For those who have family/friends who ask for money.....

[Tap]

How do you handle requests of help, to pay for basic life necessities of these people? How do you balance that with saying 'not this time'.

 

My mom lives close to poverty level. She is a giver by nature and has got herself in hard financial situations in the past by giving more to my 4 siblings than she has got to give. Often by taking out loans and going without herself to provide others with necessities that were squandered away by the receiver of the loan. (ie My sister getting all of her belongings confiscated by an apartment complex when she was locked out due to non-payment of rent...then my mom gives her money to get set up in a new place to live, or else my mom fears my sister will move back home and cost her even more in the long run....etc-yes I know my mother has issues but that is for another time and not this post.)

 

 

I know when my mother starts calling me daily and leaving me messages like "hi hon, I would really love to talk to you, call me back", that it means she is going to ask me for money. If she asks me for money, she really needs it. She will have gone without for a while before she calls me. We often go months without talking so when she leaves me daily messages.....I know something is up.

 

 

Dh and I have helped my various family members over the years. We work very hard for our money and don't have a lot, but more than many of my family members. We are not wealthy but since we have money in a savings account...we probably seem to be to my sibs.

 

 

Dh has said enough is enough...no more handouts. If my family made efforts to keep in touch when they didn't need money, then he would feel different. SInce, they like to call only when they need something.....we need to stop giving them money. (Them is mainly just my mom, but since she is so interwoven with my sibs, the money doesn't just affect her...but them too....if she only uses 20 of $25, she will give them the remaining 5). I agree dh, but then I also hate the idea of my mother going without basic needs too. ie The last time she asked for money, it was because she was out of hot water for 3 days due to not being able to afford a $65 fuse for the main panel in her 1890s house. A pretty important thing and I did send her the money....but on the other hand....if she didn't squander her money on my sibs or on over 2 packs of cigarettes a day....she would have had the money and not need to ask for it.

 

My mom has lived on unemployment lately. It ran out. She only has SS to live on now and that isn't much.

 

 

How do you handle these situations? On one hand, I don't mind giving her the money and I have so much more than she does. BUT, I really struggle with 'where the money goes' in the long run....it goes back to my sibs who do nothing but take from her.

 

 

My mother knows we are looking into selling our house and buying a new one. She knows me well enough to kow that I always have money put back. So, I feel guilty if she calls and I just say "I don't have it to give right now". She knows I am choosing to not give.....and that I really do have it.

 

 

 

How do you handle these situations in your family?

[Denisemomof4]

Honestly, I just don't give anymore. My sister is always in a pickle and it's because she and her husband are unwise with their money. My brother has no money because he hasn't worked in decades. He IS on disability, but a little part time job would make such a difference in his life. He just doesn't try to find one. Why should we have to pay the price for any of this? Also, by helping them, I'd be enabling them.

 

Sometimes the RIGHT thing to do is NOTHING. IT's something I've learned the hard way.

 

Bottom line - your husband says no more and your loyalty needs to lie with him. I know it does, but that takes all pressure off of you. I've had to use this before to end my very toxic relationship with my sister: my VERY tolerant dh just couldn't take my sister anymore and it was a relief to honor his request not to have her in our home. (although he DID support my keeping a relationship with her, which I haven't.) If your husband is ok with it, tell your mother your husband says no more. Of course I know you'll find a gracious way of saying this, should you choose this route.

 

Since your mother is making unwise choices herself, I think you need to stop helping her out. It also makes me sad that she calls you only when she needs something. MIL has always been like this and it makes me SO sad for dh.

 

I'm very tired and I hope I'm making sense. I feel like I'm rambling.

 

I'll go take care of my barn chores now. :leaving:

 

ETA: It's hard in the case of an emergency. On the one hand, how can you have her go without hot water? On the other hand, what money did she waste unwisely so that she didn't have what she needed to buy the new fuse? KWIM?

 

Ok, REALLY going now. Dh is wondering why I'm typing away when I have to go to the barn. :rolleyes:

Edited November 29, 2010 by Denisemomof4

[eternalknot]

Instead of cash, could you give her a recurring gift -- maybe, payment (directly towards) her electricity bill or something?

