Sensitive question; parents only please

[Nestof3]

:iagree: I was just reacting to the "it's molestation" statements. It COULD be either, but I didn't see the need to just immediately jump on the molestation explanation. I think it's good that we are more aware of the possibility of molestation, but I think the down-side is that I think we have become hypersensitive to it. I've seen these threads on the boards before, and it seems that any time a child speaks of his private parts, there's been a lot of concern about molestation.

 

Children are going to be curious, and parents have to give proper guidelines for these things. It is not something kids are just going to figure out on their own. There's always been a "I'll show you mine if you show me yours" thing among children. I think this freaks a lot of parents out, and they swear their children would never do it. A four year old is aware of the feel of their private parts, but they do'nt have the hormonal and sexual drive. For adults, it's hard to separate the two.

 

Just talk to your kids about it. Warn them about proper touching. Don't expect your kids to naturally know what is proper and not. They are children with creative yet innocent minds in regard to sexuality.

 

 

 

I think those words can be both perfectly normal and a red flag. The difference in how you see it probably comes with knowing children that same age who HAVE been molested and whose words WERE red flags.

 

I just don't think you can sweep generalizations over an instance like this with "Well my kids did it so it's normal" or "I knew someone who was abused and it's definitely that".

[the4Rs]

My son sounds just like this little boy. My daughter and son used to take baths together (when he was 2 and she was 4) and i walked in on them tickling each other's privates and laughing hysterically because it felt funny. Needless to say they didn't take baths together anymore. I just calmly knelt down and said that it does feel good to touch there but that we call those parts private for a reason because no one else is supposed to touch them. It was a good learning moment. My husband reacted like this mom did and I wouldn't let him in the bathroom because I knew he'd over react.

 

It sounds perfectly normal. My son who just turned four says things like tickle and wake up often. No red flags to me.

 

At their ages I am sure brother and sister have seen each other naked often. It is not some private thing that is unknown, you know? It probably didn't seem like a big deal to him or his sister.

 

Hopefully the mom can calmly and rationally handle this to find out the source of his exploration. I wish parents wouldn't overreact like that....even if it is molestation she has now planted a seed in his mind that he has done something wrong and there is something wrong with his body.

[KidsHappen]

I have three brothers and grew up in an extend group of 11 cousins (about half of each sex), my hubby has four brothers and grew up in an even larger group of cousins (about the same sex ratio) and finally I have a son and he grew up with seven sisters. As you can see, these groups are roughly equally divided between male and female. I can assure that there was lots of sex play amoung all of the children well past the age of 4 and none of us were ever molested. In talking to most of these people, we can remember it going on until say 9 or 10. probably because parents didn't freak out over it. It was also considered perfectly natural and normal and parents took it in stride and dealt with it non-chalantly when it happened. I remember hearing stories of the same thing amoung the aunts, uncles and grandparents when they were young. 30 to 40 years ago, no parent would have ever jumped to the conclusion that a child was molested based on the describe behavior.

 

The phase "wake it up" sounds like something a four year ago would say. Exactly what other words would expect them to naturally use? How else are they going to describe an erection? Now if they knew that word, I might be concerned. If they in any way expressed understanding or ejaculation then that would definitely sounds alarms.. But what good would it do for an adult to tell a child something would wake up his penis if the child didn't already know what that meant and why he would want to do it. As far as the mixed gender, once again why would a child think this is wrong. Children are curious by nature and interested in their differences. At that age the do not have a sense of privacy or shame or joy and excited over the things their body can do.

 

Also, I hate to break the news to people but this kind of behavior does not usually stop at such a young age for boys. Boys continue to compare genitaila well into puberty. They frequently have pissing contest and even what I can only describe as circle jerks (sorry, I am in a hurry and can think of no gentler way to phrase it off the tops of my head). This info may be outdated with the change in adult concerns ofer the years and closer monitoring of children but used to be considered normal and was chalked up to boys being boys.

