BMW Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 ... and I promise to remind myself that I asked for your opinions!! With several teen boys (even the girls sometimes did this...), I have heard cuss words here and there. I don't react too strongly... I just say, "Hey, watch the language." If there are little ones around, I am a bit more strong about that... But, for a teen say d### or s###, I just keep it simple and I don't get emotionally charged. When it comes to "dropping the F bomb", I take it up a notch... (I also follow up with talks about how our language represents who we are and they could make better choices with their words, imo, and I also recognize that they are in public school and hear these words all the time...) Recently I have heard my 13yobs (both of them) saying d### a bit more and I calmly correct them. Dh hasn't really heard his son say cuss words, though I have told him once that his son does this, too. When he hears my sons, he comes unglued. He gets emotionally charged. He will tell them, quite strongly, to watch their language. He talks to me about that and how he wont put up with that in his home. So, I feel burdened by my boys language and their use in our home... His son has recently started saying cuss words quite regularly... just holds back in front of his dad. Within the past 30 min. I have heard him use "d### it!" "S###" and he dropped the F bomb. All in the house. No younger ones are home. I am considering how to speak to dh about this. I feel that he should not correct my sons any more and let me handle them since he gets emotionally charged... and particularly if he is not going to address this with his own son. I know this is a "his son" "my sons" discourse... but I don't see how I could explain it any other way... I guess I could say that he gets upset when some of our sons speak this way and not when another one of our sons does... but, hopefully you'll forgive how I've described the situation... Ideas? Opinions? (please keep it to this topic, not about marriage... we have been really making some great progress in that area and all... just saying...) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 Can you agree on standard for everyone in your home? No one cusses, period. Some people will say "it just slips out" but I don't think these things just "slip" out. Most people would not cuss in front of their boss, their customer or pastor at Church, thus they do have complete control over it. It may be easier if you set a standard for everyone, than to pick and choose who to apply it to, and when. I know many families with teens have a cuss jar, where the offender has to put a dollar in for ever word said. The money is then used for a pizza night or family vacation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobinF Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 I don't see it as a his/mine issue as a household standard. Do you allow cussing? If so then let it pass. If you standard is no cussing at all then address it. I would speak to his son. If he stops great, if he doesn't then address it and tell dad. THis is what I would do in our house and we don't have a blended family. The boys are doing something, I address it. If it doesn't stop then I tell dh and we both address it or he is more on the look out for it. I don't need his help to discipline but sometimes the boys need to what their father's expectations are in certain situations. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julie in CA Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 I'd also make it an across-the-board standard. No use of that language by anyone. Really, it's not a necessity, it's possible to live a completely fulfilling life without using those words. :D That way, it's not singling out anyone in particular, it's just the rule for everyone. If the olders ask why, it's because you've noticed that the younger kids are being affected and need to find other ways to express themselves.:001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RanchGirl Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 I would not get involved specifically in his sons cussing behind his back at this point. However, if he is becoming upset and emotionally charged when your children misbehave, I consider that a problem. It is not effective or a loving way to discipline and as you alluded to, it leads to the kids walking on eggshells or possibly becoming angry/hostile in return. I would not allow someone to treat my children that way. However, hopefully your husband is a reasonable man and if you say I agree with you that the cussing is a problem, but I would like to have a plan for how we handle it ahead of time so that you are not getting upset and out of control. And set up a plan. E.G. the dollar jar or losing privileges or whatever. Then you both should implement it calmly, more like a cop issuing a speeding ticket as opposed to an angry, personally offended rage kind of thing. Now, hopefully this plan will also be implemented fairly for all children in the household. I assume once you have a plan that he will be fine with you using it for his kids as well. But the first step IMO is getting him to stop reacting with rage and instead have a calm discipline plan. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LND1218 Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 I agree this isn't really a double standard issue. It seems to me that his son knows when he can and can't say it. That's not a problem with dh. That's a son who knows who he can get away with it in front of. You both need to be on the same page about it. Right now, you handle it differently. I think you need to look at why you want to bring it up to dh. Is it because you want his son to stop? Is it because it's not fair to your son? Or is it because you know he's disobeying his father? Or some other reason. Do you think dh's reaction to your son is wrong? Does it only bother you because it's just your son he's catching? Once you figure that out, then approach him. If you think your more casual approach is right, talk to him about that, and see if you can agree to a plan for everyone. You can't blame dh for not hearing it - ds isn't saying it. He's learned his dad doesn't like it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LND1218 Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 I would not get involved specifically in his sons cussing behind his back at this point. However, if he is becoming upset and emotionally charged when your children misbehave, I consider that a problem. It is not effective or a loving way to discipline and as you alluded to, it leads to the kids walking on eggshells or possibly becoming angry/hostile in return. I would not allow someone to treat my children that way. However, hopefully your husband is a reasonable man and if you say I agree with you that the cussing is a problem, but I would like to have a plan for how we handle it ahead of time so that you are not getting upset and out of control. And set up a plan. E.G. the dollar jar or losing privileges or whatever. Then you both should implement it calmly, more like a cop issuing a speeding ticket as opposed to an angry, personally offended rage kind of thing. Now, hopefully this plan will also be implemented fairly for all children in the household. I assume once you have a plan that he will be fine with you using it for his kids as well. But the first step IMO is getting him to stop reacting with rage and instead have a calm discipline plan. :iagree:This is a great idea! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BMW Posted March 21, 2011 Author Share Posted March 21, 2011 Thanks, everyone. Dh gets emotionally charged, but he is not raging or acting abusively in any way. He just corrects the boys with a very strong voice and attitude... which offends me because I know his boys do the same thing. When he talked to me about this in the past, dh's concern was that "my" boys were hearing these words and allowed to say them at their dad's house, then coming here and using that language. I see it as "they all" hear it and say these words occasionally. I don't want to be confrontational because dh and I have been working on some things and making progress... I think I will approach it as suggested... by asking what response dh and I can agree on and if that involves a consequence (like the money jar) and have us both agree that we will use this with all boys at any time... Steph, those are great questions!! I love that you asked them... gets me thinking through all my underlying feelings and all... I don't like it that he only hears/catches my boys... Dh and I need to decide together on how it is an issue and how we handle it. Thanks again! I appreciate the feedback. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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