 

My family works differently than yours, so I'm not sure my experiences will be helpful. We pretty much pool our money together as an extended family. My husband's family sounds more like yours, though. They've never really worked a system out, but it's an on-going problem that he just flat out refuses to engage in. It's not his parents, though; that'd probably be different.

 

Looking at your situation through the eyes of my husband, I think we'd feel most comfortable helping in a way that wouldn't cause friction within the family. For us, that would mean no cash gifts (that might be re-gifted). We'd pay bills directly (electric, car, grocery scrips, etc.) to help. He'd probably want to put conditions on it, such as "We'll pay your electric bill so long as your income is supporting you only" (as opposed to her going without to send cash to your sibling). I'd just send the money regardless, and write it off as a gift. It's just money. I'd have a hard time giving it conditionally to someone in my family. especially my mother, and especially if she were doing what she felt was right (giving to my siblings).

[duckens]

"Good contracts make good friends" is one of my mottos.

 

I am lucky enough to not have family asking for handouts, but I have had friends who do.

 

If they are willing to sign a contract which specifies the amount, use, and terms of payback of the loan, then I am willing to loan money.

 

I have only had to do this a few times because when people realize that they need to SIGN something, they change their mind. I have never used a lawyer. I just write up something straightforward on my computer:

 

"Duckens will loan $XXX to Friend for the purpose of purchasing a freezer. Friend will pay this money back at the rate of $20 every paycheck ($40/month) until this amount is repaid." And everyone signs and dates it. Everytime a payment is made, it is recorded at the bottom of the contract, and everyone initials it. I tack it up on my bulletin board.

 

I think that knowing this is in writing discourages bad borrowers and keeps mediocre borrowers on their toes because they know that I WILL take them to small claims court if they do not pay me back.

Documentation is your friend. This I have learned from watching Judge Judy.:D

 

ETA: Also, when one already owes you $$$, they have a good reason for not calling for more $$$. It may be a cheap price to pay for no more requests.

Edited November 29, 2010 by duckens

[Daisy]

I don't know what to tell you. I send my parents a check every month to help them out. Because I give monthly, they tend to understand that I'm sending what I can and they don't ask for more. At other times, I've called their mechanic and paid their bill when I knew their car was in the shop. Stuff like that.

 

In the past with my sister, I've set money aside in a special savings account knowing that at some point her car was going to break down or something was going to happen that would result in her calling my parents (my parents would be broke and would thus call me). Thankfully, my sister has never found out that really I'm paying for her broken down car, or her insurance, or her groceries THROUGH my parents. My BIL is on permanent physical disability and they are on welfare. They are very good with what little money they have so hubby and I have never begrudged helping them out.

 

But you reach a point where you can't afford to give more. I've always been honest when we've reached that point.

[5KidzRUs]

Be honest and gentle with her. I agree that you should offer help rather than money. Sounds like you have a big heart.

[lisabelle]

One of my younger brothers asks for money several times a year. Part of it is that they truly *are* struggling; part of it is that my sil goes on shopping sprees. It's frustrating, from that perspective, but I also kind of understand a person getting so incredibly tired of making ends meet that they just want a day, once in a while, where she just doesn't give a crap about money.

 

My brother, knowing him as I do, never asks for enough money to give himself some true breathing room. So I always send a couple hundred more than he asks for.

 

Sometimes it's quick, sometimes it's not, but he has always paid me back.

 

My mom, OTOH, only comes around when she wants money. And then she can't *bear* the feeling of being obligated to me so she ends up behaving horribly and then disappearing. I would much rather she just take the money and disappear again. The end result is the same: I don't get paid back. But I'd rather not hear how beastly and judgemental I am and how eventually my husband and son are going to leave me all alone someday first.

 

And truthfully, I don't judge. You can watch and see how this sense of being beholden to me just starts to wear on her little by little until she explodes.

[Dayle in Guatemala]

Sometimes it works better to give them what they're needing--like buying the fuse for them or paying the bill online or something like that.

 

We don't usually give money--not that many non-guatemalans ask us for it!

 

I understand your frustration that if you even do that then it will mean more money in the long run for her to give to your sibs.

 

It's a tough spot to be in for sure. I wish there was more I could say, but, there isn't. One thing for sure, don't do anything without your dh's approval. You just don't need that kind of stress in your life.:grouphug: