ereks mom Posted December 28, 2010 Share Posted December 28, 2010 (edited) Here is my post from that thread: EK was asked nearly a year ago to be a bridesmaid in the wedding of a lifelong friend. She said yes, and then the bride-to-be set the wedding date for 1/1/11, with the rehearsal on 12/31/10, New Year's Eve--the standing date for MIL & FIL's Christmas gathering for the entire family. So we told everyone very early on (last January) that we'd need to reschedule the Christmas gathering, which has only been done once in the past, but without much trouble. HOWEVER, this year was different. :glare: Everybody's schedule was so tight that we could not find a date when we could all be together, although EVERYONE had New Year's Eve free except us! We even offered to have EK skip the wedding rehearsal and just go on with the usual New Year's Eve date. Then SIL, who really likes attention and is very manipulative, announced that her family can ONLY come on a Saturday. (She has a chronic medical condition and has to have treatments twice a week at a health center, and can only function on the day after a treatment.) But BIL said he couldn't come on ANY Saturday, so there went that. But no, it turned out that SIL actually had 2 Fridays she could be there (because of changes to her treatment schedule because of Christmas Eve & New Year's Eve falling on the days she normally gets treatments), and 2 Saturdays. But the 2 Fridays were dates when other people already had something. Then SIL said she isn't sure she can be there at all, so we should just go ahead, and she'd be there if she felt up to it. So we finally settled on the evening of Christmas Day. On Christmas Day, everyone arrives except SIL and one of her children, who has elected (or been elected) stay home with her while her dh brings the remaining children to the party. Her dh is miserable, knowing SIL is missing out. We offer to move the party to SIL's house so she won't be alone, but her dh says no, she's not up to it. (FWIW, they have a tiny house, and 20 people just wouldn't fit. We did offer to have a few of us go over to visit at a time, but her dh said no.) Just as we're about to open presents, SIL calls him and he gets so upset that he starts crying and goes back home (they live across town from MIL & FIL) to check on her. So we suspend the gift exchange until we figure out what's going on. Finally, he comes back, also bringing the child who had been left home with SIL, leaving SIL home alone. The gift exchange resumes. We (dh & ER & EK & I) offer to go by SIL's house afterward, to give her the gift we brought for her, but her dh says no, that wouldn't be a good idea because SIL isn't feeling well. It's starting to snow anyway, and we have an hour's drive, so we head home. Next morning, dh tries to call SIL & her dh. SIL hangs up on him. Dh did talk to him later, but found out that SIL is angry with everyone in the family! What??? She ranted about us all being unsupportive, and how we only care when it's convenient, or when we feel guilty. What did she want us to do? She has "unfriended" ALL of us on Facebook, which is stupid, because we are the only family she has (she has no siblings; her mom died several years ago & her dad is also in poor health & lives far away, as do her aunts, uncles & cousins), and with her health situation, she is going to need us sometime... ETA: The wedding is not nearby; we will have to travel to be there, so there's no way we could do both on the same day. We did talk to the bride about the scheduling problem, but she was pretty indifferent and refused to modify her plans. We also considered skipping the rehearsal and arriving early the next day for the wedding only, but recently found out that apparently this is NOT going to be a standard rehearsal because the wedding party is going to be doing something pretty unusual for their entrance, and they'll have to practice. I'm the type of person who is really bothered when someone is upset with me. I feel the need to put things right and restore the relationship. I think my SIL is being unreasonable, and she's been mad at different people in the family before, but never ALL of us at once, and never to the extent of "unfriending" us. Part of me thinks she'll eventually come around on her own and realize that she overreacted and lashed out at people who didn't deserve it. (She homeschools her children--all 3 are well below age/grade level, and she frequently calls me for advice, so I think she might eventually break down and call me out of desperation.) But part of me wants to try to contact her--maybe a card or something (she'd just hang up if I tried to call on the phone)--to try to reconcile with her sooner rather than later. Should I attempt to contact her? Or should I just leave it alone? WWYD? Edited December 28, 2010 by ereks mom Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trish Posted December 28, 2010 Share Posted December 28, 2010 Why is the family having to turn their plans inside out for the wedding? Couldn't it have been said (early on), "I can only make an EARLY rehearsal?" Or come to the party late? I mean, how long does a wedding rehearsal take? Or skip the rehearsal -- they're sort of standard, she can take her cues from the others in the wedding party. Not sure why the family is taking the brunt of having to rearrange THEIR annual holiday party for this??? