to sleep with us or with his older brother.

 

Will he eventually outgrow this? Should I be concerned? Will I ever be able to go to the bathroom wi thout him waiting outside the door?

[Pamela H in Texas]

Heather,

 

I think you'll see that clingy-ness *is* a manifestation of attachment disorder.

 

Three of mine have it (been bounced around since birth). Clingyness is one of the primary symptoms. It is their desperation rather than "hyper attachment."

 

Ideally, that wouldn't be the case because of how early you got him. You had more time than not of his attachment period to attach and I have no doubt that you did everything "right" then, but...

 

It very well could just be his personality or a symptom of something else. My 16 yr old was incredibly clingy with major separation anxiety at your ds' age.

Edited July 11, 2011 by 2J5M9K

[Cassy]

I really don't know. My very clingy baby, who showed all the same behaviours you describe up to age three, had mostly grown out of that degree of clingliness by about 4 or 5 years. He attended school between the ages of 4 and 5 and while he got very upset when I first left him each day, he did recover and was quite happy for most of the rest of the day, although there were apparently problems at lunchtime too. We started homeschooling after that first year at school, so it's a bit difficult to say what he might be like now if he were at school. He'll be 7 next month and is mostly a very confident, independent little boy, but still doesn't like to go to outside activities on his own, although he's fine if one of his brothers are with him. He's very happy to go away with DH and his brothers for the weekend to stay with the ILs while I remain at home.

 

I wonder if the arrival of Natalie has set him back a bit. I firmly believe that clingy children need their clinginess responded to in a warm, loving, reassuring way, and that eventually they'll grow up to be secure, confident and independent. But I don't really know, that's just an instinct. I'm sure there'll be people here who have more experience and expertise than I.

 

Best wishes

 

Cassy

[Heather in Neverland]

Part of me does wonder if it is related to his adoption but Natalie is also adopted and not that way at all so i did not want to automatically assume that was it.

 

We have been very careful to reassure him and give him lots of attention but I suppose I thought he would have outgrown it by age 7????

 

Just now he was upstairs, in broad daylight, playing a game with his brother. When his brother went downstairs to get a glass of water Alex had to come with him rather than wait upstairs alone for 5 minutes.

 

I know this sounds awful but sometimes it can just be... well... annoying... to be followed everywhere you go. How can i help him?

[Pamela H in Texas]

Just some ramblings....

 

It could be that your reassurance is feeding into the issue. Or it could be that it's helped and he's not as bad as he could be about it. And a lot of kids will follow their siblings rather than play alone temporarily. It's pretty social. My brother and I were near inseparable at that age.

 

You could look into some attachment therapy type play (a lot of these things are simply things you'd do with a kid under 3 anyway), play or behavioral therapy (which would be helpful regardless of if there is a specific issue or not), and just some plain specific guidance ("Alex, you are coloring beautifully. I'm going to go to the bathroom and will be right back." Then praise him for a good job when you get back. Obviously, how detailed that is will depend on your kiddo. That is just the basic and you may need to do more than that. You may need to start out a shorter time than that. He may find it helpful to count or watch a Readeez video from your phone or maybe he could write down what he feels in crayon. In time, you'll help him build up a repertoire of what he can do rather than hunt you down within 10 seconds.). You might also put more distance in other ways. For example, when we cook, we don't allow the kids in the kitchen (unless they are helping at that time, of course). There is a boundary for them. We treat it as a discipline issue. That time as well as various others gives them time they must figure out how to deal with not being on top of us (and they most certainly are most of the time. I find being touched, even talked to, constantly a huge challenge).

 

All kids handle things differently and behaviors tend to go in spurts. I don't think you can base it off of one kid versus the other. Do you see a pattern of more clingy-ness related to certain activities, times per year, etc?

 

ETA: Do a search for "Theraplay" for more information and some specific ideas (and often whys) that you can implement at home. You might also look into Parenting the Hurt Child by Keck. Though I don't know his history, there are lists and lists of activities in the book which can help provide, whether he was hurt or not, what he may need. Most are very easy to add to every day life.

 

Additionally, does he have any other issues such as sensory or anxiety otherwise?

Edited July 11, 2011 by 2J5M9K

[Cassy]

Is he maybe just the kind of person who likes to be with other people a lot, rather than just clingy? I do know how intense and overwhelming it can feel to be followed around all the time, DS7 can do this to me if his brothers aren't around, and he talks all the time too :glare:. For me it helps that two of his brothers are here all day too, then older brother comes home from school at 4 pm, then DH a bit later, and so the intensity is somewhat diluted. I'm sure in a year or so Natalie will keep him pretty occupied too :001_smile:. In the meantime do you have anyone who could give you a break for at least some of the time? It may also be worth talking to a professional - they'll either reassure you that he's OK, or may be able to give you advice on how best to support him.