 

In additional to my considerable experience dealing with normal children of all ages and both sexes, I also have a degree in Interdisciplinary Social Sciences with concentrations is psychology, sociology, anthropology and family studies. I have taken many classes in child developement including human (including children) sexual developement, child language developement and child psychology. My studies back up my actual life experiences. Granted, I am by no means an expert but absolutely nothing about this sends up red flags or alarms me in any way. It is completely normal for the parent to be alarmed and concerned (especially in this day and age) but if after careful reading, study and consideration she doesn't still have a gut feeling that something is wrong, I wouldn't be overly concerned.

 

ETA: I do have a small amount of experience talking with sexually abused children so I am familiar with some of the signs, symptoms and warnings signals as well.

Edited October 27, 2010 by KidsHappen

[MariannNOVA]

For all you mamas reading this who aren't involved in this story, if you haven't already taught your kids names for their private parts and private part rules, do it today! And formulate a plan for how you'll react when these things come up because they likely will. If you react calmly, then you can ask a couple of open-ended questions and get the info you need.

 

:iagree: And, thank you to Strider -- very well put.

 

We have some of these books (see below) on our bookshelf, and I have sent copies of these to my daughter to read with my grand-daughters. I think that everyone here has said what one would expect to be said.

 

As someone not involved in this story, I suggest considering the following titles -- pro-active is better than reactive.

 

And, I certainly know that these discussions are difficult and awkward, and we all think that this stuff happens to other families, not to ours, but the plain fact of the matter is, it can happen to anyone in any family. Tough decisions are not a new thing to the families on this board - homeschooling is a tough decision. Talking to children (very young children) about private parts and good and bad touches, and talking to older children about drugs and alcohol are also tough decisions to make -- because it IS easier never to have those talks. I know I am rambling -- my point is - have the talk, read the book, give the instruction BEFORE the fact. That's all I'm trying to say.

 

Books:

 

Amazing You!: Getting Smart About Your Private Parts by Gail Saltz

 

Some Parts are Not for Sharing by Julie K. Federico

 

Those are MY Private Parts by Diane Hansen

 

I Said No! A kid-to-kid guide to keeping your private parts private by Kimberly King and Sue Rama

 

Your Body Belongs to You by Cornelia Maude Spelman and Teri Weidner

[Laurie4b]

So here's a question - what if a child show's these red flags, but molestation is very unlikely?

 

We have even come out and asked him matter of factually if anyone has ever done anything that made him feel bad or uncomfortable. He looked at us like we were crazy and said no way.

 

There is no one in his life that he's around enough other then DH and me. As I said earlier, we don't get babysitters. We don't even have a lot of family around that we visit with regularly.

 

Anyway, all this talk about serious concern about this 4 yr old makes me seriously concerned about my own child. If that is such a major red flag...does it indicate most likely molestation?! That's a very scary thing for a parent.

Couldn't it mean anything else? Such as...could the child have accidentally saw something on TV? Or could he have heard an older child/sibling/etc say something to someone else and he copied it? Are there any disorders, personality types, etc etc that could sometimes result in overly sexual behaviors, or abnormal fascination with sexual matters?

 

If you want my opinion as someone who has actually been trained and has experience in interviewing kids for sexual abuse, I saw absolutely nothing in the scenario described that raised concern in and of itself . I would need to hear additional things to raise concern. Now that's not 100% and I haven't interviewed the kid, but it's unlikely given what we've been told. I also have 4 boys, and like you, had nearly 100% supervision of them and there have been a couple of surprising... ahem... things.

 

When you asked your son if anyone had done anything to make him feel uncomfortable, that is an excellent initial question. The word uncomfortable often elicits descriptions of abuse because the kid is often kind of confused about it--s/he doesn't feel right but doesn't know why.

 

You can see if you can find any videos on private part rules, sexual abuse prevention, telling if you've been abused, etc. There used to be one I used with kids that starred Fonzi, but that's obviously very out of date. :) Many kids will tell in response to a video like that so if you are still concerned, you might ask a librarian about something like that.

[Miss Sherry]

I'm not certain, but wouldn't a pediatrician probably be obligated to report this information to child protective services for investigation?

A pediatrician would not report a 3 year old for being a curious child. THAT would make the pediatrician look ridiculous. If the pediatrician discovered additional information that convinced him of abuse then he would be required to report it.