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ereks mom Posted December 28, 2010 Author Share Posted December 28, 2010 (edited) Why is the family having to turn their plans inside out for the wedding? Couldn't it have been said (early on), "I can only make an EARLY rehearsal?" Or come to the party late? I mean, how long does a wedding rehearsal take? Or skip the rehearsal -- they're sort of standard, she can take her cues from the others in the wedding party. Not sure why the family is taking the brunt of having to rearrange THEIR annual holiday party for this??? First, the wedding is not nearby; we will have to travel to be there, so there's no way we could do both on the same day. We did talk to the bride about the scheduling problem, but she was pretty indifferent and refused to modify her plans. Second, we did consider skipping the rehearsal and arriving early the next day for the wedding only, but apparently this is NOT going to be a standard rehearsal because the wedding party is going to be doing something pretty unusual for their entrance, and they'll have to practice. Anyway, it's all been done now--family party is over and the wedding is this coming weekend. SIL's feelings are already hurt, so I can't go back and change things now. I just have to figure out how to proceed from here. Edited December 28, 2010 by ereks mom Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted December 28, 2010 Share Posted December 28, 2010 I would leave it alone. She needs to own her own feelings. Your feelings of missing contact with her are appropriate. Your feelings of guilt are not. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RoughCollie Posted December 28, 2010 Share Posted December 28, 2010 I would leave it alone. She needs to own her own feelings. Your feelings of missing contact with her are appropriate. Your feelings of guilt are not. :grouphug: :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nakia Posted December 28, 2010 Share Posted December 28, 2010 I would leave it alone. She needs to own her own feelings. Your feelings of missing contact with her are appropriate. Your feelings of guilt are not. :grouphug: As usual, very wise words from Jean. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UnsinkableKristen Posted December 28, 2010 Share Posted December 28, 2010 It sounds to me like your SIL is probably feeling very, very run down. Homeschooling three children is hard enough, but add to that a chronic disease and you are really doing something difficult. Some people bear under this kind of stress well, and others do not. She sounds like she is not handling everything well and is lashing out at people she knows love her - and I'll bet she is even more mad at herself for not handling it all perfectly. I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this. I would send her a card saying that you are sorry she is upset (not sorry for your actions) and that you hope she feels better soon. Even if she doesn't respond the way you hope, you will have the knowledge that you tried and a clear conscience. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ereks mom Posted December 28, 2010 Author Share Posted December 28, 2010 Thanks to all. I'm really trying not to even think about it, but I can't get it off my mind. I'll give it some time, and then maybe send her a card when things have died down some. Who knows? Maybe by then she'll have calmed down and contacted me herself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted December 28, 2010 Share Posted December 28, 2010 I'm the type of person who is really bothered when someone is upset with me. I feel the need to put things right and restore the relationship. ... Should I attempt to contact her? Or should I just leave it alone? WWYD? Leave it alone. Your SIL behaved like a big baby, and now she's hoping everyone will come running to comfort her and apologize and make her the center of attention. Don't fall for it. For heaven's sake, she had her own dh in tears on Christmas -- what does that tell you about her concern for others? Sorry if I sound harsh, but I have no patience for this sort of childish temper tantrum. And please don't feel guilty and that you have to make everything right. You did nothing wrong; in fact, it seemed as though the entire family was willing to bend over backward to visit her in shifts on Christmas, move the party to her house, stop by to give her a gift in person, etc. She should be grateful for this -- and I'm sure her dh has told her all about it, so she has no excuse for her poor attitude, nor for her dreadfully rude behavior. Your dh already tried to talk with her. She hung up on him. That was wrong. If she was upset, she should have gotten on the phone and talked it out with him. That's what adults do. Instead, she acted like a drama queen. I'm sure you wouldn't tolerate that kind of behavior from your children; why would you possibly consider doing it for an attention-seeking adult? You and your dh already did your part, both on the night of the party, and on the day afterward with the phone call. That's more than enough. Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ereks mom Posted December 28, 2010 Author Share Posted December 28, 2010 Your SIL behaved like a big baby, and now she's hoping everyone will come running to comfort her and apologize and make her the center of attention. Sounds like you know her! :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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