 

Best wishes

 

Cassy

[Ravin]

My DD is like this. She's pretty independent, will go out and look for neighbor friends to play with, for example, and spends a month of the summer at grandma's house. But in unfamiliar surroundings she doesn't like to go out of sight of those she knows, and if she doesn't find a neighbor to play with will be back inside shortly. Wandering around alone on her bike isn't her idea of fun; neither is doing much of anything alone.

 

I don't think it's a failure to attach, or hyper attachment. I think it's just that she's VERY sociable and extroverted. She gets her recharge from being around people who care about her. This can be crazy-making for me, as I'm introverted and like and need a certain amount of ALONE time.

 

At least you've gotten your son to stay consistently on the OUTSIDE of the bathroom door...:tongue_smilie:

[Pippen]

Now at age 7 he goes to school and he is ok but he is still very clingy. He will not sit in a room by himself... Not even for a moment. If he and I are watching tv and I get up to go to the kitchen he will follow me. He follows me everywhere.

 

And when we are together he has to sit right next to me, often in my lap. Also, he still will not sleep in his own bed. He has to sleep with us or with his older brother.

 

Will he eventually outgrow this? Should I be concerned? Will I ever be able to go to the bathroom wi thout him waiting outside the door?

 

BTDT with much of this, but with a biological child. It was anxiety that fell under the umbrella of another condition.

 

Is he an anxious and/or rigid child about issues other than being parted from you?

 

Is there anything else developmentally going on that isn't "typical"?

 

As for addressing it, think very small steps leading to successes to build confidence and going from there. Work on only one thing at a time. ie Hook up a baby monitor or intercom or give him an inexpensive cell phone to keep in his pocket and work on going to the next room alone. When that's going well, work on going to the bathroom alone. Be reassuring and make sure to answer when he calls you.

[Heather in Neverland]

These are great thoughts. I realized tonight as we were at the movies and he was sitting in my LAP that it primarily is an attachment to me...or at least I am the one he tends to cling to the most.

 

I think I am going to try gradual separation... Like tell him he has to stay in the tv room while I go to the bathroom. I can even set a timer and give it to him.

 

He may also just be extroverted. He hates to play by himself! As a child I preferred to be by myself so this is definitely a challenge. I don't think he has anxiety. He seems like a pretty happy kid in every way except the clingy thing. I guess we will see how this works out.

 

Thanks!!!

[Catherine]

Just returned from a 10 month exchange program on another continent.

 

Just keep "filling up his tank" even though I KNOW how exhausting a kid like this can be. Truly. It will get better.

[LittleIzumi]

These are great thoughts. I realized tonight as we were at the movies and he was sitting in my LAP that it primarily is an attachment to me...or at least I am the one he tends to cling to the most.

 

I think I am going to try gradual separation... Like tell him he has to stay in the tv room while I go to the bathroom. I can even set a timer and give it to him.

 

He may also just be extroverted. He hates to play by himself! As a child I preferred to be by myself so this is definitely a challenge. I don't think he has anxiety. He seems like a pretty happy kid in every way except the clingy thing. I guess we will see how this works out.

 

Thanks!!!

 

I would definitely use a timer or some sort of known, tangible way for him to know when he can be with you again. You might even start with a game, like hide & seek, or one of you stand just outside the door for 10 seconds (he counts), and then jumps back in with a cheer, and then switch.

 

Dd was hyper-clingy and she improved with little therapy exercises kind of like that, distraction during the short separations, and energy work.

[beccad777]

A few thoughts. None of my kids are adopted, so I don't have that issue, but several of them are clingy in different ways.

 

My DD7 will not be in a room alone, ever. She will not go to the bathroom by herself or stay in her room alone. If her sister (3) goes out of the room at bedtime she calls for her or tattles that Sarah is out of bed. This all stemmed from the neighbor boy telling her about poisonous spiders and what could happen if you are bitten. I have taken to bribing her with chocolate chips if she goes to the bathroom by herself. I am hoping she will grow out of it. All that to say that rewards may help.

 

My DS5 is also clingy but in a different way. He will not spend the night at his grandparents. If I leave to go to the store or his dad and I go out he cries when we leave him with family. He comes to our bed every night. :confused: He is always hugging and touching me. As he gets older he is getting better about it. I am considering sending him to school for K to help him overcome these issues. So, time may help.

 

My youngest is 6 months and very attached to me. Cries for me, watches me all the time. None of my others were like this as a baby, so it's new territory for me. I guess I will see how this one plays out.

 

I hope things get better for for your DS as he grows. My best advice is a rewards system to help him maintain some distance. Maybe let him sit next to you, but not on your lap except for certain times. Give a small treat for staying put until you get back, etc... Good luck!